TAEHYUN'S
"The heart is divided by a partition or septum into two halves," I read the words out loud, eyes straining to read the over the bulk of information I was cramping in my brain.
I groaned and reclined on my office chair, pinching my nose bridge. I have just memorized this same section of the book a week ago, how did I forget it quickly?
Everywhere I looked, I was drowned by responsibilities and stress, books and reviewers piled over each other like old newspapers. I have just pulled an all-nighter; I haven't noticed the sunlight peeking through my curtains.
My head was throbbing, which was why it was a bad idea to open my phone. But I did anyway, even when the glare forced my eyelids to scrunch. Someone has texted me—Kai, my med school classmate.
The nature of the message was urgent, apparently, Kai had tried to call me, but my phone was on silent. Since I couldn't make out what he meant by 'hyung he's here' in text, I called him.
"Hello? Kai? What's going on, I've been studying, barely had a wink of sleep--"
"Soobin-hyung is in Beomgyu-hyung's studio."
In a cliché romance movie, I would be dropping my phone to the floor in shock, but this wasn't a romance movie.
It's reality.
How can one truly be certain that everything gets better..., after the worst?
~Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes~
I reasoned with Kai, "Well, they were friends, right? It's fine, maybe he was just, visiting?"
I knew that wasn't the case. It has been a year. Soobin would be the last person Beomgyu wanted to see, at least I think so.
None of us have mentioned anything about being together, I have just assumed we had a mutual understanding.
I was just giving Beomgyu extra time to heal. Too much time...
Kai's line was silent. I spoke, "Kai, what are you even doing there?"
"Hyung, you asked me to return Beomgyu's stuff. The thing is still with me, I don't know—should I knock?"
I sighed. Right, I asked Huening Kai to return the spare laptop I borrowed from Beomgyu since my own was too broken to function after I spilled my coffee on it. The pressure of school works has totally wiped that from my memory.
I kicked on the legs of my study table, my chair rolling farther from it.
"You mean... Soobin is still there...?"
"Yes, hyung. It has been about thirty minutes and Soobin-hyung is still--"
"Kai, what's wrong with you? Knock on the door, it's not like you'd be interrupting something--"
"Hyung, we don't know that, can't I just leave this outside?"
"No, don't, unless you're willing to put a whole in your wallet when it gets stolen. Freaking knock already, Kai."
"Tyun-hyung--"
"That's it I'm coming, you absolute coward."
"Thank you, hyung! I--" I pressed the red button in the middle of his phone screen.
I made my way to my car, I was shaking, but not because of the low temperature—but because of the fear of not knowing what to expect.
Kai was waiting for me at the lobby of the establishment Beomgyu's studio was.
I took the device, not waiting for Kai to catch up with me, and went up the stairs. There was an elevator, but I didn't think I could muster the energy to wait in line when I had the worst feeling in my guts.
The door to the studio was left slightly ajar.
My suspicions were confirmed when I peeped in.
~But it's the only thing that I know~
The guitar was still on Beomgyu's lap, the strap slung on his shoulder, his fingers on the strings, thumb behind the fretboard...
And Soobin was next to him, their lips locked in a kiss.
I didn't have to be told that this was an intimate moment between the two, I shouldn't be here. Beomgyu's dream was coming true—Soobin has finally realized his worth.
I tried to quietly slip the laptop onto the nearest flat surface upon the entrance, but it ended up hitting the wall because of my shaking grip.
Maybe it caught his attention, I wouldn't know because as soon as the gadget was were carefully balanced, I turned around and walked away.
~When it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes~
I picked up my pace after I heard Beomgyu call out my name. My feet were hitting the floor as if I were stomping without shoes on.
Doors with silver-plated numbers were in my peripheral as I dashed through the corridor.
"Taehyun-ah! Slow down, Tae," he said. This hallway felt longer than it actually was. But Beomgyu was fast, so he caught up to me.
I nearly tripped over my own feet when his grasp forced my body to face him.
~It is the only thing that makes us feel alive~
"Taehyun—I can explain--"
I yanked my arm away from him, taking a few steps away. Explain what, though? It's not like we had any kind of relationship before this.
"No, hyung. You don't have to explain anything... you finally got what you wanted."
I tried to smile, only for my lips to quiver in a failed attempt to do so.
Beomgyu was speechless at what I said, so I continued, "It gets worse... before it gets better, right?"
"Yeah..., this..., this is where it gets better... for you, Gyu hyung," I found even his name hard to say.
