"I don't need someone to babysit me. I'm eleven! Just go, I'll be fine." Defeated with arms crossed and cowboy pajamas hugging Benjamins' slim body, he stared at the floor with a frown creasing his forehead.
Throwing an extra blanket onto his bed, I shoved closed his curtains, switching on his lights after that. "I don't want to hear another word. You've done and said enough today, you hear me? Almighty.. you never stop."
Benjamin clenched his jaws, threw his head back onto his pillow in frustration. "You never hear my side of the story! You always believe my stupid teacher. She doesn't like me, isn't that obvious? Her focus is on me only and then I always get blamed for everything!"
"Pulling down your pants in the middle of the class isn't alright. It's a Catholic school, for goodness sake."
His eyes rolled, his face was red from the anger and his arms were wildly and desperately moving around. "Because Arthur said they were pulled up too high! See, it's never good! I always do everything wrong!"
"Tone, Benjamin!" I shot back, raising my eyebrows. "Did you really think that was the right way to solve the issue between you two?"
Gripping onto his covers, he snuggled deep down in bed, frustrated tears rolling down his cheeks. "I still had my underwear on. What's the problem?!"
"You think about that, Benjamin. I've got to go." I answered, trying to keep my own emotions inside, lowering my own voice. Aurora would have hated me if she knew how I brought our child to bed today, but what else could I do? He didn't want to get it into his thick skull. My exhaustion grew bigger by the day and I didn't know how much longer I could take it. "Adeline is watching you tonight. She's the friend of Nolans' elder sister, from church. If you need anything, you can go downstairs and ask her, alright? She has a mobile phone and can call me."
Benjamin didn't answer. Purposefully, because I could tell by anything that he wasn't sleeping.
"Sleep well, chap."
No answer, still.
Switching off his lights, I closed his bedroom door behind me. Instantly, I heard him moving around in his bed. Clenching my jaw to keep my emotions inside, I took a deep breath and jogged downstairs, throwing on my coat.
Passing the red and curled haired girl a smile, I picked up my keys. "I'm sorry for the commotion. Trouble at school. Needed to talk it through. Anyway, I guess I'll be home by ten, exception would be eleven. Feel free to grab some snacks from the cabinet over there, and drinks from the fridge. Thanks for watching him."
"No worries. Anytime!" She flashed me a smile, which I returned halfheartedly. Moments later, I closed the door and drove off to Teddy's.
The situation with Benji caused me to be fifteen minutes late, so when Teddy opened the door he looked more than surprised. "Son, you came."
"Well, you asked." Pursing my lips, I gave a short smile while my eyes gazed over the ground. The door opened a bit more, an invitation to come inside. "Thanks."
"Of course. We were just having some coffee. You like carrot cake? Rosie made it the other day." Teddy chatted away, taking my coat as I shook it off my shoulders. Kicking my shoes off, I nodded, silently entering the living room.
With chairs scattered everywhere, people sitting here and there, different voices mixing together- it was a busy happening. The atmosphere felt good, nonetheless, it had been a while since I'd come here last, so I felt rather uncomfortable for some reasons.
Aurora had already passed the last time I came here, so the tension of that was, luckily, gone for the most part, but since people often wondered if I was doing okay, and I was late, and so the attention was all on me at this moment, I wished I never went.
To be honest, I didn't even know what made me decide to go here tonight. Perhaps, part of me just wanted to get out of my own home situation, part of me missed the contact with the people who cared for me so deeply, whom I cared for, too.
After many had greeted me, had small talks and asked how I was doing, I felt relieved when I heard him. "Zev!" Daniel grinned, patting an empty chair next to him. Giving the others a sheepish smile with my lips pressed together, I sat down between him and, coincidentally or not, Salomé. Even when Teddy had told me she'd be here, it still surprised me for some reasons. "You met Salomé already?"
We made eye contact. Salomé smiled, smoothed her long, wide skirt. "Wow, this context. Strange seeing you here, but good nonetheless." She chuckled lightly, eyeing me.
"What are the odds, right." I answered, looking up when Teddy's wife Rosie stuffed a plate with her cake into my hands, Teddy screaming if I wanted coffee from over the kitchen, where he was standing. Sticking up my free thumb, I licked the frosting that had come onto my finger off.
"To be honest, I'd never have imagined you at a place like this."
Furrowing my eyebrows, I glanced at her. "You don't know me. How can you assume?"
"Oh, no. Not assuming.." Salomé narrowed her eyes, gave me an unsure smile. "Sorry, I just meant to say that I'm surprised to see you here. I just didn't think of it. Like, a possibility that you would be here and.. I'm not making sense."
Chuckling lightly, I smiled at her, after. "It's alright, I get what you're saying. We only met yesterday and it is a coincidence. I just knew you'd be here, Teddy told me. Head start on the situation."
