Finale
♤♠♤
The next two weeks were a blur of bliss and misery.
The week following prom was misery because we had revisions for finals, my friends were officially out of school, I was lonely, and I missed most days of them hanging out without me.
It was bliss because Chris helped me study, he still came and picked me up after school and when I finished my finals on Monday and Tuesday. I only had three because gym is... gym, so I only had to go to school for those two days.
The last three days of school, seniors went in only to have graduation rehearsal in the gym. I was home, so after they finished up, Chris would come and get me and we hung out—sometimes alone, but most times we met up with our friends.
Graduation was closing in on us—on them, I should say. But still on me because this affected me while it was good for them. The big day was the Saturday after the last day of school and finals—today, which was Friday.
It wasn't a question of whether I was going. I didn't have a choice, and I was looking forward to Chris in a suit again, so I wasn't going to miss it anyway.
At noon, I was picked up, and our inner circle met at our regular Starbucks. We decided to have a nice evening, a lowkey celebration of us just hanging out on that last day of school. It meant a lot to all of us.
Currently, everyone was going over their summer plans and I swayed on my chair, happily slurping on a caramel frappuccino. It was my first time having it and it was heavenly.
"Having fun?"
My movements stopped and I looked up, my slurping slowing when I caught their eyes on me. I smiled sheepishly, letting the straw go and licking my lips as I heard chuckles.
"It's good."
"Uh-huh," Nate drawled, giving me an amused grin.
"So," I said, crossing my arms on the table, "what's going on?"
My eyes went to Chris involuntarily and my heart did that thing. He was sporting a beautiful smile and staring down at his drink while fiddling with the straw.
These past few weeks with him have been something else. I was a different kind of happy than my usual and I don't know if anyone had noticed. I felt like I was beaming from inside out and there are times where I feared someone would read my mind and find out what's got me so peppy all the time.
I didn't look at Chris for long but the image branded itself into my brain like everything else he did. I was thankful when Julia replied instead of laughing like some of them.
"What's going on is, I'm spending the second half of summer in New York."
I groaned, loud and exasperated. "You too? Why!"
"Because," she laughed, "I'm taking two courses."
Leaning across the table, I said, "I thought we established that Chris was the one without a life here."
She smiled. "I wanted to get some stuff out of the way." She shrugged, taking a drink from her cup.
I whined pathetically. "Oh, whatever."
"I'm gonna be here for the first half," she said, laughing.
"I guess that's enough," I grumbled, snatching up my cup again.
"Aren't you gonna be busy anyway?" Jess said. "You're doing design stuff with Charlotte and you plan on getting a job."
My lips pursed as I swallowed, and I placed my cup on the table again. "Yeah," I said, sounding unsure, but knowing for a fact my mind was set on doing exactly those things.
This was more than that though—more than boredom or not having anyone to hang out with. It all made it too real, too soon. Nothing had to be official yet, we could have the next two to three months and savor it. Our goodbyes didn't have to be now. It didn't help that they were leaving next week to go on their annual cabin trip—one that I wasn't allowed to go on. So, no, my mom wouldn't send me across the world with them if I asked.
But anyway, I couldn't be that one miserable person holding them back. They had a life and I had to find one. That's what I was going to be doing this summer.
Some of them were going off to spend the summer in college, others were working just like me, and then some were traveling to go spend time with extended family members. I needed to stop whining about it—to accept it and let it go.
And that's what I did. I stopped complaining whenever someone brought up their summer activities that didn't involve staying here and be happy for them.
I was clinging to them too much and the longer it took me to let go, the worse it was going to be in the end. The thought was humbling but sad. It made me apply it to another situation automatically.
I stayed quiet and finished off my drink, smiling when I'm supposed to and only talking when I should.
"How are they?" Mar said. Thion had been talking about his summer plans which involved going to California to spend time with his uncle and his family the entire summer.
Apparently, he went there every summer and almost every holiday. He loved it out there and I was surprised he hadn't applied to colleges there with how enthralled he sounded talking about the place.
From what I heard, he was taking Nate and Carlos with him. They'd been there before—most of our friends had. They're coming back halfway through August to start shopping and packing for college.
Thion shrugged. "They're good. I only talked to my uncle though, but he said everything's cool."
"Don't go out there and get into too much trouble," Sean said.
Thion pointed at him. "You know those tanned fuckers try my patience on purpose."
I held back my laugh despite everyone else's, but I still giggled uncontrollably. I couldn't hold it, not with the look on his face.
Thion sat back, calm, and collected the next second. "I turned my life around though. I went a whole year without fighting. Other than that one time some asshole pissed me off, I plan on sticking to it."
"Listen you psychopath," Chris chipped in but got cut off by the rest of us laughing.
"But anyways," Chris started again, "I have something I want to announce." He waited until we were all quiet and staring at him before he said, "My mom has a boyfriend."
A round of collective gasps sounded and Chris looked around at us blankly.
"What?" Julia said, leaning forward and slapping her hands on the table.
"She's been an independent single woman ever since I met you," Thion said.
"I'm aware," Chris replied. He looked like he regretted bringing it up, but he kept going. "You guys remember that whole thing with my dad?"
We all collectively agreed. After what went down at his dad's in New York, Zeke and his woman called it quits. That's what Chris told me. There weren't any details and his dad made it seem like it was a mutual decision, but we knew better.
"Apparently, this stockbroker had been asking my mom out for a while now and after what happened, she decided to go for it."
"How old is he?"
"How long is a while?"
