Ilhoon's POV
"Can we talk?"
He is standing there, stares at me deeply. His eyes could not hide the pain he felt. The thing that I've been trying to ignore all this time. What now? What does he want?
Honestly, just look at that sad and hurtful eyes makes me in pain. But why does he have to look at me like that? Why does he always look like the most hurt one?
I can feel my body start shaking but I have to endure it. Things that always happen whenever we're alone in one room. I have to be strong. As usual. As what he has said five years ago.
"I'm tired. We can talk tomorrow."
"No, we can't"
Huh? What is it about? He suddenly wants to talk so bad after avoiding me for five years?
"Sungjae-ya."
"I can't hold it anymore. At least listen to me," he said, slightly rising his tone.
"I don't know what you want but lower your voice, please. You can make the others misunderstand."
He closed his eyes while trying to catch his breath. Should I approach him and hug him? Oh of course not, I don't think that's a good idea.
"I know it's too late now. But I think there's so much think we need to clear up."
Oh here we go. Is he trying to call back all the memories now? Here? Right after the party? I don't understand him and I never will.
"About what?"
"What?"
"Yeah, I don't understand what are you talking about," I tried to say it coldly. "We haven't talk about anything but work for years and suddenly you want to talk so bad in the middle of the night. So, what is it about, Yook Sungjae?"
"I miss you."
Damn. What did he just say? He misses me? After all this time? After making me look like a fool who is always longing and waiting for him? He must be kidding me.
"Are you drunk or what?"
"I'm not."
"We meet almost every day. We just spent time together. I'm even in front of you now. What do you have to miss?"
'You know that's not what I am talking about."
"So what was that? Did I miss something?"
"I miss you. I miss us."
"Us?"
"Yes. Us."
What now? What is he trying to say after all these years? I thought he has left everything behind since all the rumor about him and that girl back then.
"What do you mean? What happen with us?" I'm still trying to answer it as flat as possible.
"Hyung," he replied in a tone full of pain. Why? Why did he have to put on a face like that? Am I not the one who should feel uncomfortable with this situation?
"Look, I'm tired and I have no time to talk about anything. You better go."
"Not until you listen to me. I've hold it for so long and I can't do it anymore. Please stop avoiding me."
"Me? Avoiding you? Are you insane? Weren't you the one who ignore me at the first place?"
"I didn't ignore you."
"Oh, you didn't? You just act like nothing happen in front of fans and camera, then you don't even want to look at me when the camera off. Still want to say that you didn't ignore me?"
"I did that to protect you."
"To protect me? What? Excuse me? Didn't it because you got more popularity and afraid that my existence will spread the rumor about you?"
There I say it. I've said what I have to say.
"It wasn't about that and you know it."
"Oh, so what is it about? Enlighten me then."
He gulped nervously. Until this moment, no one knows about our relationship in the past, except Hyunsik. We hide our relationship because at that time our career was not stable. Then, when our name became more famous, Sungjae suddenly leave me without a word. I don't even know what happened back then. Nobody knows.
"Look, I know it's been years. But lets try to stop avoiding each other now. Lets face the truth."
"The truth? What was the truth, sir?"
"You are the one who run to other guy's arm, just six months after we broke up."
"Oh, so it's my fault now?" I can't help but raising my voice. How could he just say that?
"I just need some space back then, but then you run to Hyunsik hyung and suddenly you two announce your relationship to our member and agency."
"Some space? You said some space? By leaving me just like that for six months without even saying anything? How could you...."
"Okay, I'm sorry. I am so sorry that we end up like this but I never mean to hurt you."
"So what was that?"
"I was too young."
"Oh, so I wasn't?"
Damn. Did I just say it loud? I don't even care anymore if I wake the others up and make them listen to our fight. The anger in my chest is unbearable. I've hold it for too long and this dude just make it worse.
"Okay you want to talk about it now? Fine." I paused my sentence for a moment to take a deep breath. "You think you are the only one who scared and confused back then? I did too. You left me hanging just like that. After six months, you suddenly come back like nothing happen and following our schedule as usual. You act like everything is normal meanwhile I have to deal with all the pain that you gave!"
My eyes begin to feel burn, again, but I chose to hold back my tears. I can't cry in front of him. Not after all this time I struggled against this pain. I will not let him bring down my defense just like that.
"You were mad because I run to Hyunsik hyung? Well, he was the only one who took care of me and love me back then. I have no one. I was broken hearted and almost kill myself several times. You said you were too young? Well, how about me? Have you ever thought about me back then?"
"I-"
"No, you didn't. Cause all you care about is only yourself and your god damn career."
I break into tears. I say it with the intention to hurt him, but it hurts myself more. Because I know deep down that's what he thought. He wanted to erase me because he knew how difficult our relationship would be if we continued. Especially for his career and future.
"Hyung, I-," I can feel he walk to me.
"Don't come closer."
"Ilhoon hyung."
"Why you bring this shit up now? Why? We've lived like this for almost five years and everything is fine."
Sungjae gulped while standing stiff. Several times he seems want to reach my body but he backed away. He looks doubtful, as usual.
"The day we released our song, on that day, I've decided I'll let everything about us go. So why now, Sungjae? Why the hell you have to bring this shit up now?'
