In accordance with Evil Magician Law and the tradition of Venetian glassblowers, Portlanidian dragontamers, and Swedish chefs, all highly flammable operations must be located at a safe distance from other human activity. Preferably with a body of water surrounding the premises.
Which meant another trek through the mud in the dark with the chatter and music of the Games melting into the nightly song of the forest—a symphony of rustling leaves, hooting owls, and amorous crickets.
The trip was made interminable by two problems: 1. The slimy, sulky amphibian formerly known as Prince Derek wriggling around between her breasts and 2. Druscilla's fashion choices. The voluminous pink skirts—which were roughly the circumference of Mount Dolorem and the weight of a house—encumbered every step. Imagine trying to hike in a medieval forest in such a contraption. Also, Ashley's neck ached from holding up the fifty-pound beehive wig. And though Ashley had slept for years beside a fireplace, waking each morning covered in ash, pigeon poop was an entirely grosser substance and made her gag every time the realization that she had it caked onto her face burbled to the surface. Okay, some of her best friends were pigeons, but it didn't mean she wanted their excrement on her face.
"You're lucky Druscilla's face was so badly burned she needed to wear that ... uh ... foundation," Layyin said as if reading Ashley's mind.
Ashley frowned. "It's poop, Layyin. And I don't want to feel lucky about it right now. Maybe later."
"Don't you think it's ironic that you're impersonating a shapeshifter?" Layyin said, pushing a low-lying branch out of the path so that Mount Ashley could pass.
"Thanks. And yeah, I suppose it's ironic. Just wish my stepsister liked lighter-weight, more breathable fabrics and less of them," Ashley said. "Stop that!"
"I'm just trying to make conversation," Layyin said defensively, continuing to spin her spear.
"Not you. Him," Ashley said, reaching into the bodice and relocating Derek firmly in the center. "Stay still."
"Easy for you to say," Derek ribbited. "You try hanging out in a crevasse between two fleshy globes!"
"I'm a lot bigger than you at the moment, tiny frog prince."
"Tell me something I don't know," Derek complained.
"What'd he say?" Layyin asked.
"He doesn't like his seat on the Ashley chariot."
"Maybe there's a pocket in the skirts. You could relocate Derek there," Layyin suggested.
"Skirts don't have pockets," Ashley said.
"Did you look?"
"No, because everyone knows that."*
"Think about it. Druscilla is a magician. She would probably want a place to hide her scrolls and amulets and vials of insta-death."
Ashley wrinkled her brow, and a flake of makeup drifted down her eye line. "What's insta-death?"
"Just made it up. If I were an evil magician, it would be a potion I'd have on hand."
"Layyin, can I just say the world is a safer place without you being a magician?"
"You can, and you can also check for pockets. Humor me."
Ashley rolled her eyes and began searching the endless yards of fabric. She felt something hard and stiff bump against her thigh and sucked in a breath.
"You found something?" Layyin said, with an I-told-you-so grin.
Ashley extracted a heavy, bejeweled dagger—rose gold with pink diamonds on the hilt and a creamy square of parchment with Druscilla written across the front. "Wow."
Layyin reached for the note. "What's it say?"
Ashley held it up to her forehead. "It says, 'please use this dagger to cut my throat on our wedding night. Love, Charming.'"
"How do you know that?"
Ashley shook her head, opened the envelope, and read.
D—
Use this dagger to cut his throat on your wedding night.
Love,
D
"You weren't that far off," Layyin said.
Ashley gasped. "Do you know what this means?"
"That Druscilla was going to kill Charming, but now we sent her away, so we get to do it?" Layyin guessed, practically vibrating in her armor.
"It means that Marveloni is using Druscilla to take control of the Seven Kingdoms. Once she marries Charming and becomes Princess of all the Kingdoms, and Charming dies, she will be the ruler of all. And Marveloni will most likely be the power behind the throne."
"It's a brilliant plan," Layyin said. "But why kill him with a dagger on their wedding night? Why not do it with poison in a month or two, so Druscilla doesn't get implicated in the murder?"
"Not sure," Ashley said. "Maybe it's to send a message to the people. Like, don't mess with us or else. Or—"
"Or what?"
