"Are you sure he didn't cheat on you?" Jeremy asks me as I make coffee for everyone in the morning.
My family had seen the news, so no one was really surprised when I showed up. But I didn't come out of my room for the rest of the day, or even at night to eat. I don't remember the last time I cried so much, but my eyes were pretty much swollen this morning.
It felt weird staying here after more than three months of my marriage. I haven't come back once to stay, which has been the longest in my entire life. Even when I was staying at the dorms, I managed to come back home at least once.
"For the fifth and last time, he didn't cheat." I snap at my brother, and he gives me a look, making me sigh. "Sorry."
He nods in understanding before coming to give me a side hug as I pour him a cup. "I just want to be there, you know?"
"I know, Jer." I mess up his hair, smiling a little because I've missed spending time with him. "When are you supposed to leave for New York?"
He grins at my question but doesn't answer, taking the coffee while I carry rest of the two cups to the kitchen island where my father's reading the newspaper and my mother's staring at the two of us. I pass them the cup and her eyes shift to me as she stares at me with worry.
"What happened, Lil?" She asks and I sigh, looking at my father to rescue me from this but he just gives my mom a look. "What? I'm just concerned for my daughter."
"You've got to be kidding me." My father curses under his breath, his eyes on the paper and I take it from his hand and spread it on the island to look at it.
Fuck. There's a photo of James and I standing by my car as I offer him the key. It's outside Caleb and Austin's apartment and I actually look pretty pissed in the photograph. I had absolutely no idea when it was taken, because obviously the person who took this didn't want to make us aware.
There's another where we're in the car and I'm facing the window and the same photos that were on broadcast yesterday of Amy and him. The headline is pretty much what I expected it to be, "Did Clark Enterprise's CEO cheat on his wife?"
"He didn't cheat." I repeat it like a mantra, rubbing my temples. "Since when are they so damn interested in his personal life?"
"You know the media would do anything to keep the audience entertained." Dad tells me as he gives my shoulder a light squeeze. "I know you're saying he didn't cheat, Lil. But if you don't want to go back, you don't have to."
"Ever?" I gape at him and he sighs, nodding.
"Yes, ever." His eyes flicker to Jeremy who's frowning at us because he has never known the deal between Carrack and our father. "Jer..."
I shake my head, "Dad, don't. I can't handle this on top of everything, please."
He would flip out, real bad. There's no way in hell Jeremy would ever take it lightly because he's super protective of me. So Dad nods, making me feel relieved but my brother scowls at us.
"What's going on? Is there something I should know about?"
"No, nothing. Promise." I smile at him and he doesn't believe me for a second but lets it slip. "So, New York?"
"A couple of weeks, at most." He grins. "I've already got an apartment."
"That's amazing!" I smile at him, "Are you excited?"
He nods, telling me about how Joan got into NYU, so they're basically planning to move in together. My parents seem cool with it, I mean, they've never really objected us for anything to begin with. It was my decision to not move states because I wanted to stay here, they always told me to broaden my area of interest.
After a while he goes upto his room and I turn to my parents, looking at my father. "What did you mean by ever?"
"I know this doesn't fix anything, but you don't have to stay married to a man if he's being unfaithful to you."
I want to scoff at his words, knowing that they married me off to a complete stranger. "What about the deal?"
My father's face fills with guilt, mirroring my mother's. "We're aware of what happened, Lil. I was too much in my damn head and vulnerable about the company. I hurried the decision of getting you married for the sake of business and I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn't have ever done that."
His words make my already hurting heart ache a little more as I stare at him, because I never imagined myself having this conversation with them. My father looks apologetic but I shake my head.
"It's okay, Dad. You don't have to apologise. I don't regret it, you know? I love him, and it took some time, but he does too."
When James told me he loves me, it took me some time to wrap my head around that information, but he was right. His actions have been a proof of his words, if we were to keep the recent events aside. Yesterday, I wallowed. Today, I'm introspecting. Because I can't stay here forever.