The questions fired off and Chris made a loud sound, holding his hands up. "One at a time!" He stared at us with wide eyes and took a drink from his cup before he answered. "They met over a year ago or something and he's like thirty." Chris grimaced when he mentioned the guy's age and I snickered around my straw.
"Go, Char," Mar said under her breath.
Chris's expression twisted into absolute disgust. "No. I don't know about you but thirty is a little too young for me to be comfortable with." He visibly shuddered.
"I dunno," Carlos sang, "he could've been twenty-five."
Thion spoke next, his grin wicked. "What, Rich? Scared he has too much stamina or something?"
Someone cackled and almost all our mouths were hanging open in disbelief. Chris went red in the face.
"So what?" Jess retorted, shrugging but grinning with her straw between her teeth. "She's so damn uptight all the time. I'm happy she got someone who can get it up without-"
"This is why I didn't want to tell you guys anything!' Chris was on the verge of shouting. His face was a bright red now, and a second later he got out of his chair and was walking away.
They all called after him with apologies but obviously not meaning them since they all fell into a fit of laughter when he left the store.
"Guys, come on." I got up too, shaking my head at them but unable to hide my smile. "You know he's sensitive."
They seemed to find that hilarious too because they laughed like a bunch of maniacs at that. Rolling my eyes, I hurried to the exit and spotted Chris easily. He was already standing by his car, his keys in hand.
"He's so damn dramatic," I said to myself before raising my voice to call out, "Really?"
He looked over his shoulder and grudgingly turned toward me as I got closer.
"Were you going to leave?"
He huffed, shoving his free hand into the front pocket of his jeans. He'd been planning to leave. I stared at him with no doubt, knowing the disbelief was written on my face.
"Stop staring at me like that," he grumbled.
"No," I replied back with a laugh. "You were honestly about to leave."
His response was immediate and high pitched. "No one wants to hear about their mom-" another shudder visibly wracked through him.
"Oh, come on, they were joking."
"It's not funny!"
"Calm down," I said instinctively, his tone putting me on the defense. I got that he was flustered but I didn't like being yelled at, especially when I hadn't done anything wrong.
He huffed again and looked away, muttering, "Sorry."
"I get it, it's gross for you, but," I paused, taking him in, "you reacted like it was more than that. What else is bothering you?"
His eyes dropped to his shoes, confirming my suspicions. I leaned forward, peering at his eyes.
When he didn't even hint at replying anytime soon, I gave it my best guess. "Is it because you wanted your parents back together?" It was a bold question, but I remembered how he reacted back in New York when he saw Gianna.
He hadn't even met the lady and I could already tell he hadn't liked her. His body language and tone had said it all. His parents had been divorced for about six or seven years but there were people still hoping that one day their parents would sort out their differences. Not even I can't say I haven't.
Chris wears his heart on his sleeve. He tried his best to lock away emotions in situations that it called for, but he couldn't. If he wasn't okay, anyone would know by looking at him.
"Or is it because you're selfish and don't want another man in her life?" My second guess was more teasing and I smiled at him. I meant it though.
I knew the guy and I knew how he operated. He felt very different things for me than he did for his mom, but that didn't mean his views would change. His mom and he had been dependent on each other ever since their family had split up. They only had each other, and knowing Chris and his feelings when it comes to drastic changes like getting his own place, and now possibly welcoming another person—a man; one who could end up being his stepdad—into his house, would have him acting out on his emotions.
He rocked back and forth on his feet slightly. "Maybe," he grumbled.
Both, then.
I smiled at him as he nibbled at his lips. Stepping close to him, I held his wrist and placed my other palm on his stomach. Muscles.
Ignoring how his abdomen contracted under my hand, I spoke. "I'm not good at pep talks."
He nodded. "I know."
"But," I emphasized, widening my eyes at him and nearly melting when he smiled, "I understand how hard this must be for you. But how long has Charlotte been investing all her time and energy in you?"
"Is that a trick question?" he retorted.
I held back a groan and gripped his arms in both my hands now, squeezing a little. "I'm guessing she's never brought a date or boyfriend home in the whole seven years she's been divorced. Instead, she'd been focused on work and raising you."
"So?" he said stubbornly, looking like a defiant kid.
I could smack him, but I rolled my eyes instead. "So," I shook him, or as much as he'd let me, "she deserves this, Chris. You're about to go off to college and she's going to be in that house alone. You're grown and she has every right to be happy and find love again. It doesn't matter how old the guy is—you can't use that as an excuse to be a big baby about your mom getting out there and getting some."
He groaned loudly, throwing his head back and I laughed.
I skipped the apology because he knew I was joking. "Are you happy for her?" He didn't reply. I sighed. "Be happy for her because you know she deserves this after all she's done for you. And I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid. Just don't let her feel like crap for finally moving on."
We stayed quiet for a moment as we stared at each other. My words slowly sank in for him and I saw as they did. His expression changed from impassive, to something of understanding but miserable. The guy's age bothered him that much.
"Thank you," he said when he finally spoke. His words were gruff and raw with emotion.
Chris was also mildly territorial, so this could be because he didn't want his mom to get hurt either—to invest herself in someone at the peak of her life and have it all blowup. It was understandable. At a certain time in a person's life, they didn't have time for games and dating wasn't something they looked forward to. But this was Charlotte—his mother. That woman could take anything life threw at her and toss that shit back.
"Can I kiss you now?" he added.
I laughed, putting my hands between us as he tried pulling me into him. I shook my head. "No."
He sighed, the sound exaggerated.
"Let's go back inside." I grabbed his wrist and turned away. Only when I started pulling, he didn't move. I turned back to him, "What?"
He shook his head. "I don't wanna go back."
