BETTINA's POV
Dati, hindi naman ganito. It was just so ordinary seeing him around. Of course I'm completely aware on how attractive he is. I remember saying to myself years back that his only flaw, is his being anti-social.
But despite me placing it under the flaw bar, I can't help but think that it's not a handicap after all. His being introverted is also his greatest feat.
Ang mga tao in general, loves speed and energy and equates it to noise. But I've seen in him that one can be so effective and so efficient without all the brags, the socialization and the parties. He completely rocks being an introvert living in an extroverted axis. The fact that he can do anything, everything.
Pero as days went by, napansin ko rin how this trait grew in me, from a defect, it became the last straw that completed his perfection. Sabi nga ng iba, nakadagdag ng karisma niya ang pagiging suplado. He barely talks, pero once he open his mouth, it's like everything in the planet will be sensible. Exag I know, pero most of the time, ganun talaga. Really part of his charm.
Pero since we're classmates, and I see him, and hear him talk everyday of our lives, hindi ko na lang napapansin. Diba sabi nga diba? If we look into something too close, or too often, it will lose its value. Just like how I pass EDSA everyday, I keep on seeing those billboards that over a few months, I don't notice it anymore. It doesn't have any effect on my anymore than visual pollution.
Just like Jeremy's worth. Hindi ko na talaga napapansin at times dahil palagi naman kaming nagkikita sa classroom. Iba siguro kapag palagi mong kasama. Besides, I've observed he's not that interested with girls. Hindi niya man lang ako tinapunan ng interest before, so I didn't keep my hopes high, and dismissed the thought, na pwede kami. I know he's Mr Perfect, but I didn't think na ma-attract siya akin katulad ng iba.
I've been mocked so many times dahil sabi nila Carly, hindi daw bumenta ang beauty ko sa kanya. Wala naman sa akin yun, kasi ang alam ko wala naman talaga siyang interests sa love life. O kahit sa flirt life. He's an introvert. And I was starting to think that he has this Emotional Deprivation Disorder, someone who's incapable of love.
Pero things happened so fast. Tinanggihan ko lahat ng mga nagyayaya sa akin sa Christmas ball dahil wala naman talaga akong dapat na planong pumunta. I was so busy doing club activities and that scholastic decathlon is completely taking all of my time.
Oh what would they do without me?
It was almost a month ago na when Jeremy asked me to the ball. Well, it's not exactly the sweetest invitation. But it sure gave me an impression. This happened weeks ago...
Masyado akong busy sa pagaayos ng papers sa registration ng Chemistry Club sa scholastic decathlon and as one of the organizers, napakahirap ng ginagawa ko lalo na nung sinabi sa akin ni Homer, na hindi na siya ang delagate ng school sa Chemistry Quiz Bee. What more is, he asked me to sign Jeremy up first because he is not a member of our club yet. Everything was so tedious dahil wala pa naman siyang pinipirmahang registration form.
Nakita ko siya sa gitna ng canteen. Ayaw ko sanang sumingit dahil ang daming nakapaligid na girls as per usual. Pero kailangan ko na talagang makausap siya ng matapos na itong affairs ko sa Chemistry Club.
"Ah Jeremy..."
"Mm?" sumagot naman siya. Pero mukha siyang lost. Hindi ko alam kung sino particularly ang tinititigan niya doon sa mga nakapila na bumibili ng donuts.
"Buti nakita kita! Wala kasi yung sa-" bago ko pa masabi yung tungkol sa interschool quizbee na kinukulit sa akin ni nerdy, pinutol niya yung sinasabi ko.
"OO! Buti nga dumating ka!" medyo malakas na pagkakasabi niya. I was taken a back. Hindi naman kasi siya ganun. He's not usually loud. Napa-stop tuloy ako, lalo na nung lumapit siya sa akin. Sobrang lapit. Tinitigan niya pa ako, na walang katulad sa attention na ibinigay niya sa akin dati o kahit kanino. My earlier theories on him are now going down the drain. He is clearly capable of flirting. Naramdaman ko rin na napansin yun ng mga girls sa paligid. I dunno. I'm used to this kind of attention with other guys, pero my heart skipped a beat.
"Sorry." Sabi niya sa mga girls and I got weak on the knees, dahil he held me on my waist.