"We know, sweets. It reflects in both of your actions." Mom gives me a small smile. "But in case you ever want to leave, don't stay on the account of why it began, alright? There isn't any pressure from us. We can find more investors, we'll manage. But your happiness is our priority, as it should've been."
I hear them, I really do but I can't imagine how my life would've been had I not married to James. The thought is painful, knowing that I wouldn't have ever had the chance of knowing him like I do, to love him and get the opportunity to explore his flaws and embrace them with him as he helps me do the same. I can't imagine not growing into a relationship with him.
As much as it bothers me that I got married so young, I still wouldn't change a thing about my life. Except maybe, I would really lessen the pain I feel every time James crosses my mind. But isn't the pain directly related to how strongly I feel for him? Because if it's any proof, I'm more than crazy about him.
"Thank you for saying that, I'll keep it in mind." I give them a small smile before getting up and going upstairs to my room.
I left my phone and car keys back at the apartment, still switched off. It was an honest mistake to forget the phone but I didn't want to go back, and maybe this was the much necessary break I needed. I got myself a taxi to come here, because it just didn't feel right to use the car he had gifted me on my birthday.
James's thoughts are constantly present in my head as my heart continues to ache. This isn't a familiar feeling, but it's settling in since past two days. I can't believe that just day before yesterday we were being rebellious in his office, and now I'm lying in my childhood bedroom with swollen eyes.
There's a huge part of me that wanted to run back to him last night, knowing that he was in pain, but I cannot do that to us. It might be a temporary fix which will come back to bite us in the ass later, so I'd much rather take my time, give him his much needed space before striking the much needed conversation we both needed to have.
My bedroom here was pretty simple with a queen sized bed, white walls and dark brown furniture that included night stands and a dressing table. I decide to take a peaceful shower as I pull out my clothes from the bag and sigh. A part of me that's absolutely crazy about the man is craving his presence constantly because this is the longest we've ever gone without resolving an issue.
Mom calls me for lunch as I borrow Jeremy's laptop to do some of the internship work for a while. The day goes on by receiving sympathy looks from my parents as I barely consume food, my thoughts and emotions killing my appetite. There's so much I want to talk about with James, but with a calm and clear mind.
I always believed that vulnerability clouds our judgement, but it also makes us self-aware, drawing us to the core of our reality that we might be too afraid to face otherwise.
"Do you want to go get some ice cream?" Jeremy pops his head through the door in the evening when I'm just finishing up a report.
I think about it for a second, "Is Joan coming?"
"Of course." He rolls his eyes and I nod, getting out of the chair and closing the laptop. "Aren't you going to change?"
I look down at my clothes to see the yoga pants I changed into after taking a shower and a loose t-shirt that actually belongs to James. I packed it in my clothes because his clothes smells like him, and I just couldn't stop myself from keeping it.
Yesterday when I was bawling my eyes out, I was hugging this t-shirt to me because I couldn't really hug the person to whom it belonged. Sighing, I shake my head at Jeremy who nods at me.
When we get outside in the driveway, Joan immediately rushes to give me a hug, "He's a dickhead."
I can't help the laugh that leaves me. It's always amusing to see people talk about James like that, because he's so damn intimidating that I've never seen anyone stand up to him. Well, maybe except when I do it or Caleb did yesterday.
"He's really not, Jo. I'm just taking a break for myself." I tell her honestly and she pouts at me. "C'mon now, let's go get some ice cream."
She smiles and Jeremy gets in the passenger seat of the car the two of us used to share before my marriage and I get in the backseat while Joan takes the passenger. They play some pop music and it reminds me of how James and I almost always listen to classics.
When we reach the ice cream parlour, I stay mostly in my head, like I normally do. Jeremy and I take a booth while Joan goes to place the order.
"You do know that your eyes are damn swollen, right?" My brother points out the obvious, receiving a look from me that amuses him a little. "I have never seen you so bothered by another human. At some point or the other, you've always kept to yourself, giving no fucks."
His words make me smile as I shake my head, "James isn't just any human."
"I think everyone can see that, but even then it's just very weird, surprising and mostly new to see my elder sister be in love with a man and be this upset over an argument, because he clearly didn't cheat."
