I was glad that Drew wasn't a perv. Because if he had been, it would be a lot more awkward and uncomfortable to wake up naked in the bed next to his and find him humming a familiar guitar riff at 7 a.m. while he lay in bed and stared at the ceiling, periodically stuffing his face with nachos.
He had been kind enough to stay out half the night and give us some alone time.
Flynn was still fast asleep. His big, sad eyes were shut and his face had a weird calmness to it. My fingers in his tousled hair. A glorious, soft mess.
I wasn't sure I wanted to be there when he woke up. Drunken one night stands don't generally lead to great mornings.
If my headache was any indication, this was going to be bad.
Three days back, I got stabbed in the leg and then made out with Flynn. Yesterday the pain got too bad and he was the first person I called. Why? Because he had the alcohol.
Now I had something that classified as progress.
Which meant I was allowed to go back to my room. Provided I could find my clothes without waking him up.
I couldn't find my underwear but my jacket was within reach and I could spot my shorts. Gently, I pulled my fingers out of his hair and sighed. He was something. I didn't care much most days. Today wasn't most days. I was there. In that moment.
I slipped on my jacket and shorts, trying not to move too much and got out of his bed. Grabbing my shoes and phone, I walked out of there. Normally I'd stay and have a conversation with Drew but this would be a little too awkward.
"Jamie?" I heard a voice I'd had quite enough of but nearly not enough of.
But of course if I just walked away it would seem rude. So I turned on my heel and faced his half naked self. He looked gorgeous. Tired and shabby but still gorgeous.
"I--I thought I should go?"
"Yeah...yeah, you should." He said, glancing back at his room briefly passing a hand through his hair. The hair I'd ruffled up last night.
"Will this make it too awkward?" I asked.
"I don't see why." He shook his head. He was so casual about casual sex? I liked that. The fact that he could take it with such ease. Almost made me wish it hadn't been so casual.
"Great. Uhm--I'm going to slowly walk away now and it won't be awkward." I said with a smiled.
"We're friends, so this is absolutely not awkward." He smiled back.
"For some reason that just puts a very not PG image of you and Drew in my head."
"Oh, absolutely. Drew and I are very not PG" He shrugged.
"Really?"
"No, he says I'm not hot enough for him."
"He's right. He deserves better." I nodded and he laughed.
"Hey, I had fun last night." He called out, now that I was a few feet away.
"Drunk sex? Why on earth would that be fun?" I asked, sarcastically.
"Can't wait for next time." He joked.
"You wish." I laughed.
"I do." Oh. Oh, he does like me.
I put on a bright smile and walked further away. Pleased with myself. Jamie had done it. Officially gotten close to the target. He liked me.
And all it took was a night of hot, messy, fucking and a splitting headache that caused Claire to take over. It took some effort to not think about him.
I had to deal with the headache. Fast.
My phone said I had 20 minutes to class. There was no way I was missing class because of a headache and a pretty great night.
My phone also said I had seven missed calls from my actual, real boyfriend who was probably not going to have a very positive reaction to my achievement. He'd also left me an unreal amount of texts.
If I read the texts, I'd melt and give into the urge to call him. Something I definitely couldn't do because I didn't have the time or the mental strength to deal with lying to him.
Once I was back in my room, which was surprisingly empty, I got dressed as fast as I could with the headache I had. For the headache, I grabbed an aspirin and prayed it would work.
I knew I'd have to eat something if I didn't want to make my already growling stomach any angrier. The protein bar I hurriedly consumed was only a temporary solution.
Then I grabbed my stuff and ran. I ran like my body didn't ache from a night of being crammed in a tiny fucking bed with Flynn.
And that's when everything came crashing down. Or rather, crashing into me. Throwing me off my feet. I couldn't have mistaken that gorgeous purple mop of hair if I tried. My heart plummeted.
"I have to go." I said, getting up and dusting my jeans.
"Jamie, wait." He grabbed my wrist. I missed the way his hands felt.
"I'm late for class."
"Please." The desperation in his eyes slowed me down.
I let him take me back to my room and locked the door. Flynn couldn't walk in on this, there was no way I'd be able to explain it.
"I told you I'll punch you if you showed up here again," I said, impatiently. Sweat leaked through my shirt rapidly and I didn't know how much longer I could stand here and lie to him. Because that's what it was. I was hiding something that I shouldn't have.
"Not even a hug?" He looked at me a little surprised.
I couldn't do it anymore. I walked up to him and wrapped myself around him. "You're working out," I whispered into his soft scent.
"Yeah...surprise!" He said, taut against my body.
"I have to go," I said pulling away.
"Show me where Belle hurt you," he said, his gray eyes pooling with concern as he placed his hands on my waist, gently.
"I have to go." I repeated myself and completely removed myself from his grasp. I could see the time ticking away and I should have left. I was late and staying would only make it worse.
