TW: discussion of bipolar disorder
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The wind whips against our faces, and it feels like there are miles between us on this cliff. Gray's face is filled of raw emotion, his eyes rimmed red with sadness. Our eyes are locked but I can't see anything beyond his steely gaze. I feel frozen in place.
He blames himself for his dad's abuse.
He blames himself for his mother's pain.
His mom killed herself right in front of him.
Gray steps toward me but makes no move to touch me. His voice is ice. "So now you know everything, River. You showed me your darkness. So here's mine. Now you know how fucked up my father was. How bipolar he was."
He pauses, and I know what's coming.
"Now you know exactly how I'm going to turn out. Just like him. Unable to control my emotions, destroying anyone and anything around me," he bites out. "You've seen it happen, Riv, I know you have. It's in my blood to act this way, and one day, I'll be just like that son of a bitch and I'm so fucking afraid that you'll turn out just like my mom. Broken. Because of me."
He holds his arms out, as if offering himself up to me. I think back to our first encounter at the soccer field, the way he reacted when I showed up at his race, the nasty things he's said to me in the heat of the moment. I think of the way his emotions turn so quickly, of the way the real Grayson struggles to get through to me.
He thinks he's just like his dad.
I don't entertain the possibility that maybe he is. He is not.
More tears stream down my face, but I try to keep my face still. Yet I know that he sees right through me.
"It's not true," I say, pleading for him to believe me. "You're nothing like him. I know you, believe me when I say that. You yell because you've been hurt by him. Not because you're like him. You aren't him, and you never will be. None of that defines you, Grayson. He doesn't define you."
He doesn't meet my eyes.
"You were hurt by him, Gray, that much is true. But I've seen your lows, your raw emotion, and I know that you aren't him," I repeat, with a stronger voice this time.
"That's not all. I wasn't strong enough, River. Not strong enough to protect her, not strong enough to keep her alive. She's dead because of me," he says, sounding as if he's choking. "I'm the reason Gracie doesn't have either of her parents. Gracie never gets to know her mom or her dad because of me."
"You did the best you could. You're still doing everything you can to protect Gracie." I'm almost yelling now, trying to get through to him. "If anything, know that you're doing everything in your power to give Gracie the best life possible. None of this is on you, Gray."
"Raising Gracie can't make up for what I've taken from her. It never will," he insists, tugging on his hair roughly. "I fucked everything up. Especially Gracie's life. Don't let me fuck up yours, River."
I try a different approach, growing more desperate by the second. He's falling under, and I'm afraid he's in too deep. "You know the darkness, Gray, you told me. You know it's not real. What I'm telling you - that's real. Grayson, listen to me."
"River, nothing you say ca--"
"Gray, just stop!" Even I'm surprised by my outburst, but this needs to be said. He needs to remember what he told me in the car when I was at my lowest. "You're more than this. You're more than this darkness. You're more than your dad ever was. You're more than these...these thoughts telling you that it's all your fault."
"You don't understand."
"Yes I do. You've gone through this before, I know you have. You know exactly how powerful it can be but you got through it. You survived your fucked up childhood, and that was all anyone could have asked you to do. You say you weren't strong enough but you're standing here today because you overcame that shit!" I yell, getting up in his face. He struggles to maintain eye contact, but still manages to look at me.
He's silent, and his eyes betray nothing.
When he speaks, my heart breaks even more. "You don't know what I've done, River. Regardless of whose fucking fault it was, I lived my life as if it was. I didn't fucking survive the darkness, River. I lived in it for years." He moves his face closer to mine, trying to make me understand.
When I don't respond, he goes on, "Do you know what I've done? How many guys I've sent to the hospital simply because they looked at me wrong? How many nights I stumbled into class drunk out of my mind? How many girls I've been with before I met you?"
"That doesn't matter to me," I say truthfully. My words fall on deaf ears.
