WARNING: NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, MENTION OF DRUGS
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Dan's POV
I restlessly walked through the streets with my hood pulled up and over my face so that nobody would recognize me and to protect myself from the rain. London weather.
It was late and I shouldn't be walking here alone, but I didn't care. I didn't even know exactly how I ended up here. A few minutes ago I was with Phil, standing in the kitchen with him and doing the dishes, until I suddenly felt that I had to get out. Get out of the kitchen, the apartment, the world.
Maybe that's why I was so restless. There was an exit from the apartment, but not from the world. Phil had protested, wanted to join me, but I just shook him off. I think I even yelled at him. Did we have an argument?
I remembered Chris' birthday about a month ago. I remembered well how my dealer had sold me cocaine before Oliver picked me up to go to the party with them. I remembered Phil asking me to stop using drugs. That he told me, he had no regrets. How can he not regret?
I remembered how I left and was determined to leave everything I had behind me. How Phil had followed me and tried to keep me from leaving with Tyler but hadn't made it. That he wanted to tell me that he loved me but I didn't want to hear it.
I didn't know why I was thinking about all of this, but I did. As if I wanted to reconstruct how I ended up here. Not a bit better. Would it ever get better? Am I ever gonna be okay?
There were moments in my life when I was convinced that eventually everything would be fine. That I would get clean and have a normal relationship with Phil. But lately all of this has clouded over and I realized that it would never get better. Not after everything that happened. There was no happy ending.
It wasn't a movie. Phil's love wouldn't save or fix me. The problem was beyond repair. I had to learn to live with all of this and I didn't know if I would ever do it. And being with Phil, seeing him take care of me only made things worse.
Suddenly a car stopped next to me and because I knew directly whose car it was, I stopped. The door was opened from the inside and I immediately recognized Oliver looking at me wearily.
"Get in." He said softly but firmly and since I was honestly tired and no longer wanted to walk around the area without a hitch, I easily followed his request, which seemed to ease him, but suddenly his eyes filled with worry.
"Don't you want to go?" I asked after a while. The engine was on, the wipers were working and it was warmer in his car than outside. Warmer than inside of me. And suddenly I realized how tired I was. I was tired of everything, in every possible way, but I just wanted to sleep right now.
"Where do you want to go?" Asked Oliver and I looked up, whereupon I swallowed hard. I didn't want to see Phil. But at the same time all I wanted was to see Phil. And at the same time I just wanted to stay in this car with Oliver and be in the middle of London on the street. I felt my eyes fill with tears because the longer I couldn't formulate an answer, the more confused I became and the more afraid I was of what my hesitation was supposed to mean.
"I don't know." I answered after an eternity and looked at Oliver, felt a warm tear leave my eye, whereupon he swallowed hard, took a long breath and finally put his hand on my shoulder.
"Did something happen? Phil is worried. Why did you just go?" He asked gently.
"I don't know." I answered desperately, trying to suppress a sob. I looked at Oliver, but then immediately out of the window. I felt more and more tears find their way down and a short time later I didn't even try to hide it anymore.
"Hey, Dan." Said Oliver sympathetically, more sympathetically than I had ever seen him. God, everyone tried so hard to help me.
"I'm such a fuck up." I sobbed quietly to myself.
"Hey, no. Dan, it's all good. Nobody is angry with you. I understand you."
"You understand me?" I asked almost aggressively, too harsh, and looked at Oliver again. I moved too fast, felt my head turn, but I ignored it.
"No." he said honestly. "I don't understand you. I don't think you understand yourself. But I understand that I don't understand you. I understand that you are afraid, that you are confused. That you are in pain and act impulsively."
I chewed on the inside of my cheek so as not to break out in an unstoppable howling cramp. I didn't turn to the window again, instead stared straight out of the windshield and felt Oliver's hand still on my shoulder.
"You're not a fuck up, Dan. You're a little lost, yeah, but you are not a fuck up. You are trying to get it all back. And you will make it, okay?"
How could Oliver be so sure of that? I wasn't sure at all. I was absolutely sure of nothing. But now I just wanted to go to bed.
"Can you drive me to Phil?" I asked sometime and Oliver nodded of course. The drive was not long, ten minutes at the most, but we spent this ride in silence.
When we stopped in front of the building where Phil and I lived, I sat for a while and just stared out of the window. I don't know how to explain to Phil what was wrong with me. I didn't know it.
But a feeling of fear spread through me. Afraid of what was going to happen because I didn't feel that anything would get better. After a while I opened the door and turned back to Oliver, who nodded at me.
"I love you, man." He said when I got out and I swallowed hard.
"Love you too."