I don't miss the way he says the last part, making me groan a little as Joan comes back with a tray with three cups of ice creams. I ordered cookie crumbs for myself while Jeremy got himself black current and Joan got mango.
After taking a bite, I turn to my brother to respond to him, "James and I had a fight, but don't buy into media's antics, please. I would at least expect my family to believe me, and if he had really cheated, I wouldn't be out here having ice cream."
Joan glares at Jeremy at my words, "Leave her alone, would you? You've got to stop repeating one thing."
"She's my sister." He gapes at her which earns him a dirty look from both of us. "Fuck, fine. Can I at least glare at him the next time I see him?"
"No." I object, focusing on the ice cream. "When I go back, I want things to be normal. There shouldn't be a need to hold onto this for long after we're done resolving it."
Both of them nod in understanding and we spend the next hour at the parlour hanging out before heading back home. Joan stays for dinner and I have some rice but head to bed early. I know tomorrow isn't going to be easy, there's a huge chance of running into him at office just in the morning or while leaving. Except that, I hope he doesn't try to reach me because I'm not sure how will I cope with that.
In the morning, I pull out my formals that I packed and iron my clothes before taking a shower. After I'm done getting ready, I head downstairs to have a glass of milk before leaving.
"Morning, Lil." Dad greets me, sitting at the kitchen island all dressed up for the day. "Sleep well?"
"Yes," I lie, knowing that my sleep isn't going to be peaceful until I go back home. It feels weird to not call this my house home anymore, but it's the truth. "Coffee?"
He nods, giving me a smile as I prepare three cups, aware that Mom and Jeremy would be down any second. Just on cue, my brother walks in the kitchen rubbing his eyes.
"Why are you ready so early in the morning?" He asks me, yawning and I roll my eyes.
This morning I felt a little better, my heart felt a little lighter after I spent couple of hours last night trying to sort out my thoughts, focusing on my feelings. I feel absolutely disgusted with Chloe, about her actions, how she could think I would be an easy target for Richard. I'm angry, so damn pissed at the man for what he did to me, how he made me feel and uncomfortable in my own body.
My heart's overwhelmed with the pain for the man I love, knowing how betrayed he felt by someone he considered family. I felt disappointed in him for the behaviour he indulged in recently but it also ached for his presence. There was a need in me to be with him and show him how much I love him, because that's how I feel, I love him and it hurts, but I know we're going to make through this.
"I have internship, remember? Life doesn't stop just because you're fighting with your husband," I say, getting looks from my parents which makes me want to glare at them but I don't.
"At what time do you get back from office?" Mom asks, pouring me a glass of milk as she moves to do the same for coffee for others.
"Six-ish. Regular office time, it's full time work." I inform and she nods. I turn to my brother. "I'm taking the car."
"No, you aren't." He shoots me a look. "What if I need it when you're gone?"
God, I can't help but smile a little because I've missed bickering with him over petty things. "Then you should convince Dad to let you take the other one."
"You know that's not happening, kid." My father sips on his coffee, clearly amused and I laugh at my brother.
"Why can't you take the other car, Lil? This isn't fair." He groans, taking the coffee from Mom.
"I like that car, technically it's supposed to be mine, you know? I just let you share it when I was here." I remind him, earning a glare which only adds to everyone's amusement. "Calm down, I'll take the other one. That's fine, right?"
I ask my father who gives me a look which says that I don't even need to ask as he nods, making me shrug. I drink the milk before picking up my bag, cursing a little when I realise that I don't have my laptop for the day. We usually work on the work desktop but sometimes I'm more comfortable doing stuff on my laptop since I've got more hang of it.
"Alright, I'm out, have a good day." I kiss my father's cheeks and do the same with my mom, moving to ruffle Jeremy's hair who moves to pinch my side but I slide out before he can, laughing.
This morning makes me realise how much I've missed my family. I take the car keys from the key stand in the living room before moving to the garage. It's Audi Q3 SUV, and the reason I was hesitant to take this was because I'm not a fan of driving SUV cars, and Dad doesn't let Jeremy drive it because he's "too young" to be driving it around.