"Chris-"
"I already made my dramatic exit. You know how stupid I'd look going back in there?" he explained.
I made a face, shaking my head. "You already look stupid, just come on."
His head shook again. "No. Can't we go back to my place and-"
"No," I cut him off, unable to hide my amused smile. He started again and I shook my head slowly before he even finished.
Seconds later, he was whining all the way back to Starbucks, and rudely told our friends to shut up after they started to cheer when they saw us.
♤♠♤
The next day came quicker than I needed it to even though the day before had been long and eventful for our group.
It didn't matter because I was still excited and ready. Butterflies rolled around in my stomach forcefully and I fidgeted the whole drive over to Chris's house.
It was a few hours until we had to be at the center where they were having the graduation ceremony. We could've met there, but Chris asked me to come to his house instead. I knew Nate was going to get ready there too and Jess was going to get ready at her house and come over when she was done.
I dreaded another dress, so I found the perfect outfit. Some time last year, my mom had gotten me a couple of fancy pants with matching blazers. She got me a black set, a navy blue, and one yellow. I went with the yellow, obviously.
As anyone would guess, it was a bit snug in certain places now, but it fit. I wore a black blouse underneath, tucked into the waistband of my slacks, and black flats. I swore off heels for at least the next five months.
Charlotte opened the front door before me and my mom even knocked. Her smile was huge, and she hugged us both before ushering us inside.
Laughter and chatter could be heard from where I stood and since I didn't want to seem too rude, I didn't ask for Chris right away so I could ditch them. But I really wanted to see him.
"Are they ready yet?"
Charlotte gestured toward the stairs. "They're upstairs, but they should be finishing up. They have to be there an hour and a half early."
"Okay, I'll go shout at them," I said, hurrying past her and not caring about my earlier thoughts of not rushing up there right away.
I was on the stairs when she said my name and I stopped, turning back to face her. Her expression had me descending the stairs while eyeing her in curiosity.
"Christian told me what you said about... the situation," she started, and her look explained what this was about. Her new boyfriend and Chris's near-meltdown. "I want to thank you for that. I knew this would be hard on him, even for a little while, so I'm glad you weren't cruel about it."
I smiled, my eyes narrowing playfully as I recalled the day before. "I was a little cruel." She smiled and so did I. "But I'm the guy's backbone, y'know. Who knows what he's gonna do without me," I teased, taking the stairs slowly as I went up backward.
She shook her head at me. "Make sure they're almost done."
I waved a finger in the air. "I will shout at them." I spun around and was on my way again.
"Dude, you should really look into moving into one of the guest rooms on the first floor," I panted as I entered Chris's room.
I hadn't expected to find Thion in the room, fully dressed and looking amazing in black slacks and a button-down. Nor did I expect Chris's brother, Zan, to be laying on his bed as he tossed a Rubix cube in the air and caught it continuously.
His head had turned toward me, and a grin spread across his face. He was also dressed in the same getup but wearing a white button-down.
"Hello, beautiful," he said, cheesing.
"Uh," I said, my mind reeling. "Hey."
I wasn't a huge fan of him despite not knowing anything but his full name and that he was an ass most of the time. That knowledge alone made it hard for me to tolerate his presence, and my usually smiley self at being complimented like that was not resurfacing soon.
I shouldn't judge the guy, especially since he's Chris's brother, but I couldn't help myself. I was protective of Chris—he was my little baby—and when he hurt, I hurt. I couldn't relate to the whole sibling banter thing and I didn't want to. If someone came for him, whether now or in the past, and they weren't his friend, I was going to snap back.
"Your face is giving away your emotions," Chris said, stealing my attention off his brother.
It was enough and I soon forgot all about his brother and was checking him out. He was leaning against the glass door of his closet, his hands shoved deep in the pocket of his khaki pants. He was wearing brown dress shoes, a white shirt tucked into his pants, and fuck me- those suspenders.
His hair was brushed neatly, parted on one side, and I could tell even from where I stood that he'd gotten a trim.
He was a bottle of hotness wearing an irresistible smile and I wanted to drink him up. Why there were so many people in this room? I didn't know.
No. No, no thinking about that. No thinking about that ever!
Smiling, I said, "Are you really wearing khakis, Jake?"
I heard a snicker, but I was too busy grinning as Chris looked away, licking his lips, but smiling nonetheless, at my jab.
Clapping loudly once, I walked farther into the room, my eyes running over all of them. "I was given a job," I announced, my voice rising. "I had to come up here and shout at you boys to get your asses moving. Do I need to do that?"
"No, coach!" Thion shouted, fixing his tie.
I looked over at him and he was smirking at me through the mirror that almost took up the entire wall.
Just as I'm about to reply with something sarcastic, I noticed his hair. Gone was the manbun, replaced by braids. They weren't too small, but they weren't too big either. They were bigger than what I would call medium-sized braids and fell just above his shoulders. Not only that, he dyed his hair. Not black though. It was a gradient of his natural roots, faded into blond, which faded into a dark olive green.
I've never seen him without his manbun, and it was throwing me off, but I had to say, I liked this better. This could grow on me.
I pointed at him, making my way over to Chris. "Love the hair. I live for it."
Thion grinned, giving me a dramatic half bow. "I did it for you."
"You're off the hook then."
"You start shouting at me and I'm kicking you out," Chris said in his easy-going tone. He looked more relaxed than I'd ever seen him, like he wasn't about to be graduating in a few hours. My stomach was in knots and I wasn't even graduating.
"I'm already done, so..." Nate said from where he leaned against the wall, right next to the huge window. He was in a burgundy button-down tucked into black slacks, and a black tie falling over the buckle of his belt. His sleeves were pushed up to his elbows and he was standing there, looking broody and delicious.
