xxi.
you plus me is bad news
(Love on the Rocks by Sara Bareilles)
__________
September 24, 1977
She started getting ready at seven in the morning.
Fuelled by excitement and nervousness, Hermione had woken up at five, whilst the sun was just rising over the horizon. She tried to sleep again, because Merlin it was a Saturday after all, but sleep had been elusive. Hermione busied herself instead, grabbing her Arithmancy textbook from her trunk, and trying to read, but the words grew blurry. Hermione gave up after rereading the same line ten times and threw her book back in her trunk.
The brunette found herself staring up at her canopy as the minutes passed by, wondering if it would be all right to get up so early for Hogsmeade today.
It was silly how she was feeling this way, when in the end, James would tell her he was dating Lily. But, an annoying voice in the back of her mind reminded her that he didn't need to invite her for a full Hogsmeade trip together (and alone) just to break the news. The rational side of her brain pointed out it was probably his way of showing his gratitude for her help. The irrational side, the one who'd always short circuit every time she was talking to James, blubbered out that perhaps James just wanted to genuinely spend time with her.
'No, no, no,' she told herself countless times, every time her thoughts would stray in that direction.
She spent the remaining hours clearing her mind and calming herself down. Once her small clock struck seven, Hermione hauled herself out of bed and started to get ready.
Hermione rarely took long dressing for the day, but for some strange reason, she had a difficult time choosing what to wear. The 70's fashion still made her nose wrinkle a bit, since she mostly found the Muggle clothes too loud and extravagant. Anya still bought Hermione clothes the brunette knew she would never wear, but she didn't have the heart to tell her excited mother.
As she opened her trunk and scanned through her array of clothes, Hermione started to have a mini panic attack at the thought that she had nothing decent to wear. 'All right, calm down, all right,' she told herself, taking in a deep breath and closing her eyes. Her fingers ran through the different clothes, blindly pulling random garments and tossing them on her bed.
Hermione finally decided to wear a blue plaid jumper dress over a black turtleneck sweater. It was terribly cold outside since it was autumn, so she also pulled on some black tights to warm her legs.
By the time she was done, she clambered towards the full-length mirror in their room and blinked, surprised that she didn't look awkward in her clothes. As expected from a previous Pureblood socialite, Anya knew how to dress properly, even with Muggle fashion.
The brunette finally glanced at her voluminous hair and worried her bottom lip, wondering what she would do with it. There was a tub of Sleekeazy's in her trunk, so maybe it wouldn't hurt if she applied a few scoops on her hair just to tame it down.
Catching her thoughts, Hermione's hand climbed up to the bridge of her nose and massaged it in exhaustion. 'This isn't a bloody date,' a voice sniped snidely in her ear. 'You don't need to do such a ridiculous thing.'
In the end, she decided to just tie her hair into a long braid just to get it out of her face.
The door suddenly burst open and Hermione flinched, craning her neck over her shoulder to stare sheepishly at Dorothy.
"Blimey, Hermione, you're a sight for sore eyes!" the sweet witch tittered, appreciatively glancing at the brunette from head to toe. A teasing smile bloomed on her face. "Are you going on a date today?"
"NO!" she exclaimed almost immediately. Dorothy quirked an eyebrow at her vehemence, prompting Hermione to blush and look away. "It's not like that."
The other Ravenclaw hummed, looking like she didn't believe her at all. "So, anyway, I just came back to tell you that James Potter's been lurking in front of the Tower," she said, that knowing grin still on her face.
Hermione's eyes widened in surprise. "What?" she gasped, glancing at her small clock once more and noting it was only nine in the morning. "But it's too early!"
Dorothy quirked an amused eyebrow as Hermione gathered her things and stumbled out of the dormitory. The airy common room was still packed with students, because it was weird to get to Hogsmeade earlier than ten in the morning. Most were still lazing around and hanging out with their friends. Of course, since she was in the Ravenclaw Common Room, there were diligent students buried under huge tomes of books at the desks.
Her footsteps faltered as she neared the entrance door. Hermione nervously tugged the ends of her braid, calming herself down. She told herself again and again that this was just some harmless hanging out between two friends. Granted, one had an irrational crush on the other, but that was beside the point. The point was, James was already dating Lily and he wanted to thank Hermione for helping him finally win the girl.
Mustering the Gryffindor courage she knew she had never lost, Hermione pushed the door open and stepped outside.
