Phil's POV (a few hours before)
Dan was gone. After I had unsuccessfully searched for him in the surroundings of his and our apartment, I ended up in the middle of the city center, near a central hub of Londons light rail system.
My heart had been beating too fast for at least 20 minutes, but I just couldn't calm down. I slowly gave up hope of still finding him, so I stared thoughtfully at the light of the light rail, realizing that the train that was going towards Oliver would arrive immediately.
I stood between the crowds of people waiting for the arrival and shortly afterwards I pushed myself into the way too crowded train.
My pulse accelerated further when I saw the suspicious glances of the inmates, a few young people who probably recognized me and the idea that someone could address me in my current condition and that I had to pretend that everything was fine almost drove me crazy.
With every minimal braking of the train, people fell against me and I gradually became claustrophobic, just wanted to get out, wanted to see Dan, wanted to know that he was fine.
I reached the station from which it was only a few minutes' walk to Oliver's apartment, and yet I ran those few minutes myself, otherwise it would take too long.
When I arrived at the front door, I rang the doorbell, was finally let in, and burst into the building, whereupon I ran up the stairs and a short time later burst into the apartment, watched by a shocked Oliver, whom I almost pushed aside.
"Holy shit, Phil! What the fuck? What's going on?" Oliver understandably wanted to know and I turned to her frantically.
"Dan- He is-" I started and only now realized that my breath was not enough.
"Hey, calm down, or you'll be hyperventilating." He said, causing me to close my eyes and take a deep breath.
"Dan ran away."
"How ran away?" He asked confused. "Did something happen?"
"No, nothing happened. He said he wanted to get some things in his old apartment, but he never showed up. I couldn't join because I had an appointment and now he is no longer on the cell phone. I was in his old apartment, but he's not there. He's so fucked up all the time! What if he does something to himself? Or getting drugs? Or both? Shit, I have to find him. You have to help me, I don't know, I'm so scared. I'm so scared!" I started talking and didn't even notice that the person I was talking to was looking at me completely confused and probably understood absolutely nothing of what I was saying.
Only now did I register how I was trembling all over and watched Oliver put his hands on my shoulder.
"Calm down. Don't assume the worst. You have to tell me everything in peace, otherwise it won't work here, okay? Come on, let's sit down."
I looked silently into his green eyes and waited for him to tell me what to do, although he probably knew as little as I did. But at least he was able to deal with the situation more clearly.
"Okay, so what happened exactly?" He asked again and I felt that I simply didn't have the nerve to report to him in detail.
"Dan is gone, I don't know where, I can't find him. Nothing happened, nothing that comes to mind spontaneously. Except from last week where he just ran away and something has changed since then, but I was hoping it would go away and just be because of the withdrawal. But what if there is more. Worse."
"How worse?"
"He is so broken and empty, I think. Worse than in America, worse than in the hospital. As if he no longer feels anything, you know?" I explained and heard my voice shake as I spoke. "And I know what he was like in front of the hospital. It can't get any worse than that, can it?"
"Maybe it's just a side effect from the tablets. Maybe we should have read better what they do." He continued to think logically, while I was emotional as always.
"When he left it was as if he was saying goodbye." Suddenly I noticed and I noticed how Oliver swallowed hard. "For the last few days since the incident, I had the feeling that he was getting farther and farther away from me and earlier it was as if he had just given up and that scares me so badly."
Without saying anything, Oliver listened to me and his face grew more and more worried, so I lost hope that he could really help me.
"You have no idea how often I see him in front of me, how he came out of the bathroom when he overdosed and how I was with him in the hospital every day and when the visit was over, sat at home and almost would have gone crazy. I think about it so often because it was the worst time in my life and if I lose him because of the same shit, then-"
"Phil." Oliver replied so softly that it contrasted so strongly with the roaring anger in me that I could hardly understand him. "As I know you, you just started blindly to look for him, but logically think about where he could be."
For a few moments I scraped together every clear thought I could find. And in fact it suddenly seemed so clear to me who could help me.
"Tyler."
For some reason I couldn't figure out, Dan always turned to him when things got weird between us. Dan probably thought that Oliver wouldn't advise him what he would like to hear and that he wasn't the right place to go for the problems he was having.
I jumped up and dug out my cell phone, ignored the blackness spreading before my eyes, and stood up. I couldn't just sit.
"He's 100 percent with Tyler." I said, and Oliver looked at me in confusion.
"Tyler? The Tyler? Why should he go back to him?"
"Because he always runs to him somehow. I don't know, but last time he was there too. Somehow everything repeats itself." I explained when my knees softened and I slumped a bit.
"Everything okay?" Oliver asked, but I couldn't recognize him because of the black, I couldn't hear him with the roar in my ears.
