Clarke slipped out of her bed and ran her fingers through her tangled blonde waves. It had been almost a month since she had and Wells had called off their engagement and almost two weeks since he had officially finished moving out. On a level, it was strange to not see his shoes haphazardly kicked off near the door or to find a variety of his ties hanging over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. They had been living together for almost a year after all and certain things, you just become accustomed to – but now that was all gone and she was starting over, again.
With a long stretch and a heavy yawn, Clarke got to her feet and made her way into the bathroom.
She couldn't really fault Wells for his thoughts about them ending their engagement, at least, no more than she could fault herself. Truth be told, she honestly hadn't been a hundred percent positive that they should go through with it either and though at the time she thought it was because of how jam-packed her head had been with thoughts and memories of Lexa, as more and more time passed, deep down she knew that it was because of exactly what Wells had said, they were very different people. It would have been a mistake – she could see that now and though at the time, getting engaged had seemed like a logical next step for them, in reality, it never would have lasted. It wasn't that they didn't love each other, because the love was most definitely there, it was just that in some cases, love just simply isn't enough and marriage was absolutely one of those cases. Love might have been something that could have kept them together, but it never would have been enough to make or keep them truly happy.
Exiting the bathroom and making her way into the kitchen, Clarke set her phone on the counter and started to make a cup of coffee. Though it may have already been getting pretty late in the day, coffee was still definitely necessary.
Part of her wished that she could blame their breakup on the fact that they were just that different, but really – deep down, she knew that it wasn't the only reason and though she absolutely did not want to acknowledge it, Wells was right – she was still in love with Lexa, however, admitting that meant nothing. It meant nothing and it changed nothing because that's basically what they were now – nothing.
Lexa had never responded to the text that she had sent her saying that space would be better and while on one hand she was glad, on the other, the radio silence kind of saddened her because it basically cemented everything that she had come to realize. Lexa didn't care. She simply didn't care and there wasn't anything that anyone could do to change that. She wasn't the person that they all had come to know and love back in college and perhaps the hardest thing to swallow was that maybe, she never was. Maybe all of the little things – the sweetest things that she remembered about Lexa were nothing but a façade. Maybe it all really was just a mask and she really was just a fool.
Dropping down into one of the kitchen chairs, Clarke blew on her coffee and took a small sip, humming her approval as the sweetened liquid burned its way down her throat and the wincing slightly as a pang of pain fired off in her head, only to then echo down deep in her chest.
In the time that had passed since coming face to face with Lexa again at her engagement party nothing in her life had gone the way that she had expected it to – nothing and now, she honestly just didn't really know what to do about it. Her head had become so regularly flooded, so – overwhelmed with memories of her and Lexa that now her mind and heart seemed to be constantly battling to see which one could possibly hurt more. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right, but then again, at least where she and Lexa seemed to be concerned – nothing ever was.
Leaning back in her chair, Clarke let her head drop back and gave her neck muscles a good stretch. That wasn't really true – not really anyway, because there had been a time where practically everything between her and Lexa was just so damn easy, unfortunately though, that was a time that felt like a lifetime ago and the people from it now felt like nothing more than ghosts, and how unfair it seemed that she now found herself constantly spinning with them and unable to stop the constant onslaught of their memories – caught somewhere in between remembering all of the amazing things about her relationship with Lexa and literally feeling her chest warm with every memory and finally accepting that Lexa wasn't exactly who she had believed that she was and feeling her heart crack a little more with every realization.
Suddenly another memory suddenly began to take shape in her mind and opening her eyes, Clarke couldn't help but grin as it came rushing back.
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Leaning back against the headboard and tucking the sheet up under her arms, Clarke let out and extremely contented sigh and smiled herself as she let her mind drift off while she waited for Lexa to return.
"What are you thinking about?" Lexa's voice suddenly filled the room.