Oliver didn't start his car until I entered the building. It felt so much worse at night when your steps bounced off every corner. As quickly as I could, I ran up the stairs and opened the door with my key, whereupon I stood in the hall a short time later.
"Daniel?" Came Phil's soft voice from the living room and a short time later he was already in the hallway, whereupon he ran to me relieved and took me in his arms. I let myself fall into them, buried my face in his neck.
"I'm sorry." I murmured softly as I started to cry again. I could no longer control my emotions and wondered whether it was due to withdrawal or just me. Maybe I was just broken.
"It's okay. Nothing happened. Everything is good." He talked to me reassuringly as he stroked my back.
"You're not mad?" I asked as I pushed away slightly from him to wipe my now wet face, whereupon Phil just shook his head and put his hand on my cheek.
"Are you okay?" he asked and I asked that myself too. But I wouldn't be able to be honest and rob him of the last nerve, which is why I only nodded slightly and he smiled at me calmly.
"I don't know what was wrong with me. I just had to get out, it felt like I was suffocating." I was at least a little honest, while Phil took off my wet jacket and hung it on a coat hanger, where it could now dry.
"Panic attack?" He asked suspectly and I just shrugged. "Come on, let's go to sleep. It's already late."
I nodded in agreement, just longing for the warm bed and sleep. Phil asked me to lay in bed first, which I did, whereupon a little later he came into the room with a water bottle and held it out to me.
"Drink up, buttercup." he asked me, which I did with a little smile.
A short time later he was lying next to me and I snuggled into his chest, heard his heartbeat, felt his proximity. I was still upset, though I hoped I would find peace here with him.
"Never do that again." He said suddenly, stroking my hair and I just nodded. I couldn't promise anything, I didn't even know if I could try. I was too agitated to know anything.
"I love you, Dan."
And at that moment I knew that he wanted nothing more than to hear the same from me. To have a confirmation that I couldn't give him. I loved him, fuck, I did, but I couldn't tell him. There was a barrier between me and these words. I couldn't pronounce it.
Because the last time I said those words, with that meaning, to anyone, I was just as unsure and agitated.
I leaned up slightly, turned to Phil and he looked at me so expectantly, but I couldn't meet his expectations. So I just leaned over to him, giving him a gentle kiss that might tell him what I couldn't put into words. When we broke away, he just looked at me gently, whereupon I snuggled back and he pulled me closer and I finally found a little bit of peace.
The next morning, the lukewarm water hailed down my frozen body, which was so freezing cold that I couldn't even feel the cool tiles on my back. I sat in the shower with my knees drawn up, listening to the sound of the water sounding so much louder than usual.
My senses were sharpened, my consciousness expanded.
The blood flowed through my veins, waking me up and alive, but I suppressed weightlessness and waited for the inevitable moment when I felt like I was weighing tons.
Everything became faster, clearer, before it became slower and sluggish. I felt drop by drop on my bare skin until it went numb. My feelings have been numbed.
"Dan? Hurry up a bit, you have to be at the doctor in thirty minutes!" Phil called to me and his voice reminded me of good times that had passed. I pulled my legs closer to my body and rested my chin on my knee while my hair was slowly but surely getting completely wet.
Yes, I should get up now and finally take a shower so Phil could bring me to my therapy, but I so much preferred to just sit here.
Forever.
After I had overcome myself, I got out of the shower, dried myself, and put on fresh clothes when my eyes fell on the toilet lid and I reached for the bag lying on it in awe.
I stowed it in its hiding place, where it had been waiting for me for the past few weeks, and examined myself one last time in the mirror.
Deep dark circles, pale around the nose, dilated pupils.
Phil wouldn't notice.
I turned the key in the lock on the door, left the bathroom, and caught Phil waiting at the front door. He smiled at me and held out his arm to pull me by the hand and kiss me. Slowly he let his fingertips circle on my neck as we kissed, and I sighed softly as my hairs rose.
Everything was so much more intense, so much more conscious.
I no longer felt pain, only cold. Constant freezing.
But that was okay because there was something that was giving me support and now all I had to do was wait for that support to become as strong as the one Phil's love had given me and its closeness still gave me. As soon as the time came and I was able to manage without these things, I was able to leave him.
No longer being with a man whom I loved but who I couldn't give what he deserved.
"Come on, we have to go." he breathed after he could pull away from me and pulled me out of the door.
But I wouldn't go to the doctor.
As soon as he drove home again, I would turn around and go somewhere else.
Because the doctor would be able to determine what I had done.
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ha, did you really think it is going to get better? yeeeeee!
i love oliver. he's my new favorite character. i gave him character development guys.
what do you think about this?
do you like this chapter? i like it because of the emotional aspect. :)
i love you. stay safe.