Somehow, after my dad told me the whole story, my anger towards him started to fade away to almost nothing. Of course, it didn't fade away instantly as I still felt the anger for a few minutes after, but somehow my heart began to soften and knew just by looking into his eyes that he was telling me the truth. But more than being able to tell that he was being truthful, I could see the affection in them.
His eyes were filled with kindness and warmth.
My dad was currently giving a speech with the rest of the endurance riders, trying to motivate them for the new season and trying to get them hyped for what was to come. I'd heard of F3 but never in my life did I ever imagine I'd be standing in these stables.
I looked at him as he gave his speech, wearing a suit and tie and being all outgoing and extraverted.
We were total opposites when it came to our personalities. He was more extraverted while I was more of an introvert. I tended to be extraverted only with my friends and family, but elsewhere I was quieter and less social. Simply put, I was not a social butterfly going from flower to flower.
I had a feeling that these differences in our personalities were going to make this a rather interesting father-son relationship between us. Then there was the extreme sports and adventures he took regularly.
"So this season is going to be our season for sure! Keep up the good work and training hard! I know you won't disappoint me!" said my dad.
After, everyone gave a round of applause and I had no choice but to join in. I stepped out of the large tent and walked around the stables. I had a feeling my dad was going to be too busy to spend time with me. That was probably going to be another problem, the spending time together part since he was not only an endurance champ, but he was also the crown prince of Dubai. He had a life whereas I had no life. I knew I wanted to be an endurance rider and I had quite the experience when it came to riding horses, but I was not seasoned in endurance.
Then it suddenly hit me that I did not fit in this world. I was an outsider, or as the Japanese would call a non-Japanese living in Japan – Gaijin. So in a way, I was a Gaijin here.
I walked through the stables and looked at some of the horses. I felt at peace here, since I loved horses and animals in general. Though Cats and Dogs were my favorite pets and right now I was beginning to wonder what Oreo was doing.
"Faisal?"
"Futtaim?"
"Hey, what are you doing here all alone? Why aren't you over there with the rest of the crowd?"
"Nothing, I just needed to take a walk. Figured I'd look at the horses and relax."
"Sounds like you have something on your mind."
"A lot is on my mind. But I'm ok."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"It's nothing. It's stupid. But really, I'm fine."
"Nothing that's on your mind can be stupid. Come on, try me. I am your auntie after all."
"I'm good, don't worry."
"I know something's up. Come on, I won't take No for an answer" she kept smiling. "Come on, talk to me."
"Ok. I don't know if I will ever fit in this world. I grew up as a commoner, doing things for myself, doing my own laundry, cooking my own meals from time to time whenever my mom was pulling all-nighters at work and it was just me and my sister. Going out with my friends and hanging out with them freely. You know."
"I understand your frustration. In time, you'll be just fine. It's a different world I can imagine because like you just said, you're used to a different lifestyle."
"I am a total Gaijin here" I laughed.
"So you know Japanese?"
"Not really. I took a couple classes in high school and even learned to write in Hiragana and Katakana, even Kanji. But I never became fluent in the language. But that word completely stood out in being here."
"I won't lie, it'll take a while to get used to. But you have your dad, you have me and Maryam, your aunts and uncles, and we'll help you through it."
"Thanks" I smiled.
The horse standing next to me started rubbing its face on my arm. He was a brown horse and he was adorable.
"He seems to like you" my dad walked over.
"I'll let you two talk" Futtaim smiled and walked off as she adjusted her hijab.
"So I see you've met Blackie."
"Yes, he just started rubbing his face on my arm and he doesn't seem to mind me caressing his face either."
"He's a kind horse and one of our best horses here."
"Can I ride him?"
"Sure, but let's wait until the vet checks him out. He suffered a minor injury on his leg and I don't want to push him too hard."
"Ok, but it's him or no one" I smiled.
"For sure" he chuckled. "I was looking for you to introduce you to some of the other riders."
"Thanks."
"But I know there's something on your mind."
"It's funny, Futtaim could tell as well."
"She's good at detecting things. She's like a human lie detector at times."
"I can tell. She could tell I was lying when I told her I was fine."
"And she continued insisting?" he smirked.
"Yeah, pretty much. Until she squeezed out all the juice I had in me."
"She's definitely the type that worries when people don't seem like themselves."
