"I know I could lie but I'm telling the truth
Wherever I go there's a shadow of you
I know I could try looking for something new
But wherever I go, I'll be looking for you
Some people lie but they're looking for magic
Others are quietly going insane
I feel alive when I'm close to the madness
No easy love could ever make me feel the same"
****
Holmes Chapel.
11, August 2019
34 days to the wedding.
Noelle
I've put my engagement ring on my finger. Where I can see it every time I look down and where it can remind me I'm about to get married to a wonderful, loving, caring man.
I've put it on my finger after I spent the entire day after the night out laying in bed, completely motionless, to the point Hannah got really worried about my mental sanity - that obviously was missing since I almost kissed Harry.
I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to shout but I couldn't, all my emotions where coming down on me and I didn't know how to let them out so I just shut the word out and lay still, the entire day, hugging one of the pillows.
Hannah convinced me to not call Thomas and not tell him. There was no harm done in her opinion, and I know nothing really happened, but I felt dirty, awful... A cheater and it messed with my head. Badly.
I went over what happened the night before over and over again, re-thinking about every single word that left my or his mouth, and how I could have ended up almost kissing him.
I could blame the alcohol running in my veins and clouding my better judgement, but the reality was I know I wasn't drunk enough to not know what I was doing.
Re-thinking about his words only made me angry.
I'm in... What?
I knew I was wrong for what I was about to do if someone didn't stop us, but what was his excuse? Did he know a single, stupid, meaningless kiss could have ruined everything for me? It could have jeopardised my enter relationship with Thomas and my wedding. Why did he come so close? Why did he watch me that way? Why knowing I was drunk he didn't stop me? And what about the girl he claims to be so in love with? At this point, I don't think he's even able to love someone besides himself.
I'm in...
Can he? No. Of course not.
That's when I started blaming him. He is selfish, spiteful and clearly doesn't care about anyone but himself or I wouldn't have been in that situation. He was trying to mess with my head again, he was trying to ruin everything for me like he did every time I was happy with someone because he couldn't bear the thought of not being the centre of my word. He just wanted to be the main character in my life because he was used to it and he'd clearly do about anything to get that place back, even make me turn into a cheater.
I'm indisputably trying to ruin your relationship. That's what he was probably trying to say.
Yes, I know it takes two for some things, but blaming him is easier.
I'm confused, in case it wasn't clear enough. A lot of thoughts are clouding my mind and I don't know what to do.
And this point, it's clear I still have some reminiscent feeling for Harry.
And admit it to myself, made things even worse. Because I can't. It's not normal.
I love Thomas. I know I love him, and some of you may think I'm just being stubborn because if I love Thomas as much as I say I wouldn't have almost kissed Harry, right? Well... You're so damn wrong.
I love Thomas deeply, my heart beats faster when I think of him and I feel safe and happy whenever he is around. I'd about anything for him.
But
My heart beats faster when Harry is around and I feel safe whenever I'm with him, and again: I' do about anything for him.
That's just crazy, right? I officially went mad. I can't have feelings for two people at the same time, can I?
I'm sure what I feel whenever Harry is around it's just a ghost of what I felt when I was younger and naive, eventually it will fade away, I just need to calm down and put distance, for real this time.
He didn't reach out for me, and I'm honestly glad he didn't. I'm not in the right state of mind to talk to him, I don't want to face him and what almost happened. I just know he popped by the hotel we stayed the morning after to bring Hannah's shoes back, nothing else.
Hannah is right, it was an error, nothing really happened, I can't keep thinking about it. It's no good.
I just need to breathe. Everything will be fine.
"Fuck. It hurts like hell!" Mae whining voice brings me back to reality and I blink, shifting my gaze on her body as she lays on her tummy on the tattoo artist's table.
"It's not that bad Mea, don't be a baby." I chuckle back as she twists her face in a grimace of pain and gives me the middle finger, "Hey now, bub, you asked for it."
"I’d like to see you in my place" she mutters, looking at me badly.
"Been there, done that." I smile back, "But actually I was thinking about getting one as well... Do you think you can manage it today, Seth? It's nothing to complicated or big, just a word."
