♔ hurt/comfort ♔
TW: panic attacks, talk of depression, stress, anxiety, and other intense emotional issues.
The tears flowed down John's reddened cheeks. He tried to keep himself silent, but quiet sobs would escape his lips every once in a while. His hands shook as he sent a text message to his best friend.
John: Hey, can you come over?
Jaren: Sure, omw
John was grateful but his friend did not question him. He would not know how to explain this to him, or he'd feel too stupid to. He has never been very good at expressing his emotions in a serious sense, He's used to making jokes about it and pretending that they don't matter. But this time, he couldn't. It was too much.Everything was just so overwhelming.
John began to notice that it was not only his hands that we're shaking, but his entire body. His lips quivered as they begged for him to release sound, any sound, but he refused. He intended to remain silent. The world couldn't know how much he was hurting. He placed his shaking hands over his mouth to silence himself further, holding them tightly in place, trying to will away his sobs. He just wanted to see Jaren. That would make it all better. He just needed him close.
The sodding hadn't stopped by time Jaren arrived. There was a faint knocking on the door that John had just barely heard of the pounding in his head. He tried to force himself up to open the door, but his body wouldn't move. After a minute or two went by, the door opened and Jaren called for him.
"John? Are you here?" He sounded a bit concerned. John tried to speak, but all that escaped his mouth was a broken sob. As soon as Jaren heard him, he hurried over. His face was layered with intense amounts of concern, he had never seen his friends like this. John was always calm and level-headed. He knew how to handle himself. "Hey, John. What's wrong? What's going on?" His voice was soft and nurturing, like a mother speaking to her child. He didn't know what to do oh, but he was going to try his best. For John. John just shook his head as he weeped, trying to hide his face from his friend. The only sound that left John's mouth was the occasional gasps for air. Due to him forcing himself to be silent, he wasn't breathing properly. Jaren's concern grew exponentially.
John was bombarded with a new wave of emotions, overwhelming and even more. The fact that he was having this breakdown at all, mixed with the fact that Jaren was now seeing him have it, made it all the more difficult for him to handle. This ambush of anxieties caused his body to tremor with distress. He tried desperately to speak again, wanting to tell his friend that he was sorry, but it was so hard. He tried desperately to choke down as much air as he could, but to his dismay, it was all released as his body coughed violently. He was winded and left gasping and wheezing for breath. The pain was simply unforgiving, and in his mind, unending. He struggled to pull himself out of this state, to think rationally at all. He just wanted to stop. He wanted it all to stop. Jaren grabbed a hold of his friend, hugging him tightly. Hoping his presence would ground John just continue to sob and shake in his arms, and Jaren felt useless. He wanted to help. He wanted to be there for him, but he didn't know how. He pulled John closer so he was now resting on him and began shushing him gently and whispering sweet words of comfort.
"It's okay, John. I've got you. It's going to be okay. I'm here," He slowly rocked back and forth, trying to sooth the tall brunette in his arms. "I've got you." John behaved as if he couldn't even hear him. His body began to shake with a higher intensity and he started to hyperventilate. At this point he was releasing loud, vocal sobs that ripped from his throat violently. Jaren just held him closer and pulled his face to look at him.
"John, buddy, hey, listen to me. You gotta breathe. C'mon. I've got you. It's okay, baby. It's going to be okay," Jaren hugged him tightly. "I've got you. I've got you, baby. It's going to be okay. Just breathe for me. I need you to breathe." He began shushing him again and repeating "I've got you" to John as they gently rocked.
After a few minutes, the shaking began to slow. He was still sobbing, but he was breathing now, at least far better than he was before. Jaren's heartbroken at the sight of his friend in such distress. John's tears flowed down rapidly. Jaren could tell how dehydrated he was going to be after this, but that wasn't his main focus.
"I'm sorry," John forced out. His voice hoarse and broken. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." These words escaped his lips in broken sobs. He began repeating them over and over.
