-Noah-
I still didn’t know how to put my words together the way I wanted. But how hard is it to just ask? Clearly, hard enough. “Do you remember what you said to me?” That was a good way to ease into it.
But why ease into it? I can’t give a reason why I do half the shit I do.
Scott leaned back against the couch and let out a long sigh. “Obviously.”
“Why haven’t we talked about it?”
“You haven’t brought it up.”
“I didn’t think I would have to, Scott. You can’t just say something like that and expect me to just not ask about it.”
He shrugged his shoulders and leaned over his legs. “I know I shouldn’t have said that.”
I don’t think I would have went that far. “Why would you tell me you killed him? What was the point of that?”
“I wanted you and Willow to be afraid of me.” His tone was even, not holding a single drop of regret.
He has no clue how bad I want to hurt him right now. “All of this. Everything you’ve done for the past two years has been for absolutely nothing.” I spat. “You’ve ruined my life, along with your own. For what, Scott?”
Still his face was expressionless. “It wasn’t all for nothing. It was for my mom. Someone who couldn’t be here today because of our father. You know nothing, Noah. You have no idea how bad I feel all the time. You have no clue what’s happening to me.”
I want to feel sorry for him, but I can’t. Something inside of me is still telling me not to trust him. “Why hurt me?” I choked. “I’m your brother.”
Scott just sort of laughed.
“What’s so funny?” I asked, clearly annoyed.
“That’s the first time you’ve actually called me your brother like you wanted me to be.” He leaned back again. “I don’t expect you to forgive me for what I’ve done.”
Didn’t plan on it. “You’re my brother whether I want you to be or not. And I’m done trying to pretend we’re not. Because I would never, ever, do any of the things you’ve done.”
Scott looked utterly defeated. “That’s why we’re different.”
“Just tell me. Did you do it?”
He hesitated, but shook his head. “I didn’t kill Jesse.”
Still the words sent shivers through me. “T-then who d-did?” I stuttered.
“I wish I could tell you—”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying to you. Telling you I did was stupid and I regret it. I wasn’t nice to Jesse but I had no intentions on killing him that night.”
He remained calm, barely collected.
For some odd reason, it was making me nervous. “You were there that night.”
Scott nodded, and was in no rush to deny anything. “He called me and was a blubbering mess. I hadn’t seen Jesse for two weeks before that night. He wanted something to make him feel better, if you catch my drift. After the guy came and dropped off our stuff, we hung out for maybe an hour. I left and maybe about halfway back to my house, I realized I forgot my wallet.” He paused to collect his thoughts as he let out a shaky breath. “I went back to the apartment and I found him passed out on the floor. He wasn’t responsive and I know I should’ve called an ambulance. He didn’t have a pulse, his hands were cold…”
My eyes were stung with tears.
The feeling of the night was rushing back to me, something I’ve avoided since it’s happened.
“I couldn’t save him.” Scott said with a voice much stronger than before. “I’m sorry, Noah.”
I was trying not to completely break down.
How could I easily believe him?
I couldn’t even answer that. For some reason I do. It’s probably stupid—actually, it is stupid. Then why am I sucking up every word he’s saying? Because a small part believes him. “He told me about your fight.” Scott muttered. “He wouldn’t hurt himself, Noah.”
My eyes instantly flicked up to meet his. “How do you know?”
“He was fine when I left. Before he fell asleep, he said he would call you tomorrow because he felt like shit about what happened.”
My breathing slowly became more rapid like I was looking for a breath I couldn’t find. Like I couldn’t find enough breath in the first place. “I-I need to g-go.”
Everything felt like a blur as I stood up. In slow motion.
I heard Scott’s muffled voice calling my name before I slammed the front door shut and stumbled to my car. I let myself focus long enough to hurry up and start my car. Scott came running out as soon as I backed out of the driveway.
I wasn’t in shape to drive, but I managed through my raged breathing. I had no idea where I was going, but I couldn’t stay there. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. I already wanted to cry, but even that doesn’t feel satisfying.
I found myself parked outside the cemetery only a few miles from where Jesse used to live.
I bit down on my fist and squeezed my eyes closed. My mind was clouded by these oppressing thoughts I didn’t want to have anymore. The feeling of losing my best friend all over again stabbed me in the chest like a knife. The feeling of someone so important to you being ripped away from you without any warning.
There’s no way to prepare yourself for any loss. And the loss of Jesse is something I’ll never be over.
I hurried to wipe away the tear on my cheek and climb out of the car. I took a deep breath and raised the hood of my jacket over my head. I ducked my head a little and walked down a sandy and grassy path. For some reason or another, I knew where I was going. Even though I haven’t been here since the day of his funeral.
My feet came to a halt in front of Jesse’s memorial. I looked around, only spotting a small service a ways away from me and another person taking care of maintenance around the cemetery. I kneeled down onto the fresh cut patch of grass and looked up slowly.
“Jesse Hale. Beloved brother, son, and Friend.” I read softly to myself.
Why didn’t this feel real?
None of it did.
I didn’t feel this bad when it first happened. Now it feels like everything is crashing on my shoulders. I’m being pushed down by emotions. Way to many emotions I’ve been holding back for two years. “This isn’t fair.” I mumbled.