It's Mae birthday today, and we started the day getting up early and driving to Manchester without my dad knowing. I left him with Carter - he decided to stay in London a bit longer since this weekend we are flying to Las Vegas - and we brought Hannah with us.
"You want to get another tattoo?" my best friend asks from the armchair beside mine as she flips some newspaper pages.
"Yeah... I was thinking about it." I reply, keeping my eyes on Seth and Mae.
"I can manage it, just tell me what you want," Seth says, cleaning Mea skin.
"It's just a word: hiraeth. And I want it tattooed here." I say, pointing the side of my left boob, "Think you can do it?"
"What does it even means? I never heard it" Mae says, turning her head to look at me.
Hannah shuffles beside me, taking her phone out of the pocket of her shorts and types quickly, " Hiraeth: is a Welsh concept of longing for home, which can be translated as 'nostalgia', or, more commonly, 'homesickness'. Many Welsh people claim 'hiraeth' is a word which cannot be translated, meaning more than solely "missing something" or "missing home." To some, it implies the meaning of missing a time, an era, or a person. It is associated with the memory of missing something or someone while being grateful for that/ their existence." She reads, looking up at me, after. "Noelle... "
I bring my hand up to stop her and sigh, "I really like it. It just fits, you know? With my life, my mum and..."
Harry.
"Other stuff." I had quickly, scolding myself mentally.
Hannah hums, giving me side-glance before turning her eyes on her phone, "I like it."
"We are done here," Seth calls, while Mae sits up straight on the table.
I stand up and walk beside her with Hannah, looking at my sister back. The little angel drawn on the left side of it, making my eyes water. "It's beautiful, Mae," I breath out, taking my phone out of my pocket to snap a quick pic of it.
She smiles up at me and stands from the table, walking to the long length mirror on a side of the studio and looks at her back, "I love it, Seth. Thank you."
"It was worth a little pain, wasn't it?" I joke and she sticks her tongue at me, making me and Hannah laugh.
"Let me just grab clean needles and do a little sketch, then we can start," Seth says after he put a bandage on Mae's tattoo as he stands from his chair and starts to clean around.
"Can you do it freehanded? Or with my handwriting?" I question.
He thinks about it for a second and nods, taking a paper and a pen, "Write it here, I'll copy it."
"Awesome." I grab the paper and make my way to the desk near the table to write.
"You sure about this, Nonó?" Hannah rests her side near me, and speaks softly, "Are you doing it for the right reasons?"
"Yep," I nod, taking the paper in my hand, "I need something new, with a meaning."
She nods and rubs her chin as she looks at me, "And the other stuff you we're talking about... It's not what I think it is, right?" she arched her brows.
"I don't know what you are talking about." I defend, stubbornly as I fold my hands over my chest.
She hums and throws her arm over my shoulder, giving it a squeeze, something that she has done a lot lately, "I'm here."
"I know." I smile widely, resting my head on her shoulder.
"Okay, I'm ready whenever you want." Seth prompt, "Take your t-shirt and bra off, I'll give you something to cover up." He instructs, looking around for something.
He hands me a sort of dressing gown and shows me the bathroom so I can get changed.
Ten minutes later I'm lying in my side on the table, Seth bent over me is disinfecting my skin as Hannah and Mae watch from the armchairs.
"Okay... I'll start now, it shouldn't sting too much, but let me know if I hurt you." He claims softly, waiting form me to nod.
I close my eyes as soon as I feel the needles hit my skin and frown at the slight pain.
When I open them again, Mae is standing in front of me, her phone held up," Whatcha doing?"
She grins," Instagram story, say hi sis."
"Hi, sis" I mumble, closing my eyes again.
"Someone is asking what are you getting." She says, after some moments of silence.
"A simple word." I sigh, twitching in pain. "Ouch... Who asked you anyway?"
"Harry." She shrugs, turning around as she types in her phone.
My eyes flicker from her to Hannah who is already looking at me as she bites the side of her lip.
