"how are you doing?" liam asks. "i'm fine." i cross my arms. he gives me a look as if he's trying to figure out if i'm lying or not. "i feel like you're actually fine today." he puts his pen down. "i am... that's why i said i'm fine." the sarcasm jumps out. "well you like to lie about how you're feeling all the time so excuse me." he matches my sarcasm. "okay, ouch." i sit back in my chair.
"what happened since we last talked?" he asks. "nothing really, same old same old." i sit there. he squints at me and i try not to smile. "why do you have to lie? why can't you just tell me?" he sighs. "because i know you're going to call my bluff and ask me anyways."
"it's kind of annoying to me." liam leans in. "oh, sorry..." i get quiet. i even annoy my own therapist. "well something did happen, my dad told me to give parker a chance and i did. you can say we made up and he's back in my life kinda."
"how do you feel about that?" he asks like always. i take a second. "i'm not sure... i mean i haven't thought about it... i-i guess i'm happy? not happy but i'm glad we're on good terms. things are okay but i feel like mason might not like having him around so much."
"what makes you feel that way?" liam plays with his pen.
i mean it's obvious. if my girlfriends ex boyfriend and father of her daughter started coming around more i'd feel some type of way too.
"he hasn't said anything. in fact he's glad parker is around maddy now. there's just that obvious tension. i've liked both of them and they don't like each other but i'm trying not to make everything about me. it's just a weird situation." i sit back in my chair. liam nods his head. "you're right, it is a weird situation but don't be so hard on yourself. remember this is all new to you, you're learning as you go."
i take in what he's telling me for once. just relax. that's all i have to do, just take everything one day at a time. "what about you liam? how are you?" i ask him. "we are not talking about me right now." he finally puts his pen down for once. "why not? we only have like five minutes left. how's your girlfriend?" i get excited. i hated talking about myself.
"we broke up, thanks." i actually gasp. why do i always have to do this? why do i speak? "oh my god i'm sorry, what happened? you know what, forget i asked! see you next time." i tried to save myself. he just laughs. "relax it's fine, i broke up with her." i gasp again. "why? did she take it well?" i get interested again. "i woke up to my tv in the living room smashed, she just wasn't the one for me."
i accidentally laugh. "she smashed your tv? holy shit." i feel bad. liam's actually a cool guy when he's not acting like my therapist. "yeah it sucks, i was in the middle of watching breaking bad." he makes me laugh. "you're always free to finish your show at my house." i joke. "no thank you." we both get up and say goodbye.
another successful therapy session... i think. i always felt weird after therapy. i don't know what it is... i just felt numb. it's been a long time since i actually felt sane.
i definitely couldn't believe i'm twenty now. i always thought twenty year old me would be partying, traveling, studying abroad and living my life with my besties but in reality, twenty year old me lives with her dad, has a whole child and developed mental illnesses.
not to mention i am not traveling or studying abroad. at least i had my internship.
something was missing though, deep down. it was something inside of me that i feel like i can't fix. it feels like a huge part of me has been replaced with this feeling of emptiness and i'm not sure if liam can fix it.
my phone chimes and i look at the text. it's from parker. parker. as i stand in the lobby i start to remember.
"why are you here?" his mother greets me rudely. "i-i just want to talk to him." i already feel like crying. "you aren't allowed to see him." her tone makes me feel small. "mom who are you- oh... hey." parker stands beside her. "i need to talk to you." i look at him, disregarding what his mom said. "okay let me-" his mom pushes him back. "no you are not allowed to talk to this slut." i'm thrown back by her words. "mom!" parker says staring at me. "did you just call me a slut?" i've never felt this disrespected before. "well you are, you just had to open your legs and seduce my son and now look at you. pregnant! you've got another thing coming if you think my son is going to be a father at eighteen. he's going to graduate, go to an ivy league school just like his sister and he will be successful. we will not have little sluts like you trying to trap our son." his mothers words stung more than anything. i look at him as tears fell down my eyes, hoping he would defend me. but he didn't. "mom that wasn't necessary! just go back in the house." that was all he said. and i've never felt so horrible and disgusted with myself. i hated myself. "i hope you know that this isn't just my fault! your son was the one that fucked me! it takes two people to have sex!" i scream about to have a breakdown. "bri calm down, let's talk." he tries to walk up to me. "no fuck you! i fucking hate you! you didn't even defend me! fuck you and your mom, i don't need any of you, i'm going to raise my baby without you pieces of shit! i don't want anything from any of you!" i run back to my car and i drive away as fast as i could."
memories. no matter how many coping mechanisms i could try they will never help mask the pain i still feel when i remember them. i've been through so much at the age of seventeen, no seventeen year old should have to go through.
some might say that it made me stronger. i say that it tore me apart.
this is the weakest i've ever felt.
my phone chimes again and i take a deep breath and exhale. relax that was the past, no need to react. i text him back and walk to the parking lot to my car. i get in and i immediately start crying. this became apart of my daily routine and it was quite exhausting. trust me, if i could stop i definitely would've a long time ago.
after a few minutes, i wipe my face and put on my sunglasses then start to drive to the restaurant i was meeting parker at.