I stopped myself before I got to Chris, realizing that I had every intention to go over there and grope him. Halfway into the room, I turned away from him slightly to see them all at once, except his brother, I didn't care about him. Surprisingly, he stayed quiet, still tossing the cube up and catching it on its way down.
"Well, you guys have half an hour to be downstairs," I lied. When I saw them all checking their watches like clockwork, I added, "Pictures have to be taken here and when you get to the center."
Technically, I wasn't lying then. I didn't want them to be late and this was a much bigger deal than prom, so cameras were going to be flashing for a while. At least, I thought it was bigger.
They all nodded in unison and it was kind of freaky. Eyeing them, I clapped in finality and said, "Let's go! Finish putting shit on and get your sexy asses downstairs."
After that, I watched them pocket small things like their wallets, phones, Chapstick, and such. Thion quite literally said, "Fuck you," to the tie and ripped it off before forcing it into his pocket, the end of it sticking out. Chris grabbed a brown jacket from out of his closet and a garment bag that I knew held his gown.
He slung it over his shoulder and held the jacket in his other hand.
"Where's your cap?" I asked.
He turned back to the closet but seeing as his hands were full, I decided to help him. I got his cap from on top of his dresser inside the closet and held it up for him.
"Put it on."
"You're so damn bossy," he said, shaking his head at me. "You put it on."
"Don't be a child."
He leaned back, appalled. "Says you."
"Guys," Nate said, and we looked toward the door where all the of them already were. "You can argue on your way downstairs, let's go." He made a wide gesture with his arm for us come over and they exited the room, chatting about how miserable we were.
"Is it really that hard for us to be civil?" I voiced my thoughts, staring after them.
"Uhhh," Chris started, stepping behind me. My body stiffened. He leaned down to my ear. "I think, subconsciously, this is our way of playing off how badly we want to strip and get on that bed."
I wanted to not get turned on. However, my insides twisted in that familiar excitement at his closeness. When his hips thrust against my backside and his lips brushed my ear, I drew in a long, loud breath. This had not been my plan today.
"Let's go take some pictures," he said smugly, stepping around me.
I stared dumbly at his back as he made his way across the room. My eyes went to the bed and memories played behind my eyes—so vivid that goosebumps rose on my skin and my clothes felt tighter and made my body itch. Chris's chuckle brought me back to the present and my eyes to him. I sent him a glare.
He was walking backward now, his grin poisonous and hot as hell. "I offered you some one-on-one time yes-"
"Fuck off," I cut him off, shaking my head when he laughed.
Downstairs, I found out there were a lot more people than I thought had been here. I smiled and greeted Chris's dad again and even met some more of his family that I never knew about. Obviously, he had aunts and cousins and grandparents, but I'd never thought of how it would go if I ever met them. I was scared out of my mind.
For one, I worried that they wouldn't like me. If they didn't, I could get over it, but in that moment, I wouldn't know what to do. On the other hand, I was scared some of them wouldn't be as welcoming because I was black. It was a default reaction—something that was always there whenever I met new people who weren't like me—but then I remembered that he's been friends with Jess for so long, and she probably already met them. And then there was Thion. And then I realized that that didn't mean anything. I didn't know what they went through when they met them for the first time.
It all went well though. I met just as many, if not more, faces today than I had prom night, and gave my greetings to familiar ones.
It was around three-thirty when Jess came over, dressed in a black bodycon dress that fit her body like she was born to wear it. She had on black heels, with her black painted toenails on display. Her dark, silky-looking hair was more than halfway down her back with carefully placed curls here and there. It's obvious what her favorite color was.
When Thion had seen her, he made a show of bugging out his eyes and gaping. Then he'd said, "I'd let you step in my neck any day." All the adults had stared at him like he was crazy, and Jess's dad gave Thion a glare that had him backpedaling quickly.
We took, a lot of photos. Photos with the soon-to-be graduates together, then separately, then with their families and some specific ones with certain people.
I enjoyed watching Chris whine and complain after what looked like the fiftieth photo, but he put on his happy smile so expertly that for the second it took, it almost looked like he was enjoying himself. That was until the picture was taken and when right back to frowning and being miserable.
All I did was smile at him from wherever I was when he looked at me. He always did. Like he was hoping I'd come swoop him away or something.
We packed up and left a little after four. Us friends drove together with Chris behind the wheel, where I found out just how nervous they were. Jess kept dabbing makeup on, and Nate rubbed his hands up and down his thighs continuously while jerking his leg.
Chris and Thion were the calmer among the group. We all tried to defuse all the anxiety in the car by cracking jokes and talking about the graduation party Jess's parents were throwing for them afterward.
It was hard finding parking when we got to the location. It was also hard finding the rest of the group when we were outside of the building because of how packed it was.
Eventually, with some walking around and Jess talking on the phone with Julia for a few minutes, they found each other. For the next hour or so, they talked and laughed before it was time for them to go in and get set up.
I watched them slip into their gowns and their parents helped them fix their caps and I tried not to, but I felt out of place and left out. This was a happy occasion, but I found myself clearing my throat subtly and breathing a little deeper when it got too hard to.
I told myself I wouldn't do this, that if I cried it would be just out of happiness for my friends and the next step in their lives. But it was more than that. I've always had the habit of befriending people who were older than me and this was what I got for it every time. This wasn't the first time I'd had friends who were seniors and they graduated and left me. But this was the first time I had a genuine connection with them, and I didn't want it to break.