It was easy to find James, his form now towering over the other scuttling fourth years behind him. He was pacing, deeply nervous as he kept on running a hand through his hair, ruining whatever style he had worn prior to arriving. James hadn't noticed her yet and Hermione faltered, her blue eyes secretly admiring the clothes he had chosen to compliment his looks. James and Sirius had started dressing in a mixture of Muggle and Wizarding clothes alike; something about rebelling, Sirius had once pointed out.
Today, James was wearing Muggle jeans and a rich, burgundy turtle neck she knew would have cost a fortune. Draped over his shoulders were thick, silk midnight blue casual robes, she didn't doubt would feel very soft to touch.
Merlin, he was annoyingly dashing today. Hermione bit her bottom lip to stop a groan from bursting out.
"Hi," she called out instead.
James suddenly skidded to a halt and twisted around, facing Hermione completely. Unfiltered surprise crossed his features as he beheld her, his hazel eyes painstakingly drifting from her head to toe, before snapping quickly back to her eyes. "You look... um, I mean..." He trailed off and ran another nervous hand through his hair.
Hermione's heart fluttered at his reaction, secretly pleased that she had chosen to dress up today.
For him, Merlin help her. Hermione Granger would be very disappointed with her.
She dispelled such thoughts and gave him a small smile in greeting. "You're here early," she pointed out. "I thought you said we'd meet at 10?"
His face flushed, a sheepish smile growing. "I woke up very early today," he confessed. "Couldn't sleep even if I tried. So I decided to get ready and – well – here I am."
Hermione looked at him in surprise, unsure how to interpret his words. She did exactly the same thing this morning, with reasons she knew she shouldn't have. Was James that excited to tell her that Lily had finally agreed to date him?
Or...
'Shut up, Hermione,' that same snide voice snapped inside her head.
Slightly frowning, Hermione strode forward. James' eyes snapped back at her, hardening with a certain intensity at each step she took.
"Um," Hermione said, nervously tugging the ends of her braid once more, "maybe we should get going?"
James took a sharp intake of breath. "Yeah," he breathlessly whispered, "Good idea."
Their walk towards the thestral-drawn carriages was unbearably awkward. She and James had always slipped into easy conversation before, but there was something about today that made everything odd and uncomfortable.
Such was her desperation to at least do something, that when they reached the carriages, her hand automatically touched the skeleton horse by her carriage and gave him a small pat.
James looked at her weirdly. "What are you doing?" he asked, knitting his eyebrows together.
"Oh, just silently telling him he's been a good boy for working so hard," she said with a small laugh.
"What?"
The Gryffindor looked marvellously confused, and that was when Hermione realised he still couldn't see the thestrals. "You never knew the carriages were drawn by thestrals?" she asked, trying to rack her brain for any mention of them during their previous Care of Magical Creatures classes.
"Oh, I know," he said, blindly reaching forward near Hermione's hand. He flinched back almost instantly upon touching something solid. "Blimey, I used to think the carriages were autonomous, spelled to transport students to and from the school premises." After a short pause, he glanced back at Hermione. "You see them?"
She smiled sadly and nodded her head.
"Ah, right, of course," he said, ruffling his hair whilst flashing her an apologetic smile. "I remember fondly how Peter almost shite himself the first time we rode the carriage together. He's the only one who can see them amongst the four of us."
Her smile turned sadder, her heart growing heavier, knowing that in a few years, the four Marauders would all be able to see the thestrals in their skeleton, black-eyed, winged-form glory.
"And, we've actually made everything depressing," James joked, a laugh bubbling out. "Come on. No time for those. It's Hogsmeade weekend!"
She echoed his laugh and instantly climbed in the carriage, faltering a bit when James deftly held her hand to help her climb. Her cheeks flushed redder at his offhanded gesture. She couldn't see how he looked right now since she was busy looking away and willing her cheeks to return to their normal colour.
Conversation was easier then. James told her the exact details of how they had pranked Madame Pince and gotten themselves banned from the library for a month. "Too bad we can't attend your study sessions now," James pointed out with a relieved grin.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "We can always find another place to study," she interjected. "Like the abandoned Charms classroom where I taught you how to play the guitar. Or, maybe I can invite you over to the Ravenclaw Common Room. We have really nice study desks, you know. I'm sure my housemates wouldn't mind."
James made a face and loudly groaned. "Hermione, please, spare me," he beseeched. "It's Hogsmeade weekend! Can we not talk about studying for now?"
