Chapter 2
I didn't tell any of my friends about my current situation. I still find it weird that I am engaged to a man whom I haven't met yet. Besides, shouldn't I wear a ring? I am engaged but I still don't have a ring.
There is also little hope left in me that maybe my father would cancel the engagement and realize that I don't need anyone to help me secure my future.
My parents are right. No man would ever take me seriously nowadays. I am all just a pretty face and we know that beauty on the outside fades. I firmly believe that no man will ever love me and that is fine, I think. I don't need a man except for my brother.
They are also right that Theo Deltrazo is a good catch because he's from one of the richest families in the country. If I am to marry him, I can enjoy every piece of luxury in this world without worrying about money. People will think highly of me because of my husband. Maybe the stain on my name as a Del Rio will be gone if I marry him.
Even if I fail in school, I won't have to worry about my future because I have a Deltrazo with me. Even if I don't succeed in life not like what my father expected to happen to my brother and to my half-sister, I will not become a failure because I married a Deltrazo.
It's pleasing to the ears to hear all the positive things that can happen to me after marrying that Theo Deltrazo. It's tempting especially to my Mom who wishes to lift me and Kuya out of the burden of being Gonzalo Del Rio's illegitimate children.
What they didn't know is that even if I am not that smart kid in school, I am not dumb.
Why do I need a man for all those things to happen? Can't I splurge money on luxury if I don't marry that man? Will I only be deserving of the respect and admiration of people if I become a Deltrazo?
Why are they so sure that I won't succeed? Was it because I'm not smart?
The more I think about it, the more it irks me.
"Clara, help!", Jane went to me after she entered the classroom.
Jane is a fellow model and actress like me. She started entering the industry since she was a kid but stopped for a while during junior high school and returned now in senior high.
"Saan?", I asked.
She's beautiful and also talented. We're under the same management and luckily, she goes to the same school as me and we're classmates.
"I'm auditioning for this show. Next week pa naman ang audition kaya I still have time kaya lang kinakabahan ako. I filmed myself last night with the audition piece. Tingnan mo nga kung okay lang", she said and handed me her phone.
She wanted me to audition too but I lost interest. It's just that I don't think I am fit for the role.
"Your eyes... is this sad or guilty?", I asked her.
"Hindi ba 'yon magkatulad?", balik niya sa akin.
I paused the video and thought about it for a second.
"I don't think they're the same. You can be sad about something but not guilty about it and vice versa. If you want to show them that you're feeling sadness and guilt, then you should also make it look different. Hindi pwedeng ito lang ang mata mo kapag malungkot ka at ganoon lang din kapag guilty ka", I explained to her.
Napanganga siya sa akin.
"Bakit ba ayaw mo pang mag-full time? I'm thinking about going full-time and maybe just get home-schooled for college. Kung hindi naman kaya, titigil muna ako", she shared.
"Hindi pwede. Hindi papayag ang parents ko at lalo na si Kuya Pancho", I pouted.
Noong una, modeling lang ang pinasok ko. Noong tumagal na, nahumaling na rin ako sa pag-arte kaya tinuloy ko na. Iyon nga lang, nagkasundo kami nina Mommy, Daddy, at Kuya Pancho na kailangan kong mag-aral at kung kakailanganin kong pumili sa dalawa, pipiliin ko ang pag-aaral.
"Sayang naman. May talent ka, alam mo 'yan. At marami ring good feedbacks sa'yo kahit na supporting roles pa lang ang ginagampanan mo. I feel like you'd really make it big kung talagang doon mo itutuon ang pansin mo", she said and I smiled at her.
"I can finish school then go full-time. For now, ikaw muna", saad ko at tinulungan ko na ulit siya sa mga dapat niya pang ayusin.
Sa school, pansamantala kong nakakalimutan ang pagiging engaged ko kay Theo Deltrazo. Nakita ko na siya at hindi ko naman na itatanggi na hindi sapat ang salitang 'gwapo' para ilarawan siya.
School is the place where I am with my friends but I can't really say that it is my safe haven. It is also full of people who would judge me right away because of some made-up stories by people who don't like me. It is a place where I also feel suffocated because everyone here knows about my surname and my brother that's why the pressure is intense.
It's a place where the smart gets all the praises, the rich gets the privilege, the not-so-smart kids get labeled as lazy and kids who don't have dreams, the poor gets discriminated, and the famous kids become the standard for everyone else when they achieve something great and the shame for the school when they commit mistakes.
And if there is a group for students who are smart, rich, and famous, the man that caught my vision now will definitely be part of it.
Theo.
He's famous here in school but not to me. Naririnig ko lang ang pangalan pero wala naman akong pakialam.
Ngayon lang.
"Matutunaw 'yan. Ang gwapo 'no?", si Shawn na sumulpot sa gilid ko habang nakatingin ako kay Theo Deltrazo.
"Kilala mo pala 'yan?"
"Oo naman! At tsaka kaibigan 'yan ng Kuya mo ah?", pinaalala pa niya.
"Hindi ko kilala 'yan. Hindi ko naman kilala ang mga kaibigan ni Kuya", saad ko habang nakakunot ang noo.