All the other seniors I'd known probably didn't even remember my name. I was never truly friends with them, not like I was with this group, so the fact that I never heard from them again after their graduation (that I hadn't gone to) hadn't bothered me. That's why I never really had friends. I can't help thinking this will be the same and I didn't want that—not with them—but it's not something I could control.
"Hey," Chris's low voice came from in front of me. I'd been too busy staring at my shoes and trying not to cry to even notice him coming over to me. "Don't start crying on me now."
Why? Why would he say that? I had it under control until he said that.
A tear fell, splattering on the concrete and leaving a wet mark. I didn't know if he saw it or he just knew by my lack of reply, but he hugged me then. Pulled me into him and held me tight.
"Ari," he muttered, his voice cracking. "You know I don't do well with this." His voice was hoarse—strained—and he held me tighter.
I laughed despite my insides and outsides quaking with emotion, and my tears coming a lot faster.
Pulling away, I wiped under my eyes, happy I turned down my mom's suggestion for makeup. I'd known this would happen and I didn't want to look like a total wreck, just a regular one.
"I'm fine," I said, clearing my throat when it came out too husky for him to hear. "I'm fine," I repeated, laughing a little and focusing more on rubbing away the wetness on my hands now, than looking at him.
He didn't step back, and I caught sight of the wet trail my tears left on his gown even though it was black. I rubbed at it gently.
"Sorry," I grumbled, finally meeting his eyes.
I knew I shouldn't be, but I was surprised to see his eyes red and teary and a smear of wetness still on his cheek from where he'd wiped away a few of his own stray tears.
"I'm sorry," I said again, my voice softer than intended. "I shouldn't be making this all sad and stuff. It's just so final and it kind of hit me." I tried to smile. "I'm not crying anymore tonight, I swear. This is a happy occasion."
Then he tried to smile and failed. And my eyes watered again. He pulled me in for another hug. Seconds later, other arms and bodies were on us and I was buried in the most intense, emotional group hug I've ever had.
At exactly five, all soon-to-be graduates were called into the building to get set up and at five-thirty the rest of us were too. The ceremony started at six and it was long.
I didn't think I could sit through this thing twice, not even if I was going to be the one graduating next time.
Still, I stayed focused on what they were saying—even turned off my phone. It's not like anyone was gonna text me or anything. All my friends were a bit busy and my dad was probably still at work.
By the end of the ceremony, my throat hurt like hell and I regretted not bringing honey or something.
When any of my friends' names were called, I cheered as loudly as I could along with their family members and friends around me. We had some help from them too as they cheered each other on.
I could've sworn the entire building went out of control when Thion's name was called and I laughed deliriously when he grinned and did some special handshake with our principal. It genuinely warmed my heart.
I didn't cry again because all I could do was smile so wide the entire time that my face had started to cramp up. It was the best graduation of all graduations. I didn't even want to go to mine next year.
The event ended at nine. Someone got on the mic and told us where we could meet the official graduates after they marched out, single file, in two lines, and perfectly coordinate, through the tunnels at the back of the arena.
They were all outside the building, out of their caps and gowns, and waving us over when we finally exited the main doors with the crowd.
And finally—finally!—the happiness I should've been feeling weeks ago, was there.
I took in their beaming faces and excitement and I couldn't not feel the exact same way. This was the beginning of their lives—that's what I was seeing now. And I wasn't going to try and hold them back anymore out of fear that they'll forget about me.
I'll be here, working hard to get where they were and I'm going to let them live how they're supposed to.
Jess's house wasn't decorated too much. There was a huge banner that read 'Congratulations Class of 2020', and that was the most drastic thing there. Other than that, there were mostly balloons everywhere.
Most of the furniture was pushed toward the walls, leaving an open space in the living room and a table was by the fireplace with a huge cake in the center along with small things like different kinds of sandwiches, and then sweets.
Outside was where the real food was. They had foil containers of different kinds of rice, meat, and then there was the mac n cheese and a number of different salads in huge bowls.
I had a full plate of almost everything, which was expected, and sat around one of the tables they set up next to the pool, watching the surface ripple and the lights engraved in the walls inside it.
My mind went to Chris as I was eating and what I decided to do since yesterday. Today had confirmed that I should. It was obvious what we had going on wasn't going to work out and I knew he would understand that.
I looked up, my eyes not searching long before I found him, and I smiled as he grinned at whatever Nate was telling him.
My lips twitched because it reminded me of a time when I didn't know him. When I'd been a stranger, watching the same scene from a distance and wondering what they were talking about.
Looking back down at my plate, I suddenly lost all desire to touch any of my food. I would choke on everything if I even tried. Dropping my fork, I reached for my cup of water and took a long drink so my mouth felt less like sandpaper.
"Mind if I sit?"
I looked up and was suspicious to see Zan standing behind the chair across from me.
"Sure," I said, dragging out the word slowly. What did this fool want?
He smiled but it hardly counted because it wasn't genuine.
If I hadn't wanted to eat before, I definitely didn't now. Not with how my stomach was rolling with anxiety. I wasn't comfortable being alone with him. And it wasn't that he was creepy- it was mostly his presence.
I looked around him to give myself something to do and keep my eyes off him. The yard was slowly starting to fill up with more people and as much as I desperately called out to someone telepathically, I was curious as to what Zan wanted.
When I looked back at him, he was already staring at me with his arms crossed on top if the table. Drawing back slowly, my eyes averted as awkwardness settled around us. Or maybe it was just me?
"What?" I said when my eyes settled back on him and he was still staring intensely. The weirdo was making my skin crawl.
"You don't like me very much, do you?"