"Well, okay, I can do that," she said with a huff. "Just remember that you have to start your fifth-year coverage for Arithmancy if you want to get an 'A' for that subject."
"Hermione," he groaned in misery, prompting Hermione to start laughing at the ridiculous look on his face.
"Blimey, you and your friends are so predictable," she laughingly claimed. "As soon as I start talking about studying, you're reduced to whiny five-year-olds."
His eyes glinted in amusement, his petulant frown melting into a small smile. "Merlin, I can't imagine how we'd have survived our Hogwarts years without you, Hermione," he earnestly said.
The brunette's eyes widened a bit at his words. James survived his Hogwarts years without her before; he grew up with his friends, wreaked havoc in Hogwarts, fell in love with Lily, and graduated in one piece. She wanted to tell him that he could survive through seven years at Hogwarts without her, that he'd done it before, but surely, she would sound barmy. He may have said those words without much thought, but it had a great impact on Hermione.
She'd been so deeply entangled with all of their lives - the Marauders, Lily and Sev, and even Regulus - and she had arrived at a startling truth she had never realised before: she couldn't imagine her life without them either.
As much as she loved Harry and Ron and everything Hermione Granger had been, Hermione Pettigrew had grown up in this world, surrounded by people who unwaveringly loved and supported her. It was inevitable that Hermione would fall in love with this world and everything it had given her.
She had been Hermione Pettigrew for sixteen years already and Merlin Almighty, she felt like she truly belonged in this world.
"Hey," James called, his face swimming back into her vision. "Everything all right?"
"Yes," Hermione replied with a kind smile. "I just realised something important today."
His gaze grew questioning, but Hermione merely shook her head. "It doesn't matter," she dismissed. "Look, we're nearing Hogsmeade now."
The thestral slowed into a trot until he stopped all together. James quickly jumped down from the carriage and offered his hand again. This time, Hermione blinked at him in surprise.
"Err, Pureblood etiquette and all that shite, Hermione," James pointed out with a nervous laugh. He shook his hand. "It doesn't bite, I promise."
Hermione snorted, relieved he wasn't making this more awkward between the two of them, and gingerly placed her hand on top of his. His hand was warm and calloused, no doubt from years of gripping a wooden broom. A blush bloomed on her cheeks once more, as he deftly helped her down, immediately retrieving his hand once Hermione's feet were firmly on the ground.
"Where to first?" James casually asked, his eyes scanning the town. Students were still scarce, seeing that it was still earlier than usual.
"Scrivenshaft's?" she suggested with a sheepish smile. "Sixth year essays demand more length and my parchment supply is dwindling so..."
James laughed and steered Hermione towards said shop.
Predictably, there were only one or two customers inside. James left Hermione alone, much to her relief. It was uncomfortable for her when people were hovering over her shoulder whilst she bought her things, most especially books. She always had this feeling they wanted her to make haste, and Hermione ended up panic buying, forgetting, or regretting her purchases in the end.
She grabbed a few spare quills and more ink wells, pulled out some rolls of parchment, and bought some more for her friends who would be taking their NEWTs this year.
By the time she was done, Hermione scanned the small shop in search of James' messy mop of hair. She soon saw him near the different displays of quality quills from various kinds of animals.
He glanced at her when Hermione sauntered beside him. "Which do you think is better, an eagle quill or a peacock quill?" he asked.
"In terms of what?"
"Durability, style, weight... all that stuff," he said with a deft shrug. "I figured you'd know something about these things since you study a lot."
Hermione snorted. "Any quill for me will do, honestly," she pointed out. "But... if you're really interested, well, I read that eagle quills are quite durable, but they're plain and a little heavy. Peacock quills" – she grimaced – "I think it's more for aesthetic use than for actual writing." The brunette paused and glanced over at the displayed quills, then smiled upon finding the one she'd been searching for. Her fingertips brushed the soft tip of a black and gold quill and continued. "If you really want a quill with the best quality, I suggest you go for turkey quills. They're very light, so it's useful for speedy note-taking. It doesn't break easily either and they're not too plain like an eagle quill or too gaudy like a peacock quill. It's very costly, though, so there's a con."
She jerked away when James lifted the turkey quill from its stand, keenly inspecting it with bright eyes. "Figures you'd know something about quills and their merits," he said with a teasing grin. "All right, I'll take this. Thanks, Hermione."
She trailed behind him whilst he paid for his purchase.
