"how are you guys? i miss you." i wave at my phone. "we miss you so much, so sad you couldn't be here with us!" riley and nat frown. "i know i know, maybe next year?" i also frown. "how's maddy? let me see her!" natalie squeals over the phone. i nod and get up to go to my room. "madeline, your friends want to say hi!" i put my phone in front of her. "it's natty and rylie!" she grabs my phone and walks out of the room.
"okay then." i laugh and turn to see mason laying on our bed. "what's up with them?" he asks and i lay down next to him. "nothing, they're just telling me about spain." i say putting my head on his shoulder. i stare at the tv while he switches through channels. "you know we can go on our own trip right?" he starts to caress my hair. "yes but it's not the same. spain was our thing... a girls trip thing."
i really really wanted to go with them but i had maddy and i just couldn't go anymore. nat and riley said they didn't want to go anymore because it wouldn't be the same without me but i convinced them to go anyways. just because my life was on hold doesn't mean theirs should be too.
i don't really talk to them as much but we'll always be besties for life. we're just different people now. it sucks but it is what it is.
"where would you want to go? besides spain, where would you want to be right now?" he asks and i don't hesitate to answer. "i've always wanted to go to greece." i look up at him. "then let's go." mason sits up making me sit up. "what?"
"i mean not right now obviously but let's save up and just go." he smiles getting excited. "really? we can do that? just go and leave?" the naïve part of me also gets excited. i was always one to just get up and leave something whenever i wanted to. like when my parents got divorced, i left and went to my dads. but this was different, i can pack my bags and finally leave washington with my daughter and love of my life by my side. except i couldn't, this isn't a movie. i have my internship and potential job here, my school is here, my dad is here, everything i've ever known is here. i couldn't be naïve anymore, i had to be realistic.
"sure!" i say matching his excitement even though deep down i was doubting it. he kisses me right away and i break the kiss by laughing. "i feel like we haven't done this in a while." mason kisses my cheek then my neck. "that's because maddy likes to ruin the moment." i wrap my arms around him as we continue to kiss. this lasts for a good ten seconds before my baby runs back into the room with my phone.
"they said bye bye." she holds my phone up. i move to the end of the bed to pick her up. "do you want to go play at the park?" i ask playing with her hair. "yes! yes! yes!" she gets excited and starts to squirm out of my hands. "want to invite grandpa?" i ask getting another excited response.
i look over to mason. "want to join?" i ask him. "i'll stay here and get started on dinner." he gets up and stretches. "can't wait." i pick up maddy and kiss mason one more time before we go upstairs to her room. "it's a little cold outside, we need a jacket. which one?" i hold her close to the closet and watch her tiny arm reach out towards her black peacoat.
i grab it then sit her on the floor. "you are so beautiful." i kiss her tiny nose. it's crazy, i have a mini me. who would've known. sometimes we have staring contests because i really don't get how i gave birth to this tiny human.
i slide her coat on and button it up, then i grab her little boots and slip her feet into them.
"you're ready! let's go get grandpa." she lifts her arms up, basically asking for me to pick her up. "why can't you carry me?" i joke, picking her up. i walk upstairs with her on my hip, calling out my dads name.
he comes out of his room and she tries to get out of my grip. i let go of her and she runs to my dad. "we're going to the park!" she tells him and he gasps. "can i come?" he plays along. "yes!" maddy hugs him. i just watch them interact.
we end up leaving and walking to the park with maddy in between me and my dad, holding our hands. "have you talked to your mother?" my dad asks. nope.
"not since my birthday. why?" i look at him. "she called me asking about you, she's worried." i scoff. "worried? why would she worry about me? i'm fine. we're fine."
"she thinks that you might need help? i don't know, you know your mother. she wants to be more involved in your life. not just yours, madeline's too." my dad says and i bite the inside of my cheek. "she knows where we live." i say simply.
"but she doesn't feel welcomed. maybe you should call her." he says. i guess. "sure." we get to the park and maddy lets go of our hands.
"mommy can i see daddy?" she says facing me. "what?" i'm caught off guard. "where's daddy?" i freeze. i look at my dad and he shrugs. "he's... at his house. now go play." i point towards the park. "can he play with me?" her big brown eyes look up at me. it's impossible to say no. "sure... i'll call him." fuck!
she runs off towards the slide and i look at my dad. "you should call him too." he says before leaving me to go watch her.
i pull my phone out and go to the phone app. i take a big breath as i look at my contacts. i didn't need to look for him, i still knew his number by heart. i dial the numbers then call him. i clear my throat as i hear the ringing.
he answers and i freak out. "hey, maddy and i are at the park, she wants you to come...yeah that park... okay... i'll see you then." i say and quickly hang up.
that wasn't so hard.
i walked over to my dad and stood next to him watching little me make friends on the slide. "he's coming." i cross my arms. there's silence.
"can i talk to you bear?" he turns to me and i sigh. "what is it?" i'm already defensive. "when are you going to forgive him and let him back into your life?"
i wasn't expecting that.
"oh this is a serious talk." i laugh nervously. then i remember i'm an adult now. "sorry. let's sit down real quick." i sigh and walk to the park bench with my father.
i could already tell where this is going. he's going to make me feel bad and try to make me look at things in parkers point of view.
"don't tell your brother but when i found out your mother was pregnant with noah i wanted her to get an abortion." he says completely catching me off guard. "you wanted mom to kill noah?" i gasp not believing him. "i just turned nineteen and we had plans to go to college and we just couldn't afford to raise a kid."
...
"so you're telling me you and mom were in the exact same situation i was in and mom had the nerve to almost disown me?"
i can't even get mad, i've always known my mom was a hypocrite but wow this was news to me.
"you know how your mom is... anyways we were kids just like you. in an nineteen year old boys mind, i was freaking out. i wasn't ready to be a dad." i look at the park making sure i see her. "dad what are you trying to tell me?"
"i'm trying to tell you to take it easy on parker. yes he made a mistake, he left you even when he promised to stay but he's realized his mistakes and now he's owning up to them. he's trying to be there for you guys. some fathers don't even attempt to try. maddy clearly wants him in her life-"
"dad seriously? it's not like i'm not letting him see her. it's just hard, he reminds me of everything i went through. whenever he asks to see her, i let him and vice versa. you want me to let him back into my life? he's never left. parker will always be in my life no matter what happens between us. we have a kid together."
"i didn't say that, what i'm trying to say is that you should give him a second chance." my eyebrows raise. "a second chance to what? be my boyfriend? you know i'm with mason why would you say that?" i stand up. i can feel myself starting to panic. everything was starting to get overwhelming. i wish people would look at things from my perspective, parker traumatized me.
i hate this so much. the overthinking, the constant worrying about things i had no control over, the feeling of being claustrophobic when asked too many questions. when did i become such a headcase? i wish i could be seventeen year old bri again. i was normal. semi-normal.
"never mind. forget i said anything, i wasn't trying to get you upset." he reaches for me. "i'm not upset dad. i just-" maddy screams and i quickly turn around. "daddy!" she goes down the slide then runs up to parker.
i relax knowing she was fine. i watch parker pick her up and spin around with her. as much as i hated it, she was so happy when parker was around. sometimes i wondered if she got confused. i wonder if she thinks mason is also her dad. i wonder if she wonders whens the next time she'll see parker again.
my love life has been a mess in the past and to be honest three years later and it still was. not necessarily with mason, it's just awkward and the tension is crazy everytime parker and mason are in the same room together. which happens often considering i have a kid with my ex.
this whole situation is messed up but it is what it is.
"hey bri." his voice breaks me out of my thoughts. "hey parker."