I let myself cry.
Not for myself but for my best friend.
I had to laugh a little at the thought of Jesse seeing me cry. Especially over him. He would most likely slap me upside the head and tell me to stop crying like a little bitch. But that thought alone only made me want to cry more because he isn’t here to call me out on my bullshit, even though I do have Willow to do that.
Jesse had a low tolerance for bullshit. He was the one to keep me in line for a while. After I started to party and drink less, it’s like he began to do it more. Expect he was more into drugs than drinking. We started fighting more during his last few months. He was always irritated by something and I was never in the mood to deal with it because it was just repetitive.
I was a horrible friend and all I wanted to do was take it back. If I was there, Scott wouldn’t have been. I would have been with him that night if I wasn’t so high on my pride to apologize first even if I wasn’t the one who was wrong. I needed to be the bigger person and be a brother and a friend to Jesse. And now I can’t tell him that because it’s too late. I’ll never get that chance and it’s literally eating me up inside. It’s killing me.
“None of this was supposed to happen.” I continued speaking softly. “We were supposed to go to college together. You were supposed to get married and have kids.” I stopped to take in a shaky breath and wipe my tear stained cheeks. “I remember you telling me that Hayley was the one. And you planned on marrying her.” I laughed a little. “You were so drunk, but you were serious.” I fell back on my butt, not caring about getting my pants dirty. “I miss you like crazy all the time. Sometimes I need someone to get me into trouble instead of keeping me out of it but you always did both.”
I probably looked a little crazy for basically talking to the air. But I didn’t feel crazy. I was starting to actually feel better. Now that does sound a little crazy.
I spoke about Willow and everything else that’s happened this year. Then I just sat there for what felt like hours with just my head in my hands. The pain in my chest was just a dull ache now. I stopped crying about five minutes ago and my face felt like it was on fire. I dropped my hands and closed my eyes. I took in a few steady breaths and exhaled slowly.
Today has been emotionally exhausting.
I picked myself up off the ground and started back towards my car. I was exhausted but for some reason I felt better. Or at least a little. I didn’t want to believe Scott because that was a new set of problems I wasn’t equipped to deal with right now, or ever.
I just started driving. I had an idea of where I was going, but I wasn’t exactly sure if that was a good idea. But it was too late because an hour later I was pulling into the driveway of my old house. I didn’t hesitate to get out of the car and take long strides until I reached the front door. I rang the doorbell and knocked furiously on the door.
The door swung open and Willow stood there with a smile that quickly fell. “What happened?” She placed her hands gently on my face, examining my face that was probably red and blotchy from crying earlier. “It’s nothing.” I knocked her hands off gently and walked around her to get inside.
I heard the door close and Willow appeared in front of me. “Noah, that doesn’t look like nothing.” She reached for my face again. “Talk to me. Please.”
Without clearly thinking, I kissed her. “This isn’t talking.” She muttered against my lips.
“Talking is the last thing I want to do right now.”
I reached for her hips to pull her closer as our lips met again. “Noah.” She groaned and balled the fabric of my sweatshirt into her fists.
“When are they coming back?” I whispered and kissed her a bit harshly.
“Tomorrow night.” She answered when I pulled back.
I grabbed her hand, leading her up to my old bedroom. “I don’t see how this is going to help.”
I pulled her towards the bed, “I need you right now.” I placed my lips more gently on hers this time, kissing her like I meant it with less urgency. How she deserved to be kissed. “I need you in so many ways.” I moaned. I want to make the most of my vulnerability and just let everything go completely with Willow. I laid her down on the bed and moved to hover over her.
Her hands trailed over my face, tugging down on the hem of my sweatshirt. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
I sat up long enough to remove it, along with my shirt. “I talked to Scott, like you told me to.”
She tilted her head to the side, her fingers still grazing my jaw. “Why were you crying?” now she lightly brushed her fingers over my cheeks.
“I went to visit Jesse.”
I hoped I didn’t have to elaborate on what I meant.
But Willow simply nodded and I knew she did. “You didn’t have to go alone.” There was something soothing about her thumb running over my bottom lip.
“I needed to.” I replied with a voice much stronger. “But I don’t want to be alone right now.”
She nodded her head and brought my lips back down to hers. “You’ll never be alone. I’m here, Noah. I’ll always be here.”
I trailed my hand smoothly up her stomach, stopping just at the top of her blouse. I steadily undid the first button, immediately going to work on the second.
Willow let out a small whimper and I knew she was putty in my hands.
Not that I’m complaining.
I’ve just waited for so long to be close to her again. The feel her skin against mine. To be able to call her mine again. To kiss her when I wanted. Just to be this close again was driving me insane. “What does this mean for us?” She asked.
“I don’t know.” I answered truly. “But he can’t stop us now.”
She smiled. And for once, we didn’t end the night fighting.
It was quite the opposite.
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Ehhh, filler chapter I guess?
Please tell me what you think so far! It really does help me!
I really hope you guys had an amazing holiday and if you don't celebrate, just an amazing day and an amazing year! You guys are the best. <3
Song: Alone by Sleeping With Sirens