"Maybe they plan to lay the blame on someone else."
"Like who?" Layyin said.
Ashley gulped. "Like us."
"I'm not worried. Stop worrying. You look like a worried little puppy."
"I look like a zombie queen with a crusty white face melting off, not a puppy. And how can I not worry? They have magic, remember? Big, dark, brutal magic."
"But ..." Layyin said, poked Ashley's poufy shoulder with the blunt end of the spear "... they have to be alive to use magic. And soon, they'll be dead." Layyin giggled. And not in a nervous way. She giggled like a child about to eat a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. (No nuts or cherries because everyone knows those are gross.)
"You scare me sometimes, Layyin."
"Are we there yet?" Derek piped up, squirming.
"Do you see a tent?" Ashley said.
"How can I with all this flesh?" Derek said.
Ashley shuddered. "He won't stay still, and it tickles."
"Put him in the pocket," Layyin suggested.
"With the knife?"
"Would probably keep him still," Layyin said.
Ashley peeked down at Derek. "Hold still, or I'll transfer you to the pocket where you can take your chances with the dagger."
"When I'm human again, you will regret threatening me."
"If you don't stop wriggling, you'll never be human again. Because I will toss you into the nearest monster-infested moat."
"I'm a frog. Wriggling is in my nature. No fair punishing me over that which I have no control. Also, good luck finding a moat around here."
"What's he saying?" Layyin asked as they approached a granite outcropping. The wind moaned and howled as it whirled around the rocky pinnacles. It wasn't the most reassuring sound.
"He's saying that he'd like to go for a swim. How are we going to get over those peaks?"
"Climb?" Layyin suggested.
"How will we do that when you're in a metal can, and I'm in a circus-tent of fabric?"
"Come on. It'll be fun."
Twenty minutes later, Ashley and Layyin made it over the sharp rocky crag, Layyin's armor scraped and dented, Ashley's skirts shredded, her hands bleeding.
"See?" Layyin said.
Ashley wiped her bloody hands on her sleeves. "At least the dress design is improved."
Beyond the rocks, encircled by an impressive magical moat filled with serpents and sirens, loomed Marveloni's traveling lair. The monsters peered above the moonlit surface, glaring at Ashley and Layyin. A narrow bridge, made of what looked like human bones, seemed to be the only way across the moat. A bevy of men, in what appeared to be dragonskin armor, lurked directly across the bridge.
"Wow, creepy. This place is ... perfect," Layyin breathed. "Wait, what's that smell?"
"Evil magician stench," Ashley said. "Burnt metal, burnt body parts, burnt offerings. Don't you recognize it from Marveloni's lab in the garden?"
"This smells different. Worse."
"It's a traveling lair, so he probably doesn't have a sophisticated air purification system set up. Magical byproducts are most likely tossed in the moat to feed the monsters."
The monsters spewed forth a series of hoots, growls, and piercing screeches, causing Ashley's heart to beat so loud, it almost drowned them out. Almost.
"What's happening?" Derek said. "Your heart is beating so hard I can barely hear myself think."
"We found your moat," Ashley stuttered.
"You lie," Derek said.
"See for yourself."
He poked his little green head out from her bodice, and without saying a word, burrowed down to her waist.
"Maybe there's another entrance?" Ashley suggested.
Layyin grabbed her arm. "They can't hurt us if we don't fall in."
"What about the guards?" Ashley said.
"You're disguised as Marvy's daughter, remember?" Layyin said. "We'll say hello to the guards like we own the place."
"So, you're suggesting we should walk across that bridge of bones?" Ashley said.
"Unless you can fly."
"Where's a dragon when you need one?" Ashley griped.
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Ashley took a single tentative step onto the bone bridge, making it rock. Ashley gasped and grabbed the bone railing, her blood turning to ice.
"Keep going. Don't look down," Layyin said.
Something cold and slimy wrapped around Ashley's ankle. "Aaaaarrrgggghhhh! Let go!" She looked down, despite Layyin's warning.
A furious siren looked back at her. "Can't you read?" the siren taunted, pointing to a sign floating in the moat.