"He is off to somewhere and can't be here today, saw my story and texted me happy birthday and was curious about the tattoo you are getting and asked if I got the one I wanted." She says, popping down on the armchair.
He will not be here today. I can breathe again. All morning part of my head was stuck on the thought of having to face him since Mea was having a little get together at our house, but luckily I didn't have to.
Now that I think about it, I don't even know when or if I will see him again. I'm flying to Vegas this weekend and he is not invited, I was meaning to invite him as part of Thomas entourage, but after our last fight and the fact I didn't add his name back on the guestlist for the wedding - and I won't do it - I didn't do it. Hence, at this point, I don't have a real reason to see him or reach out for him. And it should make me feel reviled, right?
"Of course he wanted to know." I just mutter, shaking my head and closing my eyes again.
Why he seems to everywhere I go?
Two hours later, we are in my car and I'm taking one last turn before reaching my dad's house. After I paid for mine and Mae's tattoo we made a stop at a Costa coffee for a little snack and mopped around the shops to do a little shopping before I drove us back home.
"Who's that car?" Mea asks from the back seat.
My dad's car is in the driveway, parked behind his there's Lily car and In front of the house - on the street - there's a black Mercedes I've never seen before.
It can't be Harry, right?
"Dunno. Never seen that car, before." I answer, giving Hannah a quick side-glance as I park my car behind Lily one - she practically lives here anyway, I'm sure she won't go home tonight.
"Remember Mae. If dad asks, we just went shopping." I remind her, turning the engine off, "If dad finds out about your tattoo, he'll kill us."
Mae nods solemnly and Hannah chuckles, taking her seat belt off and opening the car door, "I can't wait for when he catches you, cause he will. We all know he will." She chuckles devilishly sending me a wink.
My best friend is a bitch.
I love her.
Mae grabs the bags near her and climbs out of the car while I give another glance to the unknown car and hold my breath... It can't be him.
Closing my eyes I rest my head on the headrest of my seat and exhale loudly, running a hand over my face as I fell my heartbeat increase and my eyes sting.
If this is the effect the mere thought of seeing him has on me, what will happen when I'll actually see him?
Get your shit together, Nonó.
The door on my side of the car is cracked open and I jump in my seat, opening my eyes.
"Hi, baby."
I let out a shaky breath as my eyes widen and my mouth falls slack open, "T-Thomas?"
He smiles widely, stretching over my body to unbuckle the seat belt and take it off of my body. "W-what are you doing here?"
I wasn't expecting to see him until this weekend, we were supposed to meet in Vegas. He told me he had work to do and couldn't make it for Mae birthday.
I was supposed to have more time.
Hair trimmed, bread growing and loving smile, his eyes sparkle as he looks at me while I launch myself in his arms, snuggling my face into his neck and let a few tears fall from my eyes.
"Wanted to surprise you. I took the week off, I'm not going back to work until after Vegas. Missed you, my love." He coos me, closing his arms around me and lifting me up from the seat as he helps me out of the car without stopping holding me close.
Is it possible to not understand how much you missed someone until you're in his arms?
"Missed you too," I mumble, whipping my eyes and looking up at him. And it's true, I'm not lying. I really missed him and having him here in making me feel incredibly happy and utterly terrible at the same time.
I should tell him.
He bends down a little and presses his lips on mine, kissing me softly as he hands leave my back so my feet can touch the ground again and he can cup my face, running his thumbs over my cheek as I kiss him back.
Safe. Thomas makes me feel safe and loved.
"Ohi, lover birds stop snogging each other and come inside." My sister's voice makes out pull away from each other and smile when he rests his forehead against mine.
"Bought her a vintage Prada bag, think she'll like it?" he asks in a whisper.
I pinch his side, squinting my eyes, "Must have cost you a fortune Thomas, you know I don't like it" I scold him, making him roll his eyes, "But she will. She'll probably ask you to marry her."
"Too bad I love her sister." He smiles, making my heart flutter.
See? I love him.
"Too bad," I reply, standing on my tiptoes to leave once the last peck on his lips before turning around and starting to walk to my house.
Maybe I don't need to tell him. Maybe Hannah is right. I just need to forget about it.