Sino bang hindi kukunot ang noo kapag ganyan ang nakita. Akala ko ba ay pumayag na siya na ma-engage sa akin? Bakit may kausap pa rin siyang babae?
Dito pa talaga niya balak landiin sa lugar kung saan alam naman niya na maaaring makita ko siya.
Nakakainis.
"Girl, 'yung boyfriend mo papunta rito", kalabit ulit sa akin ni Shawn.
"Nasaan?", tanong ko habang lumilinga-linga.
"Ayan oh! Exit muna ako. Chika later", saad ni Shawn at umalis na muna para mapag-isa kami ni Terrence.
"Sorry. Kanina ka pa ba? May mga sinabi pa kasi si coach 'e kaya hindi kaagad ako nakapunta", he said and he looked like he rushed all the way here from the field.
He's a football player and plays for our school. I find him decent and really nice. He's the most decent among all the guys I dated. Hindi siya clingy. Nakikinig din siya lagi sa akin kapag sinasabi ko kung anong mga gusto at ayaw ko. Hindi niya ako pinipilit gawin ang mga bagay na hindi ko pa gustong gawin like kissing.
"No, it's fine. Do you want to drink water first?", alok ko sa kanya dahil malalim pa ang paghinga niya mula sa pagkaripas papunta rito.
This is really hard for me. He's so nice, I swear. He's not even asking for so much time and attention from me. Napakasimpleng lalake lang din niya.
"Okay lang?", he asked and I nodded.
Oh! That one.
Iyan lang ang ayaw ko sa kanya. Takot siya sa akin. Kailangan lahat ng gagawin niya ay may pahintulot ko dahil ayaw niya raw akong magalit sa kanya. At first, I find it fascinating but as I get used to it, I am not liking it anymore. I don't want to hold him back from doing the things he wants to or needs to do. He can do anything he wants as long as it is legal and it doesn't disrespect or harm anyone.
Uminom nga siya ng tubig katulad ng sabi ko. I bit my lower lip. Sayang talaga siya. He's a good catch din pero kailangan ko na siyang hiwalayan.
"Terrence, break na tayo", sabi ko kaya naubo siya.
"Ano ulit?", tanong niya.
I am certain that he heard what I said. He just wanted me to repeat it because he doesn't want to believe it.
"I said I don't want this anymore so I am breaking up with you".
Huminga siya nang malalim at tumango-tango.
"Naiintindihan ko pero pwede ko bang malaman kung bakit?", tanong niya.
Gosh! Why is he making this so hard for me? Ang bait pa naman niya. Siya talaga ang pinakamabait sa mga naging boyfriend ko kahit na lagi niyang dinedepende ang mga gagawin niya sa kung ano ang desisyon at gusto ko.
"It's a family thing", I said.
I can't tell him the real reason. Although, my family is involved here but the sole reason why I am breaking up with him is because I am engaged already. Even if I don't like Theo Deltrazo, I believe that I can't date anyone anymore because we're still engaged.
"Ganoon ba? Rerespetuhin ko kung ganoon. Alam ko naman din na hindi tayo magtatagal dahil baka pagsawaan mo ako pero sinubukan ko pa rin. Gusto ko lang din sanang malaman, sa dalawang buwan na naging tayo, nagustuhan mo ba ako?", he asked and held my hand.
"No. I find you attractive and interesting. You're nice but I don't like you enough to give you my first kiss, if that's what you were pertaining".
Natapos ang pag-uusap namin at nakahinga naman ako nang maluwag nang tanggapin niya ang pakikipaghiwalay ko sa kanya. Umalis na siya sa harapan ko at nang paalis na rin ako sa pwesto ay nagtama ang mga mata namin ni Theo Deltrazo.
Is he looking at me?
I furrowed my brows at him.
Where is your girl, huh? Bakit biglang nawala 'e kalandian mo lang 'yon kanina?
I broke the eye contact and turned my back on him. Judging the way he looked at me, he really knows now that I am Clara Del Rio, his fiancé.
The whole week went well. I had no news again about my engagement with Theo Deltrazo. We were back to normal in our house. Daddy would visit but Kuya won't face him, that's normal.
"Galit ka pa rin ba kay Pancho?", Mom asked Dad one time.
"I can't stay mad at him. He's my son", saad ni Dad.
It's a relief to me. At least, Dad still loves my brother even if Kuya Pancho avoids him as much as he can.
"I'll try to convince him. Baka magbago ang isip niya sa Del Rio Corp. Pwede pa rin naman siyang mag-aral ulit pagkatapos niyang kumuha ng architecture", saad ni Mommy.
Tahimik lang akong nakikinig sa usapan nilang dalawa habang nagmemerienda kami sa living room. Hindi ako makasingit sa usapan dahil hindi ko rin naman alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag sa kanila na kahit anong gawin nila, hindi tatanggapin ni Kuya Pancho ang Del Rio.
"Thank you. If you can convince him, he'll be my successor. Sofia will understand. She's too feminine to lead the company. I can give her the second to the highest position, though. Mas mapapanatag ako kung si Pancho ang magmamana", he said.
