Dan's POV
"Here we are." commented Oliver, when we arrived and all I had to do now was get out, ring the bell and run up to him. "Should I wait here?"
"No, no. I'll take the train back later. I think it'll take longer." I answered, to which he sighed deeply.
"You certainly have a lot to tell each other." he said meaningful, but instead of asking, I opened the passenger door.
"Thanks, Oliver. See you tomorrow?" I said goodbye.
"Yes, I'll pick you up."
We smiled at each other and I was glad we could still be casual with each other, but still I couldn't fully enjoy all this until I talked to Phil.
I slammed the car door, ran the little piece to the apartment building and pressed the bell next to Phil's name plate, while Oliver's car audibly started up behind me and drove away.
"Who's there?" came through the intercom and despite the distorted, electronic sound, I recognized his voice, which made my heart beat faster immediately.
Whatever I fooled myself into believing, I still loved him.
But that did not mean that everything I had planned to do was no longer realizable or not right. Phil might not have had to be the one, but he could be, couldn't he?
"It's me, Dan." I replied, and silence followed until the buzzer sounded.
I was climbing the stairs and suddenly I was incredibly excited, with each step more and more, until the excitement was brought to a head the moment I saw him. He stood in the doorway, holding it with one hand and the other rubbing his forehead as he stared at me with restless eyes.
"Holy shit, it's really you." he pushed out and lowered his arms.
I guess he hadn't really expected visitors, because he was wearing sweatpants and his star shirt.
He was finally standing right in front of me again and I didn't dare to move, because I thought I would die of a heart attack if I touched him.
Fuck, I loved him and my God, how could I ever love anyone else?
Inevitably I noticed how twelve months, during which I had beaten myself to the point that he didn't have to be the one, disappeared into thin air like mist.
It had to be him, nobody else and I suddenly felt so stupid that I really believed that therapy could have changed anything about it. It was much more so that just now, when thanks to it I was able to give him back some of what he had given me and just now when I was no longer the wreck that dragged him down with me, but I could actually be the one who could offer him the happiness he deserved, I wanted to be by his side a thousand times more.
Why should there be someone else for me when the person I owed the most to make him happy was right in front of me? When the person who knew me best, who was so close to me, and with whom I was so ready to reveal everything about myself to him, wasn't a meter away from me?
"Does that surprise you that much?" I finally reacted and smiled at him, while I still could see nothing but shock on his face. Wasn't he happy at all?
"No, I just didn't expect you to come here." he stammered and I landed hard on the ground of reality. How much could he have missed me if he didn't even expect me?
"If it doesn't suit you, I can leave. We can meet some other time." I suggested it, but Phil shook his head.
"No, it's fine. Of course it's fine, come on in." I accepted his offer, went through and stood in the spacious living room, which he had completely redecorated since I had last been here.
The light grey sofa had now given way to a sand-coloured and much smaller one, so that a larger table made of dark, shiny wood could be placed in front of it. The huge lamp had been replaced by a much more inconspicuous one and a rectangular carpet in different shades of brown separated the sitting area from the TV and other electrical appliances.
Nothing was the same anymore.
"Do you like the new furniture?" he asked.
"Yes, it looks really nice." I answered as I looked around. He still had some pictures of us standing around, which made me smile slightly.
"How are you feeling?" he asked cautiously as he walked towards the couch and sat down, whereupon I did the same. "What's it like to be out again?"
"Good. It's weird, but good. But I feel really good." I said. He smiled at me, and whatever this strange distance between us, this wall after all these months, had created for a few minutes, just melted away very quickly and unexpectedly, as did I.
The discomfort that I had wrongly feared for Oliver and me had briefly appeared for Phil, but the distance disappeared, mentally and also physically, as I moved closer to him.
He didn't back away, but he broke the eye contact, which is why I didn't dare to go any further.
"You look better than before, too. You're healthier." He realized and I nodded.
"Yes, I feel healthier too. I ate really healthy meals and did sports there. Do you believe that?" In fact, he laughed slightly. "Got some really good habits there, see how long I can keep them up. I'm in the mood for pizza already."
