"It was really raining hard.", I suddenly exclaimed while looking at Chrollo.
The parking lot is a little bit farther from where we are standing right now and we have no protection, umbrellas, or jackets on hand. But the police and other mafia personnel are still rummaging around the auction hall, with phones on their ears and some civilians are even eavesdropping on the scene. It feels like they don't mind the cold, hard pouring rain, making me shiver.
"I guess we have to run."
"While you're carrying Rina? You sure you can?"
Why am I even worried?
"I can, Y/N." He looked at me, giving me a reassuring smile. It was so genuine that it made my heart skip a beat.
"I-If you say so..."
On the count of three, Chrollo caught my hand before we both ran under the rain. As if on cue, even though droplets are pouring on my eyes making it hard to see my surroundings, I watched the man holding my hand while running and it feels like everything turned into slow motion. His face, his eyes, his background is even blurring.
I'm only focused on him. On Chrollo.
His hand on mine, my heart beating for him, my mind on a total maze, and more. We're in a middle of a mission but why am I thinking about him? The way his hair moves along with air blowing it, it's so beautiful. He's so beautiful. Like an art moving.
No, he really is an art.
What if I didn't push him away? If I let him explain on that night? Will everything change? Will it change something? Deep, deep, deep down, I know I'm still in love with Chrollo. He's still the one for me. But there are so many obstacles on my way to him and it feels like I won't reach him anymore. Things became more complicated than the last time. I can't turn back anymore.
Mindlessly, my tears fell from my face but it's not that noticeable because it's raining.
I will miss him so much...
"Earth to Y/N?"
I blinked twice before looking around. In front of me is the troupe with worried looks on their faces. Looking down, Chrollo let go of my hand already.
"S-Sorry, what is it again?"
"You've been staring at nothing for a minute already. Are you okay, Y/N-chan?"
Smiling sheepishly, Shalnark took off Chrollo's tux on my shoulder before replacing it with a dry jacket so I hugged it, smiling and muttering a thank you.
"Yup, I'm okay. Don't worry."
"She's hurt." Lucilfer interrupted. "Let's take her somewhere safe."
Everyone nodded at their leader's plan before lounging inside the van. Their first option is to go back to the hideout but I stopped Phinks since he was the one assigned at the stirring wheel this time.
"Let's switch."
"Why? You're hurt. We need to go back immediately and-"
I shook my head. "I can manage. We'll stay somewhere better for tonight."
Phinks looked like he hesitated a bit but the rest of the group just nodded at my suggestion, letting me take the driver's seat. The place I'm maneuvering right now isn't unfamiliar to them since they've been to my mansion before. Yup, on the night of the accident. It surely brought back painful memories to everyone, to me and Chrollo the most, but no one dared to speak a word.
We all sat there in silence with only ragged breaths to hear.
When we reached the destination, no one is still making a sound until the butlers greeted everyone. Taking the elevator, I pushed the topmost floor since it's the floor for the guests. There isn't too much room but I'm sure they can fit. Shalnark and Shizuku were the first ones to say something, amazed at the place.
"You can choose which room you can sleep in. Everything's fine with me." I started explaining.
"There are bathrooms with saunas on each room and they're all air-conditioned. Feel free to use it. For clothes, there are spares on each cabinet, both for males and females. If you can't sleep, I have a bar on the fifth floor. It's always open."
Uvo, Franklin, and Phinks cheered as the girls decided to sleep in one room while the boys occupied two. Rina was taken by the girls but her hands were still handcuffed. I walked back to the elevator as they all thanked me but before the door closed, I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of Chrollo's tear from his left cheek, causing me to gasp. He was staring at me like he was going to say something but the elevator closed already.
He's still in pain. No, we both are.
I can't sleep yet and I was just tossing and turning on my bed. I feel so uneasy so I planned to went upstairs to check everyone. It felt like the last time, I was worried about Chrollo back then until I caught them on the act. The memory brought pain to my chest but I decided to brush it off. It's impossible to happen again and if it's going to happen again, then so be it. Chrollo and I aren't together anymore, right?
It's his choice now.
Before I reached the top floor, my phone vibrated as I received a message from Illumi. At that moment, I knew my heart shattered into pieces yet I didn't mind replying first. I have to do something about this.
When I reached my destination, I was surprised to see Chrollo in the living room. He was sleeping on the sofa, curled like a ball.
"Chrollo, why are you sleeping there?"
I said in a hushed tone (but I'm sure it can still be heard) yet I received no response. Walking towards his position, I sat beside him. He looks so peaceful, like a tiny, innocent baby, sleeping.
Tapping his shoulders, I tried to wake him up. He'll have back pain if he kept sleeping here in the living room. Is he shy about sharing rooms with his troupe members? I mentally laughed. Silly.
"Chrollo, wake—"
Oh my God.
"You're burning! Chrollo, wake up! You're sick!"
A nudged him as he opened his eyes. He is shaking! I immediately called for two butlers to help him get into my bedroom. I need to tend on his side or else, this simple fever will get worse. I was cursing under my breath as I followed my two butlers, helping Chrollo walk on his feet. This is my fault. I shouldn't have listened to his plan, running under the rain. Look what happened!
