My house is dark when Finn rolls the Sandman up on the glittering rain-covered grass in front. The wind is wild and catches in the trees that surround the footy oval opposite. It's weird because usually the lounge light is on, or the light in Mum's bedroom shines out the side. But no. It's dark and closed up. I check my phone. No messages from Ben. It's eerie.
"Doesn't look like anyone's home," Finn says, squinting through the rain at the house.
It's so toasty inside the car I don't want to get out. I don't want to leave Finn. Being apart from him seems like one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Finn pops the mixtape out of the cassette player before he turns off the engine and flicks the inside light on. We fiddle around inside cleaning up and making sure we leave the back of the van how it was when we found it. Finn curls up the sleeping bag and folds the jackets. I pack my things into my bag, pushing the tape back into the cover and shoving it and the journal deep inside my bag. When we're done, we sit back in the front in the darkness with the wind shaking the car.
"Well," I say.
Finn's eyes shine in the dim streetlight. He grins then looks away from me out the windscreen. I see him take a breath in. He shifts in his seat; picks at the steering wheel.
"J?"
"Yes, Finnigan?"
The wind whistles through the trees and, now the heater's off, the chill starts to creep in.
Finn keeps gazing into the blackness through the windscreen and I look at his soft profile.
"Imagine if we could keep driving," he says softly.
It would be incredible to keep going. Keep heading west all the way to Adelaide. We could stop on the way, do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. We could be together all the time. I hug my backpack to my chest and wish it could be that easy.
Finn turns to me.
"Thanks Finn," I say and hope he knows how much I mean it. He doesn't say anything back but his eyes get that serious, solemn look. I lean towards him and kiss him gently. His lips are pillowy and warm and when I pull back, he's still got that grave expression.
"Don't worry about me, Finn."
"Okay."
"I've got some shit to sort out."
"I know."
"And if we kept driving," I say, twisting the strap of my backpack around my hand, "I'd probably fall in love with you so, you know, there's that."
Finn chuckles but then his eyes go soft on mine, "Aren't you in love with me already?"
I look over his face. He seems so much older than a few days ago. I don't know what it is about him that's changed. Or maybe it's me. Or maybe he was pretty mature in the first place. I straighten up and take a long breath in before I release it. Of course I'm in love with Finnigan O'Connor. But what's love anyway? Is it this deep longing that I have for him right now where I can't bear to leave him? Is it the way my heart feels enormous in my chest when I'm around him? Is it the way when we're together time seems to disappear?
"You forgot about Mr Chiodoni," I joke to change the subject. It's too much right now.
Finn crinkles his nose. "You'd go for Chinos over me? His pants are way too tight. He's obviously got no balls—"
"Nothing wrong with tight pants—"
"No balls though?"
"You got me there."
Finn lets out a hoot of laughter and he grins at me before he slaps his hands on the steering wheel. "Okay, old girl. Looks like it's time for us to part."
Now it's my turn to crinkle my nose. "Come on. I'll always be younger than you—"
"Talking to the van, J. She's been my friend and companion for the last three days. We've had vivid experiences together. I'm going to miss her."
"Right."
"Hey J," Finn says before he readies himself to leave the cosy cabin.
"Yes Finnigan?"
"You know how I said I'd done it before?"
I frown. "Done what before?"
Even in the dim light, I can see Finn's neck going red. "It. Had sex. You know?"
I frown again. "Uh. Yeah."
He scratches his chin; doesn't look at me. "I hadn't."
I don't get what he's saying. "Hadn't? What?"
"Pay attention, J," he chuckles, clearly embarrassed. "This — you. It was my first time too."
I raise my eyebrows at him. "It was your first time too?" I repeat and can't help but smile as all his macho bravado flies out the window.
Finn scratches his forehead and looks at me from under his blonde lashes. "It was frickin' cool, J. With you. In this van. It meant a lot. And I hope ... we can do it again sometime."
I stare at him and my heart thuds in my chest and stomach, urging me to touch him—kiss him—again. I know I have to break out of his spell or we won't be going anywhere soon.
"We shall," I say decidedly, with a nod.
Finn nods too and we grin at each other before Finn pushes his door open and the wind races around the edge and fills the car with a bitter chill.
I sigh, push open my own door and grab my backpack. I get out then press the lock down as Finn slams his own door. He comes round and hands me the keys.
"Good luck in there, J," he says as the wind whips his hair around. I bring him in for a hug and his heartbeat is strong against mine under our clothes. He presses his lips to my forehead and looks down at me with his hands on my arms. "I'm here when you need me," he says, "for whatever you need. Anytime. I'm good for it."
