I suck in a lungful of air and stare at my father's study door.
Since we returned home, I've held back, letting my siblings and mother consume his time. We're finding our new normal, and I'm enjoying every second of it. At night, we eat dinner as a family, and afterward we gather in the front room where he reads us a chapter from his favorite adventure book. He and Rowan discuss hunting and politics, and Salone regales him with all the palace gossip. When the entire house is dark and quiet, the sounds of laughter resound from his and my mother's bedroom as they take some time for themselves.
But the moment that delighted me the most was when he presented Ansley with her first sparring sword. With bright eyes, she secured it to her waist and begged him to spar with her. He did, of course, and she was sure she would be the next general of the king's army by the end of the game.
I'm scheduled to return to the palace in the coming hour, and I need a moment alone with him. As happy as I am to have him home, I also can't shake the sorrow of what his rescue cost me and his soldiers.
The pain on Greer, Ulric, and Terro's faces was gut-wrenching when I told them Kyron stayed in Stigian. They thought the secret, secondary directions he left them were part of his impeccable intuition for battle, and not his way of minimizing the death toll to our forces because he warned Esmeray of our invasion. His betrayal only heightened the loss of their friend, their general, their brother.
And my loss...I would have rather lost a limb, traded my freedom, or never known Kyron at all.
I hope my father can offer me some guidance to soothe my broken heart.
I rap on his door.
"Come in."
My father sits behind his desk, sorting through an endless stack of papers from the military camps. His clothes hang from his frame, but the fullness and coloring are returning to his face. He has cropped his hair, shaped his beard, and can almost pass for his old self. The irritated skin around his neck from his collar is almost healed, and he is the happiest I've ever seen him. He has even taken on some of his old duties as a general.
I sit in the chair across from him and stare at my fingernails. "How are you feeling today?" I ask.
"I'm home with my family; I can't think of anything better." He folds the letter he is reading and places it on his desk, giving me his undivided attention. "How are you feeling, Raelle?"
"Happy, grateful...lost."
"Is there anything in particular you would like to talk about?"
I shift in my seat and take in the minute details of his study. The small wooden dog Rowan whittled with his first pocketknife. The arrangement of flowers my mother hand-picks for him, so he has a bit of the outdoors while cooped inside. The framed declarations of honor for his service to the King's Guard. So many facets to his amazing life.
"Raelle?"
My gaze meets his, and I force a smile, choosing to start with the easier of the two topics I would like to discuss with him. "How does Esmeray keep the Cyffreds who wish to leave? The treaty says they should come and go as they please. Why hasn't the Statera withdrawn its favor from her and stripped her of her rule?"
Folding his hands upon his desk, my father says, "Have I not taught you that nothing is final?"
"You have, Papa. There is always a loophole."
"Correct. She's found her way around the treaty. The Cyffreds who seek to join Stigian must swear their loyalty to the care of the land. During the bonding ceremony, they claim it as their one true home which they will never forsake. The words are poetic, painted with declarations of love and hope. What they don't realize is the moment they declare their intention to leave, they forfeit their freedom, becoming slaves to the land."
The stories of Esmeray's conniving ways are no secret in Lucent. We are taught at a young age that she is a ruler who manipulates to get what she wants. I experienced it firsthand when she tried to use my parah bond with Kyron to lure me to serve her kingdom.
"You didn't take the oath?" I ask.
My father purses his lips and shrugs. "Yes, and no. She rewrote my oath, binding me to the land until her son was returned. A beloved for a beloved. If I were to permanently return home before Kyron returned to her, I would breathe my last breath the moment I stepped on Lucent soil."
"That's why she kept you chained. You could have come home intending to return to her."
He gives a curt nod. "That and she enjoyed putting me on display and attempting to strip me of my dignity. It didn't work. I knew my cause was noble and protecting Kyron was worth it."
I swallow past the emotion building in my throat and move into my next topic. "I have some questions about Kyron, if you don't mind."
"Of course not; go ahead."
"He said you raised him. That you were the only father he ever knew."
My father fidgets in his chair before focusing on a spot across the room. After the trauma he has been through, I don't want to push more than I already have. I trust him to tell me what I need to know when he is ready. I just hope it is enough to leave me satisfied.
