(Caroline's P.O.V.)
Once you go there, to an intimacy almost too painful to feel, it was hard to feel hatred. Practically impossible. Loki and I, our relationship had always been so fucked up. We didn't hate each other, not at all. He felt undeniably drawn to me, he called it love. What was love, really? Was it feeling so strongly for someone, putting their happiness above yours, unconditionally?
In that case, I couldn't tell for sure. It was just as legitimate to call it love, as calling it a toxic obsession. But that would've been too easy. As for my feelings, well, Loki and Tom started out as the same person. It was Tom's pure, unscarred self which drew me to him, he was my save haven. Loki had experienced all the ugliness and horror of this universe, he was affected and tainted by it. He was angry, unpredictable, and unscrupulous.
But when he held me like he did that night, it changes everything. You can't experience that, and still loathe him. For the first time, I actually saw him vulnerable. So there, amidst the silky sheets, with skin kissing skin, I understood. It was all a facade, to protect a man starved of affection and hungry for tenderness. There was no play, no deceit, it was raw and real.
The first time he tried transforming me, I had thought he had wanted to rape me. I imagined it violent and painful and horrible. Loki was nothing like that, he didn't love like that. His touch was incredibly tender, savoring, almost worshipping. I was a goddess then, too - I felt like I never felt before. The sensation was beyond everything a human could have endured, intense and not from this world. I trailed my fingers over his scars - spiritually and physically. He needed it so bad, it broke my heart.
And then, in the middle of the night, out of breath in the aftermath of ecstasy, he whispered to me.
"Tell me you love me." Loki breathed against my forehead as I lay in his arms. "Not because of my blood in yours, or illusion, or guilt. Tell me you love me for no more but myself."
A choice between Tom and Loki was futile. It would always be Tom, despite my undeniable love for Loki. Tom had understood my mind, Loki took over my mind. It was intense for sure, and pleasurable as well, but it was unhealthy. And who could teach this thousands of years old god the real laws of love? I was too inexperienced myself.
"I love you, Loki."
---
It went on like this for weeks, in constant change. There were evenings, when we sat beside each other, warmed by a fire, talking. I saw it in his eyes how much it meant to him, Loki became an entirely different person when he told me things and I actually listened, without judgement. His eyes shone brighter when we were like this, only outshone by when my lips where on his.
I listened a lot, learnt things about him which made my heart ache with compassion or burn with anger. Other times, and these times dominated, I didn't talk to him at all. I was very much different from before he –
The sole thought was unbearable. Actually becoming aware of my situation, of what had happened to me and the one I loved, whose name was so painful to say, I couldn't. Many panic attacks had come creeping up on me, and I had suppressed them all, by simply not feeling at all. I pushed my demons into a remote corner of my brain, violently and painfully, and locked the door. I needed to cope, to be there for myself – if not for myself, then maybe for this little one.
It never changed, it was always like that. The only change I had known then was physical, it was undeniable. I felt it long before human me would've ever known. Loki, attentive and intelligent as he was, noticed my pattern, but he didn't understand how it felt. Or perhaps he did, for pain was his old friend, but he lived in denial of it. He would've had to admit doing me wrong, and he couldn't ruin his triumph now that he finally had me. Yes, I believed deep down he knew exactly how I felt, and why.
There was doubt, of course. He didn't know for sure, and I wouldn't tell him anything. Not why I would become so cold and distant, then erupt in fiery passion a night later. It burned him not to know, for he considered knowlege his greatest power. He couldn't accept being uncertain. It was another evening, when this occurred.
An unchained melody resonated through the rooms. Loki had been playing the piano again, after years off. He had asked me to sit beside him as he composed, where he told me of his unknown hobby. "The last time my hands felt keys, it was back in Asgard. Frigga had taught me."
"Your mother loves you." I had my eyes closed as my mind floated on the music of the piano and his voice.
"From when I was little. The other boys did not understand, for they were uncultured, denied the true beauty of music." Loki stopped playing and trailed his fingers on the keys without pressure, seemingly forgetful of my presence. "What a tragic loss."
"This isn't ivory." I noticed, and put my own hand on the keys.
"Correct. This is Naveryx, it does not exist on Midgard. Very solid, and yet a lot lighter than ivory, designed for gentle, skilled musicians." Loki explained with a smile on his face, he radiated differently, now that he was passionate about something. "They say, it captures the spirit of the pianist, so that even when it's not being played, the music sounds lightly. Only to those who listen to the music of the night."
