I make my back to my hotel room and I can barely keep it together. I realise that Harry and I barely discussed last night's events this morning, and I regret not questioning further on why he came to my room. Maybe asking would've given me more clarity. Harry didn't even question me on why I was missing at the end of the show. Did anybody even notice I was gone? It was almost strange how we just totally forgot about everything that had happened as soon as we woke up.
I need to think logically here. Mitch is one person who has one opinion suggesting that Harry may have feelings. Really it's stupid to even give this theory a second thought. If I believed all the random articles published about Harry over the years, he'd be the country's biggest womaniser and playboy, but he's not. I can't just believe everything I hear, and there are no reasons to even mildly suggest Harry may have feelings for me. I mean seriously, just last night he was crying over a song written about his ex girlfriend who he's clearly still in love with.
As much hope as it gives me, believing Mitch's words is simply illogical. I was making great progress at re-learning how to control these feelings, and now is not the time to back track because of one comment that was probably just a joke anyway.
Harry has a show tonight, and I know if I stay here in this room until I need to meet everyone at 4 I'm going to keep thinking about what Mitch said. The pain in my chest that Harry's arms finally managed to rid me of is back, and I'm getting sick of it living in there rent-free. I need a distraction before I let all the emotions take over.
I really should stay here and catch up on some work because I've basically been neglecting all the things that I'm paid to do since we arrived in Sydney. I've practically taken the whole week off to do nothing but obsess over the man that employed me, but I'm way too restless to do work and I need to distract my mind.
Despite the fact I'm supposed to be relaxed after an overpriced 2 hour massage, I'm not, so I decide to go to the gym. When we're at home, Harry and I spend a lot of time working out. We go for runs and hikes, and when we're in the gym Harry will blast One Direction while we train. A few years ago Harry even got me into boxing, so we do that too.
Whilst I reminisce, I change into a matching coloured sports bra to my leggings, chuck on my white Nikes, grab a complimentary bottle of water and my bag, and leave my room hoping that I leave the thoughts of Harry there too.
The gym is all white and very expansive with just about every type of equipment one could want, but the room starts to close in when I spot Harry in the corner. It would be just my luck that Harry is here too, and he's boxing. Just what I was going to do. I was trying to avoid thinking of him by coming here, and now he's here and he's shirtless. Great. His whole body is covered in a thin layer of sweat, his hair is tied up at the top like it always is when he exercises and his muscles appear more every time he punches the bag.
Luckily, Harry comes to my rescue and stops me from staring by spotting me standing in the doorway. I just pray that he doesn't know how long I was standing there for.
'Sophie! Do you want to join?'
'Ohh..uhh..'
'We haven't boxed in ages! Please join!'
'Oh..right, yeah. Okay...sure.' This is not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to come in here and distract myself with each blow to the bag, and now I feel like I'm the bag that keeps getting punched with thoughts of Harry.
I walk over to Harry and he steadies the punching bag, before walking over to his own bag. I follow him over to put down my bag beside his, and grab my gloves. He pulls out a pair of boxing pads and slides his hands into them as he makes his way back to the spot we were just in.
I'm surprised that I haven't broken down already given what Charlotte said earlier today, but I'm impressed with my strength. Maybe now that I'm coming to acceptance and learning to control my emotions, all of this won't be so hard and it can finally go back to normal.
'How was the day with Charlotte?' He asks. What am I supposed to say to that?
'Oh it was..really..good. The massages were relaxing.' Only a half lie, because the actual massage was relaxing for my neck and back.
'That's good. I was just on the punching bag, but we can just go back and forth with the boxing pads?'
'Sure let's do that. I've only got about 45 minutes before I should get back to get ready to leave for tonight.'
'Yeah...was there a reason you weren't with us when we left the show yesterday? I think we should talk about last night.' He carefully says. I knew this question was possibly going to come up if Harry even noticed I was gone, and I know we need to talk through last night, but I didn't plan for this conversation to take place in the gym. Do I avoid the question and ask about why he was crying instead? Do I even want to know the answer? I already know the answer..Camille.
Just before I open my mouth to speak, a girl walks into the gym with a woman who looks to be her mum, and upon spotting Harry, starts running over.
'Harry! Sophie! Oh my god! I love you guys so much, I'm coming to the show tonight!' She's so excited to see Harry, and I can't help but be excited for her.
'Hi! I'm Harry, what's your name? It's lovely to meet you.' Harry is a well trained professional at these encounters now, but he always makes the fan feel so special. He always introduces himself even though they obviously know who he is. I guess it's just that he's so humble, and it's another reason why I adore him.
'My name is Madi..oh my god..I just can't believe I'm actually meeting you!'
'Well Madi, it's so great to meet you too!' I say with a smile. I usually let Harry do the talking when a fan comes up since they're always here for him anyway, but if they know my name I can't help but say something.
'I live out in the country, it's like 3 hours from Sydney so I'm staying here for the next few days to come to your show. Your music has changed my life, and I've been a fan since 2012. I actually just can't believe I'm talking to you right now.' She's gleaming with excitement now.
'Wow! That is so kind of you, thank you!' Harry smiles back. I swear she's about to melt at the sight of shirtless Harry, as am I.
'Can we get a photo?' She asks.