He clears his throat and says, "When I found Kyron, I knew who he was. A Stigian child who had siphoned could only belong to one person. Not only that, but he looked so much like Micah at that age. I could have sworn I'd traveled back to our youth. Micah and I knew he would be our upper hand. As long as we kept him here, Esmeray would never truly attack and risk her heir. Micah felt it was best to give Kyron a new start, so while he writhed in pain from withdraws, a Cognus bound all his memories before the moment I found him."
I lean forward and say, "You wanted him to always associate Stigian with the pain and never want to go back, making it impossible for her to get her hands on him because of the treaty."
"Yes. And as an extra measure of protection, he stayed with me at Basecamp. He thrived in the environment—battle tactics, physical endurance, the comradery, he loved it all." My father stands, moves around his desk, and crosses his arms before leaning on the edge in front of me. "I never believed suppressing Kyron's memories changed who he was. In fact, it gave him the opportunity to flourish into the man he was meant to be without unnatural cravings. The man you spent time with—the one who led his soldiers without fear, who would lie down his life for them, and was loyal to our king—that was the real Kyron."
I jump from my seat and throw up my hands. "If all that is true, then how could he turn his back on us? We could have fought and escaped together." I shove my fingers in my hair and massage my aching head. "How did he even find out who he is?"
"I don't know, Raelle. I wasn't privy to the conversations he had with Esmeray, and she never left us unattended. I'd estimate that a month and a half was the first time he visited Stigian. He stormed into the sanctuary demanding to know if it was true...was he her son?"
"A month and a half ago," I whisper.
Kyron would have left straight from Lucent to Stigian. I wrack my brain for every moment we spent together and any change in his behavior. I remember my homecoming party where Borin first voiced his concerns about me and Kyron. Running my fingers over my lips, I recall when I took him to the Omnis. There was the night he found me sneaking into Micah's study to find the journals. We learned I possessed the Eporri, and he is the only known Stigian to overcome the addictive power of the Posseda. The Generals Summit, the armor, and our night in the town square, none of those events fall in line with his betrayal. He was the one who planned the attack on Stigian the night in the tavern. The tavern—the place he gave Leif the key to Micah's study days after he should have.
"He betrayed me before going to Esmeray," I hiss, my resentment toward him blazing to life.
"I know Kyron like I know you and your siblings; whatever he did was part of his ultimate plan. I believe just as I chose to stay in Stigian to keep him safe, he chose to stay in exchange for my life and the promise his parah would leave unharmed."
I scoff. Just hearing the word parah makes me sick.
Kyron and I supposedly share the strongest bond two beings can have. According to others who have found their parah, they knew from the first moment they met the Statera gifted them to each other. He knew we shared an extraordinary bond, and I would have too if the Eporri didn't cause me to react to everyone's gift. I would have known we were meant for one another, and I would have fought for us. But he has no excuse; he threw us away for a crown.
"I don't know if I believe that, Papa. If he wanted to save us by offering himself to Esmeray, then why did she not just let you and me walk out with no fuss?"
"She is a vain creature who never wants to appear weak to her people and enjoys turning everything into a spectacle."
I run my hand over my face and bite my lip to stop it from trembling. "I understand you love Kyron, but he made his choice—took a side. I can't fix what he has done."
"I don't believe that's what he wants. He would wish for you to fight for your kingdom and for his. No matter what it costs him."
"Even if he couldn't see it at the moment, there was another way. He should have let us fight Stigian and let me in on what was going on."
My father releases an exhausted breath and says, "Honor isn't found in the fight, but in the sacrifice."
My entire body goes rigid, and I lift my gaze to his. Not only does my father recognize the pain I feel, but I see his too. What happens from here will leave both of us broken. If his choice plays in my favor, the outcome is killing Kyron. Whether on the battlefield or by trial for the crimes his kingdom commits against the Cyffreds, he will die.
I will lose my parah, and my father will lose a son.
I run the back of my hand over my eyes and my voice cracks as I say, "I hope you are wrong about Kyron because I can't do what is best for Lucent and protect him at the same time. The only way to defeat my enemy is to hate him, Papa."
My father nods, steps closer to me, and sweeps away a tear from my cheek. "I could be wrong, but I know your sacrifice in all of this will be as great as his. If I could carry this burden for you, I would, Raelle."
"I know," I say, stepping into his open arms.
Letting go of the emotions I've fought to smother, I sob into his chest. As I cover him in my tears, the words Borin gently spoke to me whenever I faced a difficult trial sound in my head. Heavy is the crown. If only it wasn't crushing me under its weight.