I sipped on my pineapple juice after hearing my father's remark. He likes Kuya Pancho so much that he's willing to neglect the rightful heir if Kuya Pancho will accept their offer.
If Kuya Pancho won't accept it, he'll give it to Sofia. Yes, I am not part of the choices. I already accepted that and I don't want it too.
Nakakalungkot nga lang na parang wala talagang para sa akin.
Kuya Pancho is the favorite. Sofia is the legitimate daughter.
Ako – I am not the favorite and not even the legitimate daughter. I am just a mere decoration in the family because of my beauty; a decoration they admire for its beauty but only use when needed and throw away when it becomes useless.
"Why aren't you dressed? Hindi ka ba sasama?", tanong ko kay Kuya Pancho nang pasukin ko ang kwarto niya.
He's topless with only his jersey shorts on. He's busy reading something for his Architectural Design 6.
"I'm studying", he only said.
I rolled my eyes and stood in front of him. I know that he's still opposing to this but it's happening now. He can't do anything about it anymore.
"This is important to me. I'll meet my fiancé and his family. I want you to be there", saad ko pero hindi niya ako tiningnan man lang.
"Why am I needed there? Hindi naman ako ang ikakasal sa kupal na Theo na 'yon", pangangatwiran niya pa.
"I thought he's your friend?", balik ko sa kanya.
"Magkaibigan kami pero hindi ibig sabihin 'non ay pabor na ako sa engagement niyong dalawa", he answered.
"Even if you're not in favor of our engagement, I want you to be there. What if I suddenly feel uneasy? It's not like I can count on Mom or Dad", I said and that is the truth.
"That's just a dinner. It's not like you're getting married already. Just finish the food and go home. Alam mo naman ang bilin ko sa'yo 'di ba? Huwag kang maghaharap sa akin ng lalakeng hindi mo mahal. Kapag sumama ako at hinarap ko si Theo roon, para mo na ring hinarap sa akin ang lalakeng mahal mo. Kadiri", pagsusungit na naman niya.
I sighed and started walking towards his door but he called my name so I stopped.
"Pichi", he uttered.
"Yes? Sasama ka na?", I said in an excited voice.
"No. Hell no", he rolled his eyes and took off his necklace and went to me.
It's a thin chain necklace where he used a ring as a pendant. He bought the ring when we went to LA last year for no reason, he said.
"Why are you giving this to me?", I asked.
"If you feel uncomfortable, just hold the ring. At least bring something that will remind you of me", he said and put the necklace on me.
I stared at the necklace for a moment and held the ring hanging. As much as I want him to come with us, I don't want him to go there forcefully. He doesn't really want to get himself involved in anything that has something to do with Daddy and I understand.
Bumaba na ako para sumama kina Daddy at Mommy. Hindi na nagulat ang dalawa nang sabihin kong hindi makakasama si Kuya Pancho. I told them he's busy studying and even if they weren't pleased with Kuya's reason, they both know that my brother's decision is final.
The Deltrazos made a reservation in a fancy hotel. They're really that big, huh? I don't want it to seem that they're trying to show off because maybe they're just used to dining in places like this.
I followed my parents from the back. I am always confident in front of a crowd of people but tonight, even if I'll just face four people, I feel really nervous.
Tiningnan ko pa ulit ang damit ko kung may gusot. I am wearing a black, fitted, spaghetti-strap dress that's just inches above my knees. I wore heels because I'm short and knowing that Theo Deltrazo is as tall as my brother, I don't want to appear small beside him.
My hair is in a ponytail and I also applied light make-up on my face. This is just a casual dinner but it felt like I am summoned by a king. My knees are trembling too. Damn it!
We head to the table reserved by the Deltrazos. I saw three persons already seated around the round table.
The old Deltrazo was all smiles when he saw us approaching. The Deltrazo matriarch looked on our way a bit late and also welcome us with a smile. The two heads of the family were happy to see us.
Bumeso kaagad si Mommy sa kanila at si Daddy ay nakipagkamay. Tahimik akong nakasunod sa likod ng mga magulang at panay ang lunok dahil sa kaba.
"I knew it. She's really gorgeous!", the lady said who according to my research is Regina Deltrazo.
"They'll make a good pair", tawa ng matandang Deltrazo, Gustav Christoffer Deltrazo.
"Good evening", I greeted them and kissed both of them on the cheeks.
The only person who remained silent the whole time we were greeting each other was this man wearing a black dress shirt and gray pants. He has no reaction at all. Is he usually like this? I thought he's jolly. That was the man I saw with my brother near the fountain not this man who looks so... cold and stiff.
Binati siya ng mga magulang ko at ganoon din siya. He smiled at them but he's still very formal. Should I greet him? I don't think I should. Hindi niya nga ako binabati 'e. Hindi ko rin siya babatiin kung ganoon!
Ang awkward dahil nakatingin lang sa aming dalawa ang mga magulang namin. Nakatitig lang kaming dalawa sa isa't-isa at hindi alam ang sasabihin. May dapat ba akong sabihin? Wala!