I know he is. I don't want to let him go but he steps away from me. He swings his hand theatrically towards my house and gives a bow and I know I have to keep moving forward.
As Finn tucks his head and shoves his hands in his pockets, I walk towards my house with the wind teasing my hair around my face. I turn around and he's watching to make sure I get in safe. We wave at each other as the grey clouds fly fast above us against the jet backdrop of the sky. I stare up to make sure I can see some stars twinkling in the distance and know what I have to do next is going to be really, really hard.
***
When I push open the front door, the lounge is dark but someone has lit the wood burning stove we have but never use. It glows in the corner of the room like a beacon. The smell of food wafts over to me – roast maybe? Something delicious. My mouth waters. I don't turn the light on. I'm not sure if anyone's home. Mum could be out back in the bathroom. But her car wasn't in the driveway. I wonder where Ben is. I get a sense the house is empty and relax my shoulders, let my breath out. I can't believe how tense I am. But, when I turn around to close the door, a small figure is curled up on the couch under the tartan throw Mum got from the op shop. Then I see it is Mum. She's got her cheek resting on her hands; eyes closed. Her hair's tied in top bun. Her skin is pale white in the darkness; her breathing erratic, shaky. A restless sleep.
I remember the photo of her with my dad. All proud and righteous and ethereal. And here she is all childlike and tiny in a dark room, all alone. I sense my heart reaching out to her then shut it down when I remember how different my life could have been if she hadn't kept secrets from me.
I'm careful to close the front door and make sure the handle doesn't click in place. Mum stirs and her breathing stops for a moment before she opens her eyes.
We see each other through the darkness.
Mum doesn't move.
My jaw tightens and a sting creeps into the corners of my eyes. I can't let myself be sorry for her. I can't do it to myself.
"Where's Ben?" I ask, loosening my backpack from my shoulders, hanging it down by my calves.
Mum pushes up from the couch into a sitting position. She runs hand across her eyes. "I fell asleep," she says to no one because she isn't looking at me anymore.
"Where's Ben?" I repeat.
Mum finally looks over at me again. "I ... uh." She takes a breath in and tugs the blanket off her legs. "I ... I think ..."
I don't have time for this right now. I wave my hand at her, leaving her to wallow in whatever this is and push open the door to my room. Flipping on the light, I drop my bag onto my bed then slam the door closed with my foot. I tug my phone out of my pocket and slump down on my bed. Minda has texted. So has Finn. So has Claire.
Claire texts that she hopes I got home safe and that if I need anything at all to call her or Chris. Any time. I text her back thank you and I thank her and Chris for looking after us and telling me everything.
Minda's messages say she's completely fallen in love with Arhaan Behll one of the actors in her new favourite soap opera Pratigya. When I check out his picture, I text her straight back to tell her he kind of looks like Ben. I can't wait to read her response. It might also mean she comes home more quickly so she can meet him and I can tell her everything.
Finn's text is sweet: Got home safe. Hope everything's okay? Miss you already J. x.
I lie back on the bed and hold my phone to my heart and picture Finn's eyes and his hair and how he looked right before we got out of the car, all serious and grown up.
Miss you like hell. I add two 'x's' because, why not? I really do miss him two 'x's' worth. Probably more. But I don't want to overdo it too early.
A soft knock on my door.
I sit up. "Who is it?"
A pause.
"Jenna?"
It's Mum.
"Go away," I yell at her, lying back down on the bed.
She shuffles around, then says, "I get that you're angry with me."
I don't say anything.
"Can we talk?"
"Why?" I bawl into the air. "So, you can tell me to stop talking?"
"Please, Jenna." Her voice is barely there. I picture her on the other side of the door in her too-big black clothes. She'll have a delicate bird-hand pressed to the painted wood in the darkness as the wind belts around the house, rattling the windowpanes.
"I'm not dealing with you until Ben gets home!" I decided this on the way down. There is no way I am going to hear her side of the story without a witness. I have to be sure she's telling the truth; telling me everything.
Silence.
A message from Minda pops up on my phone.
Are you there?! Can I call you?
I text her back straight away and the next thing I know, I'm hearing her voice. Her familiar, smiling, voice that I miss so much.
"I'm sorry!" We both say it at the same time and laugh. I miss her so much. I have so much to tell her. But mum is on the other side of the door. I don't want her listening in so I move over to my desk and huddle over my phone, making sure I don't talk too loudly.
"I'm sorry about your dada," I say.
"I'm sorry I haven't called you."
"Are you okay? Is everyone really upset?"
Minda laughs. "Not really. He was on the way out, anyway. They were all ready for him to cark it. It's boring. We're coming home soon. Five more days—"
"That's so close to my birthday—"
"I'm helping Dad book tickets this arvo. I reckon we'll make it. I might be a bit jet-lagged that's all—"
"I don't care - I miss you so much!"