Clarke opened her eyes and smiled as her eyes fell on Lexa standing in the doorway with two mugs clutched in one hand and a plate of fresh fruit in the other. "You," she answered in short. "Well, us really."
Lexa crossed the room and set the plate on the nightstand. "What about us?" She asked as she held out one of the mugs.
Clarke sat up a little further and took the mug. "Don't even think about getting back in this bed with those clothes on," she warned her firmly, but with an obvious undertone of sweetness.
Lexa grinned lightly and set her mug down before quickly stripping out of what little clothing she was wearing and slipping under the sheets. "So," she said as she picked her mug back up. "What about us?"
"Just how happy I am," Clarke replied as she scooted her body closer, "and about how right everything feels when we're together."
Lexa's grin widened into a smile. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," Clarke nodded as she reached across her and retrieved a strawberry from the plate. "I mean, I don't really know how to explain it, but from the first night we met I just felt like – almost like connected to you or something," she explained and took a bite. "But, you were just some stranger at a party..."
"A stranger that you kept spilling things on," Lexa cut her off with a chuckle.
Clarke laughed at the memory. "What can I say? I like to make an impression," she smirked, "and, in fairness, I might have been mildly intoxicated."
"Mildly intoxicated?" Lexa's eyebrows raised in amusement.
"Okay, extremely intoxicated," Clarke laughed and nudged her side. "Regardless, even wasted, I knew that I was safe with you. I felt it. It was like, I already knew you or something."
Lexa hummed and took a sip of her tea. "I think that I understand," she nodded. "I mean, I didn't even know you – but the second that you told me that I would take care of you the following day," she grinned and shook her head. "I just knew that given the chance to - I would."
Clarke smiled and pressed a light kiss to her lips before readjusting and cuddling into her body. "And you did," she said lightly.
"Of course I did," Lexa kissed the crown of her head, "and I always will."
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Clarke opened her eyes and bit back a whimper in her throat as her eyes glossed over slightly. "Always my ass," she mumbled as she got to her feet and made her way back to her bedroom to get dressed.
Exiting her apartment sometime later and slamming the door way harder than she'd intended, Clarke set off on what she hoped would be a nice long walk that would somehow help to clear her exceptionally jumbled mind. There was no correct way to put into words everything that she'd been feeling lately, but if she had to sum it up using only one word, well, that word would be lost because that was exactly how she felt. Just lost.
Everything that she had said from the moment that Lexa had reappeared had been true – everything. She had really missed her and their friendship. She wanted to be able to look passed what had happened at the end of their relationship and move forward being a part of one another's lives again, but now, she honestly wasn't sure if that was even possible. Granted, it was true that she was still in love with Lexa, but beyond that – she cared about her. She cared about her as a person – as a human being and to hear Lexa so firmly state that she would – without hesitation – hurt her so badly again, well, that just left a taste in her mouth that she wasn't sure that she could ignore.
Turning the corner, Clarke shoved her hands into her pockets and let out a sigh. The person that she had befriended in college and later fallen so desperately in love with had been gentle and kind. She had been quiet and sweet, albeit slightly damaged and yet, in her own way, strong. But the person who had left her and perhaps even the one that had come back in her place, seemed anything but. Had it all really just been an act? Under all of that was there really just this malicious and egotistical snob that was waiting for the right moment to show herself?
God, maybe she really had just been a blind fool.
After all, the night that Lexa left, she walked away like it was the easiest thing in the world and not just from her, but from everyone. In fact, the only person that had even seen her that night, other than Anya, was Lincoln and that was only because he had gone and sought her out himself. Everyone else though, Lexa simply ignore. She walked out of the apartment that night and didn't answer a single phone call or text message that followed – not from her or anyone else. She was just gone and she never once did she look back.
Shivering slightly, Clarke shook her head in what was so obviously a vain attempt to shake a memory from her mind.
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Clarke: I don't understand. Please, talk to me.
Clarke: Why won't u take my calls??