"Run away with me." No. No. No. No.
"What?" I took a step further away from him.
"C...I love you and--and I miss you so much." He tried reaching out but then hesitated.
"What the fuck happened?" I demanded, feeling a wave of anxiety tear through me.
"Does it matter?" He chuckled nervously. Oh no, it's bad.
"Yes." I wanted to scream but nobody else could hear this go down.
"C, why can't we just run away?"
"Because I don't want to," I said, stubbornly.
"Please?"
"Ace. I--I have a job to do."
"We could get real jobs if we ran away." I couldn't believe him. This was just so unbelievably stupid. He knew what this meant. He knew what he was asking me to do.
"I--I can't leave a job halfway." I hesitated, realizing that I was breaking his heart. In my own, slow, stubborn way.
"I quit," he said, softly.
"You did what?" My voice softened.
"Claire, I quit." He couldn't be serious.
"Why?" I searched his face but he didn't give anything away. He was vulnerable now. More so than before.
"I--I don't know?" He took a step closer but didn't touch me. He knew I was mad at him.
"Ace!" I growled. I had good reason to.
"I didn't want to do it anymore, okay?"
"Why not?"
"Because, Claire, I want to live." He looked frustrated. Tired. Hopelessly in love.
"What's to say you won't if you continue doing this?"
"Doing what? Spying on people? Undercover jobs? Or do you mean the henchmen part of it because honestly I don't see it anymore. It's too dangerous, C. And for once in my life, I want to live."
"What do you mean?"
"It means," he cupped my cheeks, his fingers ever so gentle, "Claire, I love you. I want to live. Be with you. I want to be your person. And if I die on a job I don't even care about...well, then I can't do that anymore." I was holding back tears. I knew that he knew but I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't going to put both of us through that.
"Flynn wanted the same and look at what that led to." I waved my arms around.
"He didn't run. He didn't have a reason to." He shrugged. I couldn't let him do this. This wasn't just about him.
"I want to break up." I whispered, feeling the lump in my throat expand.
"I know it's scary, I'm sorry for just springing this on you, I just--I spent the last two days worried about you and I couldn't see you...and it made me want to change that?"
"Ace, I--I can't leave this job halfway." I shook my head.
"Why not?"
"It would be unprofessional."
"Don't pretend like you're doing this job for any other reason apart from the fact that you have no choice, C." I was. I did have another reason. If I quit, it was simple, Ace died. I knew J. I knew all those fuckers. There was no way I was going to run away and risk that.
"I like it," I lied. Because if Ace knew it was about him, he'd get me to leave. The little shit had no regard for his own life, not in the grand scheme of things, and it was hard loving someone who could be so belligerent.
"No, you don't." He stated plainly.
"You're wrong."
"Claire, I know you. I know why you do jobs and I know you only took this one because you had a knife to your throat."
"And maybe I like having knives to my throat." He was going to see through it but it didn't matter. I just had to get through this conversation.
"Why are you lying to me, baby?" He looked helpless. And so small all of a sudden. The softness in his voice shook me up but there was nothing I could do.
"I--I think you should go."
"C? Hey, come on?" He was still holding out hope. For me. For us?
"I'm serious." I snapped at him.
"Fine, I just thought you should know," he shrugged. Then he stepped closer to me, "If you want to do this job, that's alright. I'll wait for you." He smiled fondly.
"We're done, Ace." The words spilled out so fast. So easily. My lips didn't offer any resistance. None at all.
"What?" Was it surprise? Shock? I couldn't tell. I couldn't read him. There was this odd stoic quality about him when he wanted there to be. It's like the first time I said it, he didn't even register it.
"I said, we're done. Over. Finished. I want to break up."
"Oh. Okay. Uh--may I ask why? What happened? Did I do something?" Finally. Emotions broke out. All kinds of sad desperation and maybe even a hint of disbelief.
"I--I'm just--I don't love you." I didn't want to push him away. But maybe it would make him safer? Maybe it would just make me feel less guilty about the whole Flynn situation.
In that precise moment, his heart broke. His lovely grey eyes tore away from me and he looked to the ground. His body shook a little and I knew he saw that something was different.
"Wow." His voice cracked. I had no doubt in my mind that Ace was in love with me, I had no reason to doubt it. But I never thought I'd feel it this way. In this awful way. That it was real? Ace loved me. He had spent some amount of time loving me. In that moment I felt loved. For who I was.
"I'm sorry, I just--I've been spending a lot more time with Flynn and--" I wanted to hug him, tell him that was a lie. But halfway through my fantasy, he interrupted me.
"I found Dickens." And for a moment, I was almost tempted into thinking I could run away with him. It would be perfect. Just the three of us, driving endlessly, sleeping in cheap motels and scandalizing locals everywhere we went with our horrendous dressing sense and inappropriately timed make-out sessions. Whining about the heat and singing badly in all through the day.