"Where to next?" he asked.
Hermione lifted her purchases in the air. "I've already bought what I wanted to," she said with a shrug. "Where do you want to go next?"
"Zonko's?"
He guffawed when Hermione made a face. "Fine," she said with an exaggerated sigh. "Since you came with me to Scrivenshaft's."
"Zonko's isn't so bad," he interjected, striding towards the joke shop. "It actually sells nifty stuff. I know most view it as useless, but they don't know how to put the stuff to good use."
"Like using it to pull an elaborate prank?" she pointed out with a snort.
"That and more," he answered, a wide grin on his face. "Come on, I'm sure you've at least found them useful before, Hermione."
She was instantly brought back to the horcrux hunt, and how the Weasley twins' invention of jokes and tricks had come in handy. It was a shame their inventions weren't present yet; Hermione could have really used some Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder or Extendable Ears during this time.
It took a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the burst of multi-coloured light when they entered the joke shop. A bell merrily tinkled above when James pushed the door open. She bit back a smile when his face instantly lit up with wonder and excitement. Although he had considerably mellowed down as the years passed by, and the Marauders' obnoxious, elaborate pranks really had become less frequent, there was no doubt that this was James Potter's favourite shop in the whole town.
As opposed to their small trip to Scrivenshaft's, Hermione kept close to James as he scoured the whole shop. She distastefully eyed the Nose-Biting Cups, having fallen victim to those once when Peter had thought she was being incorrigible. Her eyes widened when James scooped up a handful of Dungbombs and placed them inside a basket.
"I hope you're not going to use those on Sev," she said in a warning tone.
"Of course not," James replied with a laugh. "It's for Filch and Peeves."
"Should I be concerned?" Hermione asked, when James bounded towards the shelf which displayed Frog-Spawn Soap.
"If you steer clear of the second floor next week, then you shouldn't be," he pointed out with a wicked grin, placing stacks and stacks of the joke item inside the basket.
"But you're Head Boy," she exclaimed. "You can't possibly pull off an elaborate prank and set a bad example to your constituents."
James snorted at her words and grabbed a few Sugar Quills. "I won't be there physically, if that worries you," he said, sending a wink her way when Hermione bristled. "Relax, Hermione. This will be a harmless prank, I promise. It's just that we'll be graduating soon and we wanted to leave with a blast. Hogwarts will never forget the Marauders once we graduate."
"You might be seventh years, but you still might get expelled, blimey," she protested.
The Head Boy pulled out his wand and playfully pointed it at Hermione. "If you plan on intervening, I might be forced to Obliviate you," he said seriously, the previously handsome smile on his face now falling into a thin line.
Hermione batted his hand away and harrumphed, striding towards the counter with her head held high. She heard James snickering whilst trailing behind her.
"No one's going to get hurt," he promised, now depositing the contents of his basket on the counter. He lifted his right hand and earnestly stared down at Hermione. "No bullying, no goading people to the brink of their deaths. Marauder's honour and Merlin, that's the highest honour. You know that, Whiskers."
His grin was stretched wide when Hermione rolled her eyes.
When they walked out of the shop, James this time didn't ask for Hermione's suggestion on where they'd go next. Instead, he directed her towards Honeydukes. The whole place was busier than the other two shops they'd visited, students now swarming in and excitedly grabbing onto the new candies boasted inside. Hermione ignored them all and sauntered towards the toffee section and grabbed a few that would last her for at least a month. Her trunk was still bursting from Peter's payment, after it was discovered that Hermione had gotten all 'O's for her OWLs – finally earning a rightful 'O' for DADA, much to her delight.
To her surprise, James also grabbed a handful of toffees and placed them inside a basket filled with assorted sweets. "You like toffees too?" she asked, surprised. As far as she knew, she was the only one who was obsessed with them amongst their group of friends. They usually went for the more popular ones, like Chocolate Frogs and Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.
James' cheeks dusted with pink and he merely gave her a half-hearted shrug.
They paid for their purchases, with Hermione's eyes popping out of their sockets at the amount of galleons James had to pay for his. He had bought that expensive turkey quill and those expensive joke items after all. Hermione's pouch was already getting lighter and lighter as the day passed by, but James never seemed to have the same problem as her.
"Old Pureblood," was his mere explanation upon seeing Hermione's wide eyes.
"Your parents spoil you too much," Hermione tutted.