I pressed my lips together before I remembered I should probably say something. Then dragged out a "Whaaat?" my voice high pitched and fake. "Says who?"
His smile was more genuine this time. "Do I get to know why you have a problem with me?"
I shook my head, dropping my eyes to my plate. "I don't have a problem." I took up my cup again, downing the rest of my water.
"Oh, really?" he retorted. I gave him a fake smile.
He leaned back, brushing his hand through his hair that had grown out a couple of inches since I last saw him. It reminded me so much of Chris and my heart did that thing again. Only now it was more painful than pleasurable.
"Then why can't you look at me for more than two seconds?" he said matter-of-factly.
"I don't like eye contact." The lie came naturally. I was so good at it, I scared myself sometimes.
"Isn't that a load of crap." He was grinning now. It's like he could see right through me.
I shook my head, dropping the act. "What is it?"
I didn't want to be rude to him. Like I said, he was Chris's brother and he hadn't done anything to me, so the least I could do was be respectful and civil. As much as I could. No matter all the crap he's done to Chris over the years.
His smile was victorious now. "What's your problem with me?"
I shrugged. "I do not have a problem with you," I said, crossing my arms. My hands had started to shake because confrontation had never been my thing. "I have a problem with how you treat him." My eyes went over his shoulder to where Chris was.
Some new faces had joined in his and Nate's conversation.
Zan turned to look over his shoulder and spotted who I'd been staring at. His expression was incredulous when he looked back at me. "Chris?" I didn't reply; giving him his answer. "He's my brother," he emphasized, leaning forward. "It's my job to be a pain in the ass."
"Yeah, well he's delicate," I snapped unintentionally. I took a deep breath before my next words. "Did you hear anything he said when we were in New York?" I retorted, watching his expression cool. "He's not comfortable being around you because of you being a pain in the ass. That didn't bother you at all? Because hearing all the shit you put him through made me despise you and I'm not sorry about it."
His expression changed to something more understanding—dare I say soft. "Chris and I talked about that actually."
My eyes went up and I looked away. "I've heard."
"Wait," he drawled, "so you know we talked it out?"
I nodded.
"And that we're okay now?"
I shrugged.
"Then what's the problem?" he said in disbelief.
"I know how to keep a grudge."
He stared at me, speechless with his mouth open. "You don't know me."
Letting out a breath, I leaned forward. "Look," I started, "I'm more protective of your brother than you are. And anyone who messes with him emotionally or physically will be on my bad side. It doesn't matter if I know you."
"You're crazy," he said, but he was smiling.
"Sure, whatever."
He didn't leave after that, and I didn't ask him to. The conversation kept going and I didn't want to admit that he might be somewhat of a cool guy.
Some of my friends, including Chris, had come over after spotting us, to be nosy. Chris beamed after I told him his brother had been tolerable in the past fifteen minutes we'd been conversing. That's how I knew they hashed out most of their differences, he was happy about it.
Throughout the evening, my appetite didn't come back full force but I did have a good night. We mostly sat around and talked for hours, my friends going back for second and third shares of food. I'd given my first plate to Thion when they'd just came over and ignored the looks I got for that.
A number of them kept asking me if I was hungry the whole night until I got a small plate of salad and some rice. That's when they knew for sure something was up. My excuse was that I hadn't been feeling well but it wasn't enough for me to want to go home or go to sleep.
It was around eleven when the place started clearing out, and a few minutes to one it was practically deserted safe for a number of people.
I'd stepped out the back after helping with clean-up in the kitchen when I spotted Chris hanging out by the pool. The feet of his khakis were rolled up and his feet dipped in the water.
I made my way over to him, breathing deeply and telling myself this was necessary—it made sense and it was logical.
He looked up as I got closer and smiled at me, leaning back on his palms, as his feet moved back and forth in the water. I smiled back because I couldn't do anything else.
"Are you soothed?" I said, lowering myself a few feet away but close enough to him.
He grinned wide and I felt a wave of sadness and total love for him. I loved that he smiled so easily, that he was so open and unafraid but terrified of his emotions. So welcoming. All of from the start.
"The soothest," he replied, keeping that heart-stopping smile on me for just another second before turning his gaze back to the water.
We sat in silence for a moment. I listened to the low humming of the jets in the pool water and the crickets chirping from the neatly trimmed bushes aligned with the high, iron-spiked fences that framed the yard.
It seemed like the worst but the best time to bring this up, but I knew I wouldn't get another chance like this. Not when I didn't know what the outcome would be—how he'd react. And with him and the others leaving for their trip on Sunday... this wasn't something I wanted to talk to him about over the phone, no matter how much easier it would be.
I had to rip the band-aid off. Right now.
I hugged my legs to my chest, staring at the water. With my chin pressed against my knees, I started the conversation. "You know this isn't going to work, don't you?"
He looked over at me, but I kept my eyes on the water.
"What do you mean?"
I swallowed hard and met his eyes. "Us."
His once relaxed features were twisted in confusion and something else.
When he didn't say anything, I lifted my head, my heart pounding in my chest. I was on the verge of panic, but I kept going. "You know how you're easing into college life, and living on your own, by spending the summer in New York?" He didn't say anything, but I could tell it was sinking in, where this was going. His expression changed—became more guarded. I folded my legs in front of me and held onto my calves, hoping that would make it easier to breathe.
I continued. "I think we should do the same thing with this—with us. Stop now and make it easier." My voice was nothing more than a whisper and my chest was almost heaving when he turned away again. He stared blankly—unblinking—at his feet in the water. They'd stopped moving. "Chris we can't... keep doing this." My voice got lower and lower. "You kno-"
"Is that what this is about?" he said, his tone unreadable. When he looked at me, I could tell by his eyes that he wasn't going to understand. "You're still upset that I'm leaving for the summer?"