"I already asked her out." Of course na-get ko na agad. The girls were asking him out for the Christmas Ball. And it is so foolish of me to still feel so happy na kahit sinabi niya lang yun to get away with the girls, at least ako pa rin naman ang napili niya.
~
After the 'moment' sa canteen nung lunch. Di na siya umalis sa tabi ko. Which is kinatutuwa ko. Pero ang nakakagulo lang sa akin, eh kung serious ba siya sa announcement na sinabi niya kanina. Or ginawa niya lang yun to ditch all those girls.
Hindi ko rin kasi alam why we're here inside a vacant classroom. After sa canteen, he dragged me inside this room. Well, not literally dragged. Kasi... well, okay sumunod ako sa kanya. Wala akong magawa eh. Clueless ako on how fast things had happened. At I felt na I need to be with him.
"Well um, I am serious. Be with me, on the Christmas ball." Sinasabi niya yun habang nakatitig siya sa akin. His eyes look so tired. And that was waaaaay too attractive for me to bear.
Wala na. I didn't get the chance to ask or complain. Kasi kamusta naman, siya na ang nagsabi. Be with me. Kahit sobrang dami ko pang questions na parang ginawa niya lang akong excuse para matanggihan yung mga girls. At least, he said he's serious. And that ako yung pinili niya. No matter how thoughtless his scheme was, I find myself completely okay with it.
"But... are you okay?" Magkatabi kami ng seat. At seryoso lang siya katulad ng dati. Pero ngayon ko lang siya nakasama sa isang room na kaming lang dalawa. Hindi ko naman natanong kung bakit dito kami dumeretso.
"Don't worry about me."
"Eh, bakit ba tayo dito pumunta? Don't you wanna go back? Sa room?" klase na kasi eh. Alam ko matagal ng nagring yung bell so minutes ago pa natapos ang recess. Basically, cutting-classes na kaming dalawa. I wonder anong nangyayari na ngaon sa room. For sure hinahanap na kami.
"You can go ahead. Masakit ulo ko." Mahinang sabi niya.
"Huh?!" Sabi niya kasi okay lang siya tapos biglang may headache pala siya? Why didn't I notice? Kaya pala kanina pa siya nagsi-squint ng mata. "Pumunta tayo ng clinic!" tumayo ako at nag-attempt ako na hilahin siya.
"No. Ayoko munang lumabas dito."
"Bakit?!" anxous na ako eh.
Umiling lang siya. Hindi na siya sumagot. Itinungo niya na lang yung ulo niya sa desk just like a kid. Kung titignan, parang may matindi siyang problema. Pero dahil sabi niya nga, may headache siya. What should I do? Should I just leave? No. Of course not. I can't just leave.
"Uh.." nagulat yata siya. Tumayo kasi ako in an attempt to give him a head massage. Napatigil ako kasi I waited for him to complain, or I somehow expected a shout from him. Sino ba naman ako para hawakan ang ulo niya.
But wala na naman siyang ginawa. If I'm not imagining things, I feel na parang inayos niya pa nga yung position ng head niya para ma-massage ko ng maayos. It was a relief after my bold move. Ayokong isipin pero parang nae-enjoy ko yung ganito. Nakalimutan ko yung guilt feeling na hindi kami bumalik sa klase. Surprisingly, hindi rin ako nangalay kahit I was massaging his head for so many minutes. Even like hours...
"Thanks."
Ako pa yata yung nagulat when he held my hand na nakahawak sa magkabilang side ng head niya. Why is he so suave even in this situation?
"Thank you Bettina... Thanks a lot." Inalis niya na yung kamay ko from his head. And he lead me outside. At parang sinasadya, nagbell na. Suggesting it's lunch already. Grabe, time flew so fast nung kasama ko siya. From then on, needless to say, palagi na siyang nasa tabi ko.
We didn't have a hard time explaining how things came out to be. Wala namang hardcore questions from friends and classmates namin when the news came out na kami ang partners sa Christmas Ball. Nagkaroon lang ng kaunting asaran, but they thought things were just falling into place, na parang ultimately, we are really partners since the beginning.
"Jeremy!!!" pigil ko sa kanya bago kami umuwi.
Actually, muntik ko nang makalimutan yung totoong concern ko kay Jeremy kaya ko siya hinahanap kanina. Masyadong overwhelming kasi ang mga nangyari. Mabuti na lang naalala ko bago pa man ang lahat. Kundi lagot naman ako nito kay ma'am. Pati na rin kay nerdy Homer.