Yes, I'd like that. But I'd like him to live, a lot more.
"That changes nothing." I tried maintaining a straight face.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Why would something be wrong?"
"You're acting weird. You don't care about me or Dickens, you love the job and you're worried about class?"
"You really should go."
"I guess I should. Call me when you're feeling like yourself, alright? I'll wait for you. Take your time." He leaned in and kissed my forehead, "I love you," he whispered.
"You shouldn't wait."
He shrugged again and walked away.
Maybe I should have told him the truth. About me and Flynn. About J. About hating college. About being in love with him. About how glad I was that he knew where Dickens was.
I shook it off and walked to class. Halfway there I realized I was too late for it to make a difference and turned to the cafe instead. I could use a nice tall cup of coffee. Or just some time alone in a place that wasn't my room.
I had nobody I could call for comfort. Nobody who'd make a difference right now. Some part of me had made peace with it. The loneliness that just seemed to get worse with time and I had to get used to it.
So I sat there and felt sorry for myself. Like a loser. Chugging down coffee like it was beer and letting tears spill out slowly.
•••
"Hey? You okay?" Chris asked as I dropped myself on my bed after a long day of drinking coffee and feeling sad.
"Fine, thanks."
"Jamie, I'm here for you, okay?"
"Alright, cool."
"You didn't come back last night."
"I was with Flynn." I brushed it off. It felt like so long ago.
"Oh? Good for you!" She chirped.
"Yeah, he's great."
"I thought you were just friends?"
"We were. We are. It was just casual drunk sex, no big deal." And then it came. The tears. The wailing. The sobbing.
"Oh, Jamie! What's wrong?"
Chris sat at the edge of my bed.
"My mom's not well." I'd been working on an excuse all day and that's what I managed to come up with.
"Fuck. I'm so sorry." She leaned in and gave me a short hug.
"Yeah, I'm sure she'll be fine." I snorted.
"Do you wanna go see her?" She asked.
"No. There's nothing I can do. Besides, I can't afford to miss any more classes."
"Your brother's with her, right?"
"J? Yeah. Yeah, he'll take care of it."
"We've gotta cheer you up!" Chris hadn't been this nice to me in forever. But I guess I hadn't cried in front of her like that before. "I'm gonna get Grace and Jane and then we'll all cheer you up!" She jumped to her feet and dashed out of the room.
It was comforting. Seeing Chris worry about me. Not nearly enough to dull the pain but at this point anything less than all of it was a relief.
The door opened and Grace and Jane marched in with Chris.
All of them had determined looks on their faces that said that my alone time was over. Grace was the first to say something. Of course she was. She was the one who did most of the talking. Grace was tall and had lovely clear dark brown skin. She was the softest of the lot, with her big brown eyes always filled with innocence. She was always the first to speak. I had spent enough time with them to know that.
"Chris said you needed friends." She said, instantly coming closer and wrapping me in a tight hug, "Jamie, I wish I could make you feel better in some way."
Jane didn't say much but she was there and that's what mattered.
"I said, you guys are supposed to cheer her up!" Chris demanded.
"I know, but she looked like she needed a hug." Grace shrugged.
"Jamie, get up," Chris said, nudging me.
"I don't feel like it," I said.
"I know. But you have to."
"I don't have to do anything." I snapped. I shouldn't have but I didn't need another person telling me that I had to do something, "I'm sorry," I murmured and sat up reluctantly.
"There you go, now one of you say something!" Chris said to the other two.
Grace looked at Jane for a moment and then they both nodded.
A few minutes later they returned with their hands full. Jane had a bunch of candy and Grace had a speaker with her and a pile of items I couldn't identify. They dropped everything onto my bed.
"We've got coloring books, supplies, candy and music." Grace announced gleefully.
I was glad to have them. I really was. They cared about me for no real reason apart from the fact that they were decent people. Something I don't think I'd have done for any of them. I wasn't under the impression that I was a good person. I wasn't.
And yet, I wanted to be. I wanted to be caring and nice and the kind of person who'd drop everything to help someone else.
Maybe I could have been that person if I'd run off with Ace. Maybe I'd regret not saying yes. I'd wanted to go. The idea of not being Jamie anymore was liberating. Just the thought made me feel lighter. But soon enough I was reminded that I was, in fact, still here and then it became harder.
But I'd stay.
Because it was the only way to make sure that he was safe and for now, that mattered more.
And maybe someday we would leave? Maybe?
°°°
A/N
It's nap time. I've been doing a lot of reading and clearly, some writing. But hey, progress!
I'm so tired my brain can't make sense of words anymore. Everything just looks like a keyboard smash.
So. Now you know why the song attached is the one it is.
Okay byeee! See youuu!