"Yes, I have to go. I must-"
"Phil, I think you should lie down for a moment." he advised me, and shortly afterwards I felt a strong hand on my upper arm that kept me from falling to the floor.
"No, I don't have time!" I resisted weakly, even though my body clearly signaled how the last few days had dragged me and pulled me. Dan's withdrawal symptoms, the ongoing struggle for his trust, and his emotional escapades had cost me tons of strength, without my having even registered it.
I just couldn't do it anymore, and that became apparent when I needed it the least.
"It doesn't help if you go like this, Phil. You will fall within the first ten meters." Oliver appealed to my reason, but I had no energy left to contradict when he was already dragging me into the bedroom and on his bed.
"Don't worry, everything will be fine. Nothing happens to Dan. Now close your eyes."
I tried to stay conscious. But the sound of Oliver closing the door behind him was the last thing I could remember before my perception blurred.
I don't know if I passed out or actually fell asleep from exhaustion, but when I woke up it was getting dark.
My feet touched the wooden floor by the bed and only now did I notice that someone had taken off my shoes. I immediately put them back on because I knew I wouldn't be able to stay here much longer.
"Fuck, Daniel, where are you? We worry. Call me." I heard Oliver's voice, which seemed to be speaking on Dan's mailbox.
Still a little shaky on my feet I left the bedroom, whereupon I only noticed how annoyed Oliver threw his cell phone on the couch and ran his hand through his hair.
"Phil, are you better?" He asked immediately when he saw me and took a step towards me.
"Yes, I'm fine." I waved off. "You still don't know where Dan is?"
"No, he doesn't answer."
"Then let's go to Tyler now." I announced resolutely to rule out any protest directly. This time I would not let myself be persuaded again, no matter what.
"Fine." he agreed, picking up his cell phone from the couch.
It was pouring rain when we got to Tyler and got wetter every second we waited for him to let us in.
"By the way, thank you for coming with me." I said, which is why Oliver only responded with a warm smile.
"Of course." he replied and before we could have continued the conversation, the door opened and I turned suddenly in the direction from which Tyler looked at us, unsurprised.
"I thought you would come over." he greeted me and only seemed to notice afterwards that I wasn't alone.
"Who is that?" He asked uncertainly.
"Oliver." I replied and he nodded understandingly, whereupon he let us into his apartment. I ignored the fact that I was noticing how Oliver would have liked to beat up Tyler, but he should save that.
"Why did you think that? Did you speak to Dan?" I started straightforwardly, looking around while hoping to find Dan somewhere. Oliver was currently ruffling his drenched hair to at least expel some of the moisture and seemed visibly surprised that it looked neat and clean here. He must have been prejudiced, just like I was before I was here.
When I finally heard Tyler's deep sigh as a sign of a reaction to my question, I interrupted my plans and turned to him.
"Yes, I did." he said reluctantly.
"Where is he?"
"I have no idea. He asked me earlier to meet him and I left immediately. But after we talked, he left me with nothing and I couldn't follow him as quickly as I would like. "
"And you didn't even think it was necessary to let me know? He's been gone for hours and I had no clue where he could be. I almost die of worry and you meet him, talk to him and don't even tell me about it? I hope you realize that it may cost him his life, that you didn't tell me anything!" I snapped at him furiously and felt again how the strain on my body threatened to get too big.
"I really didn't feel like you could do anything about it at the moment. Yes, this time I don't think he would have even really let you go. I don't think anyone could have saved anything. It actually sounded more like he didn't want to have anything to do with any of us."
"What are you talking about? What were you talking about? Did he maybe give you any clue where he was going?" Asked Oliver, who probably didn't understand as much as I did.
"No, but he told me what was going on in his head." he replied shortly and I tried to look in his eyes to see if it was as bad as I secretly suspected.
"What's going on in his head?" I asked the question anxiously and looked at Oliver. I think we both just realized that it was worse than we thought.
"He's afraid that you could hurt him, that he has turned the tables now." Tyler explained, and I couldn't get rid of the feeling that something had happened between the two of them, that he was knowingly hiding something from me.
"I don't understand a word." I replied confused.
"It is also completely irrational. Anyone else who sees the two of you together knows that you would never hurt him. But he doesn't recognize that. All that matters to him is that he will lose control if he opens up to you. And he probably needs it too much to be able to really have a relationship in which it is necessary to give the other some control over you." He said and what he said made more sense, then I wanted it to do.
"Are you trying to convey to me that Dan can't have a relationship? What are we now, hobby psychologists?"
"I'm just telling you what we talked about." In the end, he told me and I swallowed hard.
"We should call his doctor." Oliver explained and I noticed that the idea wasn't that stupid. Dan might have contacted him if he still had a hint of reason in him, which had assured him that he would always be available in emergencies before he would relapse.
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wha do you think will happen? can they save dan, again?