"That just proves my point. I don't deserve you, River!" He backs up from me, curling his lip. "I'm telling you that I killed my own mother, that I fucked girls left and right without a second thought, and you're still trying to see the good side of me. Knowing everything you do, how can you possibly believe that I'm worthy of being with you?"
Grayson stops backing up and shakes his head, still looking at me. "I'll ruin you, River. And I won't be able to live with myself once I do."
I shake my head, holding back even more tears. He's talking about how I'm above him, yet every word he says feels like a stab to the heart. But I meant what I said about fighting for this, about not giving up, and I'm going to stay until he understands that.
I'm grasping at straw at this point. "What about the card you sent me? You said nothing could ever keep you from me. Were you lying?"
He smiles grimly. "That card...I was selfish to write that. That was before we got up here and I realized...everything. Before I realized that you deserved to know the truth and that, once you did, I couldn't let you stay. Before I realized that you and I could never last."
Bullshit.
"Gray, stop thinking for me! Why couldn't we work? Because I'm too disgusted by the truth of your past?" I scoff. "If you can look at me and not realize that I'm falling so fucking hard for you - every single part of you - then you're out of your mind."
I draw closer to him, feeling his eyes blaze through me. "I know everything, Gray, every fucked up reason why we shouldn't be together. And you're right - all I see is the good. And no matter how many fucked up things about yourself you show me, the good is all I'll ever see."
I place tentative hand on his arm, pulling him back to me. Gray doesn't flinch or move back. He just keeps his wet eyes focused on me. He searches for any sign of hesitance or fear, but I don't give him any. The warming wind blows against us, but we both stand strong.
Then Grayson reaches into his pocket, pulling out a folded up piece of paper. It's the note I sent with the present I gave him. He never told me he read it, so I assumed it got lost. From the frayed edges and deep creases in the paper, I now know that he's carried it with him this whole time, silently.
He slowly unfolds the note between us. I watch as his fingers smooth over my words, something I've done with his letters and something he's probably done a million times with mine. Gray reads it out loud, although I already know every word that comes from his mouth. They came from my heart first.
"I never wanted more, until met you."
- Christian Grey.
He flips the note over.
All my life, I've felt unworthy, unloved.
You feel as though you don't deserve me,
yet most nights, I lie awake wondering
how I got so lucky as to cross paths with you.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.
Maybe then you'd realize that I'm the one that doesn't deserve you.
- Riv.
Gray looks up at me again and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. I hold my breath.
"I wish you could see yourself through my eyes," he whispers, mirroring my own written words. I listen closely, falling into his touch lingering on my face. "Maybe then you'd realize that you're one of my only reasons to keep fighting. I know it's selfish but--"
"Then what's the problem?" I whisper, cutting him off. "If we both see each other for who we truly are, regardless of how we view ourselves, then what's stopping this from lasting? What's stopping us from being together?"
The corners of his mouth lift slightly. "I guess, nothing is."
Then he kisses me. My lips are uncertain at first but I give in, feeling his arms wrap around me and press us together once more. With my eyes closed, I feel the sun rise behind us, and I lean deeper into Grayson, sealing my words with a kiss.
Then we watch the sun rise over the horizon as we hang onto each other for warmth and support. Chewie runs circles around our feet, not knowing what's going on but still wanting to be a part of it. We laugh in each others' arms, watching the tiny dog.
The sun is well above the skyline before either of us dares to speak.
"We need to take Chewie to the vet," Gray says. I lean back and smile at him.
"Chewie, huh? Don't tell me he's growing on you."
He shakes his head, avoiding looking at Chewie, who's staring right up at him. "Not a chance. But fleas exist."
I watch Chewie circle us once more before sitting down at Gray's feet. "If he has fleas, I have fleas. If I have fleas, you have fleas."
He laughs. "I hope fleas aren't a dealbreaker. You said you were falling for every part of me, right?"
I rest my head on his chest. "Right."