"That's definitely sinking in."
"So your sister told me you want to get into endurance."
"Once upon a time in a far, far away kingdom, I did."
"Not anymore?" he raised one of his thick eyebrows.
"It's not that I don't want it anymore, it's that I don't think I have the stamina for it. I believed I could do it once, but as you know, my mom kept putting me down and even laughed at me when I told her I wanted to follow in hers and my grandparents' footsteps."
"I'm sorry, but not only did she not have a right to belittle you that way, but if that's what you want to do, then do it. Nothing and no one should ever stop you."
"I know you're gonna try and give me the motivational speech you just gave your champs out there."
"Is it working?"
"Oh yeah" I said and we both laughed.
"So you want to give it a try?"
"How about I think about it?"
"Ok, but don't give up on your dreams either. If you want to be an endurance champ, I can start you off in training."
"Let's wait until I sort my life out here. I can only handle one thing at a time."
"That's fine, but don't take too long" he kept smiling.
"I won't."
"So on a more awkward note, why don't we start getting to know each other some more?" he suggested.
"Sure, so I'm sure my mom already told you everything there is to know about me. Am I right?"
"Yes, but I'd like to hear them from you as well."
"Sure, but there are things I know about you that I learned from a distance, like the obvious you being an endurance champ and having your own stables, being a poet, and the extreme sports you're into that I will never try."
"Never say never. I might just convince you to go skydiving with me."
"Oh hell to the no!"
"Oh hell to the yes!" he laughed.
"No, extreme sports like that, forget it. I'll panic so badly I'll pass out in mid-air."
"I think you can handle it."
"You're an adrenaline junkie that much I can tell."
"I am. But what else do you wanna know about me?"
"Ok, what's your favorite food?"
"Lots of things" he chuckled.
"Ok, name one thing."
"Anything?"
"Sure."
"Pancakes and waffles are my favorite breakfast food. And I love coffee."
"I've seen your Snapchat and Instagram stories where you're roasting the coffee, then grinding it and doing the pour over method."
"I see you've done your research on me. I'm impressed."
"I've admired you for the majority of my life. I guess the bravery in your need for adventure, the poetry, and the endurance and horse stuff. You're one of the reasons why I became a poet."
"When did you start writing poetry?"
"I must have been twelve. I started reading your stuff online and I could really get a sense of how you were not just writing to write. Your poems have a deep meaning behind them and I can tell it's also your way of expressing yourself. I did it for the same reasons myself. It was one of the ways I could express my anger and sadness, my anxiety, my messed up relationship with my mom and how my own sister was more of a mother to me than my own mom ever was and how my dad was really my only parent."
Mentioning my mom and how messed up my relationship with her was, seemed to be hitting him hard. I could sense the guilt in his expression, how he wished he could have been there for me. It was that expression that assured me that he really did care about me, an expression he had shown me several times before but that I never really noticed because my anger toward him had blinded me.
I was regretting that, but somewhere in my heart I still felt anger. Not toward him but toward the circumstances and the people who stood between us.
"What's your favorite poem?"
"The one you wrote for Rashid, Kilmat Akhi, after he passed. I also saw the video and well, it made me cry."
"That was a hard poem for me but a subject I still needed to write about."
"I'm sorry."
"That's ok. I got through that dark period but I still suffer from his loss."
"It's never something you can get over. It's something that you have to learn to get used to and to live with."
"Such words could not be truer."
"Sadly. But why don't we get to know each other some more?"
"Sounds good" he smiled, beyond triumphantly. "Why don't we go with your uncles to see what they're up to and then we'll go get something to drink and snack on, wherever you want."
"Sounds like fun" I smiled. "I only wish this moment would have come sooner, rather than later."
"It's never too late to get to know each other" he smiled.
"True, but I wish we could have developed that father-son bond. The same one my dad and I had. I guess I'm still stumped that you're my dad" I chuckled.
"And I'm happy to have such a smart and handsome son who picks up after his old man."
"You're not old. In fact, you still look like you're in your late twenties or early thirties, though you're not even forty."
"Aww, thank you. It means I'm not getting old."
"Please, you look more like my older brother than my father. It's ok in your case because it means we can share a lot more together. My mom on the other hand, people often assumed she was my older sister instead of my mother. It pissed me off to be honest."
