Had a random idea for this and wrote it yesterday. It's quite a sad oneshot and a little dark, particularly nearly the end, and contains triggers, just a warning.
The main song used in this is Top floor by Naughty Boy feat. Ed Sheeran, video is on the side or at the top (depends where you're reading). it's not a very well known song but I loved it straight away. it's dark and deals with suicide so just letting you know in case anything like that affects you. you don't have to listen to the song, the oneshot focuses more on the lyrics, but if you wanna listen please do.
For the sake of the story, lets just pretend that this song and the other songs used are all written by Sophie.
And to put into context, the oneshot is set during the tour whilst Nathan and Sophie are still on bad terms.
Enjoy :)
**Nathan's POV**
I huffed and switched the television off. There was nothing interesting on any of the channels. In fact, there was nothing interesting to do at all. Everybody else was asleep on the tourbus and I was the only one up so far.
I began to glance aimlessly around the room, looking for something interesting to pass some time with, when my gaze fell upon a blue notebook left on the kitchen counter. I recognised it instantly. It was Sophie's song book that she's had since she was fifteen, with every song she's ever written in it.
Standing up, I casually made my way over to the counter and placed my hand on top of the notebook. i knew I shouldn't go looking through it. It's very personal to her and I know that I wouldn't like someone snopping through all the songs I've written and reading them. I remembered her getting really pissed off with Chelsea that time in rehearsals when she'd looked though the notebook without Sophie's permission. I definitely shouldn't look in it.
I leaned my body to look down the aisle of the tourbus. Still no sign of movement from anyone. Everyone was still asleep. I chewed on my lip for a moment before picking up the notebook and opening it up on the first page before I could change my mind, seeing a page full of words in her loopy handwriting.
Please don't say you love me
'Cause I might not say it back
Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that
There's no need to worry when you see just where we're at
Just please don't say you love me
'Cause I might not say it back
I remember her playing that one for me when we were younger. She said it was about me and the first time I'd told her I loved her. Even though her singing was amazing, I remember being astounded that she could write songs so well for someone so young. Both her singing and her songwriting skills have only gotten better with age.
I flicked through the next few pages, recognising more songs from when we were together and I had persuaded her to sing them to me. They were all very cheesy, lovey-dovey, happy songs about our relationship. The cheesy, lovey-dovey, happy songs ended rather abruptly however, when I reached a page with just one half'-written verse-ful of lyrics on it. I couldn't actually make out what any of the words were because the ink was all smudged, like she spilled something on them and the paper was all crinkly. My stomach dropped when I realised that the splatters were actually tear stains. I guess it was written just after the break up. It reminded me of that night, when she came running to me in the park, crying her eyes out-
I pushed the memory to the back of mind and turned the page.
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down my face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never hear me say-
I sighed and turned the page again. I didn't want to hear about how she'd wanted me back and how she'd missed me. If she had wanted me back that much, maybe she should have called me or come to see me in London. Yeah, I probably would have still been angry but if she'd showed some remorse and actually fought for me, I might have taken her back. Not now though. Too late now for anything to go back to the way it was. The damage is too deep to be fixed.
I skipped three more pages randomly before I landed on one she'd called Everything You Are with guitar chords scrawled messily down the margin.
'Cause maybe I don't wanna lose a lover and friend in one night
If that's alright
I shouldn't have fucked with your mind
And your life too many times
Or maybe I don't wanna be lonely
Darling, you are my only love
Behind my truth lies everything you are
I wasn't sure whether I liked this one. She didn't fuck with my mind or my life that much, just the once. But I doubted I was her 'only love' anymore. I'm sure she's had plenty over the past couple of years.
Not that I care.
I flicked over to the next page. By now I'd completely forgotten about whether it was morally right to be pressing my nose up against the glass of this window into her life, her thoughts, feelings, emotions. I was engrossed.
You're far away tonight
Haven't seen you in a while
It always feel like a climb
On this never ending hill
And I keep saying, wait just one more day
Days slowly drift away
And I can hold to the memories
But they wont hold me in the same way
As you
And this distance between us
Has has come and cut us clean as
A sharp blade
And this distance between us
Has made my heart as weak as
Silk that's frayed
That one hit me because it was so true. She had described our break up exactly right - like a knife had cut us clean in half. It all happened so suddenly; one minute we had a beautiful relationship and within the space of fifteen minutes, it was completely detonated.