When I reach the office, my nerves have perked up because I'm not really ready to face the day. I sit in the car for two minutes, practicing deep breathing as I get myself together before getting out.
Even before I step in the building, I feel eyes on myself. If before this weekend people didn't know that I'm Lillian Clark, they sure do now! I can hear the whispers behind my back as I make my way to the tenth floor. Warren gives me a warm smile like every morning, no hint of sympathy on his face which feels like a breath of fresh air this early morning.
When I get to my desk, I can feel my nerves clogging up my thoughts which makes me groan as I sit down. Yash joins five minutes later and gives me a look.
"Are you okay?" He asks and I know what that question means so I give him a look.
"He didn't cheat!" I whisper-yell, making his eyes widen as he looks taken aback, nodding. "I'm sorry, but media really fucked this up! He didn't cheat, man. This is too shitty."
"You know we're allowed to take two days off a month, right?" He offers and I shake my head, feeling a particular pair of eyes on me.
When I look up, the blonde is staring at me with a smirk on her face, as if she's happy about how miserable I'm feeling right now. She gives me a taunting grin before going to her desk which makes me gape at her.
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Just ignore her, they'll stop after a while." He assures me and I give him a thankful smile for not stretching the topic. "Did you finish the report David gave?"
I nod, opening up my email in the desktop as I download the file. "Did you?"
"Yup. Here, I'll just mail it to you."
We spend the next hour going through each other's files and contributing to the feedback. I've realised that Yash and I work well together, we point out mistakes and help each other get the work done right. I'm glad when Elena acts nonchalant about the news and gives no indication that she even read it, even though I'm sure she did.
She assigns us a task, telling us that we've got to move forward with the training as it will end soon and we have to start indulging in real work. David and her seem to be in sync so both Yash and I do different report analysis. Work provides a beautiful distraction to me as I get busy with it and try my best to avoid people's pity looks that they throw my way.
I hate people, I hate society and this is why I don't have people skills. They pretend to assume everything just by a piece of gossip. There has to be a way to get rid of the looks I'm receiving. By the time it's time for lunch, my body already feels so exhausted, which makes me realise that I haven't been eating properly and I can feel the energy draining from my body.
"Let's not go to the lounge room today, alright?" Yash offers, making me give him an appreciative smile. He pulls me into a side hug, sliding his arm around my shoulder which makes me sigh. "If someone says shit, I'll personally punch them. Promise. But I'm here if you want to talk about it."
"Thanks, Yash. I really appreciate it." I tell him honestly because he's been the only one who has tried to keep things as normal as possible around me, and I really need that.
We go to the break room and I pull out the sandwich my mother packed for me. I'm just about to take a bite when I hear a snicker behind me and I turn around to see the blonde standing with a man in a suit that I know works with her in accounting. Both of them are smirking at me and I gulp, putting down my food.
Yash is about to stand, looking a little annoyed when I shake my head at him, turning to the two people myself. "Can I help you?"
The blonde looks a little surprised at my confrontation because I've been avoiding her for a week now, however the man is still smirking at me. I stand up, moving to stand in front of them as I stare at the two of them.
"C'mon, tell me. What's so funny?" I cross my arms across my chest as I wait for a response.
"Nothing, actually. She was just telling me karma's a sweet bitch. You take a position you don't deserve professionally, and karma messes your life personally." The man gives me a smug look and I process his words, eventually scoffing.
"That's right, isn't it? You snicker at a woman behind her back without knowing the facts, and next you know you're fired because her husband owns the company, which I actually haven't made use of till now, but I won't hesitate actually putting that power to use. Sounds fun, actually." I muster up the most fake smile at them, making the blonde go a little pale.
"You're a real bitch, aren't you? First you take up a position that could've easily been her brother's, next you're threatening to get us fired by your husband who cheated on you?"
That does it, that really does push my last nerve as I unfold my arms and take a step towards the man, looking him in the eyes.