☀︎☀︎☀︎
"hey are you okay?" he says as soon as i take off my sunglasses. "oh god don't ask me that." i laugh to try and play it off. "okay sorry... thank you for having breakfast with me." he looks sympathetic. "sure." i pick up the menu and look through it. i could use some waffles right now with strawberries and whipped cream and lots of syrup. i put the menu down and he does the same.
"so how have you been? did you get into that ivy league school just like your sister?" i say with a hint of unexpected bitterness. he forces a laugh. "not quite, i left that to her. i'm at northwest university right now." he replied civily. "oh, do you still want to be a lawyer?" i ask. he smiles. "yes i do." i just nod.
"what about you?" i fidget with my fingers under the table. "i'm at uni of washington." i smile a little. being able to still go to college was such an accomplishment for me given the circumstances. "do you still want to be a pediatrician?" he looked at me smiling. "yes. i have an internship at seattles children's hospital right now." i hope i'm not bragging.
"that's amazing bri!" his smile is too big. i play it off like it's no big deal. "thanks." i just sit there.
the waitress comes by and takes our orders. he orders the same thing as me. "copycat." i say as she walks away. "hey you know waffles were our food." parker says as a joke but i feel weird. i just sit there. there's a moment of silence and i don't even know what to say. "can you tell me something so i can understand?" he says catching my attention. "what?" i look at the waitress as she comes to bring our drinks. we thank her and i automatically take a sip. "i want to know how was it for you? how was it after i left you?"
i stop sipping and put my iced tea down. i think i'm going to need some wine.
i'm turning into my mother.
"are we having this conversation now?" i look around. could i even have this conversation without crying? i hope i don't. "i just want to know what i did to you." he looks so sad.
motherfucker you ruined me.
i pause for a second. i'm not going to cry. i'm stronger than that. "well it was horrible. i was on my own. i felt so alone... i know it's hypocritical of me for saying this but i felt so horrible that i actually thought of having an abortion. but i quickly realized that i could never do that, there was no way that i was going to give up just like that. i was going to live for my baby even if it meant doing it alone. you really broke me parker. i didn't know what to do. i was all alone. you hated me, your parents hated me, my mom and my brother hated me and my friends were supportive but i knew they were worried for me." i tell it how it was.
"i wouldn't wish the feelings that i felt and still feel to this day on my worst enemy. it's been hard but i've just been taking things everyday at a time." i sigh.
i think i left him speechless. he was staring at the menu for a good minute. "i am so sorry brianna. i truly didn't mean to hurt you like this. i-i don't even know what to say. i don't know what i can do to make everything alright for you."
"i'm fine, just be there for maddy. she really loves you, she's so happy when she's with you." i smile thinking about her. "as long as you let me, i'll be there whenever." he says and i faintly smile. the waitress then comes once more with our food.
"wow that looks so good." my mouth waters just looking at it. "i know." parker thanks her as she leaves.
we start eating and i feel like asking him something. "h-how was it for you? when you left?" i'm not sure why i asked or what his answer was going to be.
"i was scared. i didn't know what to do. i knew my parents were going to kill me. i knew i was going to be the family disappointment. i knew i was going to be compared to my older sister who's doing so much better than me. we were so young. it took me a while to realize where i went wrong but as soon as i did, i grew up. i felt like absolute shit when my mother would tell you things and most of all i felt like shit the second i let you go. i can't believe i did that."
we were silent.
"at that point i guess you can say i became obsessed trying to get back with you... you know. i just couldn't stand seeing you have to go through everything by yourself. but i was too late, mason took my spot and it was obvious you didn't want nothing to do with me so i stopped. it killed me to think that because i freaked out, i would miss out on a once in a lifetime experience... being with the love of my life and getting ready to raise a kid... our kid."
love of my life...
there's always two sides of the story. i never thought about what his side was like for him. in a way i feel bad. we were young, what did i expect? for him to stay even though he promised?