Ashley kicked, trying to dislodge the siren's grip. "Let go of me, and I'll read it."
The siren complied, but not without a final painful squeeze.
Ashley read: "All trespassers hereby grant Evil Magician permission to extract any body parts required for potions, demon sacrifice, monster kibble, and/or general evildoing. Frogs welcome."
"Gnarly," Layyin said, "but whatever. We accept."
"We do?" Ashley chirped.
Monster tentacles brushed against Ashley's legs as she passed, but she held her breath and kept going.
"Who goes there?" growled a guard as soon as they had made it over the rickety bridge of horror. "Oh, Your Royal Highness," the guard said, bowing deeply, as Ashley got closer. "I didn't recognize you for a moment. What hath happened to your gown?"
For a moment, when he called her Your Royal Highness, she thought he recognized her as Ashley, and her stomach dropped. But then she realized he was referring to Dru.
She cleared her throat, preparing to speak in Dru's voice. It wasn't hard for her to imitate because she'd been the victim of her stepsister's harsh screechy derision for years.
"This gown is the newest fashion, and I am not pleased that you are implying otherwise." The guard cringed. "Move aside. I am here to see my father."
The guard stared at Ashley a little too long. Had he realized she wasn't Druscilla? But when he tossed back his long blond curls and licked his lips, Ashley understood that this guard had a thing for Druscilla. Gross. "I'm afraid he's away at the moment. On important business."
"That's okay; he has something for me in there. I'll just pick it up."
"Sorry, strict orders, no one enters the tent," said a second guard.
"I see," Ashley said. "Perhaps you'd like to be a frog for the rest of your life?" The guard cowered. She had to resist comforting him.
"No, thank you, Your Highness. I would rather serve you and your father as a human if that's all right with your greatness."
Derek scrambled around in Ashley's bodice at the mention of frogs. It was hard not to react to the tickle. When she could no longer stand the slimy cold body rummaging, she slapped at her bodice.
"Are you all right?" the first guard said.
"I'm fine. Just ate too many fried tarantulas for supper."
"Mighty fine eating, though," he said.
"Oh, yes. The finest. Anyway, my wedding is quite soon. I'm afraid I need to go in now. Assuming no one has a problem with it?" She scraped a fingernail seductively along the first guard's jaw.
He breathed in hard. Ashley had been right; the guard did want Druscilla. "Yes, of course. Be quick, though. The Magnificent Marveloni will return at any moment, and I shouldn't want him to know I disobeyed his orders."
"He'll never know," Ashley cackled. "Come along," she waved imperiously at Layyin.
"Only you," the guard said.
"You expect me to go inside unaccompanied by my personal guard?" Ashley thundered.
"No harm shall come to you." The guard puffed up his chest. "We will be available at a moment's notice should Your Highness have any problems."
"All right. Layyin, you stay here. I shall return shortly."
"But, Your Highness," Layyin said in a low voice. "Who are these men to overrule your desires?"
Ashley hid a smile. This was perfect. If Ashley were caught, Layyin would be able to escape. She laid a hand on her friend's armored shoulder. "My desires are being met. Stay here and don't argue, or you'll be a frog next!"
"Highness," Layyin spat.
Ashley whispered in Layyin's ear. "Go get the others, and don't come in until I give the caw signal."
"Okay," Layyin said. She seemed relieved having a task.
"Open the tent," Ashley commanded, and two guards bowed and ceremoniously pulled back the flaps. "Wider! My dress will barely fit." The guards complied, and even with the shredded dress, Ashley nearly dragged the tentpoles down as she entered the dimly lit portable lair.
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Marvy's lair was a lot smaller than Druscilla's but still substantial. Its walls were lined with tables of strange potion ingredients (some of them wriggling), otherworldly plants with waxy leaves and greedy maws, terrariums of live frogs lizards, dragon heads with eyes that felt as if they could still see, even in death. The whole bizarre hodgepodge was lit with a series of lanterns made with thick black candles in cages of human skulls. Bile rose in Ashley's throat.
A spiderweb brushed against Ashley's cheek. Her eyes traveled up to find the source of the web. It dangled from the ceiling, which had an opening in the middle, allowing a beam of moonlight to glare through. At first, Ashley found this curious in a place that was supposed to be so secret, but when she caught sight of a bubbling cauldron directly beneath it, she understood the need for ventilation.