"First, I got this position under the name Vince, so if her brother really was capable, who I'm married to wouldn't have mattered. So really, stop being a suck-up because you want in her pants. Unlike her, I don't need a man to win my battles." I glare at him, my anger burning up from all these shitty people and accusations. His lips part a little as he gives a side-way glance to the woman. "Secondly, I don't really have to say this, but I will to shut the whole lot of you up. Pass on the message, he didn't fucking cheat. All you've got real guts gossiping about the man who pays your salary. Trust me, there are people out there dying to get a job here, so he wouldn't think twice before firing your ass."
With that, I storm out of the room, aware that everyone present heard me. I don't give a fuck about this now, I don't care what people think of me if I can't take a stand for myself. There had to be a day to put a stop to all this. Yash doesn't follow me and I'm glad because I want to calm down.
When I reach the desk, a short woman with black hair is setting down some stuff there and I frown. She startles a little when she sees me, a nervous laugh escaping her.
"Mrs. Clark." She gives me a small smile. "I was just leaving your stuff here because you were nowhere in sight."
"I'm sorry, do I know you?" I scowl at her, trying to place those brown eyes somewhere in my head but I can't.
"Oh, god. This is embarrassing. I should've introduced myself. I'm Eve, Mr. Clark's new assistant."
"Come again?" I stare at her in shock, thinking I heard something wrong.
"Eve, Mr. Clark's new assistant."
"Oh." I continue to stare at her, still processing the new information as I look down at my laptop bag set on the table along with a box that held the key to my birthday present the first time. Composing myself, I look up and give her a small smile. "Thanks."
She returns the smile, and turns around to leave when I call her out, making her turn around, "Yeah?"
"Is he—" I trail off, what do I ask? She wouldn't know how he is. "Does he have a busy schedule today?"
"Yes, ma'am. He's in a meeting right now, and has a board meeting after that."
I nod, gulping because this is so weird to get to know his schedule by a complete stranger. "He gets free around the office hours today, right?"
She nods and I give her a smile, conveying that's all the information I needed. When she leaves, I sit down on the chair and open the box to reveal the key to my car, making me sigh. I can't believe James got a new assistant! Did he really fire Amy? God, this man! A huge part of me is ecstatic while the other is still processing the news, because I'm aware how he doesn't let his personal life interfere with his professional one, so it's a huge decision on his part. I open the bag and pull out my laptop, which makes my curiosity peak up when I notice a sticky note on top of it.
"I thought you might need the laptop along with other things. The car's parked at the usual place outside the office, and your phone's in the front pocket. Please switch it back on, I just want to hear your voice tonight.
Love, J."
The note makes the tears appear almost instantly as my eyes burn a little and I sniff, sucking up a breath because I don't want to catch unnecessary attention. My eyes roam around the scribbled handwriting again and again until my heart feels like it would explode.
I almost put aside the things and rush up to his floor to see him, because that's how much I miss him, but then I stop myself. I haven't gone a single day without speaking to him in last three months, and this feels like a punishment I'm putting both of us through. I pull out my phone from the bag before switching it back on.
While most of the people are on a break, and it's still technically my free time, I check my phone and there are two voicemails from James, making my heart beat pick up as I press the button and put my phone to my ear to listen.
"Hey, I know you said you needed—"
I press end, my breath catching at hearing his voice after two days, my emotions coming together to settle above my heart to overwhelm me. Taking my phone, I make my way to the washroom and enter a stall before closing my eyes, taking a deep breath and moving to listen to it.
"Hey, I know you said you needed some time but it's been a couple of hours since you left, and this doesn't feel okay, Lil." He breathes into the speaker, his voice sounding so damn tired and I can practically imagine him with his head in his hands.
"I listened to your voicemails from last night, and you sounded so worried, god, I really screwed up. I just... come back, please. We'll talk, I'll tell you every thought that passed my mind because right now I feel terrible. I'm not saying I shouldn't, because I definitely should, and you don't have to comfort me for that, shit! I'm just telling how I feel, I'm not trying to hold you responsible for it. You get it, right? God, I hope you do because I'd do anything to fix this."