"I don't understand," Clarke sobbed into Octavia's chest as they leaned back against the couch. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't.
"Shhh," Octavia tried to calm her as she soothingly rubbed her back. "We'll figure it out."
"How is this even possible?" Clarke continued to sob. "Like, everything was fine. I just saw her this morning."
"What did she say?" Octavia questioned her carefully.
"This morning?" Clarke questioned and shook her head. "Nothing. Nothing at all. She was completely normal - everything was normal."
"No, I meant when she was here," Octavia clarified quickly. "About why she was leaving."
"I told you," Clarke sighed as she sat up some and pushed her hair out of her face. "She said that she'd spent her entire life preparing for this and that she wasn't going to pass it up for anything or anyone and that I should have known...I should have known that this would happen eventually, but how...how could I have..." she gasped as an ache rang out in her chest and a fresh rush of tears flooded her eyes.
"Oh, I swear to God," Raven seethed as she slammed her phone down on the table. "I am going to kick her fucking ass if she doesn't start answering her damn phone."
"Have you been able to get in touch with Anya?" Octavia questioned her as she not so subtly fired off a text with her free hand.
Raven gritted her teeth and shook her head. "She just said that she couldn't talk right now," she mumbled, looking highly agitated.
Clarke shook her head and picked up her phone again. There were still no responses from Lexa, but she had to keep trying.
Clarke: Please, don't do this.
"Maybe Lincoln will be able to get through to her," Octavia offered as she rubbed her back again.
Clarke looked up and thought for a moment. "You think so?"
"Maybe?" Octavia shrugged slightly. "I mean, they've known each other a really long time."
"And next to you and Anya, I would say that she's closest with him," Raven added quickly.
"Yeah, that's true," Clarke nodded as she buried her face in Octavia's chest once more. "I just wish she would answer me."
A couple hours later, when Lincoln finally returned, he somewhat resembled a brokenhearted teddy bear who had clearly shed his own amount of tears over the whole thing. Quietly he explained to them all that though he had managed to see her, he couldn't really get through to her and that Lexa had made it clear that while she loved them all and wanted nothing but the very best them, she had made her decision and it was final.
Clarke: Lexa, please...
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Turning yet another corner, Clarke shook her head and took a steadying breath before coming to an abrupt stop and feeling her eyes narrow and focus on something that she had not expected or been prepared to see.
There, sitting on a park bench with a highly anxious look on her face, was Lexa.
Clarke stood there for a moment, just taking in the sight. Something was obviously wrong – it had to be, judging by the steady bounce of her knee and the way that her jaw seemed to be working furiously. For a moment a tiny spark of concern attempted to ignite in her chest, but only a second later it was gone, being replaced by something somewhat darker and without thought, she found herself moving forward.
"Now, don't you just look like someone spit in your corn flakes," Clarke said as she came to a stop only a few feet from her.
Lexa's eyes snapped up quickly, but then instantly narrowed. "More like pissed," she replied quietly.
"Well, you know what they say," Clarke nodded as a slightly snide grin formed on her face. "Karma's a bitch."
"That is what they say," Lexa nodded as her eyes hardened. "Look, if you're here to give me shit, Clarke," she said as she got to her feet and squared her shoulders. "I'm really not in the mood."
"Me? Come on, why would I give you shit?" Clarke scoffed sarcastically as she rested her hand on her chest. "I mean, what possible reason in the world could I have to give you shit?"
Lexa opened her mouth to respond, but stopped suddenly as her phone began to ring in her hand and rather than responding, opted to answer the call instead. "Anya?"
Clarke rolled her eyes and shook her head as she crossed her arms but then slowly felt her brow furrowing while she watched the blood begin to drain from Lexa's face as her eyes widened and her jaw slipped open.
"Anya, what the fuck?" An oddly familiar voice suddenly boomed though the phone making Lexa swiftly pull it away from her ear and instantly end the call.
If something hadn't actually been wrong before, it was definitely wrong now.