A twist of inky black smoke rose from the pot into the air and exited through the opening. Ashley thought she caught the reflection of skulls in the smoke, but she must've been imagining things.
Sweat dripped down her spine.
Derek poked his head out of the line of her bodice. "While you're here, see if there's a "turn a frog back into a human" potion," he ribbited.
"Quiet," Ashley said. "I just need to destroy Charming's glamour potion and get out."
"What about doing away with Marvy? How are you going to do that? Do you have a plan? Do you have a plan for that?"
"Is it even possible that you're more annoying as an amphibian than a human?" Ashley said. "I will expose him when I expose the prince. He will be ruined."
"What about killing him? Divine providence has granted you a lovely dagger. You must use it."
"Marveloni is not here. We must improvise. We can kill him later if not now."
"Then let's improvise by taking a closer look at those potions over by the wall. I think one of them says something about turning a frog back into a prince."
"The guards said Marvy would be back any minute. So no. Now, where would Charming's potion be?"
"It's right there," Derek said.
"Where?"
"Look, no hands. I can't point. But straight ahead. In the cauldron."
"How do you know?" Ashley said.
"Because it's the one that's still brewing. If it were ready, it wouldn't need to be cooked."
"That actually makes sense," Ashley said.
"Don't sound so surprised."
"You're pretty smart. For a frog."
"Haha. Now you're going to start the frog jokes?"
"No. I don't have time for jokes. If something's bugging you, eat it."
"Can someone get the hook? You're the worst comedian in the Seven Kingdoms."
"What are these?" Ashley said, ignoring the heckler, otherwise known as Prince Derek. She knelt beside the cauldron, the heat from the flames fierce on her face. If the pigeon poop hadn't already melted, it would now.
A dozen empty bottles labeled "Charming's Dragon Bite Blood" lay sprawled on the ground beside the cauldron, as if someone was brewing the potion in too much of a hurry to keep a tidy lab. This must be why the dragon bite on Charming's wrist never healed. Marvy used the blood from the wound to make the glamour potion.
And here was a whole cauldron of the stuff.
If she emptied the cauldron, someone was bound to notice. But she had to get rid of it. What should she do? Ruin the potion by adding ingredients? That might work.
"He's coming!" Derek said.
Ashley's stomach dropped, and her heart galloped. "Marvy?" she whispered, freezing in position, looking for a place to hide.
"He's coming, he's coming," Derek said, squirming. "Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit," he lapsed into frogspeak.
She spun, searching for a cubby or a nearby barrel labeled "perfect hiding place." As if Ashley would fit into anything smaller than a house wearing Druscilla's stupid dress, even with part of it gone.
Wait, she didn't need to hide. She was disguised as Druscilla. Well, kind of, considering her makeup had to be ruined. But she still wore the wig, and it was pretty dark inside. But if it were Magic 101 that Marvy would know if his daughter was unconscious, what were the chances he wouldn't realize she wasn't the real Druscilla, even in the dim light with a half-melted disguise?
She grabbed the edge of a table and implored her heart to slow to a mere trot.
"What are you doing here?" Marvy said his breath on the back of her neck.
She shivered and turned to face him. "Hi, Daddy," Ashley said, trying to hold her voice steady. "I didn't see you there."
He swung a guard's bloody head by its long blond hair and flung it into a pile labeled "Miscellaneous Body Parts - Human." "His own fault," Marvy said. "Disobeyed my orders."
Ashley barely stopped herself from gasping. She was pretty sure Druscilla wouldn't gasp. In fact, she'd probably cackle. Ashley forced out a cackle. "He did deserve it."
"But of course. Now, pray tell, explain your presence in my lair."
"It's just we're cutting it close with the glamour potion. Less than an hour now till my nuptials. We can't have Charming scare the spectators before we say, 'I do.'"
Marvy smiled, but it wasn't the smile of a father, it was the smile a cat makes before it pounces on a juicy rat. He waved at the bubbling cauldron. "As you can see, Princess, the potion is nearly done."