Stunned, he replied, "Tae, Soobin came onto me--"
I didn't want to hear any of it. He made a move closer to me, and my hand went to gesture for him to stop.
"Hyung, even if he did... this is your chance to be happy with him."
"I pushed him away as soon as--"
Another set of footsteps approached, which made Beomgyu stop what he was saying.
"Beomgyu?"
The said boy bit his lip.
Soobin caught up to us and smiled at me. Sorry, but I was incapable of smiling at Soobin, at anyone, right now.
I gulped, did I really have to endure being here? I wanted to leave, was there any way to do that without coming out as rude?
"Hi, I'm Soobin," he reached out for a handshake. I didn't want to be anywhere near Soobin nor Beomgyu, much less touch him.
Instead, I responded with an introduction of my own, eyes boring into Beomgyu's as I shook Soobin's hand.
"I'm Taehyun. Beomgyu's friend."
"Tyun-hyung!" Kai's voice called out from the end of the hall. Escape. I nodded in finality and walked away from them.
~We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves~
I dashed to my car, thankfully being followed only by Kai.
Tears were staining my eyelashes, but maybe it was just sweat—I don't know, don't care.
Slipping into the driver's seat, I closed the door shut with a bang. When I saw my reflection in the rearview mirror, I felt something click.
My hands clenched themselves into fists and took a jab at the steering wheel. Next thing I knew, I was hitting the wheel harder, every strike causing my car to honk at the empty parking lot.
I barely noticed Kai hurriedly opening the driver's door and throwing his arms around me in some sort of attempt to calm me down.
Kai was tall and his position was awkward, crouched under the car's hood, his legs in a half-kneel. If I continued to thrash any longer, Kai would get hurt.
"Hyung... hyung, please calm down," he said in a meek voice, the same voice he uses to convince me to buy him a plushie.
For his sake, I relaxed myself, my muscles loosening up, leaning onto Kai like a magnet. His fingers were playing with my hair... in the exact same mine consoled Beomgyu when he was down.
"I'll drive, hyung. You might crash the car."
With that, Kai helped me out of the vehicle, well, more like hauled me out, and I ambled toward the passenger seat.
Regret and heartache stabbed me in the guts when my eyes adjusted to the light radiating off my phone screen. My lock screen was a picture of Beomgyu, a picture I took using my camera last week.
Beomgyu would always ask me to take pictures of him because my photography skills always did his face justice.
Time flew and my eyes were still fixated on Beomgyu...
I remember getting irritated at him once because he never looked straight into the lenses. When I pointed that out to him, he answered, "Blame yourself for that, Taehyun. Why would I want to stare into the camera when the one behind it has such beautiful eyes, nose and lips?"
~Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still~
Enough of that, though. I would only end up hurting myself if I recalled every single one of Beomgyu's meaningless pick-up lines.
Kai pulled up in front of my house, the usual spot I parked my car.
I didn't bother asking Kai how he would get home, he could manage.
He exited the driver seat, before I can take the first step towards the gate of my house, he asked in concern, "Are you going to be okay, hyung?"
Over my shoulder, I said, "I'll live."
~
Call me dramatic, but as soon as I entered my room, I went straight to my bookshelf and took out the portfolio conveniently labeled: Beommie hyung, with the intention of disposing his pictures I took.
Something caught my eye though, a picture of Kai and I on our first day in college.
~So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans~
FLASHBACK
Kai approached me first, brown hair falling in short locks right above his ears. I was struggling with my locker, not with the lock—I was too smart to be troubled by the password.
The thick medicine books crammed in my arms were buried in my chest as I desperately pushed them inside. Kai must have sensed I needed help.
He took some of the material in his own hold, I exhaled, "Thanks." It was a relief.
When I successfully closed the metal opening, Kai spoke up, "You're new here aren't you?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Would you want me to show you to your room? What's your schedule?"
"I do that on my own, thank you."
"Wha--"
"I have legs," I snickered. I never expected this chatterbox to be my friend.
--
"Tyun hyung, please~," Kai and I were outside in the field of our university. There were athletes who were jogging around the campus, one even had a dog running alongside her.
I was kneeling on both my knees, angling the camera in a way the rose bush overlapped the building up front. With one eye focused on the camera's viewfinder, the other closed in a half-wink, I replied to his pleading.
"Kai, I'm busy," I said while clicking the camera's shutter button. I hissed when the wind hit and a leaf covered the view of the building's name.
