02
FERRULE
⸻
babe,
remember the ring?
the one that you gave me
before i boarded the plane
and went to the other side of the world.
the single part of you i brought along
isn't enough to fill the loneliness that followed.
i don't wear the ring anymore.
no longer fits my thumb.
it slips,
metallic cool against my skin.
half a year,
locked inside my closet,
inside a case,
like the memories of you inside my head.
you and the ring both stayed in one place.
undisturbed.
i remember your river of dark black hair,
deep brown deer-like eyes,
zits on your cheeks.
shallow features.
i don't remember
your name,
your voice,
your smile,
your lips,
the twinkles in your eyes,
or the mocking giggly laugh,
or the quietness when i was with you.
i forgot them all.
it makes me wonder
what would make us
if i didn't sit beside you on the first day of class?
if i didn't whisper dirty jokes into your ears?
if i didn't give you a ride home?
if i wasn't talkative and you kept your mouth shut?
would we still somehow talk and become friends?
would i still become so fond of somebody
other than my own petty self?
others chirp and chat with their friends,
and i stand,
awkward in a cramped space,
bodies surrounding me,
strangers whom i fancy as friends.
say "goodbye"
and get no reply.
i can't admit that i'd cry
for those ridiculous reasons.
but,
i did. i do.
nobody gets me like you.
i'm a social butterfly,
talk to everybody,
hang out with everybody.
everybody.
but never, not once,
i truly belong in my own skin,
in my own voice.
something is always amiss.
a gap, between people and me
that couldn't be filled
with lame jokes or loud laughter.
and now, in this foreign land,
where eyes are unkind,
and mouths are unforgiving.
every sentence prying past my front teeth
is ridiculed with grammar errors.
every giggle rising in my throat
quickly compressed from nervousness.
i miss you
everyday.
every night.
every lunch time.
every once in awhile.
sometimes, i want to weep
weep for myself.
weep for my loneliness,
weep for my love.
god is cruel.
he didn't give me a reason
for our time together.
for taking us away from each other.
for not letting me forget you
without guilt.
i am powerless.
can't cut off the growing distance
between the world and me.
how can i take a leap of faith
when the giant hole inside my chest
seems impossibly endless?
i tried to befriend a girl.
a quiet one,
likes to draw,
likes anime,
a backdrop to the class,
closed,
too realistic.
similar to you.
even her zodiac sign is the same as yours.
a substitute
for you.
a version of yours in this new, cold country.
pathetic, am i?
seeking comfort from a stranger
who isn't bound to be mine.
yet i want to convert her.
like what i did to you,
so she would talk to me
get me
become friends with me.
i want to recreate fate's magic,
and will a soulmate into existence
through sheer hope and frustration.
a sketchy plan
doomed to fail.
but i can't give up
because at the very least,
maybe,
she'd somehow be able to heal my wound.
even though she can't.
even though i know she can't recreate you.
i keep thinking about
our childish promise.
i would settle in canada,
and you would come to learn in the us.
and together, we reunite.
even when we said the words,
we knew it wouldn't be true.
yet, strangely, i am looking forward to it
in vain.
in desperation.
the naive wish saves me
it is a future i crave:
to be with you, again.
a dream i keep close to my heart
as a lifesaver
amidst the chaos of this new life.
i wonder
do you feel like me too?
do you miss me too?
as much as i miss you.