"Miss you too, Jensy. I wish you were here. We'd have so much fun!"
It's true I know we would. But then if I was there, I might not have hooked up with Finn. Or found my dad.
"Minds, guess what happened—"
Some voices shout at Minda's end. The phone goes muffled and Minda yells, "Shut up! You're such a bogan! Shut your fat gob!" I grin. She's the best. Then she's back. "Jensy. The car? This Ben guy? Does he really look like Arhaan? Oh my god he's so hot, Jensy. When I get back, I'm forcing you to watch the show with me. What happened with Finn? Oh my god, I want to be there so bad—"
"Do you have time to talk?" I laugh because I have so much to say and I don't want to rush it.
"Yeah," she says. "Shoot. One thing at a time."
I swallow and clutch my phone with two hands. Here goes. I start with the easy things first. "Okay. Don't freak out. Me and Finn. We're kind of together."
I have to move the phone from my ear while Minda squeals at the top of her lungs at the other end. "Holy shit! I love Finn. I mean, not like that, you know? I'm so happy for you! He's the best!"
My cheeks go pink when I whisper the next bit. "We hooked up, Minds. We ... had sex."
There's a paused, then in a hushed voice Minda says, "Oh. My. God." She lets out a barrage of questions about what it felt like and how did it happen and whether Finn is a good kisser or not and did I touch his 'thing'. I tell her I'll tell her later because I have something else important she needs to know. She wants to know what's more important than losing my virginity to Finnigan O'Connor.
So, I tell her.
"I found him, Minds," I say.
"You what, huh?"
"I found my dad."
Minda takes a deep breath and lets it out with a long, "Wow."
"I know, right?"
"Who is he? Where is he? What—"
"He's dead, Minds."
"I'm so sorry."
"But he's amazing. I mean, he was amazing." My voice shakes when I say it. "He was in a band. And he has a twin sister. I met her, Minds! I have a relative! Lots of them. And she looks exactly like him. Like me, Minds. And she says he was funny, and passionate and clever and ... Mum ... she ..." I have to stop because I don't want to say that Mum was insanely in love with him because I don't want to make this about her. Again.
"Jensy." Minda uses her firm, counsellor voice. "That's a lot to happen to you over, what? Four days?" I grope for a tissue in my desk drawer because my nose is running even though I'm not really crying. "Are you okay?" she asks.
"Yeah." I blow my nose. "I miss you and really want you home so we can talk about everything."
"Jensy." Minda's voice is soothing. "Why didn't you tell me? I would've called you straight away. You're not alone. Even though I'm not there, I'm still here for you."
"I know," I say, relieved it's all out and she knows the things I need her to know. "It's okay. I mean, Finn was there the whole time."
Minda says, "Oh he's so sweet. I knew it was meant to be but also I wish I was there."
There is more shouting behind her. This time she doesn't cover the receiver and barks, "I'm coming – geez – cool your bloody jets!" Her voice is back with me and she says, "I've gotta go."
I swallow and wonder if she was all right about Finn being with me when all this went down rather than her. "Are you okay?"
"Yes. God." Her voice is hushed. "They're being so annoying. Never have a little brother. And I have to do all this shit for my rellies. I'm so sick of being bossed around. Anyway, I miss you. I want to hear all about everything. I'm so excited about Finn. I'll be home in a few days, so we can talk more then, yeah?"
"Yes. Yep. I miss you!"
"Miss you, Jensy. Bye." She hangs up before I get out a proper goodbye.
I stare down at the phone with my heart in my throat. I want to text her and talk about everything more but a message from Ben pops up.
Glad you're home. I need help with dinner. U up for peeling spuds?
Am I? Am I ready for this? Is Ben? Is Mum? This isn't about peeling spuds. This is about telling the truth. Because, as soon as I go out there, I'm going to let her have it. I'm going to force her to tell me why she's kept all of this a secret from me for all these years.
I go to the mirror that hangs on my wardrobe door and look at myself. My hair hangs long and thick past my shoulders. It looks like my dad's. My eyes are his eyes. My chin is his chin. I owe him this. I owe it to him to make sure everyone knows I'm his because he doesn't deserve to be kept a secret any more.
I go to my bag and tug out the mixtape and the photos Claire gave me. I leave Mum's journal inside. I look into my dad's serious eyes and, before I push my door open, I whisper to him: "I know you're with me. I know you are. And now I've found you, please, help me with this, dad. Help me with her. I need you now. Please help."
And before I go out, the wind murmurs against my window, rattling the panes and the light flickers on and off.