The living room of my dad's house is covered in pink balloons and pink birthday banners. Mae is standing in a corner of the room wearing a plastic tiara and a pink feather boa. Carter is near her, with Cece on his shoulders and Hannah is sprawled on my armchair as she and my dad chat loudly.
"Oh, Nonó, thank God you're back. We need a hand in the kitchen."
We?
Before I can reply she takes my hand and guides me to the kitchen, urging me to follow her.
"I don't know what I did wrong but the frosting for that your sister cake is... Strange. I used your recipe but honestly, I don't know what I did wrong." She rashes out as we step into the room.
I told them to order Mae's cake at the bakery, but Lily was adamant to do it herself, said she wanted to try and do something nice for my sister since she didn't know what present buy her.
That's the result.
"Oh Nonó, dear. How are you?" Anne is standing in the kitchen counter, a warm smile appearing on her face as soon as she sees me.
I almost kissed your son. I have mixed feelings for him. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.
"I'm good, Anne. How are you? Is Gem here?" I smile, telling the lie I'm so used to at this point.
"Sadly she couldn't make it today. But she told me she's looking forward for your bachelorette party." She answers, looking straight at me.
It’s like a stab in the heart, Harry and Anne look so much alike that I feel like I'm watching him.
Inhale.
"You two are sure you don't want to come?" I ask for the millionth times shifting my gaze from Anne to Lily.
The second one nods and Anne chuckles, "Yes, dear. I'm way too old for Las Vegas, you go and enjoy yourself."
Exhale.
"Okay," I nod, walking beside her, "Let's see what the problem is" I look down at the bowl with the frosting and my face twists in a grimace of horror.
It has lumps.
"Did you let the butter soften before doing this?" I ask, moving the spoon around the frosting to have a better look.
When I don't get a reply, I look up at Lily, her eyes are wide and filled with amusing guilt. "I forget to take it out of the fridge yesterday night, but I thought it was the same thing."
I shake my head and laugh, "No, it's not. We have to remake it."
"God... I'm so clumsy in the kitchen. Should have ordered the cake like you said." Lily mutters, twisting her fingers.
"No harm done, Lily. Don't worry. It will take just a few minutes if we soften the butter in the microwave." I smile, trying to cheer her up.
As she takes the butter out of the fridge, I get rind of the previous frosting and wash the bowl.
"So, Harry told me you two saw each other in Cancun," Anne says, making me froze.
That fucker.
"Uhm-..."
"Harry was in Cancun?!"
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I turn around quickly following the sound of the not so pleased and see Thomas standing in the middle of the kitchen, eyes pinned on me and arms folded over his chest.
I may or may not have decided to not tell him about Harry in Cancun at all, too afraid the details of our encounter could have slipped out. Clearly from the way he is looking at me, I made the wrong choice.
"Uhm... Yeah. He was there for his music video." I mumble, feeling a shiver run down my spine.
I can feel Anne's and Lily's eyes on us, but I don't dare look away from him.
"Did you know he was going to be there?" he asks, his tone accusing.
"What? No. Of course not." I spit back, mirroring his position by folding my arms over my chest in defence.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and Anne smiles softly at me when I look up, "We'll give you two a bit of privacy."
Rolling my lips inside my mouth, I give her a short nod and bring my eyes back on Thomas, waiting for the two women to leave the room.
"Why didn't you tell me he was there?" He asks, as soon as we are alone, running a hand over his face.
"Cause there was nothing to say. He popped by the hotel one afternoon and asked me and Hannah to go see the shooting of his video clip. Nothing more." And I almost kissed him but that is just a little detail.
Liar.
"Why don't tell me if it wasn't just that?" He presses further, walking to the counter and resting his closed hands on it.
A strangled scream leaves my mouth and I shut my eyes for a second. " Are we back on this? Seriously?! I told you there is nothing to say about it. Nothing happened! Do I really need to tell you every little detail about my life? I can get you a memo of all the time I'll pee from now if you want!" I spit put, feeling my hands tremble and my eyes water. I'm doing what I always do when I feel cornered. I get angry.