'Of course!' Harry answers. She passes her phone to her mom who has patiently waited beside her the whole interaction, and opens the camera app. We stand in a line, with Harry in the middle. She reaches over to me to pull me closer into the photo, but I just end up pressed closer to Harry. Her hand stays on my bare waist between my leggings and sports bra as we take the photo, and I'm taken aback by how intimate the gesture is. Sometimes I find it surprising how the fans seem to see Harry and everyone surrounding him as a friend, but I admire Harry for being the type of person to come across as so down to earth. He considers all his fans as friends, and they treat each other as such. It hits me how long her arm must be to be able to reach behind both Harry and I, and I'm surprised how she so easily held my waist.
We take the photo and she thanks us again, before leaving to begin her workout. I pray that Madi's appearance distracted Harry enough to forget about his unanswered question about my whereabouts last night.
Harry and I spend the next half an hour going back and forth between boxing gloves and boxing pads. We don't talk much and as I feel myself relaxing, Harry seems to tense up more. I assume it's just focus, and I think this is a much needed workout for the both of us.
By the time I make it back to my room I'm sweaty and sore, but I feel so much more energised and way less worked up. I didn't realise how much I needed to let off steam on the punching bag but now that it's happened, I'm glad.
I've got 45 minutes before I need to be down in the lobby, so I jump into the shower and emerge 15 minutes later. Today I decide to wear a matching white blazer and mini skirt set, with a matching black tight fitted long sleeve and black heels. I curl the ends of my hair, tying it up in a high ponytail, and opt for light makeup again.
Just before I leave my room, I hear my phone ding from inside my bag and instinctively pull it out. It's from Charlotte.
Sure you're just his assistant? ;)
Oh god. Every time I think I can avoid thoughts of Harry, something always happens. Above the message is an attachment - it's a screenshot of a tweet with a photo of Harry and I with the fan from earlier today. At first I don't understand what Charlotte means, until I read the caption.
look where h's hand is! i woke up to this on my timeline and now i'm crying but not in a cool way. care to explain harold? @Harry_Styles
That was Harry's hand? Holy shit. I tell myself this doesn't mean anything..because it doesn't. Harry simply put his hand on my waist to gather us all in close for a photo, didn't he? I'm nearly running late and I don't have time to dwell on this for a second longer, nor is it worth another thought.
I run into Charlotte and Sarah whilst in the elevator on my way down to the lobby, and I greet them both with a friendly smile. It's just the three of us in here, and in typical Charlotte fashion, she starts questioning me on that photo. God, can I just avoid these non professional Harry questions for 10 seconds?
'So..what happened in the gym?' She winks.
'The gym?! Sophie!' Sarah says in shock.
'No! Harry just had his hand on my waist in a photo we took with a fan in the gym. I didn't even notice until I saw a tweet with the photo..it means nothing, just a one off. Charlotte just seems to think it's a sign Harry and I are destined for love.' I answer. I can tell Charlotte is holding in laughter.
'What? What is it?!' I ask, half amused but half suddenly stressed.
'Harry does that in every photo, I swear. Doesn't he, Sarah? Are you so blind to everything he does like that?!' Charlotte is only teasing but this conversation means a lot more to me that she knows and I'm not sure how much more I can take before I give it away.
'Oh..well, um..I don't know.' Sarah says. I can tell she's trying to stay out of the middle of this little feud, and I appreciate her kind nature.
'Don't be so nice now Sarah, you even joined in on the bet! Mitch and I are both certain he's got a thing for her.' The small elevator space is getting smaller, and I can feel my cheeks starting to go red.
I know this 'bet' isn't serious and this new running joke about me and Harry is just that, a joke, but the thought of anything happening is too much for me to even imagine anymore. I thought I was dealing with these feelings, but really I'm just ignoring them and leaving them to fall off the shelf and spill all over the floor some other time. I desperately need to sort out how to move past this, because if this new joke continues, I can't let Charlotte's words get the best of me every time. It's only going to lead to more of a broken heart when Harry starts dating someone.
After what seems like forever, the elevator doors start opening and Harry and the rest of his band and team appear behind the door. Tonight, Harry is wearing a peach coloured suit with a white shirt underneath. I picked this suit out from the racks of options, and I love the fact he's wearing it more than I should. He looks great as usual, but he seemed stressed. I assumed his tense behaviour in the gym earlier was just focus, but now I'm not sure. He's running his hand through his hair and staring at the ground deep in thought. I start walking over to him, but before I make it there, Claire, a member of Harry's team, rushes us all out to the car.
Like every night at every hotel, fans line the sidewalk as we walk out. I somehow manage to find myself at Harry's side, and we smile and wave for the fans as though nothing is wrong. When we make it to the car, Harry is fiddling with the edge of his suit in his seat.
'Is everything alright? You seem stressed..is there anything I can do?' I ask. Harry doesn't get stressed much, but when he does, it's usually over something pretty big. He doesn't answer immediately, so I wait for a response, but one doesn't come. What is going on with Harry? Have I been so wrapped up in myself that I've forgotten something big happening tonight and Harry is nervous? I run through Harry's calendar in my head, but nothing comes to mind. Maybe he's thinking about last night and what happened when he sung Fine Line. I think that must be it, he must be worried about what happened last night. Maybe he doesn't want it to happen again. I hate the fact that I can't do anything to make it better, as well as the fact that all of Harry's behaviour last night was due to his love for Camille.
'It's going to be okay.' I say, quiet enough for only Harry to hear. I'm not really sure why I say it because I don't know if it's going to be okay, but I'll try anything at this point. I place my hand on his fiddling ones and they stop their fiddling. His body is tense beside me, and it relaxes slightly at my touch. Maybe he just needed someone to take him out of his trance. Although I don't think anything I ever say will be able to take away his pain for a girl that he's so clearly in love with still, the least I can do is try.