The sun is brilliant and high, shining down on the beach with its spring-yellow glow. The wind breathes lightly over us, and the sea is a smooth, glassy endless blue – the calmest I've seen it for a while. I've clocked where the rip is - right where there's a line of low curling waves, far out at the edge of the bay. Ben sits on the bluestone wall that leads up to the Port Fairy lighthouse, its red cap cheerful against the electric blue sky. He's in bare feet, wearing black jeans and a brown corduroy jacket, strumming his guitar — something mellow that rings out in time with the softly sweeping waves that glide across the rocky beach.
Everyone stands around him in their colourful clothes.
Except Mum.
She's not here.
I was already down on the beach making sure the flowers Claire ordered were laid out on the paddleboards when I got the text from Ben.
Sorry Jenna, Abby's not coming. I've done my best. I'll be there ASAP.
I must've stared at his message for too long as my heart bashed away inside me and everything else disappeared because Alex had nudged my arm where he was helping Zee get the digital camera set up on the tripod.
"Everything okay?" he'd said, squinting at me under his straight black fringe in the glare of the sand.
I'd gone to tell him, then decided not to. I'd turned my phone off and put a stiff smile on my lips; pretended it was okay. Like I'd been doing for years. "Yeah. All good. Waiting for Minds to let me know where she is."
"She'll be here, don't worry," Alex had nodded at me with a firm look then turned back to Zee who grumbled at him for not holding the tripod straight.
When Ben arrived at the beach, he'd pulled me into a hug. "She was really upset," he'd explained. "She said she wouldn't know how to cope being around all these people. I'm sorry—"
"It's fine. It's not your fault. Zee's filming it for the people that can't make it," I said to him.
And now all these people are here for Mum and my dad. But Mum couldn't get the courage up to be here for me or any of them. I'm furious at her. I know it's hard for her but I'm still furious.
I look for Finn.
He's over chatting to Claire and Chris with his parents. Paddy is in a fold-out pushchair, waggling his feet around, gazing out at all the people who coo over him. Finn's Dad watched the video Ollie Glass made for me and hasn't stopped smile-crying since he arrived. He was really upset to find out my dad was one of the kids who died at the Silent Moth concert. When he saw me, he folded me into a massive hug that lasted way too long, and Finn's mum had to drag him away from me with an embarrassed grin. Alex's family is here and Zee's too - his brother keeps asking me when Minda's getting here. I keep shaking my head and telling him I'm not sure. A bunch of other people Finn invited from school who we sometimes hang out with are here as well as my swim team. Some of the guys from the surf life savers - and the Nippers. Jake's here with his mum. And, for some reason Mr Chiodini is here. Finn's already told me to keep my eyes above his crotch line, or he'll have to have words with me later.
People I don't know are gathered around - some I'm related to who have come from all over Victoria. Claire's parents — my dad's parents — my grandparents — they're here. I can't believe it. My new-found granddad tells me to call him Stu. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a bright green flat cap, and I don't think he can't stop looking at me because every time I look at him his twinkling blue eyes are on me. I can't keep my eyes off him either. I know straight away we're kindred spirits. He taps my shoulder with his finger and says he's been waiting to meet me because he needs help with his MySpace page. I don't want to start off on the bad foot with him by telling him no one uses MySpace so I grin and nod and say of course I will. Then he nudges me in the ribs with his elbow and says, "No one has MySpace any more Jenna, come on!"
My grandma — Julia — is just as special. She's got on a funky colourful dress that waves around her calves in thick ruffles. She gathers me into her full breasts and holds me for a long time and whispers down at me, "We have Matty's guitar for you. It's in the car. He would have wanted you to have it." She has tears in her eyes as she holds my face between her warm palms and kisses my forehead. She says she has so many things to tell me about my dad and that we have to go and stay with them and look through all his things together. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I wish Mum were here to hear all this and meet all these people too.
More-distant relatives and family friends who knew my dad arrive along with my dad's friends from school, who are the same age as Ben and my mum. And they grin at me and nod at me and hug me and tell me how great my dad was and how much I look like him. And Katelyn and Hayden who were in The Disappointed are among them. And their families arrive too. It's a lot of people. It's a lot to take in.