Hindi pa nakatulong sa sitwasyon na magkatabi kami ng upuan. Nauna akong umupo at nginitian ko sila. Umupo na rin ang mga matatanda at pinakahuling umupo si Theo na mukhang wala talaga sa mood.
"Hindi naman na siguro kailangang ipaliwanag sa mga bata ulit ang tungkol sa engagement", saad ni Mommy.
"Of course. They already know it, Ingrid, and they both agreed to it", Regina Deltrazo said and smiled at me.
She's beautiful. Her husband is also handsome. No wonder they have a son like Theo where handsome is an understatement.
"Where is Xythos?", asked my father.
"He's in Spain for work. He'll be back in a few days. Sayang nga 'e dahil kaaalis lang niya kahapon. Hindi bale at marami pa namang pagkakataon para magkasama tayong lahat at makumpleto sa iisang hapag", Christoffer Deltrazo said.
"I see. My son, Juan Patricio, is busy with his studies. He's taking architecture. Kumusta pala ang pag-aaral, hijo? Nagkikita ba kayo ni Pancho sa school?", my father asked this man beside me.
Hinahayaan ko lang silang mag-usap dahil hindi ako interesado sa dinner na ito. Just like what my brother told me, just eat and go home. Kaya heto nga at inaabala ko ang sarili ko sa pagkain.
"Yes, Sir. We see each other in school but not very often. Malayo ang building nila sa engineering", tipid niyang sagot at tumuloy na rin sa pagkain.
"Kaya rin siguro hindi pa kayo nagkikita ni Clara sa university dahil kung si Pancho nga at ikaw ay madalang magkita, ito pa kayang si Clara?", my Mom said.
"Nakikita ko po siya minsan", saad ni Theo.
"Really? I bet you always see her with a lot of friends. A beauty like her can surely attract a lot of people", her mother remarked.
Friends? I only have three in school.
I bit my lip and then sipped on my water.
"She has friends inside and outside school. You see, Regina, she's building her name in showbusiness. Ayaw ko ngang payagan noong una pero dahil mapilit, wala rin kaming nagawa", Mom sounded disappointed on her last sentence.
I bit my lip again and breathed heavily.
"Bakit naman hindi? Napakagandang bata ng anak mo, Ingrid. I heard that she's also talented", the Deltrazo patriarch remarked.
I lifted my head and smiled at him. That was, so far, the best and most sincere thing I've heard tonight.
"Hindi pa rin ako masyadong sangayon sa gusto niya. Pumayag lang naman kami pero hindi ito permanente. We want her to finish school and do corporate work. Mas sigurado roon", saad ni Daddy.
This is the reason why I want my brother to be here.
I held on the ring hanging on the necklace that my brother let me borrow.
"If she's happy with it, shouldn't you support her, Sir?", Theo said.
Nilingon ko siya. Nagtama ang tingin naming dalawa at pagkatapos ay bumaba siya sa kamay kong nakahawak sa kwintas na may nakasabit na singsing.
"Drop the 'Sir', hijo. You can call me Tito. Ah... hindi pa naman sigurado si Clara roon. For now, we let her do showbiz but we can never tell what will happen in the future. Baka ngayon masaya siya sa ginagawa niya pero kalaunan ay hindi na pala. Kaya ayaw namin na ituon niya masyado ang pansin sa pag-aartista dahil marami pang pwedeng magbago", paliwanag ni Daddy.
Lalong humigpit ang hawak ko sa kwintas ni Kuya Pancho. I excused myself for a while because I can't take that kind of conversation anymore.
I went out to get some air. Mababaliw yata ako kapag nanatili ako sa loob.
Kasalanan ko rin naman dahil hindi ako nagsalita kanina. Hindi ako makapagsalita dahil may ibang tao at hindi lang basta ibang tao kundi pamilya ng fiancé ko.
Mahirap na at baka magkasagutan kami nina Mommy at Daddy. Kahit ayaw ko sa setup na 'to, ayaw ko rin namang pahiyain ang sarili at pamilya ko sa ibang tao, lalo na sa mga Deltrazo.
I stared at the starless sky while holding my brother's necklace. Maybe my brother predicted that a conversation like that might happen tonight so he chose not to come. He chose not to come because he knew that he won't hold back if he hears our parent's opinion on my passion.
He didn't want to create trouble if ever something like that happens so he didn't come with us.
"You left your family inside", a voice croaked somewhere.
Lumingon ako sa gilid ko at sa likod nang makita na naglalakad palapit sa pwesto ko si Theo. Nakapamulsa siya at prenteng naglalakad papunta sa akin, tila modelo.
"I want to get some air", saad ko at tumalikod na muli sa kanya.
Akala ko ay lulubayan na niya ako pagkatapos kong sumagot sa kanya pero tumabi siya sa akin. Pareho kaming nakatayo at nakatitig sa kawalan.
"Why do you keep on holding back? If you want to prove a point, speak up. Bakit mo hinahayaan na magsalita lagi para sa'yo ang mga magulang mo?", tanong niya sa akin.
"It's not as easy as you think", I answered.