"Do you need anything, Madam?"
"Bring me fever medicines. That's all, the rest is up to me."
The butlers nodded before granting my request. Chrollo, now on his new pair of clothes, is still shaking while laying on my soft bed. Dragging a chair beside him, I put a damp towel on his forehead, my hands shaking too. This is my first time taking care of a man, much more, sick. This is making me more uncomfortable but I have to at least, make his temperature lower. A minute passed before I heard a knock on my door, a maid having my medicines on her hands. I gladly accepted it before waking up Chrollo.
"D-Drink this first."
Sitting up, he covered his mouth as he coughed. "Did I make you worry?"
"What's with that question?! Of course!"
Chrollo smiled, taking the medicine afterward. "I'm sorry then."
"It's fine."
"You have to rest too, Y/N."
"Not until you feel better." I protested until our eyes met. Here goes my heart, skipping a beat again.
"You're here beside me, there's nothing more I could've asked for. You're here with me so I'll be fine."
You're so good at words, Chrollo. So damn good.
I shook my head. "Worry about yourself, not about me. I have to watch you all night so I can check your temperature from time to time too."
"You don't have to."
Stubborn as ever.
An idea popped up from my head to at least grab more blankets for him but he stopped me from my movements.
"Don't leave my side," Chrollo begged. "Please..."
My cheeks burned as I gave in his request. "O-Okay..."
Oh Lord, why am I nervous around him?
Choosing to close the main light, our only source now is the lamp beside us. His eyes are closed but his hand is still holding mine. If this will make him better, then fine by me. I can't leave his side for now.
"I'm sorry...." He started.
"I told you, it's not your fault for catching a-"
"No. I'm sorry for everything I did before."
Why is my heart aching?
"I knew I explained myself before but I still want to say sorry again. I hurt you, Y/N. I think I gave you the most painful memory in your life. I don't want you to believe my explanation, I don't ask you to trust me again this time, but, why are you doing this? Why are you still here despite all the mistakes I did? Why are you still helping my troupe? Me? I knew you're feeling responsible because I etched that tattoo on you but..."
"...you can leave anytime you want. You can quit anytime you want. Y/N, I know that Feitan's message isn't the main reason why you came back. Just because he added a please at the end of his message? You're not that petty and unreasonable. Out of all people here in this place right now, I knew you the most. You're prideful. You're strong. I was the one who broke down your walls, only me, that's why I know you very well. Now, tell me..."
He opened his eyes, now with tears on it.
"...why did you come back?"
I remained speechless, staring at his eyes. Why did I come back?
"Answer me, Y/N. I need to hear you. Why? Tell me it's not yet too late for me to sue you again. Tell me I still have the chance of bringing you back. That night I met you in the Zoldycks' garden, remember that? I told you I'm a thief, Y/N. I will surely get everything I want, what I desire. I want to get you back. Tell me I can still steal you—"
I cut him off by slamming his lips into his. The feeling is still here in my heart, exploding. Love, desire, lust, all mixed up. Tears fell down from my eyes, not because I'm hurt as he bit my lower lip, but because I knew everything will not end the way I want. The way we want. No matter how much I do, there's no turning back for me.
"I love you, Chrollo. I came back for you..."
I came back for you.
"I have to see you again before it's too late. I need to tell you, I need to forgive you. I need to admit and confess everything, the words I'm afraid to tell you before. I love you, Chrollo. More than anyone in this world but..."
"B-But what, Y/N?"
"...I'm sorry."
His face is painted with confusion and all to the point it's making my heartache.
"We can't be together. I'm..." Is this the right time to tell him this? But if not, when? "...sorry."
"We can't be together?! Why? Tell me everything, Y/N! I'll do everything, anything, for you. Just to get you back. I beg you!"
"We can't!" I pushed him off before standing up. "S-Some things aren't just meant to be! W-We aren't promised tomorrow, Chrollo."
Turning his back from him, I ran to the door. "I-I have to go..."
I'm leaving again. I'm leaving him without explaining. Without telling him why, why I'm running away, why I'm backing out. I never thought that tonight will be our last kiss. I never thought that it will end up like this. This isn't the fairytale I dreamed of. Chrollo doesn't deserve this kind of treatment, he doesn't deserve my love. He deserves someone better than me. He can't just settle into someone like me.
I still remember the look on your face.
Lit through the darkness at 1:58.
I hear Chrollo's whimpers and begs inside my room but I chose to ignore him. This is painful for me too! I finally admitted my feelings for him but in the end, I still have to go. I still have to leave him.
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets,
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something.
As I rode my elevator, Illumi's text lingered on my mind again.
From: Illumi
Kikyo suggests having the wedding next month. What do you think?
My fingers are shaking while I typed my reply, droplets of tears falling on the screen of my phone.
I never planned on making you cry but not letting go would be living a lie.
My reply will decide mine and Chrollo's future. This is for the best, at least, that's what I think. I'm such a coward. I can't even fight for Chrollo, I can't even stand up for our love. He said I'm strong? He's wrong.
Your name, forever the name on my lips, Chrollo. Just like our last.
To: Illumi
If this is for the best, then earlier, the better.
I'm so sorry...