"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."
– Harriet Tubman
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DAWNS POV
Dreams consisted of a multitude of components.
To dream was to squander in a place your mind considered to be safe, a place built upon the likeliness of your imagination, a place where the impossible was possible. It was a place where one wouldn't want to be disturbed, in fear of waking up. Keiji spoke lightly of the topic, as he was a dreamer himself and used to tell me all about his dreams. It only made me even more eager to get know what dreaming felt like. The only piece of advice he lent me was that to dream was to release the strain in your shoulders, to unclench your jaw, to dissolve the tension in your muscles and to let go of everything that was disrupting the scales of peace and destruction in order to maintain balance.
Yet, the scales in my mind were bent to the liking of my ruination. Peace was nonexistent, I was in a state of constant turmoil unable to find a safe place, which was also the reason why I was unable to dream. Simply because to dream was to do the exact opposite, as such it created a hurricane of devastation to wake up to.
I couldn't sleep.
I wanted to, but I couldn't. This time it wasn't because I was afraid of the nightmares awaiting me, it was reality that frightened me the most. I failed my teammates, I failed Naruto who was in an unconscious state, I failed Sakura who was likely alone and panicking. And most importantly, I failed Sasuke. Every part of me was aware of the red flags that I chose to ignore, I knew that somehow Orochimaru wanted Sasuke for a bad reason, I could've done something to prevent Sasuke from the pain he was in now. For some reason I was bestowed with abilities to see things others couldn't and yet I was still blinded by fear.
Or maybe it's because you didn't want to save them.
I did. It was all I ever wanted. I didn't care that my leg was broken or it hurt to even move. I just wanted them safe. For once, I wanted to be the one to save others. I didn't want to be the victim.
You were never the victim. It replied deridingly. You were the one who victimised others and led them to their demise.
I didn't want anyone to die. I didn't want anyone to leave me again.
Leave you? Please, they were running away from you. Maybe you should leave your teammates before any harm happens to them because of you.
That wasn't true. It couldn't be. I tried protecting them from him, I didn't bring Orochimaru to them.
Are you sure about that?
It's words lingered in my mind. The only connection I could make of Orochimaru was with Kabuto, but there was something else that made me believe that the connection they had wasn't what I made it out to be. That Kabuto was different, but nonetheless, I couldn't be ignorant. He knew who Orochimaru was, so he was the only option I had in finding out what he wanted to do with Sasuke. Why him? Why did Sasuke have to be targeted out of all people? Why-
"But they didn't say I couldn't harm you..."
My thoughts halted, the colour on my face disappearing in an instant. It wasn't possible... was it? No matter how much pain my body was in, the thought of my past making it's way to my present stroke such an intense fear within me. One that was the burning epitome of all my others fears, the very reason as to why I couldn't move on and why I was stuck to the past. Vengeance was always my goal, one that had a rocky path due to the obstacles I had yet to overcome. I was nowhere near strong enough to face my tormentors and the people who had destroyed and mercilessly slaughtered the men, women and children of my Clan. Rage was a distinct emotion that bubbled and stirred within me, rage much stronger than the monsters that scared me.
Rage was the only thing keeping me going.
Knowing that Orochimaru might be involved with the people that had wronged me, made me even angrier. They were despicable people who lacked humanity and empathy. Cold-blooded monsters who preyed on the weak at night. That was what the world consisted of, but I was determined to purge the world of those monsters and prevent anymore people from suffering the same fate as I have. Even if it mean I had to ensure that people were safe from me.
Taking a deep breath, my eyes fluttered open adjusting to the darkness of the sky and the small flame providing light. The moment I tried heaving myself up on my elbow, a cry of pain escaped my mouth as I fell back down.
"Dawn!" Sakura exclaimed in relief, rushing to my side. The blur of pink hair and worried green eyes took some time for my eyes to adjust to, everything seemed so disorientated and hot. My skin was slick with perspiration and I could feel the warmth of my breath on my face. "Please don't try getting up, it'll only hurt you to do so."
"But-" I rasped, a cough forcing itself out of my mouth. Immediately, Sakura placed a flask to my lips as I drunk the water greedily, despite it tasting slightly humid it provided relief to the soreness in my throat. "I need to help."
Sakura stared down at me in disbelief. "Help? You want to help?"
"Yes... that's what I said."