"Why?" he gave me a curious look.
"Because I think my mom knew she was still really young looking and beautiful, and she clearly took advantage of that. I mean, I have to admit she still looks like a girl in her late twenties or even early thirties. She flaunts herself because she knows she's beautiful" I said, really getting fired up inside now. I began to remember the one time my mom denied me as her son.
"She's always been confident and beautiful" he smiled, clearly having different memories of her than I did.
"Well, she denied me once as her son."
"What?!" he frowned. "What do you mean she denied you once?"
"After what happened to my dad, my mom and I were at the market and she ran into a friend of hers, a guy, and long story short, he assumed I was her younger brother since she's still quite young looking and definitely did not appear to be the mom of a then seventeen year old. So as I was about to clarify I was her son, she told him I was her annoying younger brother who was always following her around."
"She did that?" he gave me a look of disbelief.
"Yeah, as much as you want to believe your old flame is this sweet non-superficial girl, she was definitely ashamed to say I was her son."
"And what happened?"
"I got really mad. I lost it and as she continued with her conversation with him and finally told him I was her son and blew her whole charade. She got really mad at me. So mad that she did not buy the groceries for that night's dinner and she even slapped me so hard that she made my nose and the inside of my mouth bleed really badly."
"She did that?"
"Yes. She was driving and telling me I had ruined her chances of starting her life all over again with another man, since the man apparently cut it all short after I told him. I was just sitting there while she cussed me out in English and in Spanish. And believe me, cuss words in Spanish are way worse. I argued back since I was angry, and then she slapped me with the back of her hand and so hard she almost lost control of the car and a cop gave her a ticket."
"Wow. I cannot believe your mom went that far."
"And she went a whole lot father. I arrived home with blood all over my face, my hands were drenched and my sister freaked out. And when my mom tried to make me look like the bad guy, I told my sister and she got really mad."
"Your sister has always been there to defend you."
"Yes, she has. Even more so then because I was underage and had no real options. But that night she told me she was glad she did not buy groceries and told me she was going to let me starve and she did. But my sister instead ordered food for us both, against her wishes. She would never let me starve."
"I'm so sorry. I never imagined your mom would have ever done such a thing to you" his guilt took a turn for the worst as he began to cry.
"I guess you can now understand why I'm such a spitfire" I tried to joke, but it did not sway him to smile. Instead, he became more emotionally exacerbated.
"I'm sorry son. I never imagined she was that way with you" he reached over and hugged me, and I hugged him back. "I thought she would take care of you for me!"
It was the warmest hug I have ever felt. I felt him shaking and his heart beating faster. I cried along with him, feeling my own guilt for how I treated him and for not initially being open to the idea of him being my father.
He tenderly kissed my neck and my head. Hugging me so tightly it was as if he was afraid I was going to disappear.
I decided I was going to embrace this moment. I was going to embrace the fact I still had one parent that still and cared about me the way my dad did.
"I'm sorry too!" I said through teary eyes.
***
Hey guys, here is another upload. Sorry again for not posting on Monday. I didn't get a chance to fully edit as things got in the way and I will explain, so please forgive me if there are any mistakes.
As for the recent delay. So on the last update, I mentioned I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. Sadly, it's gotten worse and it has contributed to a lack of sleep this past week. I've had so much anxiety. In January my cousin was killed in a mugging and that was very difficult. Then the pandemic hit, and in April my grandpa also passed away and it hit us even harder.
Now that I am homebound and out of work as a result of this pandemic, it has also contributed to a lot of anxiety as I have not a whole lot to do and now the past is causing me pain and anguish. I am so sorry for this sad note and right now I am crying as a result because it's been so much to handle.
I will be taking a break for a little while. I have no idea when I will be back but I will continue this story at some point once I get my emotions sorted out. I wish I had better news especially to all of you who have been there for me. Please forgive me for this spontaneous decision. I hope you are all staying safe and please continue staying safe.
I want to give a special thanks to monica_727 sheryl365 JumbledSymphony syrishmoonlight SophieQH Jemialia9 . You guys have been awesome and I thank you 🙏🏻
I hope you all understand my reasons for this decision and when I return I hope to be in a better and stronger place than I am now. You guys have been my rock and I hope you will understand. Thank you again and for the support you all have given to me.
Love you all
Johnny