His words makes the tears resurface and I let them because I'm tired of holding myself together. I listen to it again, focusing on his every sigh, his every word, his every breath. He sounds exhausted, guilty and upset, making my heart ache for him. I press the button to listen to the next one.
"This is really idiotic of me to leave a message when I'm holding your phone in my hand. I'm not sure if you left it on purpose, but you didn't come back to get it, so I'm assuming you really don't want any contact, which I understand. I just found the car keys, your laptop bag and the phone in living room, so it just surprised me. Jeremy wouldn't receive my calls so I called your father to know if you reached safely, and he sounded a little pissed at me, which again, I understand. I can't imagine our daughter coming home because she had a fight with her husband, I'd really punch the bastard. God, I'm rambling now, love. Take as much time as you need, but just please, please come back. This place doesn't feel like home without you."
I choke back a sob as I finish listening to it. Neither my brother or father mentioned his calls to me, and I really appreciate that because it would've messed up with my head more. He sounds so vulnerable, something I've never witnessed from his end, all the reason why it's messing with my heart. I know he was rambling, but he mentioned kids, a daughter, which again is a huge step for him because he's not very familiar with the idea.
James has never been on the other side of my anger, I mean, when we have small arguments, we've always talked it out and I've been vocal about my feelings to help him understand, and he has made up for it with his actions.
Once we had a disagreement over how sometimes he exhausts himself over work, and he really snapped at me during dinner because of that. This was back when I had my finals, and we didn't speak for an hour straight until he knocked on my bedroom door to talk it out. He was patient enough to hear me and then we went for a late night drive because I was craving brownies.
This was the first time that I was so hurt that my anger reflected in our relationship. I cry to myself in the restroom for a while before getting out and washing my face. My ears are a little pink from the crying as is the tip of my nose so I wait for it to cool down as I make a phone call.
Yash gets back to the desk after lunch and gives me a look, "You didn't let me punch."
"Wouldn't want you getting fired." I give him a small smile and he grins at me.
"I'm so proud of you."
I give him an appreciative nod before getting back to work. After the day is over, I pick up my stuff along with what Eve left at my table and make my way outside the office building. Just like I expected, Jeremy is waiting for me by the car.
"Hey." I smile at him, and he returns it. "You took a cab?"
He nods, reading my face as he looks back at the car, "Are you sure, Lil?"
"Positive, Jer. Thank you for bringing me my stuff." I move to give him a hug and he wraps his arms around me. "Enjoy the drive while it lasts."
"Finally, I get to drive this baby." I hand him the car keys and he grins at me. He looks down at the bag in his hands and looks back, "C'mon. I'll help you keep the stuff."
I nod as we make our way to where I usually parked my car. I unlock with the key James sent through Eve and Jeremy helps me keep everything inside. After he's done, I turn to him.
"Tell Mom I'll visit soon and apologise for leaving without meeting them."
"You got it, Sis. Just take care and call me if you need anything."
I smile at him before getting in the driver's seat and making my way to the familiar street, my stomach tossing and turning from the knots. When I park the car, I get everything and make my way up the elevator, my nerves settling in as I sigh. His cars were parked in the basement, so I'm assuming he's home, which only makes my throat feel dry.
A part of me wants to ring the doorbell but it will be too weird. I've never felt like a stranger in my own home, so I'm not starting now. I use my key to get inside but he's nowhere in sight, which makes me frown as I leave the bag along with other stuff in the living area before making my way to our bedroom.
The door is ajar as I push it open quietly, only to find him standing by the glass door, his hands in his pockets as he stares outside, his back towards me. I can physically feel his presence as my breathing picks up and my body feels the need to close the distance between us because of how much I've craved him.
I lean against the doorway, sighing as I appreciate being in such a close distance with him. I didn't realise how loud my sigh was because he turns around, his eyes wide and his lips parted as he takes me in, his gaze fixed on my face as he continues to stare like he's just seen a ghost.
"Lillian?" His voice is breathless, like he's actually having a hard time believing that I'm standing in front of him.
"Hey."