Kung wala lang talaga sila kanina, magsasalita naman talaga ako dapat.
"I didn't say it was easy", pamimilosopo niya pa sa akin.
"Why are you here, anyway?", tanong ko na lamang.
"Boring sa loob", tipid niyang sagot.
"Boring din naman dito", kunot noo kong sagot ulit sa kanya.
I find this really funny. This is our first conversation ever but we speak to each other casually.
"Is it true that you don't want this?", he asked a question I didn't expect to hear from him.
He's confirming if I don't want this engagement so it means that someone must have told him.
"I agreed to save my brother, your friend", sagot ko sa kanya at narinig ko siyang tumawa.
Lumingon ako sa kanya at nakita ko pa rin siyang nakangisi.
"See this?", turo niya sa sugat sa labi niya.
"Anong mayroon diyan?", taas kilay kong tanong.
"Your brother did this to me after he found out that I agreed to this engagement. Ang sakit manuntok ng kupal na 'yon", he remarked and slightly brushed the corner of his lips using his thumb.
Kupal. Bakit nila tinatawag ang isa't-isa na kupal? I guess they really are good friends, huh?
"Bakit ka pumayag? Pwede kang tumanggi pero pumayag ka", it's my turn to ask him.
"Bakit hindi? Kung pwede akong tumanggi, pwede rin naman akong hindi tumanggi", pamimilosopo ulit niya.
Ugh! I just want to get straight answers from him!
"I heard that there's a long line of girls who want to get engaged to you. I'm sure most of them are from good families and... have a better reputation than me. Hindi mo man lang ba kinonsidera ang parteng 'yon? I am not a good catch", pilit ko ulit.
Hindi ako titigil hangga't hindi ko nakukuha ang sagot niya.
Imposible naman na basta na lang siyang pumayag. Kung dahil lang ba 'yon sa pagkakaibigan ng mga tatay namin, marami rin naman sigurong kaibigan ang Papa niya? Hindi ba't kaibigan din ni Christoffer Deltrazo si Pedro Riqueza? Bakit tumanggi si Theo kay Calista Riqueza?
Was it because he's friends with my brother? I doubt that. If he really considered his friendship with Kuya Pancho, he should've not agreed to this because he knows that my brother opposes this engagement.
"Ano ba ang gusto mong marinig na sagot, Clara?"
That was the first time I heard him say my name.
"I just want to know your reason", I said.
Hindi na naman siya sumagot kaagad. Nakatitig lang siya sa mga mata ko, tila tinatantsa ako. Nag-iisip siguro ito ng isasagot sa akin. Napakasimple lang naman ng tanong ko, ah?
"What?", I nagged him.
Bumaba ang mata niya sa kwintas na suot ko. Ano bang mayroon dito sa kwintas ni Kuya Pancho? Kanina pa niya 'to tinitingnan kahit pa noong nasa loob kami.
"Hindi ba pwedeng gusto ko lang? Pumayag lang ako kasi gusto ko lang"
"This isn't just a game you can play because you just want to and quit anytime because you want to. This won't just end as an engagement. We're talking about marriage! Pakakasal ka ba talaga sa akin?", pikon kong baling sa kanya.
Ngumisi siya dahil sa mga sinabi ko. He finds this amusing, huh? Nakakapikon!
"Bakit ba gusto mong malaman ang dahilan ko? Hindi pa ba sapat na pumayag ako? Huwag kang mag-alala dahil wala akong sabit. Wala na akong girlfriend o kalandian", he said cockily.
This guy, ugh! He really has that air that can annoy me.
"I don't believe you", pinagkrus ko ang mga braso ko.
Sinong maniniwala sa mga sinasabi niya? Kailan lang ay nakita kong may kausap siyang babae sa school. Nakahawak pa nga ang babae sa braso niya. Anong tawag niya roon?
"Baka ikaw... may sabit ka", he closed our distance and his eyes went again on my necklace.
"Why do you have to wear someone else's ring on that necklace on our first dinner together? Ganoon mo ba kaayaw nito, Clara, that you really have to wear that thing tonight?", mariin ang titig niya sa kwintas na suot ko.
Wait, what?
It took me a couple of seconds to process what he said.
Ano bang akala niya rito sa kwintas na suot ko? Akala niya ba ay singsing ito ng kung sino lang na lalake? At inaakusahan niya pa ako na may sabit?
I broke up with Terrence last week! I don't have a boyfriend anymore. Wala na nga rin akong kalandian dahil nga engaged na ako sa kanya. Itong kwintas talaga na ito na may nakasabit na singsing ang naging basis niya para isipin na may sabit ako? Wow!
"I don't like you. I will never like you", mariin kong sabi sa kanya.
Unang beses pa lang ito pero hindi ko na talaga siya gusto. Akala ko ay makakasundo ko ang taong ito dahil nakikipagkulitan siya sa Kuya ko noong tinagpo ko sila sa fountain. Dumagdag pa na ang sabi ni Kuya Pancho ay mabait naman ang lalakeng ito kahit na babaero.
Hindi ako nababaitan. Masyado siyang ma-ere. He's judgmental too!