"But it's just one picture, hyung! Please, I badly need to change my icon on Twitter, it's been months."
"Sure, Kai... but another time, all right?"
That "other time" never came. It was simply because I felt like I was cheating on... well, Beomgyu.
Photography is my passion, I've had a camera in my hands almost as soon as I learned to speak and locomotion.
My subjects were usually flowers and my neighbor's pets, people's faces usually go unnoticed with me.
Every artist has a muse, though. A person who serves as the source of motivation and genuine beauty in one's work. The constant face in the creator's masterpieces.
For me, that was Choi Beomgyu.
Letting Kai model for me, letting my camera's flash lighten his face felt like cheating.
But after I saw how Beomgyu threw that all away for Soobin, I had the instinct, a pull, an initiative, to cheat on my muse.
~Holdin' me closer
'Til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone~
"A little bit to the left—yeah, yeah, look down a bit—there perfect," Kai was on an elevated platform in their university's botanical garden.
I saw how Kai's eyes sparkled as they were fixed on the camera. And how his lips curved up in a smile. And how the wind blew his hair and slightly exposed his forehead.
There was always something about Kai's smile, something I couldn't quite put my finger on, but I liked it. I could pinpoint what that was soon, but now I had a camera in my hands.
Busy with immortalizing his expression, with all the colors and elements coming into play.
I was about to take another picture when his smile drops.
"Kai, what's the matter?"
~Wait for me to come home~
When I turned around, there was Beomgyu. My heart dropped to my stomach. His eyes were darting between Kai and the camera in my hands. I didn't make a move towards him, I watched his form retreat and leave.
I'm sorry, Beomgyu. You're not my muse anymore.
~Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know (know)~
It wasn't long until I found what I wanted.
Found it with Kai.
I was cooking pancakes, it was a lazy morning. Mostly, Kai was the lazy one. I was flipping pancakes in his kitchen.
I shouted at Kai, who was lounging in his living room, binge-watching Netflix.
"Kai-ah? Breakfast is already done. I'm just reminding you of my salary," I teased. He didn't answer, this boy is stubborn as hell.
There was some shuffling, and right before I could transfer the fluffy meal onto a plate, a pair of arms wrapped around my torso, pulling me close and buried his nose in the crook of my neck.
"Kai, it's gonna burn," I said while giggling at the feeling of his breath tickling me.
"Hm, then make another one, I want cuddles, let me be~"
But have I really found it? The four-letter word I've been yearning for Beomgyu to reciprocate? Or was I just using Kai to be the temporary stitches to my permanent wound?
~I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of ya~
Kai and I lasted for seven months.
"I guess there was a part of me that really loved you, Kai... but," I fumbled for any sort of justification that would satisfy Kai. I have just broken up with him because there were times being with him felt wrong with a capital "W".
Falling in love with Beomgyu messed me up and this was it—I wasn't going to drag Kai along with my hazy intentions for any longer.
It was a quiet night, Kai was driving me home and we were stuck in traffic. It is the worst time for me to break up with him, I know.
He could turn visceral and crash the car, however the nagging feeling of guilt for my non-existent infidelity to Beomgyu caused me to blurt out the words, "I'm breaking up with you."
~And it's the only thing we take with us when we die~
Maybe Kai's world ceased to revolve while mine continued to orbit aimlessly, but I couldn't read Kai's expression.
Usually, I could tell whether he was happy or sad, however as I try to think of what he's thinking of, I realized we never had a connection.
"Who is it, hyung?" Kai asked, foot pressing on the brakes as he focused on the road and traffic lights.
Shame washed over me, I wished I could tell him it was someone new I met in school, or a new neighbor. Trust me, even I wished I have found someone else.
Kai understood my silence, "It's still him, isn't it?"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. Talk to him," Kai said. Now, I can tell he was in the brink of tears.
"It has been seven months, we haven't talked since. How do you think he would react if I called? What if I ruin his life?"
"You said it, it has been seven months. You've been pretending to love me for seven months. If he doesn't want you, he would block your number."
I was left speechless.
~We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves~
"I've anticipated this, and maybe I've jinxed myself. I would be alright to see you content, because... that's what people do for the ones they love."
"Kai... but how about you?... how..."
"Hyung, don't worry about me. It's just a broken heart."
He faced me and I can see his eyes glistening with the liquid he refused to fall from his eyes.
"I'll live."
~Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts were never broken
Times forever frozen still~
Of course... I never called Beomgyu. I focused on studying and finishing to graduate to get my hands on my diploma.