"Yeah?"
"I forgot to mention. You have to fill out these forms." Ibinigay ko sa kanya yung mga forms na kailangan dun sa scholastic decathlon. "and we have to submit it later kahit mamayang gabi kasi deadline na niyan eh. Kahit fill it up lang and ako na ang magbibigay kay ma'am sa house niya. On leave kasi siya ngayon eh. And kailangan niya ng dumiretso doon tomorrow morning so-"
"Easy Betty." Pinatigil niya ako sa haba ng sinasabi ko. Sobrang dami ko namang explanations. Baka kasi hindi siya maniwala eh. That's why I'm trying so hard to explain."
"May practice kami ng basketball today. Can that thing wait?"
"Ah... Sige... Hihintayin kita. Kailangan na kasi nito eh. Kahit gabi na."
"Ako na lang. Just give it to me, ako na magbibigay kay ma'am. You can go home."
"No, maguusap rin kasi kami ni ma'am so kailangan ko ring dumaan. It's okay Jeremy. I'll just wait 'till matapos yung practice niyo, I have nothing to do naman eh. No worries. I just need to get rid of these things para gumaan na ang works ko soon." Tukoy ko sa dami ng dala ko. Sobrang dami ko kasing inaayos na projects and papers and I just wanted to point out na I need to finish the issues about the interschool quiz bee and that I really would wait for him. Besides, meron din akong reason para manood ng basketball practice niya.
Lumapit siya. At nagulat ako sa ginawa niya.
"What are you doing?" di ko na kasi siya napigilan. Kinuha niya na yung mga bag ko. Hindi ko naman sinabi yun para kunin niya yung bag ko.
"No complaints. We'll both go together, later."
Together?
Kanina pa ako napapagisip sa mga ginagamit niyang mga pronouns about us. Oo nababaliw na yata ako. Pati yun naiisip ko recently. Then he went to the locker room. So dahil dala niya yung gamit ko, kahit hindi niya ako tinatawag, sumunod na rin ako doon after a while. At nakita kong naka-jersey siya. Ano bang hindi niya kayang gawin? Syempre parang naging automatic naman, I also went at my locker bay, at kumuha ng face towel. Alam ko yung mga guys paminsan may Oedipus complex. Well, not literally, though. They don't know they need things at kailangan nila ng magaalaga sa kanila. Dahil napansin kong hindi siya kumuha ng towel eh. So paano na siya pag naglaro siya?
Tapos I went back sa may hallway ng locker nila Jeremy. Nadaanan ko pa nga that time yung infamous couple the Zylie girl and kuya Buknoy from 4th year. May something na isinigaw pa nga yung si Zylie pero I didn't really understand dahil masyado akong absorbed sa mga mangyayari at sa kundisyon ni Jeremy. I'm checking kasi kung masakit pa rin yung ulo niya.
I asked them if there are any problems dahil parang may sigawang nagaganap.
"Wala..."Sagot naman niya nun.
"Akala ko kung ano na eh... Tara na Jeremy..."niyaya ko na si Silver Jeremy lumabas dahil mukhang tapos na naman siya and ayoko rin madamay siya if ever may drama yung infamous couple sa locker room.
"Ge, una ka na, may nakalimutan ako." pero pinauna na ako ni Silver nung time na yun. Medyo hesitant ako and a part of me wants to drag him out of the locker area. Hindi ko maintindihan yung feeling pero lumabas na rin ako. Not too long naman nung lumabas na rin siya and together we went down the gym kung saan ang practice.
Those were one of the most noteworthy moments of my life. Lalo na when he's glancing on my direction. Sa dami ng girls na nanonood, I feel so grateful and esteemed. After that he accepted my face towel. Grabe lang. I felt like taking care of him is becoming one of my responsibilities. In. Life.
What happened to us? What is happening to me?
Ilang minutes niya ring na-fill out yung forms and we used his car para pumunta doon sa teacher naming in-charged sa pagfile ng requirements sa scholastic decathlon. After noon, hinatid niya na ako sa house. A thing that was very new to me, since wala namang naghahatid sa akin. I have my own wheels at hindi rin naman ako nagpapahatid to anyone. I live alone and I usually don't need help from anybody.