"And who do you like, huh? The man who gave you that?", tiningnan niya muli ang kwintas na suot ko.
My brother? Of course!
"Oo! I like him so much. In fact, I love him. He's so much better than you!", I fired back.
Why is he so mad about this necklace? Ano kaya ang reaksyon nito na kapag nalaman niyang ang lalakeng kinagagalitan niya ay Kuya ko? Hindi niya ba nakikitang sinusuot 'to ni Kuya?
Ang talim ng titig niya sa kwintas ko. Parang kaunti na lang ay gusto niya na 'yong dakmain at alisin sa leeg ko. Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang kwintas at umatras dahil masyado na siyang malapit sa akin.
I thought he'd still say something but he walked away and just left.
Nang makauwi kami nina Mommy at Daddy ay imbes na dumiretso sa kwarto ko ay kinalabog ko ang pinto ng kwarto ni Kuya Pancho.
Pikon na pikon ako sa Theo Deltrazo na 'yon kaya nagyaya na akong umuwi pagkabalik ko sa loob. Nagyaya na rin palang umuwi si Theo kaya pumayag na rin ang matatanda na umalis na kami. Magseset na lang daw ulit ng dinner sa ibang pagkakataon para kumpleto na ang bawat pamilya.
"Gigibain mo ba ang pinto ko?", masungit na baling sa akin ni Kuya nang pagbuksan niya ako ng pinto.
Hindi ko siya sinagot at pwersahang pumasok sa kanyang kwarto. Padabog kong inalis ang high heels ko at tinapon 'yon sa sahig ng kwarto ni Kuya. Ang kapatid ko naman ay takang-taka lang sa inaakto ko.
"The dinner turned out really bad, huh? Anong nangyari?", usisa niya sa akin.
"I don't like him!", iyon lamang ang sinabi ko kay Kuya Pancho pero humagalpak na siya ng tawa.
Nagpakwento ang Kuya ko sa nangyari sa dinner at sinabi ko naman sa kanya kung gaano kasama ang loob ko kina Mommy at Daddy. Inasahan na talaga niya na magiging ganoon ang usapan kaya mukhang hindi na siya nagulat sa kwento ko.
"Sabihin mo rin pala sa kaibigan mo, napaka-judgmental niya. Akala niya yata ay may lalake ako dahil suot ko itong kwintas mo na may nakasabit na singsing!", saad ko at pilit na inaalis ang pagkaka-lock ng kwintas sa batok ko pero hindi ko naman maalis-alis.
"Akin na nga", Kuya offered help to unlock it.
"Napikon ba 'nong nakita niyang suot mo 'to?", natatawa niyang sabi habang inaalis ang kwintas.
"Oo! Akala naman niya kung sino siyang santo 'e may babae rin naman siya sa school o baka nga kahit pa sa labas ng school ay mayroon", irap ko at humarap kay Kuya nang maalis na niya ang kwintas sa akin.
"I'll wear this necklace every day until we bump into each other again. I'll make sure he sees the necklace. Tanginang 'yon. Napaka...", iling niya.
"Napaka?", tanong ko.
Napaka ano?
"Wala. Matulog ka na. Itong heels mo dalhin mo", saad niya at pinulot ang heels ko na nagkalat sa sahig niya.
Another week passed and I didn't see Theo in school again. Mas mabuti ngang hindi kami magkasalubong 'no. Sa laki ng school namin, mahirap naman na talaga na magkita kami sa campus nang coincidence lang at nagpapasalamat ako para roon.
Mahaba ang pila sa elevator kaya naghagdan ako pababa. Paglabas ng building ay may natanaw akong pamilyar na mukha. Naglalakad kasama ang ilang mga kaibigan na lalake. Nakangiti at mukhang masaya ang pinag-uusapan nila dahil nagtatawanan sila.
"Troy!", I shouted his name and he looked my way.
His friends looked shock to see that I called for their friend. Even Troy was surprised to see me. We're in the same school pala!
"Kilala mo siya? Hi, Clara!", saad ng isa niyang kaibigan na lalake.
Kumaway ako at ngumiti sa kanila. Ilang minuto pa akong pinagkaguluhan ng mga kaibigan niyang lalake. They asked if they can take pictures with me so I posed with them. Troy remained frozen in the corner, still can't believe that I am infront of him.
"Pare, una na kami. Yiee. Ikaw ha! Lakas mo talaga, Gavillan", asar ng kaibigan niya at sinundot siya sa tagiliran.
"Loko. Hindi ah", natatawa niyang tanggi sa kaibigan.
Naiwan kaming dalawa at lumapit pa ulit ako sa kanya. My savior is here!
"Dito rin pala ang school mo", saad ko at ngumiti ulit.
"Ah! Oo. Nagulat nga ako na nandito ka. Awit 'yon. Small world", tumawa siya at napakamot sa ulo.
"Kumusta? I didn't get your number that night. Nawala sa isip ko. Oh wait, senior high school ka? What grade?", ang dami kong tanong kaagad.