"Are you stupid?" She retorted, using some water to dampen the rag in her hand before placing it on my forehead . A small sigh escaped my mouth at the sensation, making me feel all the more tired. But I couldn't sleep, I need to stay awake. "You're running on a high fever, you're practically a walking heater. You have a deep wound on your right leg and your left leg is out of commission. I don't even know how you're handling the pain without any medication and yet, you want to help?"
Pain was nothing when I've endured it most of my life. In fact, out of everyone here I would be the most suitable to endure through it again if it meant the others were safe, because I had firsthand experience on not being able to give up when it came to the imposition of others. It wasn't just physical, but mental as well. Even now I wasn't able to escape from the internal pain, but I sure wasn't going to allow myself to slip into the misery and let it overwhelm me. I had to be strong in order to become stronger. Another reason was that I found a way to distract myself by reciting the names of flowers in alphabetical order, my mother was a herbalist, so not only did it distract me it provided me comfort knowing that she was essentially being the one to provide the comfort to me.
"I can handle pain." I mumbled.
"Yes I know that, but I don't think I can handle you being in pain." Sakura responded quietly, her words tugged on my heartstrings and for once I felt the hollowness in my heart fill up by the slightest.
She cares.. why does anyone care? I don't deserve any of it...
"You guys were amazing." She continued, hugging her knees to her chest as she leaned against the tree. "Naruto showed up like a hero, Sasuke forced his fears away and put on a brave face and you... you were fearless. You had been composed from the beginning and fought to protect us. Meanwhile, I just stood there and watched, I was- I was so... useless."
Her words stunned me into silence.
"I kinda figured that I was behind you guys in a way. There was always something about Naruto that made you believe in his words and Sasuke had always been strong from the start and continues to become even stronger. You were an entirely different story, no one knows everything about you and... I hate it. I hate that they don't know the person you are, the person I know. Everything about you is... amazing."
My mouth opened in disbelief, tears stinging the corner of my eyes as I looked away to hide my face. I never knew she felt like that, I never knew someone could think so... highly of someone like me. The more I thought about it, the more it overwhelmed me with emotions. With happiness. For once, I didn't dictate whether I was worthy of it. Sakura thought I was worthy of happiness.
"In a way... I kinda look up to you." Sakura chuckled sheepishly. "You made me realise that there was more to the world than the childishness I was so invested in. And because of that, I've realised my dream. I want to become a great Shinobi, someone who is strong and independent, someone who can protect others. Not only that, but I want to grow up seeing the people I care about achieve their dreams and be with them alongside as we try and live in a world built for survival."
That was when I saw it. The flicker of hope I didn't realise I still had burning inside of me feeding off the fuel it was given and expanding into a vision I didn't know I had. I envisioned a future where I lived alongside my teammates in the Leaf, I saw Naruto become Hokage, I saw Sakura become someone that others looked up to, I saw Sasuke carefree and not cocooned in his cold exterior, I saw Hitomi and nana behind the counter as her bakery flourished and expanded, I saw Kei and Kakashi with their beautiful child and I saw a completely different version of my self. Someone who I didn't know could even exist.
Could something like this possibly exist? A tear trickled down my cheek, which I didn't bother hiding. Could I really have something like that?
"I'm not fearless." I said after a while, slowly turning my head to face Sakura who was able to see the glossiness in my eyes and the true pain I was in. Her eyes widened. "I'm not brave, I'm- I'm not strong, I'm not the perfect person you make me out to be-"
"I'm not saying you are." Sakura interrupted, smiling softly. "That's something else I've learned, being perfect isn't something that you have to be. Being you is."
I found myself returning the smile, before turning my head to face the night sky once again. Tonight, the stars were brighter, brighter than they ever had been before. Sahiro said that the brighter the stars burn, the stronger the love of the people you care about became. By simply looking up at the stars, you were able to read the stories it told if you were looking the right way. The stories I used to be told burned away within age and became distant memories that were hard to reach, just like the memory of the faces of my parents. Their presence felt the same, but it felt like I was forgetting them. I didn't want to forget, I wanted to remember everything. All the times we had together, the good and the bad. Now all I saw in place was the faces of death and their dead bodies.
I suddenly remembered something, or someone. "Where's Jiro?" I looked at Sakura in panic.
Sakura blinked. "Uh... well, he said he had to go and gather a few supplies. He said he'll be back soon and to not worry."
A sigh of relief escaped my mouth. Sasuke and Naruto consisted of most of my worries, I didn't want to add Jiro to the list as well.