"You haven't had pizza?"
"No good one." I said. "Well, we could order one."
It was worth a try. He couldn't say more than no. I just wanted to be here and spend time with him. Maybe I could show him how much I'd changed and win him back. But Phil just kept looking at me until he looked down sadly.
"Dan, I-" he started and stopped just before he looked at me. His face right in front of mine. "I can't do this."
"Why not?" I asked.
But he didn't answer, just looked at me sadly, as if he couldn't answer me at all. My blood was pulsing so loudly in my ears that I thought I couldn't understand his answer, if he would give me one, when suddenly the front door opened and there was a jingling sound.
"I'll just put your key back in the kitchen, okay honey?" a strange male voice sounded and I froze, although my veins were burning with pain when I heard this name.
"Yeah, okay." Said Phil, who was now looking in the direction the voice came from. Shortly afterwards there was a big guy standing in the living room whose brown hair fell into his face in such a way that he stroked it back with his hand, seemingly annoyed, and only then looked at Phil and me questioningly.
"Who is that guy?" he inquired, so that the slight jealousy could already be seen in his tone of voice.
Phil got up and walked towards the stranger, put his hands on his hips left and right and gave him a short kiss. I knew that I should have suffered like an animal the moment I realized this, but I was so shocked that I just didn't feel anything anymore. It beeped in my ears and everything seemed to be somehow slower than usual, but the dreaded stab in my heart came only briefly, albeit violently, only to disappear just as quickly afterwards, leaving me now almost paralyzed.
I got up, wiped my slightly sweaty hands on my trousers and watched Phil as I headed towards them. Full of pity and some other emotion that I couldn't assign so quickly. He didn't seem to know exactly what to do either, so I just took it from him.
"I'm Daniel." I introduced myself and buried my hands in my pocket.
"John." The stranger explained.
"Dan is my best friend. He was gone for a while, but he's back now." Phil moved from his gaze and looked at me with gratitude, and I smiled for a moment. Fuck, this is uncomfortable.
"Nice to meet you." I said, looking into the clearly confused face of my counterpart.
"You too. But if you're Phil's best friend, how come I didn't know about you until just now?" he asked justifiably and looked over at Phil again, who looked at me like he was begging me to not tell anything about us.
"I was in rehab. Cocaine." I got to the point and Phil looked at me slightly shocked, but I didn't have anything better than the truth right now.
John's eyes got big and he just flashed a quick "Oh" in response.
"Yes, but he's better now." Phil added after he also seemed to recover for a moment from the shock of my clear statement.
"I hope so. Heavy stuff." commented John and I nodded in agreement. "And why didn't you know about me? Aren't you allowed to have contact or something?"
I looked at Phil, who looked at me pleadingly and I understood what he was trying to tell me.
"No." I did him the favor of stopping him from explaining himself. "It's the first time we've seen each other and spoken in a year."
That was true, but on a voluntary basis, given our history, which John didn't seem to know about and not because contact was forbidden.
"Oh, wow. Then you must be very happy that you are finally reunited again." John smiled friendly and even if he was really nice and made a sympathetic impression, I still had to force myself to smile back.
"Exactly." Phil agreed and in a desperate attempt to make us look like normal friends, he clumsily punched me against my upper arm. I laughed forcedly and John watched us with suspicious looks until a strange silence arose.
"So bring me up to date. How long have you been together?" I broke them and clawed the fabric of my jeans at my thigh.
"It's been a month or so. It's still fresh." he said, and I started to tense up.
"Cool. Congratulations, I guess." I tried to joke. I was still an actor, but for the last 12 months I've only told the truth, that I was beginning to lose my credibility. John seemed to buy it.
It wasn't me who was closer to him than anyone else. The thought that maybe the two of them were already as closely connected as Phil and I had once been tore me up inside much too much, while I became more and more aware of the significance of the whole thing.
"I should be going now anyway. Unpack my suitcase, all that shit." I lied to myself, knowing Phil wouldn't believe a word I said. "All sorts of friends are visiting after their long time in the hospital." I tried to make it sound more realistic.
"I can imagine." John understood.
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YEEEET.