"That's good," Ashley said, not giving up hope that she'd been wrong about Marvy's leer. "How much longer?"
"Sadly, a little longer than you have."
"What do you mean, Daddy?"
"What have you done with my daughter, Princess?" Marveloni grabbed Ashley's upper arm hard, so hard, it would leave marks. The only question was, would the marks be on her corpse or her still-breathing body?
"What are you talking about? I am your daughter. Don't be silly, Daddy."
With his spare hand, he whipped the wig off of Ashley's head.
"He's coming; he's coming," Derek ribbited.
Marvy looked around the room at his frog terrariums. "Those frogs are way too talkative. Remind me to kill them. However," he said silkily, "this gives me an idea. Why not turn you into a frog?"
"No!" Ashley said.
"Now you'll see what it's like," Derek said without an ounce of sympathy in his voice.
"Shut up," Ashley hissed.
"Aren't you the feisty one. Tell me, how did you escape the casket?"
"Magic," Ashley snapped.
Marvy laughed and slapped his knee. "You're hilarious."
"See," Ashley ribbited to Derek.
"What have you done with my daughter?" he seethed, the fire beneath the cauldron reflecting off his one eerie eyeball.
"She's fine."
"So you won't tell me. Never mind, I shall find her using my crystal ball."
Oh, dear. If Ashley failed to get rid of Marvy, he would free Druscilla once again from the island. She fingered the dagger in her pocket. But before she killed him, there was a critical task to accomplish.
Marvy pushed back his dragonskin cloak, raised his hands, billowy sleeves slipping down his scrawny arms. "Ready for your transformation?"
"Not quite yet," Ashley said, running toward the cauldron, trying not to trip over the skirts. Using her extra super strength, she grabbed the side and tipped it over. The contents hissed onto the floor, eating away at the canvas, revealing the mud beneath. "Now, what you gonna do?" Ashley provoked the magician. "No more potion. Charming will be very upset with you. And your plan to take over the kingdoms with your daughter installed as the princess will fail."
Marveloni convulsed with laughter. When your nemesis laughed at you when you thought you'd figured out his evil plan and foiled his plot, it's not a good sign. He retrieved a bottle from his inside pocket. "Oh, I'm not worried. That wasn't Charming's potion. But thank you for amusing me. Now, where was I? Oh yes, turning you into a frog." He raised his arms again, sleeves dangling dangerously near the fire.
"At least I won't have to hang out here with your glorious globes any longer," Derek said.
Ashley would have one shot to take out Marvy before he turned her into an amphibian. She had to make it count. "I have one thing to tell you before you turn me into a frog," Ashley said.
"What?"
"This," Ashley said, retrieving the dagger from the pocket and rushing at Marvy, the tip pointed to the part of him where a heart would be located if he possessed one.
"They're coming," Derek shouted, putting Ashley off her trajectory and giving Marvy the chance to zap her in the chest. She collapsed, hit her head on the ground, and stars circled her consciousness.
At this point, the hallucinations began.
A shriek like a thousand banshees competing for most ear-piercing sound to ever exist, rang through Ashley's ear, searing her brain, or what little of her mind remained. Hot fluid rushed down her cheeks and pooled around her neck. Were her ears bleeding? Or was it tears?
The tent rocked, the poles creaking, the ground shifted beneath her. Something was falling toward the opening on the top of the canvas—a projectile of some kind. Or perhaps a huge avenging angel.
Flashes of magic, in all colors, streaked through the opening, a rainbow of magic, lighting up the inside of the tent like a fireworks display. Wow, she must've hit her head hard.
"They're here," Derek said. Wow, he sounded close. Like right next to her ear.
"Who is here, Derek?" Ashley said.
"They're all here," Derek said, which was as helpfully descriptive as a disembodied voice.
Before Ashley had the chance to scream in frustration, the tent imploded. Wood, canvas, bones, blood, body parts, all caved in. Ashley squeezed her eyes shut and waited to be crushed, but instead, all she felt was the weight of one man pressed against her body. And not just any man. A very annoying, very vain, very naked man. "Derek, get off of me," Ashley cried. "Where are your clothes?"