"How are they?" I asked, glancing at the bodies of our unconscious teammates, my gaze seeming to linger on Sasuke the longest. Or more specifically the mark on his neck that appeared to be bruised and swollen, his face contorted in pain as he withered slightly in his sleep.
The mark... the three tomoe...
Pulling my gaze away, I gritted my jaw, the anger I had for Orochimaru growing stronger within each passing second. He hurt Sasuke... How dare he...
"Naruto's doing fine, he seems to be healing quite nicely. It's a good thing Jiro caught him in time otherwise his injuries could've been worse, as for Sasuke..." A frown made it's way to Sakura's face. "There's... well... I'm not sure, his fever is high, he had exhausted his chakra and the mark on his neck appears to be putting him in a lot of pain. I don't think he's going to be waking up any time soon."
"Oh... I see..."
I could still hear his scream. The world had stopped and I thought what happened to Keiji would happened to him. I thought, that maybe, maybe I could've done something right and stayed true to my word. That Itachi wouldn't have to worry about his little brother any more than he already does. A blind person could tell from one glance that once upon a time, he had balanced the world on his shoulders and managed to keep his head intact.
That's not the only reason you're beating yourself over this...
"Sakura."
"Hmm?"
"I believe in you."
"W-What?" She stuttered in surprised.
I smiled slightly, my eyes drooping slightly from the fatigue. "I believe... that you can achieve your dream. You have... so much potential to be something great. You can do it."
"Dawn?"
"Hmm?"
She sniffed, wiping the corner of her eyes. "Thank you."
No, thank you... for not thinking I'm a monster...
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It's so warm.
Sweltering warmth, relentlessly beating down on my skin as I opened my eyes. My heart dropped, realising that I had fallen asleep even when I tried my best to do anything, but that. What confused me, however, was that I was conscious of the place I was in. The sky was a flawless blue, no cloud in sight, no rain, no thunder, just the blue sky and the round sun. Furrowing my eyebrows, I sat up staring wide-eyed at the endless plains of grass breaching out kilometres away with no tree or bumpy land in sight. Just grass and white roses for miles on end.
"Where am I?" I muttered to myself, able to stand up with no restricting pain in my legs from the wounds I'd sustained.
That was when I noticed that I wasn't wearing my usual clothes, but what I'd worn beforehand. A beautiful, white dress that flowed to my knees and had small flower prints that my mother had sewn in. It was my favourite dress and often I refused to wear nothing else. Lifting my hand in the air, I stared at my palm that was void of any callouses or scars, in fact it was much smaller and petite. So I was in the past at a younger age... ?
A smile made it's way to my face.
Was this a dream? Was I able to finally relax in a world that differed from reality with nothing but an endless sea of peace and calmness? That was all I derived from this place: ease. I was at ease and much younger. I was existing at a time when my future hadn't occurred and my body was desolate of any blemishes that reminded me of what had happened or the eternal hours I'd spent training. Maybe I could finally be able to rest for the first time in a long while? What could I do in a place like this? Could I make things? Could I- Could I see people?
I let out a laugh, spreading my arms wide as I stared at the sky. "I'm free! I'm free!"
My body twirled around in sync with the happiness coursing within me, I didn't dare to close my eyes in fear of disappearing from a blissful dream like this. Even if it was for a moment, I wanted to cherish this moment of a painless life filled with freedom. White roses were another one of my mother's favourites along with wisteria, whilst wisteria brought safety and protection, white roses attracted ease and chased away worries. And this place was filled with them.
Bending down, my fingers pulled one of the flowers from the roots as I closed my eyes. The scent drifted into my nose and for a second it was perfect-
That was when I realised, I closed my eyes.
A sense of fear travelled up my spine and set my veins aflame. Hesitantly, my eyes opened, cautious as I analysed my surroundings before a smile, once again, breached my face. Nothing changed, the sky was still blue, the flowers were still white and I was still free.
"Peaceful? Isn't it?"
I jumped, placing a hand on my chest to steady my heart as I turned around. There was a woman who I was shamelessly ogling at, not only was she beautiful she was familiar as well. She wore a sundress similar to mine and long blonde hair tumbling down her back in curls, yet her back was facing me and her front admiring the fields. It was almost as if...
My eyes widened.
"D-Do I know you?" I asked hesitantly, talking a small step forward.
"Yes, yes you do." She let out a giggle, one that sounded like music to my ears. "You know me very well, I hope you haven't forgotten about me. I'd be very sad if you did..."
"You would?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "Who are you?"
