I'm actually surprised that I managed to post this, I haven't been on here in ages. If you do make it to the end of this, thank you so much for being so understanding. And if you don't, well I hope that you're all doing fine during these difficult times
If I had to pinpoint what I'm really feeling, I would have to disappoint you, because not even I know how to figure out how I'm feeling. I feel lightheaded, confused, stressed and so many other things that i don't actually know about - but i feel them. I have a feeling it's the stress from the fact that results day is only a week away, which is really impacting what and how I feel about everyday things. I feel like there's always someone watching me, internally, but I don't know why I feel like there is someone in my eyes - over analysing every little thing, as if I'm a robot scanning everything.
My eyes are blurry, even with my glasses. I've been losing sleep because I can hear and see stuff that I am convinced that other people can't, not the majority of anyway. That's what makes it harder and harder to believe, I tell people how I feel and all they do is nod and say that it's ok - I think they do that because they don't really know what to do or say, and I don't blame them, trying to help someone can be really tough. I feel worthless towards the other people who aren't suffering, because it's not their fault that they don't understand, but what else am I meant to feel, when I do think and overthink how i should really feel - I end up crying and wanting to do all sorts of things and that hurts me as well as other people. I try and calm down these thoughts but I can't find a way to do so. I can't write what I want to write, like my projects on wattpad as well as be motivated to pick up a pencil and paintbrush. It's a weird feeling when you haven't written with a pen and paper for a long time - it feels like half of your basic skills are missing. Like if you lose it then you've nearly lost everything. How weird is that feeling? Does anyone else get it, or is it just me? I have a feeling it might just be me - especially with everything going on up in my strange head.
I keep trying to think of positive things as well as things to look forward to, but then it all backfires. Here's an example for those who have made it this for: I like to do digital art on my ipad, but it's pretty slow, so I've looked into buying an Ipad pro and a pencil which comes to about £888 in total, this equipment would really help me out, not just with art but with Uni also (if i get in anyway). This plan was a good plan which I had thought deeply about, until I told my dad that I was planning on saving up for it, which is when I started to think negatively about it. I really want to do my art as a side-on thing, maybe even sell some stuff. But now I look at my work and all it does is anger me, for the fact that I started to believe that my art is "good" - and now I'm on the verge of wanting to destroy all of it. I don't want to, but I have the feeling that I want too.
I apologise for all the grammatical mistakes and what-not but I'm currently struggling with this whole lockdown thing, as well as the awaiting of big decisions on whether I'll be staying or moving away for uni. I don't know what I want anymore, I guess I just want people to know that i'm not looking for attention and sympathy or any of that as I have been called an "attention seeker" for a majority of my school life, all i'm saying is that people are genuinely suffering from this whole lockdown thing and even though it might be in favour of looking after physical and general health. But what about people's mental health? We are struggling and we can't turn to anyone (we can but we feel that we can't)