"You're artistically minded, Loki."
"And you are my muse." Loki replied and turned to me. His hands left the piano and found the sides of my head, holding me gently. "If only I knew what troubles your mind."
I flinched, hopefully unnoticeably. My doors where locked, and he only had to blow against them to make the hinges shake. My demons were restless.
"There's nothing wrong with my mind." I rose from the piano stool, disengaging from his hands.
He sighed behind me. "Of all the things your parents taught you, they never taught you to lie. Your eyes betray you, Caroline."
I forced my eyes shut. Too much, not my parents, for God's sake. My stomach churned. I heard him rise as well, I needed to silence him, quickly. The tears already shot into my eyes, I couldn't break down now.
I spun around, held his gaze only for a split second before pressing my mouth to his. This seemed the only way for me to save myself, despite me not desiring his presence at all in that moment – it was true. I couldn't fool the God of Mischief and Lies. Loki kissed me back for a brief moment, then raised his head, taking my hands which I had rested on his chest into his.
"Your temper is unpredictable. You love me like no one has ever done, and then you shut me out. Why, Caroline?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." I protested, much too weakly. A lump had formed in my throat. Loki's eyes darkened, his patience had seemingly run dry. His hand held mine tighter, it would've hurt human me. Now it just made me wish to be somewhere else, without these unsettlingly beautiful green eyes demanding answer.
"All my life, people have lied to me. Even you, Caroline?" He came closer. "No, you would not. Tell me."
My tongue was frozen, all of me was. If I dared to release just one muscle, it would all come crushing down upon me. My demons would come breaking through the door, rioting in my head. So I stood there, looking this man in the eyes, tortured by my pain, torn between my feelings for him and my hatred for what he had done. I remained silent, and Loki mistook it for refusal.
"I do not wish to do this, but you leave me no choice."
I tensed up even more, for whatever was coming for me. It happened so fast, I didn't understand what had occurred at first. Loki's hand had shot to my forehead, his eyes had - as so often in the past - flared up green for a split second. In the next moment, a male groan tore through the deafening silence, and he was on his knees, panting.
I took a step back, not knowing what to do, staring at him. His hands gripped his head tightly, more groans escaped his mouth. A short moment later, it seemed to wear off, for his breathing became more controlled, though still heavy. Loki raised his head, looked up to me. Not only my eyes betrayed me - histold me everything in that vulnerable moment. We both looked at each other and knew.
Loki's vow to me, the night he transformed me, had protected me. He had no access to my mind, as I did not wish it. I had shut him out, no, he had shut himself out. Painfully.
Pity suddenly overcame me. I didn't want to see him like that, it was hurting me, it was unpleasant. My mind was a battlefield, which emotion would take the upper hand? I wanted to help him, to take away the pain as it was my pain. I knelt down to him, put my hands on his arms, where they wandered up to his face.
"I'm pregnant."
---
(Tom's P.O.V.)
It was the only place we could look, and it was standing to reason. Loki couldn't have taken her to Asgard, he was a wanted criminal there. There were many other planets and stars, but even him, with all his power, couldn't simply teleport there. Travel between the worlds was a privilege limited to the Bifröst and very few, secret pathways between the realms. There was no direct portal on Earth, at least not a permanent one.
"Please!" I begged her. "Just a little bit faster."
"Hey, don't bitch around, okay?" She groaned in annoyance."My powers need concentration. I refuse to be rushed, darling."
It was her angel powers which had teleported us close to the forest surrounding and taking up most of Loki's paradise. We had to walk the rest, and she would keep us hidden from his sight. Loki had put dark spells all around, so much I knew, and his mind was everywhere. We couldn't risk getting on his radar.
I wanted her to walk faster as it seemed like she was strolling without destination. It was true, I couldn't do without her, I owed Xenia my life.
"Remember what you promised me. Whatever we find, don't go near it."
I didn't reply. If I'd been right, if they were still there - there was nothing that could stop me. I hoped for it, so damn much, it was the only hope I had then. There was no other logical place they could go.
"Tom." Xenia called out from behind. "Tom! Our shield's cracking, for fuck's sake. I told you not so fast, or do you want to inviteLoki here?"