"Why don't you come and see for yourself?"
A shuddery exhale escaped my mouth as my small steps became long strides, my hopes raised up and my heart pounding in anticipating. So loudly that the tension building up was beating like loud drums in my ears. Only she wore that dress, only she sounded like that, only she loved the flowers as much as I did, only her hair resembled my own. It had to be her, it just had to be, there was no other person I had in mind.
"Mum?"
The moment I placed my hand on her shoulder, gently tugging her to face my direction the colour on my skin drained.
"What- What happened to you?!" I gasped in terror, covering my mouth at the sight.
It was horrible. Her face was burned beyond comprehension, with skin sizzling and peeling off, puss and boils covering her body and an open, gaping wound on her stomach where blood poured out and drenched her white dress, dripping to the ground as well. It was like she survived the aftermath of a deadly explosion and somehow remained barely intact. The horrid stench and the sight was enough to arise the urge to vomit everywhere. This couldn't be her- how could this happen?— why, who could do such a thing?
A smile made it's way to her face, one that made me release a shiver. Despite her terrible condition, she seemed happy, content even.
"Don't be scared." She said softly.
"I'm-I'm not scared." I stuttered, tripping over my words as I let out a small sob.
"Then what's wrong?" She frowned. "Why are you crying?"
"Because you're- you're not with me anymore." I cried, a river of tears flooding my cheeks and a hiccup escaping my mouth. "I'm sad, because you're in pain. Because this happened to you. It should've been me."
Her eyes hardened. "Don't ever say that. I don't mind being like this. I'm sad as well, sad that they took my princess away from me, sad that the flowers no longer bloom but wilt, sad that the skies are angered, sad that they'd taken my baby away from the world too early. But we're at peace now, we're happy."
"And you could be too..."
My eyes widened. "I can be happy...? How? The only way I can be happy is if you all are alive, but that's not possible..."
Something shifted in her eyes to which I wasn't able to identify. She smiled again, her bloodied hand touching my face as her thumb caressed my cheek.
"It is possible." She giggled. "Look."
I followed her gaze, letting out a shocked gasp. She wasn't admiring the white roses. No... she was admiring a field of bodies. Bodies that were all lined up, side by side, bodies that were in the same condition as she, all burnt to crisp and destroyed to the bone. It was all blood, ash and bone. The remnants of my family and Clan. Remnants of the Village I was raised up in, some whom I even recognised making me let out a disturbed cry.
"Why did you show me this?" I cried out.
"You asked me to show you how you can be happy again..." She grinned gleefully. "And the answer is simple: kill yourself."
I froze.
"Kill myself?" I whispered.
"There's nothing in that horrible world for you, right? You can end it so easily... and be happy with all of us. We can be a family again." Her eyes fluttered to the sky, her palm outstretched. "It's raining. How beautiful."
Except it wasn't rain that was falling from the sky at a mild pace, it was blood. Blood soaked into the field of white roses, turning them red. Mother had warned me if ever the liveliness of a white rose was disrupted, then something terribly wrong was occurring. This wasn't her, this wasn't my Mum. Nor was this a dream, I should've known that from the beginning. Yet, the naivety of my mind deceived me once again. I couldn't kill myself, not when I had so many things left unfinished. Not when I had people I didn't want to leave behind.
A part of me selfishly considered taking the easy way out. Death would stop the monsters in my head from devouring my sanity and making me feel like I was losing my mind. Death would put an end to the pain I was in. Death would ensure I could see my family and Keiji again. My happiness lied within death, but my heart would always wander the Earth with sorrow.
"We can't be a family again." I said numbly, my voice cracked as I stared blankly at the red roses. My once white dress was now drenched in blood.
Her eyes snapped towards mine in an instant, although there was a smile fixated on her face her eyes told a completely different story. Eyes not belonging to that of a stranger, but a foe.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"You're not her." I said fearfully, taking a step back and wiped my tear-stained face. "You're one of them. You're one of the demons. I won't listen to anything you say."
"Don't be silly." She laughed, but this time her laugh resembled an evil cackle, instead of the melodic tune I heard before. "The only way you could be happy is if you die. You will never be happy in a world like that, it's not meant for you. And it will never be meant for you. Join me, little bird."
Little bird.
My body paralysed in fear, turning a ghostly white as I stared at her- or rather, the owl. I wanted to wake up- please let me wake up, I don't want to be here, I want to leave—
The next thing I knew, I was falling.