The next page was another crinkly one, more tear stains dotted across the paper like I'd seen earlier. The writing was still legible though, the words Top Floor written at the top of the page. It kind of puzzled me because the title didn't seem to give anything away about the song's meaning. It didn't seem like it had anything to do with love or heartbreak or break ups. Maybe it was a lovely chirpy song or something; it would make a nice change at this point. But then my eyes fell on the tear stains again and I didn't get my hopes up.
I can see the city life,
From where I stand on the top floor,
And I'm not sure if I'm dead,
I raise my hands to the clouds,
To check if heaven is with me now,
'Cause the devil's in my bed
And he won't love me,
Like he could,
And he won't hold me,
Like he would,
I bid this city goodnight,
And cover street lamps just like my eyes,
When it's quiet I'll go,
And say my sweetest goodbye,
Under billboards of fast food and mobile phones,
'Cause they won't treat me,
Like they should,
'Cause they don't need me,
Like you would,
My toes curled, clutched to the edge,
I'm filled up with regret,
Could you forgive me yet?
Would you know if I fell
From this hotel?
It was only until I read those last five lines that it really struck me what the song was about. Before that the words didn't make much sense to me. But those last five lines put the rest into perpective.
One tear dropped from my eyes and landed in the middle of the page, just another tear stain blending in with all the others on the page previously distributed by Sophie. I wiped the damp from my eyes.
Had she really... felt like that? Had she really taken our break up that badly that she'd felt the need to take her own life?
And worse, had she tried? Obviously if she had, she hadn't been successful but that wasn't the point. She must have been seriously depressed at that point in her life. Images of Sophie stood on the roof of a tall building flooded my mind and squeezed my eyes shut to try and destroy them.
Would you know if I fell from this hotel?
The lyrics were haunting. I felt like they were going to be haunting me. I'd probably go to bed tonight and those words will be the only things I'll think about.
Would you know if I fell from this hotel?
It genuinely upset me that she had felt like at some point. Somewhere deep down inside of me, I still cared about her in some way, I still felt responsible for her. I imagined the guilt I'd have felt if she'd done that. The last conversation we'd have had would have consisted of her crying and me shouting at her. Then I imagined Sophie being dead. I felt more tears threatening to fall. I wasn't on the best terms with her, but I wouldn't wish that on her. Imagine all the people it would affect - her mum, Sam, Gabby, Chloe, my four bandmates who'd grown so close to her over the past few weeks, me...
Would you know if I fell from this hotel?
She'd meant so much to me at one time in my life and as much as I hated what she'd done to me, she was still important to me. Being with her was one of the best years of my life and I don't regret a single moment of it. She was my best friend and if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be where I am today. Aside from the hurt she'd caused me, she was an incredible person and I couldn't imagine a world without her.
Suddenly, the sound of fumbling and creaking as someone began to climb out of their bed. I quickly shut the book and pushed it down the counter away from me. I looked around frantically trying to find something that made it look like I was doing anything that didn't involve prying in Sophie's business. Looking up, I saw a cupboard in front of me and opened it quickly, grabbing a cup to make it seem like I was making myself some tea. I picked the kettle up too and began to fill it up to add to the effect, just as footprints were heard coming down the aisle of the bus. I gave a nonchalant sideways glance to the walkway, seeing Sophie walking through in a oversized t-shirt and a pair of pyjama shorts. I turned my attention back to the kettle, turning the tap off and placing the kettle on its stand to turn it on. I didn't want to turn around and look right at her. All I could think of that song. I wondered about the tune and what it would be like to hear her sing it, hear the pain leaking through her voice.
Would you know if I fell from this hotel?
I decided I'd got as far to switch the kettle on that I might as well finish and actually make myself a cup of tea. I needed one after reading that. I could hear her moving about and then sighing. I risked a glance around to see her rooting around the sofa and down the back of it. I wondered what the hell she was looking for, and then realised she must be looking for the notebook. She must have left it in here last night because normally, she always has it nearby, and now she must be wondering where it was. I picked it up and held it over my shoulder as I waited for the kettle to boil, and waited for Sophie to notice. It took her about a minute, before I heard her movements stop and her footsteps get closer. She mumbled a quiet "thanks" as she took the notebook from my hands, before I watched her disappear back to her bed.
Again, main song is Top Floor by Ed Sheeran, video on side/at the top. Other lyrics used in this oneshot are taken from these songs in case you wanted to know:
Please Don't Say You Love Me - Gabrielle Aplin
Amnesia - 5 Seconds of Summer
Everything You Are - Ed Sheeran
Hold you - Nina Nesbitt
Hope you liked it, even though it was sad, please let me know what you think :)