"No, no, no, honey," Jaren cut in. He was still apologizing. "Baby, no. Don't apologize." He hugged John tighter and shushed him. "Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong." John turned his face, burying it in the smaller man's chest. He released deep sobs and Jaren could feel the dampness of his tears as they bled into his shirt. "I've got you," He whispered lovingly to him as they began rocking again. Jaren just wanted him to be okay.
It has been roughly an hour since Jaren had arrived. John's sobbing had ceased and his breathing had regulated back to normal. At least as normal as it could be in the moment. Jaren's hand gently rubbed John's back in a soothing manner, tracing little patterns and designs into his skin. When John lifted his head, his face was a cherry red and he had dried tear stains trailing down both cheeks. His hair was a mess and his eyes looked dull. Jaren placed his hands on the boy's cheeks, holding his face to look at him.
"Talk to me, John. What's going on?" His voice was hushed and a bit slower than normal. As if he were afraid of scaring him off. John leaned into his palm and kissed it gently.
"I'm sorry you had to see me like that," He apologized and Jaren shook his head.
"No. Don't apologize for this. You never have to apologize to me for expressing your emotions. You're allowed to cry with me. I don't think any less of you, and I never will. You didn't do anything wrong and you don't have to apologize, but I really do wish you would tell me what's wrong." Jaren's eyes caught the dull blue-grey eyes of his best friend. He looked crushed. Jaren's heart ached.
"It just hurts sometimes..." John began. "This constant pressure in my chest, just building up and up until it bursts. I try so hard to ignore the pressure, to push forward and be happy, but it is always there. It's like this monster that is constantly eating away at me, and I don't know how to get rid of it. It's a weight in my chest, in my head, and it just makes me feel so ill," he trailed off in a breathy sigh. "I want it to go away. The constant barrage of questions, am I good enough? Am I making the right decisions? Am I doing the right things? And the truth is, I don't know. I don't know, and I feel like I don't know anything at all. I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I want to be, and everything that I'm supposed to be, that I don't even realize how much stress I am putting on the me right now. I keep on thinking into the future, where everything is different, as if the feelings that I'm going through right now aren't important. And it builds up. It all builds up. It builds up until it bursts." He looked down to the floor, dejected and ashamed.
Jaren leaned forward and rested his forehead on the other's. He breathed in deeply and let it out slow. He then repeated this action once more before lifting his head and redirecting John's attention to his face. The two made eye contact and John could see just how worried Jaren was for him. His lip quivered a bit, but he held back the wave of tears that threatened to fall. He had just stopped crying and he didn't feel like starting up again.
"John, you do not have to be anything that you can't be right now. You are enough, just as yourself. You don't have to keep looking into the future where everything is different to find something good. You are good. You are amazing, John. You are enough, and you are making the best decisions that you can right now. And you're allowed to not know things, you're allowed to not understand. You don't have to understand or know everything that's going on. You will know eventually. You just gotta focus on you right now. Focus on making yourself happy, not the future. Focus on now. What can you do now," Jaren's words soothed the taller man. "And if you ever need anything, I'm here. I've got you."
John looked up to his friend, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. As small droplets of water began to trickle down his cheeks once more, he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss onto Jaren's lips. Jaren was surprised for a moment before returning the kiss. His hands held John's as they kissed. They separated for a moment and John locked eyes with his friend.
"I love you," He wept. "I love you so much." Their lips melded once more, causing Jaren to smile.
"I love you, too, John. So much." John pulled back and looked at his best friend in front of him. Jaren could see how tired looked. The smaller boy stood up and walked off, causing John to be a bit confused. He returned with a tall glass of water and some pain medicine. He handed the cup to John who immediately took a long sip. "This is for the headache," Jaren informed as he handed the pill to John.
"Thank you," He gasped as he pulled back from the water to take the medicine. When he stopped drinking, the cup was nearly empty. Jaren giggled a bit and took the glass.
"Go sit on the couch. I'm going to get you more water and then we can watch a movie or something, yeah?" He asked and John nodded.
"Yeah," Jaren stood up to go do as he said, but John grabbed his arm and looked up at him. "Thank you. For taking care of me." He spoke softly and Jaren smiled down to him.
"Of course," He leaned down and kissed John before going to get him his water.