While we're all standing around getting to know each other and I'm already overawed and over-loved, this woman strolls down the sandy path – she's dressed in a fitted bright red suit with a pair of high pumps on her feet. She has glossy dark hair in a smart bob, bright red lipstick and a full figure. She swings her hips as she walks even though I know it's a hard path to walk on even in trainers. Halfway down the path she gives up and kicks her heels off into the grasses, leaving them where they land. She lets out a high squeal and runs towards Ben. Ben stops playing the guitar and, before he's hardly even had a chance to jump down onto the sand to go and meet her, she's wrapping her arms around him, jumping up and down, laughing with him.
I guess it's Mara. I have to agree with my mum's diary description of her, she's stunning. I can't wait to meet her.
Finn presses his fingers to my palm. "We should start soon. Before the wind gets up and that rip shifts."
"Minds isn't here," I say.
"Have you heard from her?"
"She was in Melbourne a few hours ago."
Finn searches the crowd. "Where's your mum?"
I shrug. "Not coming."
Finn's brow creases and, before he can say anything, I hold my hand up to him. "It's fine. She can watch it later," I repeat in my robot voice.
I see Finn's jaw clench and he stops himself saying what I know he really wants to say. Instead, he touches my hand and makes sure I'm looking at him. "All these people are here for you, J." He waves his hand at the crowd. "All these people. And me."
I look down at my feet and see his toes next to mine buried in the grains.
He's right.
I take a breath.
It's time.
I look up at Finn and muster up a confident smile and he knows it's time too.
I go over to Claire and Chris who passes Claire the wooden box that holds my dad's ashes.
Finn's behind me with his hands on my shoulders.
"What ... what do I ..." I look between Claire and Chris and the box.
Claire hands me the container and I take it from her. It's not too heavy. "The lid is tight so don't worry about it opening while you paddle out. It screws off. And then ... you can let him go once you're ready."
I look down at the box that contains my dad. This is the closest I'll ever be to him. Right now. Here. And I wish it wasn't like this. But it is. And we have to do this. Everyone's here. I have to do this.
I hold my dad carefully with my shaky hands and step down through the rocks onto the sand. I turn and check Finn's following. He is.
And Ben and Claire and Chris.
And my grandparents.
I wish Minda were here.
I wish Mum were here.
I check the path and want to see them coming down it.
But they don't.
I stand on the sand next to the paddle boards that have wreaths of native flowers draped over them.
Finn, Alex and Zee encourage everyone to stand around me. Zee settles in behind the camera. Ben places a crate on the sand and sits down; starts playing the guitar again; softly, gently.
When I look at the box in my hands, I want to feel my dad's hands in mine instead, but I know it's never going to happen. Instead, I hear him whispering in the wind around me and sighing in the waves behind me. The sun is warm on my forehead as if he has left a kiss there. This is me and him right now. Together. Us. Saying hello and goodbye on the same day.
I lift my gaze to the expectant faces around me to catch Ben's eyes and his look is kind and supportive.
I see my new grandparents and their tender, heart-broken gazes.
And I start.
"Firstly, I want to thank everyone for coming from so far away. I know my dad didn't live around here. I know he wasn't a swimmer or a surfer and I know he didn't have any connection to Port Fairy, but I do. We do. Mum and I. This place is where we know and what we know. I'd love to think this is where we'd be if Dad was still here too. He would've liked it here. The Folk Festival would've liked his music anyway."
I hear people laugh.
I look across at Finn and he's nodding at me to continue.
I clutch the wooden box to my chest and keep going.
"Just the fact that you're all here, now, eighteen years after he passed away, still remembering him, still thinking about him, tells me how awesome he was." I glance up at the path. There are people there. My heart jumps. But it's only some random tourists who decide to stop at the top of the path, drop their backpacks to the ground and watch the ceremony. I take a deep breath and focus on my words. "Someone told me he was one of those people you really wanted to be around – and when he wasn't around, you felt like something was missing. But I feel like a part of him is here in everyone here – everyone who he met and shared time with —"
More people arrive at the top of the path. Some more tourists.
And then people I recognise.
Mum. And Minda. Coming down the path towards me.
And I close my eyes and clutch the wooden box to my chest.