"Cause still there's so much thing I want to say. I know it's useless now. I know it's too late. But I want you listen to me at least for once."
"We should not talk about it anymore. There's nothing left to say."
"No. There's so much things I need to say. I still can't get over you. I feel the pain too. I thought after all these years, I can forget you, forget us. But the longer I try, this feeling just gets stronger. I can't hold it anymore. I know it's too late, but don't you feel it too? Don't you also still hope we can go back to the way we used to be?"
"No, I don't"
Sungjae suddenly approaches and grabs my body. Forcing me to stare at his eyes that are red from holding back tears.
"Look at my eyes and tell me that you don't love me anymore."
I can't.
"Tell me. Tell me that you don't want me. Tell me that you've been happy with him and you never thought of us. Tell me now so there won't be another 'what if' tomorrow."
How could I say that?
"Just for once in our life, lets be honest. Don't you still love me?"
I can't give him the answer. He knows me too well. There is no point in trying to lie because he will find out right away.
He knows exactly what I feel.
He knows I still love him no matter what.
And it hurts.
"As what you've said, it's too late now. You know we can't be together no matter what."
"So you can do it with Hyunsik hyung but not me? Why?"
"Because you will never want to jump to the fire with me, Sungjae! You don't wanna lose me, but if I come back to you, what next? Will everything get back to what it used to be? Will you do what Hyunsik has done for me? Will you say you love me, proudly, and hug me like what you used to do? Will you? Could you?"
He can't answer that. His grip on my arm weakened. I knew he is still a coward like before. His age may get older, but his mentality has never grown. He is still the same Sungjae. Still is the stupid and self-centered Sungjae.
"What? Why you suddenly become so silent?" I finally got my strength back and look at him skeptically. For a moment earlier, I thought I had hope. But seeing his reaction now, I know, even if we get back together, in the end I'm the one who will get hurt again and again.
"I keep remembering all the beautiful days that we had. When you were always beside me when it was difficult. It's funny because at the same time, I tried to erase you. I know. I'm so stupid. We should not end up like this but I screw it up. I'm so sorry."
"So lets just keep it that way. If you can live like that all this time, means we can simply just keep it that way forever."
He then pressed our foreheads. I could feel his warm breath touching my face. I really want to push him away but I have no strength to do that. Or maybe. Just maybe. I miss this moment too? When we can be this close and share our feelings?
"I want you back. I will do anything. This time will be different I promise you."
"I can't. I can't hurt him just to be with you. It wouldn't be fair. We shouldn't do this, Sungjae."
"But you still love me. You still want me back," he whispered.
Again. I can't answer that. Part of my heart want him back. Meanwhile in the other hand, I can't hurt the only man who loved me sincerely all this time. So I just let it hanging.
Some things are better left unsaid.
We keep in this position and remain silent for a moment. Until finally, I dared to look at him and our eyes met. That's when I realized I made the wrong move.
He seemed hesitant, but finally put his lips close to mine. Slowly, very slowly, our lips touched.
That's when our tears also met. Tears that we've hold for so long. Tears that contain all the questions and confusion that we buried. Tears that hold the longing and emptiness that we hold. All merged into one kiss that we could not stand.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I wish I could tell him that.
But I can't say it loud.
I already someone else's.
And I can't hurt him.
Then I can only kiss Sungjae back. I leave it for once. I let go of all the tightness in my chest. I hope this is enough to answer his question. I hope this is enough to make us let each other go. And before things heat up, I decide to end our kiss. I wiped the nape of his neck while still closing my eyes.
"You better go. It doesn't matter anymore what we feel. I can't hurt him. He loves me, and that's enough."
"I'm sorry."
"Lets just forgive and forget, Sungjae. We can't be together no matter what. So let me go."
He still trapped my face in his grasp, then whispered softly, "I love you. I still. I always will."
Then he gives me his last deep kiss before he releases me.
I thought everything is over. I thought after he left the door, everything is finished. But what am I hoping for? Of course, our super loud fight will wake everyone up. Including him. Who now standing in the doorway with an unpredictable expression.
"Minhyuk hyung is waiting for you in the basement. You better go now," he said, in his deep voice.
Sungjae seems stoned for a second, "H-hyung.."
"You can go now."
He told Sungjae while staring at me. His calm face and voice make the atmosphere even more awkward. It would be much better if he was angry or yell at us. But Im Hyunsik is still Im Hyunsik. He will not do that even though his heart is in pain. He loves us too much.
Sungjae no longer replied and leave us. Leave me and Hyunsik hyung in silence.
"Does it still hurt?" Hyunsik asked after only staring at me for a few moments.
I nod.
"Can I hug you?"
I nod quickly, while releasing tears that for a moment I held back.
He then approaches me.
Like five years ago, he hugs me without asking. He kisses the tip of my head, while stroking my hair that is still not too long.
"It's okay. It's okay. You can cry."
And I cry in his arms. Feel guilty. Feeling useless. How can I hurt this man? How can I be so cruel to him?
I want to love him too.
I really want to give all my heart to him.
But how?
I'll tell you, I missed you
I'll tell you, it was so hard
We shouldn't have ended it like that
But it seemed like you were doing well so I couldn't tell you
Maybe it's really time for me to let go now
-Yook Sungjae (Tell Me)