"You listened to my advice?" Daniel frowned, seemed lost by our conversation. "Since when did your ears start working again, Zev? You remembered I could drag you into a cell any moment when you do not listen to my orders?" He teased, throwing his other job as a police officer into the conversation.
Rolling my eyes, I shrugged, taking a few bites out of my carrot cake. "Teddy was ahead of me. Suggested that the school education could be connected to the activities Salomé and some other people offer in the afternoon for the refugees."
"If that isn't lovely. So you two meet up from time to time?"
Innerly sighing, I started playing with my ring right after. A habit. I didn't know why exactly, but it was as if my subconscious mind was telling me to think of what my life had been before, not wanting to forget it every time something new would come up. Perhaps, it was part of the guilt. "No, just sending my stuff through email. Hey, Teddy?" Standing up, I left the two of them and walked over to the kitchen.
Great strategy, I thought by myself. Now I needed to think of something to say.
"What is it, son?" He placed my coffee onto the kitchen counter and I let out a deep breath. Without much notice, the busy living room made me feel tired. It was calmer in the kitchen, less warm, less noisy.
"It's quite busy." I hesitated, playing with the crumbs of my carrot cake.
"The group grew a lot in a year." Teddy answered, reaching for his Bible. "We have two other groups going on at this moment at the Baker and Willow family." His eyes raked over my face, I wondered if he sensed the way I was truly feeling at this moment. "You managed to find someone to watch Benjamin?"
Nodding, now that I was out of the situation, guilt crept up when I thought about my son.
"Alright, Zev." Teddy patted my shoulder, gave me a fatherly wink. "Take a seat. We'll start in a minute, people will quiet down. Just read a few verses of one Corinthians. Then we'll only be doing some cards for connection kind of game. Horrible, but that way we can get to know each other."
When Teddy sat down onto a chair, we shoved the other scattered chairs in a circle. A few coffee tables with snacks, coffee and other drinks stood in the middle. Salomé opened her Bible, that's where I realised I had forgotten mine. Aurora was the one who always took hers with us. Daniel was seated beside his wife, a few places away and since I didn't really know the man who was sitting beside me on the other side of me, I sheepishly turned to Salomé.
She looked up at me, her deep brown eyes questionable.
"I'm afraid I forgot.. the Book."
"No worries." She gave me a smile, scooting her chair closer to mine. "We can share."
My knee touched hers, my finger started shoving my ring up and down my finger rapidly.
"Your wife is watching someone at home?" She asked.
Swallowing, I kept staring at my ring. "She's always watching over him."
Salomé nodded. Got the impression she didn't fully understand my answer, but I was okay with that. When Teddy began to speak, I turned my face to him while everyone else started flipping through the pages.
Teddy spoke for most of the time. After his talk, some asked questions, but my thoughts weren't there. I was playing with the cover of Salomé's Bible, plucking at the edge where it was a little damaged. Not realising it, I kept pulling until she laid her hand onto mine, gaining my attention. "Sorry, can I search for a verse? Teddy asked.."
"Sure, sure. Sorry." I answered, feeling how my cheeks became warmer. Removing my hand, I handed it back to her, staring down at my fingers. I was glad Teddy had asked Salomé, because honestly- I hadn't heard a single word he had spoken. My thoughts weren't here today, but then again, when were they? Salomé's voice rang through my ears, but I didn't understand the words she spoke. Because as I tried to focus on her words, my phone rang.
"Sorry." I mumbled out, walking over to the hallway as Adeline's name appeared on my screen. Picking up the phone when I was alone, I prayed he hadn't done anything bad. "Hey, Adeline. Is everything alright?"
"Hi, uhm.." Adeline hesitated, lowered her voice. "Benji just wet the bed. He told me not to tell you, but I don't really know what to do?"
"Oh." Frowning, I stared outside the small, squared window Teddy had in his front door. The sun had already went to sleep, evening dew appeared on the glass. I drew a question mark, a sad smiley face underneath. "That's odd.. Did he mention anything about the reason?"
Adeline cleared her throat. "No, he didn't.. he only said he drank a lot before he went to sleep and he went to the toilet just now, so I guess that must be it?"
"Could be." No way. I'd been with him the whole time- why was he lying? "Anyway, just tell him to hop into the shower, with a washcloth. He can wash himself. You don't have to change the bed or anything, just send him to mine after he's all clean, alright?"
"Yes, thank you a lot. I'm sorry, it just never happened before and.."
"No, no. Don't worry. I'm glad you called." I assured her, not wanting her to feel bad about a situation she had no grip on. "Thanks again, Adeline. I guess I'll be home in an hour or so."