"They love me," he interjected. "Too much, quite honestly. And besides, our Gringotts vault is constantly restocked, thanks to Dad's Sleekeazy's. It'd be a waste not to spend the galleons now, eh?"
Hermione rolled her eyes this time, once again finding it quite unfair that Harry had never had the luxury his father had during his youth. But then again, maybe if Harry had been raised the same way as James, he'd be a pompous toerag, too. Hermione firmly believed that would have been a disaster.
"Do you still need to buy something?" James asked once they were out in the open. Hermione unconsciously scanned the growing crowd, trying to search for any familiar faces.
When she didn't see any of her friends, she shook her head and looked at James. "I'm all good," she said.
James glanced at his wristwatch and grinned. "Fancy some lunch now?"
Hermione nodded and followed James when he directed them towards the Three Broomsticks. Her eyes roamed around the pub, this time packed with students, but once again, she didn't see any of her friends or even her brother.
The bespectacled wizard chose a large enough booth for them to sit at. While he walked towards Madame Rosmerta to order them drinks, Hermione peeked at the swarming people inside the pub.
She thought it was mighty suspicious when both Lily and Sev bailed on her at the last minute. She was meaning to treat them to celebrate her full 'O's on her OWLs, but they both claimed they had something else to do. She knew Lily would be coming to Hogsmeade today, because she had been relentlessly telling Hermione about this Muggle outfit she bought last summer, swearing she'd definitely wear it on their first Hogsmeade trip.
Still, there was no sign of Lily or Sev, prompting Hermione to sigh.
Just before she turned around, the door of the Three Broomsticks opened and in came Peter with a laughing Mary MacDonald beside him. Hermione ducked behind and strained her ears, observing Peter and his date as they chose a seat on the opposite side of the pub to where she was.
However, curiosity got the best of her, and really, she wanted to know why Peter liked this girl so much. Hermione wanted to know as much as possible, so she could blurt it all out to Anya. Her mother had been pestering them to bring over a girlfriend or boyfriend for years. This would surely delight her mother.
The booth behind them was blessedly empty and Hermione instantly slipped inside it.
"... didn't know you'd been seriously studying for NEWTs!" Mary exclaimed, followed by a lovely laugh that Hermione knew she could never pull off.
"My sister's been bloody persistent, but she means well," Peter sheepishly replied. "She even made colour-coded schedules for me and the others, just so we would take our studies seriously this year."
"As expected from the brightest witch of her age," the Gryffindor witch said, a tinge of awe in her tone. Hermione's cheeks flushed a bit at her golden words.
"That's really what people call her now, isn't it?" her brother asked bemusedly. "But it suits her nonetheless. She's always been the better Pettigrew sibling."
Hermione frowned. Peter still thought that?
"That's not true!" Mary exclaimed with a vehemence Hermione never would have thought the sweet girl possessed. "You're brilliant with – what was that Muggle thing you called again – snailboard?"
"Skateboard?" Peter asked, bemused.
"Yes! That! I bet your sister doesn't know how to use that."
Her brother was roaring with laughter and even though she couldn't see him, she knew his blue eyes would be bright with amusement. "She's pants at that," he revealed. "I tried to teach her one summer, but Hermione doesn't really have decent hand-eye coordination. She's not exactly sporty, you know."
"Insulting you behind your back? Well that's not very nice."
Hermione swivelled around at hearing James' voice. He was grinning down at her while clutching two bottles of butterbeer in his hands.
"Shh," she furiously said, clutching onto his arm and pulling him down beside her.
"Spying on your brother and his date isn't nice either," James pointed out.
Hermione's cheeks flushed, lightly glaring at the amused Gryffindor. "I got curious," she explained in a low voice. "I'm not really friends with Mary, so I'm not sure if she'll take proper care of my brother."
James' eyes softened at the obvious concern in her blue eyes. "Mary's a riot," James said with a comforting smile. "She sits beside Lily and Marlene McKinnon during classes, if it helps. She's very nice too."
She remembered her answer to Peter's claim that his sister was the better Pettigrew sibling and smiled. "I figured," she said with a small nod.
"So, did Mary pass your sibling test?" James teased.
Hermione softly laughed. "With flying colours."
__________
They stayed in the Three Broomsticks for the remaining afternoon talking about endless things. James, like Lily, never seemed to run out of words to say. Hermione listened with rapt attention, replying in the right places, and earnestly laughing when he made a joke.