I am just so excited to see him. Hindi ko naman na siya naiisip after he helped me that night but sometimes, he'd randomly cross my mind. I regret that I didn't ask for his whole name or for contact number. Mabuti na lang at pareho kami ng school.
"Grade 12. STEM", luminga-linga siya sa paligid at parang nahihiya pa dahil may mga kapwa high school students kami na napapatingin sa aming dalawa.
"Just ignore them! Anyway, how are you? Pauwi ka na ba? Let's grab some food together", anyaya ko sa kanya.
"Ha? Huwag na. Nakakahiya. Artista ka pala talaga 'no?", saad niya.
"Didn't I tell you that last time? At anong huwag na? Come on, it's my treat! Pambawi ko na sa pagtulong mo sa akin noong gabing 'yon. Halika na!", hatak ko sa kanya.
"Ililibre mo ba talaga ako?", tanong niya.
"Oo! Anything you want. Name it!", offer ko sa kanya.
"Sa mezzanine na lang", hinto niya kaya napahinto rin ako.
"Bakit doon? Hindi ka ba nagsasawa sa food? Pwede tayong kumain kahit saan mo gusto. May mga kainan din diyan sa labas if you want. I'm not picky with foods", saad ko at hinatak ulit siya pero nakikipagkatakan siya sa akin pabalik.
"M-may duty ako maya-maya 'e", sabi niya kaya nahinto na rin ako sa paglalakad.
"Duty? You have work?", I asked and he shook his head.
"Student assistant ako rito. Duty ko mamaya", paliwanag niya.
Dahil nga may duty raw siya at hindi pwedeng mahuli, pumayag na ako na sa mezzanine kami kumain. Nakakapanghinayang lang talaga dahil willing akong ilibre siya sa kahit saan niya gusto pero dahil may duty siya, hindi kami matutuloy ngayon.
"What if I treat you on another day? Hindi ako satisfied na rito lang kita ikakain 'e", angal ko pero sinabayan na rin siya sa pagkain.
"Anong hindi satisfied? Sa dami nito, baka maempacho ako mamaya", puna niya dahil ang dami ko nga talagang kinuhang food para sa aming dalawa.
"STEM pala ang strand mo. What will you take for college?", daldal ko sa kanya.
"Architecture", nguso niya.
"Bakit sa STEM ka napunta?", I asked again, just curious.
"Wala 'e late na noong na-realize ko kung ano ba talagang gusto ko. BS Math sana kukunin ko sa college pero gusto ko talaga Archi 'e", saad niya at kumain ulit.
"My brother is taking Architecture too!", excited kong share sa kanya.
"Talaga? Ayos 'yon. Teka hindi ba talaga nakakahiya na sumasama ka sa akin?", naco-conscious na naman siya.
"Hindi nga! Bakit naman nakakahiya? Bawal ba akong makipagkaibigan sa'yo?", taka kong tanong dahil kanina pa talaga siya naiilang na kasama niya ako.
"Baliktad. Baka ikaw ang bawal na makipagkaibigan sa akin. Ang yaman mo, halata naman. Tapos artista ka pala. Baka ma-bash ako, ah?", tanong niya kaya natawa ako.
"So what? I still want to be friends with you. At ano ba ang pakialam nila sa mga kinakaibigan ko 'di ba?", irap ko dahil naalala ko na naman ang opinyon ng mga tao sa akin.
"Mataray ka pala", tawa niya.
"Kinda", amin ko.
"Male-late na talaga ako, Clara. Pasensya na talaga", saad niya at uminom na sa tubig pagkatapos tingnan ang wrist watch niya.
"No, it's fine! Akin na ang number mo", saad ko at dahil sa pagpa-panic ay sinulat niya ang number niya sa palad ko.
"Kapag hindi ako nakareply, wala akong load", saad niya at mabilis na tumakbo palabas ng mezzanine.
I stared at the number he wrote on my palm. I opened my bag and took out my phone to save his number. Baka mabura sa palad ko 'e, mahirap na.
Ako:
This is Clara. Save my number!
I texted him. Nakauwi na ako sa bahay pero wala siyang reply sa akin kaya naisip ko na baka nga wala siyang load.
"Ate Len, paki-paloadan naman 'tong number na 'to", I gave her a 500-peso bill.
"Ma'am, magkano po?", she asked.
"Lahat na 'yan. Hindi ko alam kung paano magload 'e. Basta ito ang number. Ilahat mo na 'yan, Ate", saad ko.
Ako:
Pinaloadan kita, okay? Magreply ka!
I texted him again.
I showered first and did my skin care routine after. I went to bed to check my phone and I saw two text messages from Troy.
Troy:
Hala! Ang laki naman ng load na 'to.
Troy:
Bored ka ba? Bakit mo ako pinaloadan ng 500?
And that's how our friendship started. We'd text about random things. I really find him kind and nice. He's a boyfriend material but I don't want him to be my boyfriend. It's so rare to find boys like him so I'd keep him as my friend.
Three weeks passed and my birthday is already near-approaching. Bored na naman ako kaya rito ako tumambay sa labas ng faculty para hintayin na matapos si Troy sa duty niya.