With a quick bye after that, I stared at the drawing I had made, without much notice. Wiping it away, I took a deep breath. My head was full, I regretted coming here. I wasn't sure why, but being social and at the same time an introvert, took a lot of energy. Besides, I hadn't always liked going to stuff like this, it was Aurora who always dragged me along.
It wasn't the content I didn't like, I just was't always good in groups, especially not in small areas with many people. Despite the atmosphere being healthy and warm, it asked too much from me at this moment. Which made me question even more why I went.
"Are you alright?" Teddy asked, closing the door that kept the hallway and the living room apart.
"Yeah, yeah. Just some.. stuff with Benji." I answered right away, swallowing away my thoughts. I gave him a weak smile, but didn't make eye contact.
Teddy gave me a pat on the head. "Sometimes times get tougher before they get better. Please don't miss the chances to grasp onto the good things life will give you. Even if you feel guilty, please try and push the feeling away. You deserve happiness. I'm praying for you, son."
"Thanks. Quite easy when the latter is innerly killing you." Smiling with my lips pressed together, I glanced past him. "Are we done?"
"Just talking about how to encourage others and have faith, comfort whatsoever when you're put through a trial in life."
"Great."
Teddy flicked my ear, grinning a little. "Come on, I'll make you a cappuccino."
Reluctantly, I followed him back inside. With everyone reaching for the crisps and new drinks, I swayed my way through the chairs that were back being scattered here and there. Young couples catching up with each others' lives, the young adults sharing their difficulties and the new members of the group getting to know the ones who'd been there for a while. I felt lonely, even when I was among people.
Eyes roaming all over, they eventually fell onto the photo wall his wife had created not too long ago. She'd done everything in polaroid style, the photos stuck to the wall in neat squares. It took me a while to realise that one photo, hung on the left, was one very familiar to me. One very dear to me. One very painful to me.
It was Aurora and mine's wedding photo.
And then the reason why I had come hit me. When loneliness and grief gripped onto my throat, trying to suffocate me, I tried to search for my wife, tried to scream for comfort, tried to find her in the midst of all of my sorrow. I'd search for her, everywhere. In my mind, in my memories, in the people surrounding me. I'd searched for Aurora tonight.
Nausea came up, my stomach tightened while a knot of unsaid words became stuck in my throat, almost suffocating me. Swallowing a few times, I closed my eyes and furrowed my eyebrows when the knot wasn't leaving. Seeing the photo out of nowhere tore me in two, and I tried to hold myself together, keep me intact, but failed.
Walking off, I reached for the doorknob, turned it and closed the door behind me. I threw up in the bushes, apologised to Teddy in my head and made my way over to my car. Driving off, I parked somewhere near a wood ten minutes later.
My rage got ahead of me. I started kicking. Kicking the steering wheel, the glove compartment, the chair that was beside me. Not thinking about the damage it could cause, I continued to do it as long as it took my legs and feet to feel numb. Helpless whimpers left my mouth and it wasn't until I accidentally broke the buckle of the seatbelt of the seat beside me that I started to scream.
"You said that it was your destiny. How could that be your destiny? Why did you let me- why couldn't you stop me.." Salty tears trickled down my face, I didn't bother sniffing when snot started coming down either. "God, if you're even there, why do you let me suffer? My son? Why did you have to take her?"
Silence.
Guilt. My own selfishness. How could I call her selfish, when all I had done was thinking about myself?
Slouching back into my chair in exhaustion, I continued to cry, with sobs louder than I'd ever allowed for myself to cry. My view was fogged up due to the haze that were my emotions, completely falling over me, taking me away. Tears and snot mixed, my sweatshirt sleeve wasn't able to keep up with the humidity that coated my face.
When my emotions were pushing me to fall asleep, I wiped my face for one last time, drove home and tried to get myself together while facing Adeline. I thanked her, paid her, locked the door and went straight over to my room.
Benjamin was asleep. Curled up with his arms wrapped around the flower smelling horse I had passed down to him. I crawled inside my bed, picked up a note that had been laid down onto my pillow.
'Sorry, Papà. I drank some water from the bathroom when you left and I drank too much so when I woke up I already couldn't hold it anymore. I hope you're not mad I didn't do it on purpose. Sleep well, dad.'
Sighing, I turned my face to him and placed a kiss onto his cheek. Guilt crept up again, I aplogised to Aurora in my head. "Sorry for being so hard on you, Benji." I whispered, even if my mind still battled with the discipline and understanding.
Closing my eyes, I prayed to see dawn. The dawn I had first watched with Aurora.
•
Zev is struggling :(
Do you understand his words towards Benjamin? Do you think something caused Benjamin's behaviour or hes always been like this?
Salomé?
Daniel? Teddy...? What are your thoughts on these characters?
Dedication to the sweet @jelc1d 🧡 love reading your comments thank you for all of your support xx
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