Tahimik lang kami sa sasakyan. Kung ayaw niyang magsalita, okay lang. Kung ayaw niya akong kausapin. I'm used to it. Everybody's used to it. Basta ako, it feels like this is a perfect moment. I say to myself. Hindi naman siya suplado. Wala siyang attitude. Hindi rin siya masungit. Ganito lang talaga siya. And this is his most genial condition. And I'm just so pleased and contented na to be part of this moment. Yung parang wala lang kami this morning, then in a jiffy, it turned out like this.
"Sige Jeremy. Thank you." sabi ko bago ako bumaba ng sasakyan niya.
"No." pinigilan niya ako. Kinabahan ako.
"No, I should thank you Bettina. And I'm sorry... Thanks for keeping up... with my silence..." No. Grabe. There's nothing difficult about being with him. At sabi ko nga. Naiintindihan ko kung ano siya.
"It's nothing." Then things turned out to be awkward. Nagkaroon kasi ng dead air and nawalan ako ng sasabihin. Parang ang funny na bigla na lang ako lalabas. And hindi ko rin naman alam ang sasabihin ko. Naririnig ko pa nga how fast my heartbeat is. Dahil na rin siguro sa scent niya na I dunno kung nakakaamoy ba ako ng pheromone. Nooo. Ano ba yung naiisip ko. 'Till nakita ko na naman yung sad eyes niya.
"Sure you're okay?" di ko napigilang sabihin. Tumango lang siya.
"Well... Actually, wala naman sa akin yun eh. If you need a company, classmates naman tayo eh. You can just poke me and..." syempre na-awkward naman ako kahit papaano na sabihin ito. "Kahit di ka magsasalita... yun nga... just for you to know, that somebody's here for you... I'm just here..." Shit. What am I talking about? Did I just say that? To him? Oh Jesus... Anong mga sinasabi ko? Nababaliw na ba ako?
"Thanks." Medyo nadissappoint naman ako sa sagot niya. Thanks. Well, uhm. What answer am I expecting ba? Malamang sa malamang sa dami ng pwedeng isagot niya, yun na yung pinaka-agreeable.
I bid goodbye again but to my surprise. Yes, kahit parang nangyari na to kanina, nagsalita na naman siya. Gusto kong mapatawa. Para kasing pinipigilan niya na naman akong bumaba. Parang nakikipagbiruan.
"Wha-at??" natatawang sabi ko, bago ko siya nilingon.
"Are you really... true... to your words?"
"Huh? What? Yung sinabi ko?" feeling ko namula ako. Nag-init kasi yung mukha ko. Kung yung pinatutungkulan niya ba is yung parang confession ko that I'll be at his side na kacorny-han. Nakakahiya naman na kino-confirm niya pa. "Ah... Oo naman nuh." trying so hard not to feel awkward.
Pero bago pa ako nakasagot. Inistart niya na yung ignition at nagdrive na siya. Hindi na ako nagtanong kung saan kami pupunta pero ibinalik ko na lang ang seatbelt.
"So..." Balak ko pa sanang i-endure yung silence. Pero hindi ko napigilan na magsalita. Itatanong ko sana kung may pinagdadaanan siya or something. Panay kasi ang deep breaths niya. Or sighs ba yun? But before I get the chance to ask, opportunely nagsalita din siya.
"Have you ever loved and... lost it..."
"Uhm, what?" Nagulat naman ako. Is this for real? Nago-open siya ng lovelife sa akin? Gusto ko pa nga siyang biruin kung kakantahin niya yung famous S-Club7 song, pero I didn't as it would completely ruin the mood. He's actually trying to open his love life to me. "What do you mean?" I asked again, encouraging him to speak.
"This may be corny and unwarranted and I know this sounds silly of me but-"
"No Jeremy." Putol ko sa kanyang pagiging uneasy. I almost vowed kanina that I will listen to him and stay by his side. "Go ahead. I told you dito lang ako diba?"
"Uhm..." he paused. Maybe he's arranging his thoughts. Or he's releasing his discomfort. "I dunno if it's love or just a memory of my ardent youth. But that time I thought... or perhaps knew I love her. Because back then, She's so fragile... and soft... and everytime, I feel I need to take care of her. And I did. Everytime. Every single time... But she left me in a jiffy... Left me."
Wow. May ganun pala siyang side? She told me everything about Cleo. Ang swerte naman whoever that Cleo Reese. Why did she leave him?