It was a nice not-date and Hermione reluctantly admitted to herself that spending time with James alone wasn't so bad after all. Her initial nervousness had simmered down into random awkward silences, when James would lean a little closer or accidentally brush his fingers against hers. She believed they were unintended, of course, because James still acted the same, treated her the same as always.
She then froze in surprise when Peter and Mary suddenly stood up from the booth they were at. James looked suspiciously terrified and fully turned his body towards Hermione, to shield her completely from Peter's gaze. She was sure her brother would curse her endlessly for eavesdropping on his date, especially when he seemed to have had so much fun and had let himself loose a bit. Hermione was wildly amused at his stupid flirting, which Mary soaked up like an oasis after travelling through a long, dry desert.
Neither of the two Gryffindors gave them a single glance though, too enraptured in a conversation about something Hermione didn't catch. She slowly peeked above James' shoulder to see if they were finally gone. Once they had stepped out of the pub, Hermione visibly relaxed.
"The coast is clear," she said with a low chuckle.
Hermione made a mistake by glancing up at James' face, discovering that he was now pressed closely to her, his face a hairsbreadth away from hers.
She froze for the second time that day, but for an entirely different reason.
James stared at her with an intensity she'd seen him wear before. His hazel eyes hardened with an unknown emotion, the brown almost engulfing the green. His pink lips were set into a thin, hard line and his jaw was tensed, like he was trying to hold himself back.
But from what?
Hermione felt herself flushing and immediately pushed him away. "They're gone," she breathed out and looked away from his confusing gaze. "Maybe it's time we go back too?"
James didn't move for a few more seconds and Hermione grew worried. Out of the corner of her eyes, she watched as the Head Boy shook himself from whatever reverie he was in and swiftly nodded his head to concur with her.
He slid out of the booth and Hermione followed, trailing uncertainly behind him.
The suffocating tension that had blanketed over them prior to the carriage ride appeared once more. James was walking stiffly, his hands clenched by his side, and Hermione couldn't understand why his mood had suddenly changed.
As the thestral-drawn carriages came into view, Hermione remembered the real reason why she had agreed to come to Hogsmeade with him.
"You said you wanted to tell me something today," she blurted out, slightly desperate to break the tense silence between them. James' footsteps faltered and Hermione took that as a sign to continue. "We're about to leave Hogsmeade and you still haven't told me what it was."
James drew into a full stop and deliberately turned around to look at her. His cheeks were flushed red and there was firm resoluteness in his eyes. "Hermione, I—" He paused, blew a frustrated breath, and ran a hand through his hair. "Godric, this is more difficult than what I originally thought."
She didn't understand why telling her about his new relationship with Lily was hard for him. She would have waited for him to compose himself and to draw courage, but Hermione was inexplicably exhausted all of a sudden. She wanted to go back to her room, lie down on her bed, and to pray for the umpteenth time for these ridiculous feelings for this ridiculous boy to cease.
"You're dating Lily, aren't you?" She said it more matter-of-factly than questioningly, secretly trampling down whatever lump was forming in her throat.
James' hazel eyes widened in surprise before they slowly narrowed in genuine confusion. "Evans?" he asked.
Hermione petulantly tugged the ends of her braid and sighed. "Lily told me she's seeing someone," she elaborated. "And honestly, you two have been acting strange ever since the start of the school year so I figured. It is inevitable, after all. Everyone's been waiting for Lily to crack and to agree to go out with you. Since both of you are Heads and sharing a dormitory, not to mention how you're actually more tolerable to be with nowadays, it was only a matter of time."
Her voice had grown unbelievably quiet as the words tumbled out of her mouth. Hermione hated whatever she was feeling right now, knowing that this wasn't right – Lily and James were supposed to be together. In a few years, they'd be married and they'd have Harry Potter. That was all that really mattered to Hermione.
But then, to her utmost surprise, James expelled a disbelieving laugh. Hermione's eyes snapped back to him in confusion and scowled in silent indignation at being laughed at.
"Where the bloody hell did that conclusion come from?" he asked, his hazel eyes glinting brilliantly under the orange sky.
"What?"
"Hermione, whoever Lily Evans is seeing right now, it's most definitely not me," he explained, the corner of his lips still twitching with obvious amusement. "Lily's old news. Honest."
"What?" she asked once more, now downright confused.
James was suddenly striding towards her, too close, too near, and Hermione took a few steps back. "For someone hailed as the brightest witch of her age, you're mighty obtuse today, Hermione," he cajoled.