Liar.
I can't breathe.
Thomas blinks, shocked by my outburst but squints his eyes on me," Why are you getting so defensive? It was a simple question, Noelle. "
"No, it wasn't. You are assuming something happened just because I didn't tell you he was there. I feel like you don't trust me every time Harry is involved."
And you are right.
He scoffs, pinching the bridge of his nose, "It's not you I don't trust Noelle. It's him. Doesn't it seem weird to you that he is anywhere you go,? London, New York, Los Angeles. He even pops out of nowhere in fucking Cancun and you spend the day with him."
"Hannah was there too. It wasn't just me." I say, matter-of-factly.
"Sure. Like he is interested in Hannah," he growls under his breath.
I feel like air it's been just knocked out of my lungs, so I swallow, trying to get rid of the suffocating sensation, "You don't know what you're talking about, Thomas. That's insane."
"Is it?" he asks, pinning his eyes in mine.
I tremble, trying to find the words to speak but I don't know what to say at this point. Harry's isn't interested in Hannah, that's for sure, but he neither is in me. Harry Styles never wanted me the way I wanted him, and surely he won't start now.
"Yes, it's insane. You need to stop with this no sense, Thomas. You can't tell me you're sorry and then act like this. It doesn't sit right with me. Or you trust me and believe I love you, or we'll have a serious problem. Harry Styles is nothing but a friend. End of the story. "
Liar.
He opens his mouth to talk but Hannah and Carter appear on the door, stopping him.
"Is everything alright? " Hannah asks, looking at me.
I arch my brown and point at Thomas, who has still to move his eyes from me. "Does it look like everything is alright to you?" I ask back, running a hand through my hair. "I- I can't be there right now. Excuse me."
Liar.
I don't give them time to reply but quickly walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs, slamming close my bedroom door when I'm inside.
Liar.
I reach for my desk drawer and take out the pack of cigarettes and lighter I keep there, immediately bringing one to my lips and lightning it as I open the big window beside my bed.
I should have told him the truth. He deserves it. I'm a horrible person and a horrible fiancée. He doesn't deserves an almost cheater wife.
Taking a deep drag from the cig I sit on the windowsill, closing my eyes as I exhale.
This is too much. I can't breathe. This is not who I am. I always know what I want, I'm never confused about it. I don't lie, I don't hide things. I speak with Thomas about anything and he does the same. Our relationship is based on trust and respect, and I just ruined it.
I take another sharp drag, feeling my eyes sting as they water and jump a little when I hear a knock on my door.
"Leave me alone." I scoff, stubbornly.
I should know my dad is even more stubborn.
He enters the room and gives me a death glare when he sees the cigarette in my hand. "Thought I told you to not smoke in your room, young lady."
"Thought I said to leave me alone," I answer, without missing a beat.
He sighs, walking to me and seat on the other side of the sill, "What's happening, Nonó? You don't look good."
Because I'm not.
"Nothing. I'm good, everything is fine. Can you leave me alone now, please?" I sniffle, not sounding believable at all.
My dad takes my cigarette from my fingers and takes a drag before giving it back to me, under my shocked stare, "Thought you didn't want..."
"Mine the house, mine the rules." he stops me. "What's the matter between you and Thomas?"
"Nothing," I say again, folding one arm around my waist as I look out of the window and take another drag. Harry's window there, taunting me.
"Bollocks. Talk to me, Noelle."
Another strangled scream of frustration leaves my throat. " There's nothing to talk about! I'm good! I just want people to leave the fuck alone for a minute! I can't breathe, I can't think. Leave me alone! There's always someone or something to do. I'm never able to stop and think. Luanne, Thomas, the wedding, the restaurant... " Harry "I- I can't breathe dad. Leave me alone, please... Please leave me alone. I- I can't... "
I don't know how or when, but I went from talking loudly and quickly to sob and cry as I try to gather as much air as possible to feel my lungs, my dad's arms wrapped around me.
"Sssh, Nonó, sssh" He coos me as he keeps me close, my breaths quicker and shorter, my panic now clear. "Hun, it's okay. Breathe. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."