If I couldn't cure myself, healing others could compensate.
Soon enough, I found myself reciting the Hippocratic Oath, a doctor's vow, along with my other batch mates.
I felt fulfilled, and at the same time... empty.
It has been four years since I've let Beomgyu walk away from me. I thought that, perhaps, distance and time could repair whatever Beomgyu has broken.
All those years of abstaining from Beomgyu, from his voice, his enchanting melody... proved the truth behind the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".
The second I got home, I searched for Beomgyu's Youtube channel. Has he sung anything new?
Fine, I'll admit I wanted an update about his life and, knowing Beomgyu, I would find exactly that by listening to his covers.
I instantly fell into a rabbit hole, entranced by Beomgyu's voice... I stumbled upon our cover of "Happier", it was shocking how young we were, shocking how four years could do a lot to change someone..., but could do nothing to change how much I miss him.
The video ended, I scrolled down to the video's description... and there was a link. A new one that I was sure wasn't there the time it was posted.
I clicked it and it brought me to Beomgyu's latest cover.
'Over and Over Again (A Cover For You)'
My favorite song. My eyes widened as I anxiously waited for the video to load. I did not want to assume, I was frozen, unmoving on where I was standing.
He began to sing, and I felt like crying. It has been too long since I have indulged myself with anything related to Beomgyu.
The song ended, and I expected the video to cut to black, but it didn't. Instead, it continued to roll.
"Hey, if you haven't exited this video yet..., I might as well cut to the chase, you're curious who I'm dedicating this song to, aren't you?" Beomgyu chuckled in his usual tone.
My pulse quickened, I wasn't running a marathon, I was just listening to what Beomgyu had to say..., right?
"I can't tell you his name for obvious reasons but...," he looks straight into the camera, right into my eyes through my screen, "It's been four years and I still dream of you."
Beomgyu shook his head and laughed, muttered to himself, but his microphone still caught his words, "It's not like you would watch this anyway..."
He turned to the camera again, "You're a doctor, now. You've earned what you deserved."
"Congratulations, Doc."
~And if you hurt me
That's OK, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go~
What came over me when I ran towards my car and drove to Beomgyu's studio? Took the route I swore I would never take again?
I would never know, or maybe I was simply in denial because my pride wouldn't allow me to admit I was soft when it came to Beomgyu; that I would sacrifice my soul when it came to Beomgyu.
I stationed my car in its usual spot, and got out, the smell of damp gasoline in my nose, nothing to worry about, I was in the carpark of Beomgyu's studio... I'm here.
I can't believe I'm here.
I can't believe I'm raising my hand to knock on his studio's door.
I can't believe he opened the door.
I can't believe I'm seeing him in person after so damn long.
~Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home~
I can't believe there's a girl in his studio, a girl right behind him.
"Taehyun..." Beomgyu said, I felt his panic rising.
This situation was way too familiar, too close to what I saw four years ago.
Too close to the reason Beomgyu and I drifted.
"Uhh, yeah, I was just leaving," I said through gritted teeth. Once again, I was caught between the walls, doors, ceiling and floor of the same hallway.
Some things never change, like how the heels of my feet dug onto the floor as if I were running without shoes on.
Like how Beomgyu chased after me.
What was I running away from? Why was I running away?
~Oh you can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat
Where I should be~
Why was I using all my strength to speed up my steps when the only one who mattered for the past years of my life was tailing right behind me?
I took the easy way out, through the lobby, not bothering to pick up my car. I needed fresh air, my hysteria was suffocating me.
The lamp post was where I ran to, leaning myself onto its metal body.
Why did I let myself be hurt again?
"Tae..."
I didn't have to look behind me to know it was Beomgyu.
"Tae, I missed you... so much," Beomgyu said, he seemed to be picking his words with caution.
"You think I didn't?" I said, gulping. Where was this conversation headed? Why wouldn't he just go straight to the point and tell me I was so full of myself for thinking the song was for me.
Why couldn't he just tell me that he got over Soobin, made a fool out of me, and now had a girlfriend in his studio?
"Tae... the girl you saw, that was Shin Ryujin. She emailed me last week for a collaboration."
I slowly turned to face him, and, oh god, I missed him. I missed how his hair looked like an unruly coconut. Now that he had my ears, he spoke about the past.
"Soobin came onto me, Tae. Even I didn't know what came over him... that night, he and Yeonjun fought because Yeonjun was leaving to live in the US. Soobin was upset Yeonjun never told him until the last minute."