"I guess Marvy's 'turn Ashley into a frog' spell misfired and turned me back into a human, but it neglected to provide a stylish outfit. I'll make sure to file a complaint with management."
"Where is Marvy?" Ashley said, pushing Derek off with her remaining super strength.
Derek stumbled away, searching the rubble. "I think that's him," Derek said.
Ashley scrambled to her feet, followed Derek's eye line, where she discovered two pale legs stuck out from beneath an enormous dragon with a dozen kids and one baby dragon on its back. Ashley's eyes filled with tears of relief. They were alive! But where were Gerald and Terrowin?
Before she could ask, a certain baby dragon launched himself at Derek. "Daddy!" Derek Junior cried. Derek caught him midair and spun him around. Derek Junior alternated between licking Derek's face and flicking fire at him.
"Derek, put something on, for decency's sake," Ashley said.
"Prude," Derek said.
"Here, take this," Ashley said, tearing off her petticoat and tossing it to Derek, who caught it one-handed. He set down his son and donned the petticoat, glaring at Ashley.
"Hurrah!" the village children said, sliding off of Ruth's back.
"I thought you'd never get here," Derek complained.
"Couldn't track you for a while," Ruth said. "It was like you disappeared off the face of the earth."
"I was a frog for a little bit there, but thanks to Marvy, I'm human again," he croaked.
"That's definitely up for debate," Ruth said.
"It's the after-effects. Will go away soon," Derek said, tracking a fly with his eyes.
"Where is Marveloni?" Ruth said.
"You're sitting on him. Great aim!"
"Thanks," Ruth said.
"What's happening to him?" Hilda Mae said, pointing at Marvy's creepy pasty legs.
"He needs to get more sun," Derek said. "I'd say he has a vitamin D deficiency."
"No, not the color," Hilda Mae said. "They look ... wrong."
Sure enough, Hilda Mae was on to something. Marvy's legs began to curl up like there were no bones inside, and then they turned to dust, leaving only a fine pair of leather boots. "Wow," Never seen anything like that before," Ashley said.
"He was very old," Derek said. "When Ruth squished all the magic out of him, he reverted to his true age, which meant he was already dust. Ashes to ashes and all that."
"Ruth, how did you find us?" Ashley said.
"The imprinting meant Derek Junior knew how to track and locate his 'dad.' And the kids wanted to be part of Marvy's demise. We decided not to let you have all the fun without us."
"But you put the children at risk," Ashley scolded. "And where are Terrowin and Gerald?"
"They stopped being children when this beast captured them. Now that he is defeated, they can go back to being kids. And Terrowin and Gerald had a special project to work on. Don't worry, they're fine. I'm fairly certain."
Ashley sighed in disappointment. All she wanted was to be in Gerald's arms, far away from the Interkingdom Games, snuggling, kissing, and forgetting that the rest of the world even existed. But it was not to be. Time to continue the quest without him. She signaled her cohorts with a caw. Hopefully, Layyin had found the others and made it back to the lair. A spear sliced through the tent, revealing the moonlit sky. Layyin stood atop the mangled canvas. She'd brought with her the royals and the victims they'd rescued from the pillories.
"Hi, everyone," Layyin said. "Nice outfit, Derek."
"Grumble, grumble," Derek said.
"Thank you kindly for rescuing me," Manfred said. Ashley's heart swelled. The poor man. "I thought I'd never get out of the pillory. Lucky for me, I had a real live princess as a pillory partner."
"You're welcome, Manfred," Ashley said. "You were kind to me, as well."
"Daddy!" Hilda Mae said, leaping into Mercer's arms.
"You're alive!" he said sobbing. "My baby. My baby," he repeated over and over like a benediction.
All the hardship had all been worth it, for this one moment. Now only one task remained—the demise of Prince Charming. Who obviously must die.
Layyin tugged her fists onto her hips. "Hey, where's Terrowin? He better be alive if he knows what's good for him."
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*Pockets in women's skirts wouldn't be conceived for at least another 200 years, even though they are such an obvious invention. Like wheels on suitcases. Why did those have to take so long?
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If you're a fan of pockets or wheeled suitcases, you really ought to vote! Love you!