Taking my face in his hands he whips my cheeks and leaves quick pecks on my cheeks and forehead, "If you feel like it's too much, take a step back. You don't have rush anything, Nonó."
"No dad, I-..."
He shakes his head, "You nothing. Since you were 18 and even before you worked your ass off to achieve what you got now, and you never gave up. It's normal to need a minute sometimes, Nonó. You're human. It's normal to feel pressured and to feel like you can't breathe but you have to know, whatever you do, whenever you need, your family has your back and we love you. If you feel like it's too much, come home, turn off your phone and talk to me, I'm here. "
I nod, wrapping my arms around him and snuggle my face in his shoulder," I'm so confused dad. I feel lost."
"Do you want to talk about it?" he whispers, running his hand over my hair.
No, not yet.
"Not right now." I breath out, taking deep breaths, "I'm sorry."
"No need, hun." he smiles, pulling back. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it."
"I'm sure... I just feel a bit under the water lately." I breathe out, running my hands over my cheeks to dry them.
He tilts his head and gives me a knowing look, "Has Harry anything to do with this?"
"How... What?" I look at my hand, noticing just now the cigarette is not there anymore.
"Threw it from the window. You'll go grab it later." he says, sternly, pointing his finger at me, "And I'm your dad, I know everything. Plus, Thomas and you weren't exactly quiet back down."
I look away, feeling ashamed, "I don't know."
"You still sure about the wedding?"
I don't know.
"Yes, of course." I force a smile, "I'm sure about Thomas." that's not a lie.
He nods and stands up, grabbing my hands, "Why don't you go wash your face and come down, uhm? Your sister wants to open her presents and Thomas looked like a lost puppy."
I have to apologize.
"Okay..." I breathe out, feeling still a little dizzy.
My dad waits for me as I wash my face and we step down the stairs together, he still holding my hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze from time to time. When we reach the end of the stairs, he comes to a halt, making me look up at him, his eyes fixed in front of us.
Oh.
Our front door is wide open and Mae is hand in hand with a girl as she brings her in. When she looks up at us, I can clearly see her gulp as her eyes shift from me to our dad.
"Dad... This is Sabine... My girlfriend." She declares, holding her chin up as the brunette near her waves at us.
Guess she decided to tell him.
"Hi, Mr Evans," Sabine mumbles softly, her cheeks red.
I look at my dad, completely frozen and back at Mae who is already looking at me, fear clear in his eyes.
I give my dad's arm a tug and he looks at me, opening and closing his mouth.
"He already find out about the tattoos? Told you!" Hannah booming voice makes me snap my eyes at her, standing in the doorway of the living room.
"Hannah!" Mae and I shout at the same time.
"You two got a tattoo?!"
I gulp, looking at my dad who now has fully recovered from Mae new.
"You're grounded. The both of you." He says, pointing his finger to me and my sister.
"I'm 25 and I don't live here, you can't ground me." I scoff, looking at him.
"As long as I'm alive, I can ground you and I will," he growls back and then smiles at Sabine. "You won't see Mae next week, she's grounded. But welcome into this crazy family, Sabine."
Mae pouts for a second, but a big smile forms on her face when my dad leaves my side and walks to them, giving a quick hug to Sabine and then turns to her, pulling her in a bone-crushing hug as he said something in her ear.
I catch Thomas walking my way with the corner of my eye. He stops in front of me, his eyes bloodshot, sign he has been crying just like me.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, searching for my eyes.
"No, I'm sorry," I whisper back. You don't know how much. "I love you." you don't know how much.
"I love you." he wraps his arms around me and pull me closer to his chest, "No more fighting, please."
"No more fighting," I promise, even if part of me knows that's just another lie.
I promise I'll try to give you my best, even when I'm at my worst.
****
This was a damn roller-coaster. I honestly feel drained.
Are you ready for...?
I really hope you are! I will probably update another time this week cause I'm so excited and honestly can't wait.
Let me know your thoughts, leave a comment an a vote, it means the world to me!
I hope you liked the chapter and the story is still keeping you interested!
All the love,
Didi