My head had a hard time to grasp the newfound information.
The night was quiet, not even crickets were heard. Just Beomgyu and my ragged breathing.
He pulled out his necklace that was usually hidden, tucked behind the collar of his shirt. The pendant was a heart-shaped locket. He clicked it open, and showed me what was inside by lifting the pendant up by his palm.
On the right was a picture of his parents... and on the left...
"Is you, Taehyun."
The tips of my ears were heating up, Beomgyu's eyes were hopeful, hoping that I would understand.
I did.
"Tae," he breathed.
I didn't know what to make of how close we were, so I did what felt right.
I stepped closer.
"Tae... what are you...," he said, voice faint. I brought my palm up to his cheek.
I could feel his breath on my lips. I sealed the gap between us... and it felt great.
My muse was back.
All the yearning, all the longing, all the time we wasted avoiding each other... has finally led to this moment.
~Keep it deep within your soul~
"Hello, Bamtoris!" Beomgyu said into the microphone in front of them with the camera was recording. I was crouched below the table, hiding myself since Beomgyu was insistent he wanted to have a "big reveal".
"As you can see, I'm live, and I'm doing the boyfriend tag!"
He continued to speak, "Oh my God," he nudged me under the table, "The comments blew up."
I began to feel pins and needles on my legs, and before Beomgyu could object, I emerged and sat beside him. Beomgyu glared at me for ruining the surprise.
"Sorry Beom-hyung, I'd rather cut my legs off that suffer cramps," I said. He began to ramble silently to me, losing all the confidence he had from the start of his livestream.
"Shh, Gyu, let me read the comments," I squinted at the comment section, which was being flooded by questions of fangirls who were freaking out.
"Uhm, let's see," Beomgyu said, taking his own time to scan through the comments, "How much does Taehyun-ssi love Beomgyu?"
Beomgyu casted me an exaggerated look of curiosity as he said, "Oh no, you're making him blush."
I shrugged off my embarrassment and answered the question, I had to get used to this if I were to stick with Beomgyu for the rest of my life.
"I... I do really love you, though. A lot."
~When I'm away~
"Paging Dr. Kang Taehyun, please proceed to the reception area ASAP." I put down the clipboard and huffed, I had to check out three more patients under my care before I could go home.
One would think that if I survived four years without speaking to Beomgyu, I could live through forty-eight working hours away from him. No, I can't. The wait is actually worse.
"Doc, someone is calling for you, they say it's urgent."
A thousand possibilities rushed through my mind, could it be my cancer patient? The results of the blood samples I sent for my research study?
"Hey, babe." Oh, what a relief. It was Beomgyu.
"Hello, uhm, why did you call me?"
"Oh no~ Is my baby too busy that he forgot his own birthday?"
"Hyung, that isn't until tomorrow," I said, grabbing a pen and signing over a document the nurse gave me. Might as well multitask while talking with him.
"Is it so wrong of me to want to give it to you tonight?"
"What could it be? Couldn't it wait until my actual birthday? It's my day off tomorrow anyway--"
Beomgyu cut my rambling, "Tae, I don't care if you get out of there by midnight, or four in the morning for all I care... just know I'm here waiting for you."
"What? Where?"
"You'll know. Figure it out, Tae. I'll be here."
~I will remember how you kissed me~
BEOMGYU'S
I trust in Taehyun's capabilities. He knew me well and was familiar with my sentimentality. There were many lamp posts in the world, but only one of those had an impact on my life.
That one faulty lamp post near my studio where both of us got emotional, which led us to kiss.
~Under the lamppost
Back on 6th street~
The light post flickered, like it was saying hello, and perhaps wishing me good luck.
Perhaps it saw the box I held in my hands. I anxiously ran my thumb over the case, I didn't want to overthink.
Taehyun has been with me for five years now, it would be an impractical choice for him to say no.
~Hearing you whisper through the phone~
"Beomgyu?" Taehyun said. I whipped towards his direction, hiding the box in my coat, but he had already seen it.
He brought his hands to his face, cute.
I took out the box once more and knelt on one knee, opening its latch and revealing the simple silver ring.
"Will you marry me, Kang Taehyun?"
Now, we both knew there would be obstacles along the way, but it would be nothing compared to what we have been through. It only made us stronger.
This time, it will only get better and better the longer we stay in each other's arms. No more threats of anything getting worse.
The lamppost's light shone onto Taehyun's face as he answered--
"Yes."