I shook my head. "No. No, Chris, I just think it wouldn't be fair-"
"And that's the thing," he said, his voice lowered, an edge seeping into his tone, "this is all about you and what you think. What's best for you."
My head was still shaking, his words making my head swim. "That's not true-"
"Yes, it is," he said firmly. He was trying to keep his voice down, to stop from attracting attention from the few people who were lounging about out here. I couldn't focus on them though, because his words were slicing through me. "All I've ever tried to do was give you what you want, when you want it."
"This isn't just about me," I said, my voice rising but not enough for anyone to hear. "I know how you are, but I'm trying to be logical, here. First," I counted off the points on my fingers as I spoke, "I'm not even allowed to date-"
"That's an excuse," he cut me off.
My eyes snapped back up to his and I choked out, "Excuse me?"
He shook his head at me, the look he gave me—of betrayal and hurt—made me take in a breath that caught in my throat. "That's an excuse and you know it. You're insecure and scared, Ari. Or is it because I'm white." He made a face at the last word, rolling his eyes with a scoff. It wasn't a question either. That was what he thought.
My skin prickled and I involuntarily pushed myself back from him. "You're bringing that up. Seriously?"
"And why shouldn't I?" he retorted, stuttering over his words to get them out faster. "It's always seemed to bother you because you don't like that about me."
He kept going but I didn't listen to half of it. I leaned forward, dropping my face into my hands as tears ran down my cheeks and my entire body heated. I wanted to shout at him and choke him at the same time.
I looked up not long after, wiping my face as I said, "Just shut the hell up, Christian. This has nothing to do with that!" My voice broke and I didn't give a fuck who heard me when he was spewing bullshit because he refused to see things clearly.
It didn't matter how much I wiped away my tears, they still came, so I stopped trying.
Surprisingly, he did shut up, but he was glaring at me, his jaw working. The look made my body lock up and not in a good way.
"I don't feel comfortable with you waiting on me," I said. "It's better if we just stopped now, okay? Especially since we don't even know if this thing between us will still be here by next year." He was talking before I even finished.
"Then what was the point," he almost spat the words at me and my heart squeezed and I flinched. He lowered his voice as he said, "What was the point of giving me hope? Of having sex with me? Making love to me, over and over again. Was this a game to you?" His body was twisted toward me as much as he could, and his eyes- his face... He looked so broken and confused that it undid me.
The tears were running freely down my face and my body shook so bad I knew he noticed, and I couldn't do anything to stop it.
"Or was it out of pity?" he added, leaning back. "You felt sorry for the inexperienced white boy?"
I wished he'd stop saying that because it wasn't any of that. I did it because I wanted to do it and I wanted it with him. But I knew if I opened my mouth, an embarrassing amount of nonsense would come out because my chest was heaving too much for me to even breathe right. Chris made his own conclusion though.
"Ari." His voice lost its edge and I didn't realize I'd dropped my gaze to focus on my breathing. When I looked at him, I saw that he took my silence the wrong way and his eyes had watered and gotten red.
"Hey, you guys! Are you good?" I heard someone call from the shed near the house. We didn't turn away from each other.
Chris shook his head like he didn't want to believe what he assumed was actually true. And it wasn't true, and that's why I was shaking my head.
"No- Chris-"
He was already getting up, running a hand through his hair roughly. He snatched his hand away when I held it and tried to pull him back down.
"Chris, that's-"
"No," he cut me off.
The next second I was up, and I tried to step in front of him, only for him to trip over my entire body. It was something that happened a lot. But this time, seeing as there wasn't much ground on the other side of me, he couldn't catch us like he usually did.
My eyes were wide as we went over. Out of reflex, my hands grabbed onto his arms and his arm circled my waist while his hand held the back of my head.
I drew in a deep breath and closed my eyes before we broke through the surface of the water.
My entire body burned in the cold water and Chris held me tighter even after we went down like anchors, only letting me go when we were floating back to the surface, so I could swim up myself.
The feeling of my ears clogging and the muffled rush of the water, along with the coldness, made me shudder. I kept my eyes shut as I swam to the surface blindly.
I sputtered and drew in a loud breath when I was above water again. Now I remembered why I hated swimming.
Running my hand down my face, I blinked drops of water out of my eyes, looking around for Chris until I saw him already swimming back to the edge of the pool.
My breathing became shallow, and I briefly took in the bodies rushing over and the muffled shouting (water was still in my ear) before I focused on him again. Or his back as he pulled himself out of the pool, refusing everybody's help and ignoring their questions has he swiftly made his way across the tiled ground and toward the house.
♤♠♤
The following week, I heard nothing from Christian.
I texted him—threw my pride in the garbage and spammed his phone. He hadn't read any of them. And even though we ended up losing our streak after like two hundred days, I still kept snapping him anyway. Still apologizing and hoping he'd answer and at least called me.
He and the others had left for their trip the Monday after the weekend of graduation and I knew they had reception up in at the cabin because everyone else had been texting and snapping me—asking me what was up with him. I hadn't responded to any of them, which gave them the thought that it wasn't only Chris. Something had happened between us and they were determined to find out but they weren't getting answers from him.
After that first week, I gave up. I gave up groveling and begging him through ignored messages. I still cried sometimes whenever I wasn't doing anything to occupy my mind and images of his broken expression crossed my mind. When those happened, I always went to the bathroom or go lock myself in my room if my mom was home.