Reluctantly, I adjusted my pace. After another while, the trees and plants started opening up and we reached the clearing, where the forest then collided with the sea.
The sight which was unveiled to us made us gasp. The building which was once imposing, well-designed and artistic - it was nothing more than a wreckage. Some pieces of the once golden-green walls were still fuming, the fire had raged here not long ago.
I had missed her. He had burned it all, all of it, to the ground. My last hope. Disappointment shoot through me. She wasn't there, they were away, it was torturous. I clenched my fists tightly, my nails cut into my skin. He had burned everything.
My legs moved mechanically, slowly, I wanted to approach the ashes of our misery. Xenia held me back, she was stronger than she looked. "Hey!"
"I told you not to go too near."
"No..."
"Don't you dare! Tom!"
I perceived Xenia's arm suddenly shooting out, light flashed out of her palm. The light brushed the grass before my feet. Before me rose a line of fire then, up to the height of my knees.
"Not one step."
"This can't be it!" My face shot to her, to her daring grey eyes. "Something is off. He has nowhere else to go. I feel, - I feel her, even now!"
Xenia's hand tightened around my arm. "Your feelings corrupt your mind. Listen, I never said this isn't hard, it's not fair and it's hell and you don't deserve this. But no amount of feeling will get her here, Tom."
"How dare you – "
"Don't pull a Loki on me. I have no reason to lie to you. As your guardian angel, it's my job to beat the facts into your head, if I have to."
I glared at her, unable to say anything in retort. I sighed, exasperated in defeat.
This was the only place I knew. Searching for them without any sign would be searching for a needle in a haystack. Loki could have taken her everywhere, to the remotest parts of this world, to every single corner he had access to. All the while I was tied to Xenia and to my limited possibilities to find Caroline.
Forgotten was all the pain I felt the night I burned. All forgotten, just to feel the sweet pain of her absence. I desired it, I needed the pain, it was more precious than air. The loss reminded me of her, reminded me that she was there and not an illusion. Illustions are fragile and short-lived, but Caroline was reality.
She wouldn't simply vanish into thin air. She was alive, I felt it. Loki, despite all his cruelties, wouldn't kill her. She was real, and she was somewhere on this earth.
Wherever you are, I won't stop searching. Whatever it takes, I will find you. I will search forever, until my dying day.
---
"Cast enough illusions, and you risk forgetting what is real."
This man, this shadow, once again to haunt my dreams. It was the first night I got to see his face, his features were darkened by an emotion I couldn't exactly interpret. One thing betrayed him - the inflection, the tone of voice. Loki talked like this.
"It's unwise to taunt a man who has lost everything." I threatened. "Who are you and what do you want?"
I earned a laugh I had always wanted to break Loki's jaw for. It was disrespectful and condescending, much like him. He walked around me, circling like a lion around his prey. I was on the verge of forgetting this was but a dream.
"You don't trust me."
"Would you?"
"I'll give you that one." He suddenly stood still, with a sudden change of gaze. "Your little friend. You should listen to her."
"Why on Earth would I take orders from you?"
"Dear God, Thomas, are you always so annoying?" He sighed. My blood boiled. "I'm the only one who can help you right now."
"As if - "
"You're looking for Caroline, are you not?"
Her name changed the game. In my state of hopelessness and desperation, I clung to everything that could be remotely helpful. I had to engage in a conversation with this unpleasant man. He appeared to know something about Caroline, but I sensed he wouldn't give me information, not so easily.
"How do you know?" I questioned him, now a bit friendlier hoping I could get something out of him.
"I believe that's none of your concern, not yet."
"Then why coming here? Why all this, if you're not helping, as you said you would?"
Silence masked the air all around me, I could hear the faint sound of rain falling in the distance. Fog diminished my vision, I saw nothing except for this dark silhouette in front of me.
"Dear Thomas." He began, slightly irriated but with unyielding composure. "We are on the same side. You could never fathom the backgrounds of my choices, and I don't need you to. Let me assure you of this - "
He stepped closer. His eyes, these unsettling eyes, my mind vibrated violently.
"The sun will shine on her again."
I surfaced, bathed in sweat and gasping for air. My heart beat undyingly against my chest as I lay in my bed. The first rays of the sunrise broke through the window. I panted. "Araziel."