"Pero matagal na yun. I am almost past the stage of forgetting it . Wala na sa akin yun. Alam ko wala na sa akin si Cleo... Coz there's this girl..." He looked at me.
*gulp*
Girl?
"...she's been taking much space on my mind recently. Her voice is my favorite sound... Her name is my favorite noun. Palagi ko siyang nakakasama... Pero I just can't get enough of her... I haven't had much interest with girls, even with people in general after... after Cleo Reese..." tapos humarap siya sa akin with his dreamy eyes "...pero she's an exception."
Oh my God!
Sino ang tinutukoy niya? Sino ba ang mga pinapansin niya lang sa school? Why is he being like this? Ako ba yung tinutukoy niya? I don't wanna assume. Pero bakit ganito.
"But I don't know... I don't know if she likes me as much as I like her... Or she values her friends more than anything else..."
"H-hindi naman siguro!" wah. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako yung sumasagot.
"Really?" tanong niya.
"Oo..."
"But then... Bettina... I saw her again... Cleo..."
What?
"Are you... are you being confused?"
"I don't know... I just want an explanation of this... this sick feeling inside."
*
And then it happened. I thought our Christmas ball will be my fairytale come true. Pero hindi, it was quite the opposite, it turned into my worst nightmare. As much as we've became constant textmates after that night, natuloy rin na kami as partners at the ball. Ako lang rin ang kinakausap niya. Ang binibigyan ng atensyon. As predicted din, nanalo kami na Vander Prince and Princess. I was so happy to the point na iniisip ko na na idiscourage ang thoughts niya about Cleo. I'm gonna confess.
Pero hindi yun ang nangyari. We're left here. I felt humiliated. I don't know how Zylie came into the picture. Pero it all happened right before my eyes.
And I kept up. I tried to ask for vindication why all this has happened. Pero I was taken into disadvantaged. I tried to endure the pain of seeing Jeremy dahil kailangan kong puntahan si Sir Terrence which happened to be his neighborhood. Pero what do I get? I was even blamed?! Blamed for activating such stupid fire alarm.
Why do I have to be used like this? Why? And then I get his message na wag ko na siyang itext? Am I just am dispensible scrap na itatapon na lang dahil wala ng gamit? I tried to ignore. Pero di ko pa rin napigilan ang sarili ko para pumunta kina Jeremy. But he said hindi daw siya ang nagtext nun. I feel I'm being manipulated. Me and my feelings.
'Till Buknoy contacted me. I was about to ignore him, 'till I realize we're on the same boat. Siya nga rin pala yung kasama ni Zylie. Another innocent soul that suffered the same situation as me.
Yeah maybe. Maybe I assumed a lot. But this was too much.
"Hey, how are you?" Buknoy and I are not even close. Pero I felt I needed to ask his condition. Mukha siyang galit. We talked a bit after nung Christmas ball but we were never in speaking terms.
"Eto." May iniaabot siya sa akin. "Telepono yata yan ni Silver. Nahulog nila kanina. Itatapon ko na sana, tsk. Pero ayoko muna kausapin si Zylie. Ayoko na muna makialam sa kanila. I don't want to go to any any of them, kaya pasensya ka na kung sa'yo ko
Gusto ko pa sanang itanong at kamustahin ang nararamdaman niya. Pero mas nakucurious ako kung bakit nasa kanya ang phone ni Jeremy. Then I realized, tama nga si Jeremy kanina, he isn't the one who texted those messages.
"Paanong nasa'yo ito? Answer me?!" anxious na naman ako.
"H-hindi ko alam! Nahulog lang nila yan nung gabi. Magkausap kami ni Zylie dumating yung si Silver. Ibinigay niya yan kay Silver, pero nahulog. Umalis sila, lumayo. Ayoko na silang dunsan. Pero nagmagandang loob na lang akong pulutin yan. Yan na lang ang huling gagawin ko."
"Huh? It means it's Zylie." Zylie texted me using Silver's phone.
"Ano si Zylie? Hindi pa ba obvious na may sila na talaga dati pa?"
"It's not that! That means siya yung nagtext sa akin... at hindi si Jeremy! Hindi nagsisinungaling si Jeremy sa akin nung sinabi niyang hindi siya ang nagtext ng ganun..."
"What?" clueless si Buknoy sa mga sinsabi ko.
"She really wants a piece of me, huh?!"
Without even thinking, I turned Silver's phone on. Hmmm... Ano bang meron dito?
*later*