She knew something was wrong because I'd been crying when they pulled me out of the pool at Jess's and shakily asked her if we could go home. That whole week she'd stared at me for long moments because I'd been less than myself. I stayed in the same corners, didn't leave my room until like three in the afternoon for breakfast and I missed showers on some days.
I was only eating once a day because my appetite had vanished. Watching TV only did so much to keep my mind preoccupied and halfway through the second week, I started looking for job openings close to where I lived—places I could walk to.
It was Wednesday, some time after noon, and I'd been browsing for those jobs and saw an opening for a pet grooming shop when my phone started lighting up on the bed next to me.
Glancing at the phone, Jess's huge smile lit up my screen with the incoming facetime call. I'd been dodging all their calls since last week and I'd told myself to keep doing it because I wasn't in the mood for the questions and probing. I didn't even know what I'd tell them if they asked.
Not like I could openly throw it out there that we've been messing around for months and recently started fucking and I tried to break it off and fucked everything up.
My phone screen went black and I could focus on my computer screen. But my phone started lighting up again seconds later.
Letting out a sigh, I stared at it.
I leaned over and swiped my finger across the screen, accepting the call. Jess's face came into view while she got a nice shot of my ceiling.
"What the fuck happened?" she said loudly.
I cringed; happy my mom was at work.
"I'm searching for a job and I think I found something f-"
"Fuck that, what happened between you and Chris, Ari?"
Swallowing shouldn't have been as hard and painful as it was then. "What?" I said, playing dumb.
"He's fucking miserable!"
"Okay, can we stop shouting and cussing?" I said, losing interest in my job search and setting my computer aside so I could sit back against my headboard and bring my legs up to my chest.
"Sorry," she apologized, shaking her head. "I'm j- I'm not used to seeing him like this."
My hands started to shake and breathed deeply to stop from stuttering or having my voice crack when I said, "Like what?"
"He's only said a few words to all of us since we packed up to come here, right?" she started, and I chewed on my bottom lip. "He didn't go over his usual stupid list of things not to do in his dad's cabin, and went straight to his room and stayed there. Like what the f-" she stopped herself from cursing again.
"We..." I trailed off, almost cursing myself because I still hadn't come up with a valid excuse. "We had a misunderstanding, that's all."
She scoffed, the phone going blank for a second before it was propped up perfectly to show me her face. "Yeah, no. Nate's been bringing him food every day and he hardly eats any of it, and last night-" she tilted back dramatically and when she sat up she pushed herself closer to the phone screen, lowering her voice. "Last night, he came out and saw us drinking. Didn't say anything! And just took a whole bottle of Vodka and brought it back to his room without a word."
I wanted to ask them where they got Vodka, but that wasn't my main focus. Chris never let anyone drink when they go to his dad's cabin, and he didn't either, but now she's saying he basically left them all to do whatever the hell they wanted. With Vodka, not just beer.
"Julia was walking past his room last night and heard him crying. We tried to get him to open the door, just to make sure he wouldn't die in there or something, but he just kept shouting for us to leave him the fuck alone."
My body felt numb and I held my head between my hands and almost curled into myself when I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up at the same time. My breathing was heavy and if I could hear it, I knew she could.
"Ari, what happened?" She said softly.
"Can I talk to him?" I said without thinking, but I didn't regret it. That's what I wanted—I needed to talk to him. "Just let me talk to him, please." I didn't know if I was pleading to her or God, because I knew Jess would let me talk to him. The hard part would be getting Chris to talk to me.
The phone started going in and out of focus after she took it up and every nerve and pulse in my body beat in a thousand different patterns, leaving me a throbbing, aching mass of hurt. It all hurt. It hurt to breathe, to sit, even when I moved to snatch my phone up.
I wanted to get up, to move around because I felt restless as my knees jerked. Somehow I knew I'd fall over if I did, so I stayed in bed, pressing my hand to my hot forehead.
Jess called his name on the other end of the call. I wanted to clear my throat because it felt clogged, but I couldn't even do that.
Is this what dying felt like?
My free hand was clutched in a tight fist against my chest as I waited, staring at the screen that showed Jess's neck and chin.
I heard when a door opened and I stopped everything, listening to Jess explain that I was on the phone and I wanted to talk to him.
She held the phone out and I was staring at his chest and under his chin and jaw. He didn't move, just kept staring ahead so I couldn't see his expression, but I didn't say anything. I didn't my voice to trigger something before he decided to take the phone.
But he took it, and everything blurred for a second on the screen again. His name passed my lips before I could stop myself and I heard Jess shouting. Only for a fraction of a second before the call ended.
My lips parted and a sharp breath left me. It was the same feeling as having someone slam a door so hard in your face that you felt the vibrations in the walls as if you were a part of the house itself.
I stared at my phone, not even seeing it, and soon enough I actually wasn't. My eyes burned and the tears came again. And they kept coming because I was tired of crying, and that was all I've been doing for the longest time.
I didn't want to cry anymore—feel like this anymore.
My phone was across the room and slamming into my closet door as I screamed, "Fuck you!" Because I couldn't say it to his face. Because he won't let me. He won't let us fix this. He doesn't want this fixed. "I'm fucking trying!"
And I kept talking to myself like a damn lunatic—like he was there. Then the only sounds that came out of me were sobs. My chest felt like it was caving in. I couldn't move and the pulse in my temples pounded so hard my head hurt. Pain flooded my body so much that I had to hug myself tight, trying to ease it, but I couldn't.
He was the only one who could.
♤♠♤
Welp.
I teared up writing this. It's a lot heavier but that's reserved for their next book.
Details on that will be posted soon.