Her face flushed red at his teasing. "Excuse me?" she asked in offense.
The Head Boy ran a hand through his hair once more as his face turned splotchy red. "Bloody hell, you're really making me say it out loud, Whiskers," he said with a nervous chuckle. When Hermione blankly stared at him, James expelled a soft sigh. "I've been seeing you in a different light lately, Hermione, and I really, truly want to get to know you better."
Her heart skidded into a brief halt, his words ringing wildly inside her ears. She tried to piece his words together, trying to make sense of whatever he had just told her. Her heartbeat then jumpstarted, its pace harder and stronger, as realisation dawned.
"What?" was all her jumbled brain could come up with.
"Blimey, I like you, Hermione Pettigrew," James implored, almost exasperatedly. "More than a friend. More than Peter's little sister. I like you as... as... you."
Thunderous noises erupted inside her brain and Hermione couldn't properly think. She blindly took a few more steps back, just to let herself breathe properly, but her back soon collided with the railing and she was trapped.
Pathetically, she merely stared at James. She had no idea what expression she was making right now, but judging from James' wounded look, she hazarded it wasn't a pleasant one. "But Lily—"
"There is no Lily," he whispered firmly, his eyes hardening once more with that familiar intensity she now realised was because of her. "For a few months now. There hasn't been any Lily anymore. You're—" He thickly swallowed and turned his gaze away. "You're always in my head, Hermione. Popping up at the weirdest of times and I've tried to brush it off because bloody fucking hell, you're Peter's sister, and Peter will surely kill me if he knows I've been having inappropriate thoughts about his sister and—"
He clamped his mouth tightly, his words registering promptly. James' eyes grew wide in horror and his face turned red for the umpteenth time. "Merlin's ballsacks, I didn't intend to say that," he groaned.
James took a deep shuddering breath and deflated, his hazel eyes turning earnest – resigned even – and gave her a small, handsome smile that always made her breath hitch. "I really like you, Hermione," he continued, calmer this time. "It's mighty insane, I know. But I really do. And – well – judging from your face, I may have fucked things up by confessing."
Hermione tried to come up with something decent to say, to tell him that he surely, surely fucked everything up now that her stupid, unwarranted crush for him wasn't one-sided at all. But, all she managed to say was, "You didn't."
Hope blossomed in his beautiful hazel eyes and Hermione wanted to run away. "But, this isn't right," she insisted, panic now rising and seizing her whole. "Lily will be— I mean— I need... I need some time. To think. Clearly, about all of this."
"Waiting," he said, vigorously nodding his head. "Right, of course, you want me to wait. Better than a blatant no, I guess." And then James was nervously laughing - it was painful to watch.
He managed to cajole her towards the carriage so they could return to Hogwarts. All the way, the journey was painfully awkward and quiet. James insisted on walking her back to the Ravenclaw Tower and Hermione mutely agreed, mechanically walking beside him as he guided her back to her common room.
Hogwarts felt like it was shrinking, the whole castle awfully cramped and claustrophobic, when all Hermione wanted was to run far away from this ridiculous, perplexing, mesmerising boy.
It almost felt like an eternity when they finally reached the Ravenclaw Tower. Hermione had to bite her lip from sobbing in relief. Instead, she mumbled a hasty goodbye to James and climbed inside, not even craning over her shoulder to look back.
Hermione didn't bother changing from her clothes. She plopped down on her bed, drew the curtains, and stared at her canopy. The thunderous noises in her head had now calmed down, replaced by an uncomfortable panic.
This wasn't supposed to happen. She had long accepted that she was attracted to James Potter, but surely it would pass. But for James to confess that he liked her too in that way – for Hermione to realise that Lily was most likely dating somebody else and not James...
Well, she was completely and utterly fucked.
She fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of blood and screams and Dark Marks and red eyes. The red eyes soon morphed into green, and she was staring once more at Harry - her Harry. "Live a happy life, Hermione," he whispered with his crooked smile, reaching forward to let his fingertips graze her cheek.
Green eyes then turned into hazel – eyes that plagued her during the darkest of nights – his lips pink and parted and tempting. "Hermione," he whispered, drawing closer and closer until the softness of James' lips were pressed against hers.
Hermione's eyes snapped open as her hand snaked to her chest and willed her heart to calm down. Dumbly, she stared at the canopy, unable to sleep anymore until sunlight stubbornly broke through her curtains.