Noong nakalabas na siya ay hindi na siya nagulat na narito ako.
"Bored ka na naman? Nasaan sina Shawn?", tanong niya at sinabayan ko siyang maglakad.
"May kalandian si Shawn 'e. Si Jane naman absent kasi may shoot. Si Nicole nasa library, nag-aaral. Ikaw ang guguluhin ko ngayon", I giggled at umiling lamang siya sa akin.
"Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit kita naging kaibigan", tawa niya.
"Swerte mo 'no! Kapag may crush kang artista, pwede kitang ipakuha ng video greeting", pagyayabang ko sa kanya at sabay kaming pumasok sa elevator pababa.
"Talaga? Sige. Sa birthday ko, ihingi mo ako", abot-langit na ngiti ang ginawad niya sa akin.
"Speaking of birthday... malapit na ang birthday ko. Sama ka, ha? Kain tayo sa labas kasama sina Shawn", yugyong ko sa braso niya.
"March 10?"
He remembered!
Isang beses ko lang nabanggit 'yon sa kanya pero naalala niya.
"Hindi ako makakasama 'e. Uuwi ako sa probinsya namin 'non. Kasal kasi ng Tito ko 'e. Sorry, Clara", he said apologetically but I smiled at him.
"Okay lang 'yun. Let's celebrate on a different day. Pwedeng advanced or belated. Okay lang sa akin", I smiled again to assure him that it's fine.
Sa bahay naman ay napag-uusapan na rin ang tungkol sa birthday celebration ko. Gusto ni Mommy na magkaroon ako ng party dahil 18th birthday ko.
"Isn't that too late to prepare for? We only have a month left before my birthday, Mom", I said.
Hindi ko naman din kasi akalain na ganito pala ang gusto ni Mommy. Sana ay nagsabi siya nang mas maaga para nakapaghanda kaagad.
"That's not a problem, Clara. May pera tayo kaya kahit rushed ang preparations, makakaya pa rin. What do you think?", alok niya ulit sa akin.
I looked at Kuya Pancho who's just eating. Hindi siya nakikisali sa amin ni Mommy sa ganitong usapan.
"Ayaw ko. Huwag na lang, Mom", I said.
I don't need a party. I don't have anyone to invite. I only have a few friends and Troy won't be able to attend. I have acquaintances but I'm not really sure if I want to spend my birthday with them. My Mom's relatives will attend but we're not in good terms with them. Dad's relatives won't come, of course.
Kung magbi-birthday man ako, mas gusto kong ang mga taong kasama ko ay 'yung mga taong totoo sa akin. Hindi ko kailangan ng enggrandeng selebrasyon na puno lang naman ng mga taong hindi ko alam kung totoo o peke.
"Why? It's your 18th birthday", hindi na naman gusto ni Mommy ang desisyon ko.
"Ayaw ko ng party, Mom", ulit ko at kumain muli.
"What about a trip abroad? Kahit tayong apat lang or pwede ring imbitahan si Theo", saad ni Mommy.
Padarag na binaba ni Kuya Pancho ang kubyertos kaya nagulat kami pareho ni Mommy.
"Bakit hindi niyo na lang pong hayaan na magdesisyon si Clara?", halatang naiinis na rin si Kuya Pancho kay Mommy.
"Pancho, gusto ko lang namang bigyan ng magandang debut si Clara. What's wrong about that?", inis na sabi rin ni Mommy.
"Mom, hindi rin naman tayo makukumpleto dahil birthday ng asawa ni Daddy", I finally said it.
I remember Mom's story about my birth. Dad wasn't with Mom during her labor because he's with his wife; it's his wife's birthday.
"He's always with Winona on your birthday. Lagi na lang may celebration sa kompanya nila. Hindi ba pwedeng ikaw muna ngayon? Isang beses lang naman", inis na sagot ni Mommy sa akin.
"Tama lang naman dahil asawa niya si Tita Winona. Do you really expect him to be here on his wife's birthday?", Kuya Pancho fired.
"For his daughter, yes".
"Mom, ayaw ko nga. Okay lang naman sa akin kung wala si Daddy at hindi ko kailangan ng party. I can just spend my birthday with you and my friends", I said firmly.
"Pero-"
"Mom, pwede po ba? Let's all know where we stand in Dad's life", umalis si Kuya sa hapag at iniwan na kami ni Mommy.
Nawalan na rin ng ganang kumain si Mommy kaya ako ang naiwan sa mesa. Inalok ko si Ate Len na kumain kaya sinabayan na niya ako, siguro'y naaawa dahil mag-isa na naman akong kakain.
I went to bed with a heavy heart. It doesn't really matter to me if Dad will be here on my birthday. He has his ways to make-up for being absent every year on my birthday and that is already enough for me. Like what my brother said, we should know where we stand in Dad's life.
I feel like we're asking for too much. Daddy spends his time with his legal family only because it is needed but not because he wanted to. In fact, we're more fortunate than Sofia and Tita Winona because deep down we know that we are who Dad considers his true family and not Tita Winona and Sofia. I don't need a grand party nor expensive presents on my birthday. All I wish to have is a peaceful family.