Monday
Despite the huge disappointment he got on Sunday evening, Senn felt... okay. Nowhere near good, not exactly happy, but not like slowly dying bit by bit either.
Which was a big improvement compared to the week before.
It meant that he had managed to stay in school all day, actually pay a decent amount of attention to what the teachers were saying, and he wasn't sent to the principal's office once. He also hadn't fallen asleep, and he had successfully ignored the stinging pain whenever Elio made a joke and flashed him a goofy smile that had a whole other effect on Senn than Elio intended.
He wanted to kiss Elio again, so, so badly. He wanted to spill the truth to him and tell him exactly how much the kiss had meant to him. That he simply had been too scared to admit because he wasn't ready to come out. That he was exactly like that, and he wanted Elio to be like that too.
But, he ignored the screaming need to either tell or show Elio what his goofy smiles and kind words did to him. He instead opted to sit next to Lucas during lunch and ask Lucas to hang out after school.
Which was kind of a surprise, since Senn hadn't exactly been enthusiastic about hanging out at all in the past few months. It already had surprised Lucas and Avan that he came out on Sunday to play videogames like they always used to, during better times.
"Oh, I didn't think you'd wanna hang out again already," Lucas replied sheepishly while he toyed around the key to his bike lock. "Thought you might need a breather."
"Well, no." Senn shrugged. Truth be told, he missed hanging out with them and on Sunday it had—only shortly—felt as if nothing had changed in his life. As if everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be. "I enjoyed hanging out yesterday and I kinda realize that it is something I miss right now. I mean, the things I miss most are gone forever but I still have you guys and I know I fucked up by not showing my face or letting you know anything for so long but I... I don't know... I was hoping, you know..."
"Senn," Lucas cut him short, placing a hand on his shoulder while chuckling awkwardly. "It's okay, we get it. We agreed to hang out at the river today. Just our little group, our rock, some alcohol and maybe some weed if Avan can get his hands on it."
"That honestly sounds amazing. Beats sitting in a room that suffocates me."
"By all means, join us. I'm going to pick up alcohol with my fake ID on my way to the river."
"I'll wait outside. I lost mine after the accident."
Lucas nodded and together, they rode their bike towards the local liquor store while chatting about their day in school. Lucas complained about his too strict Chemistry teacher and Senn complained about his Spanish teacher who kept telling Senn he should know this by now because she taught them the year before.
It was actually nice, talking to Lucas about everyday things without feeling awkward or as if Lucas was treating him any different. It was all helping him to feel better, and distract him from his mind and heart fighting over what to do with Elio.
Which became a lot clearer as soon as they reached the river with cans of beer and two bottles of wine for the girls; he shouldn't do anything with the fact he was longing to kiss Elio again.
For Elio was seated on the grass while Joyce was casually chilling in his arms. They seemed cozy, they seemed like a couple. They seemed way too close for comfort and the fact neither Avan nor Samantha seemed surprised they were cuddling up right in front of them told Senn that this wasn't anything new.
And it made Senn want to throw up.
Of all girls, it had to be his ex Joyce? What was Elio trying to do? Fuck him up even worse? How hypocrite of him after trying to give him reasons to continue. Dating his ex after kissing him wasn't exactly a good motivation to continue.
It felt like a backstabbing move, really, from both sides. Though that probably wasn't completely fair to Joyce since she had no clue he was into Elio more than just being friends who had a habit of ditching school together.
"Lucas? What the fuck?" Senn hissed, waving his hand in their direction before the others had noticed their arrival.
"Oh," Lucas muttered, frowning at the sight.
"Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"I hadn't exactly expected them to be... this close already." Lucas shrugged. "Is it bothering you? I mean, Joyce was really worried about your reaction and she doesn't know you're joining us today..."
"When did it happen, Lucas?" Senn really just wanted to know when they started hanging out in other ways than friends. Had it been before, or after their kiss the week before? The least Elio could've done was tell him the night before, when they spoke about their kiss. He could've mentioned their kiss meant nothing simply because he was apparently dating Senn's ex girlfriend.
"They kissed at that party last Friday. Which is why I didn't expect much right now." Lucas prevented him from walking closer. "Senn, seriously, is it bothering you? I get it if it's too fresh to see Joyce move on..."
"No, Lucas..." Senn shook his head, his sadness growing every second. He sighed deeply before he shrugged a shoulder. "It's..."
He couldn't possibly explain to Lucas it was indeed bothering him. He couldn't because Lucas wouldn't understand why it was bothering him. This had nothing to do with Joyce moving on, though it was just another piece of evidence their lives continues while his stopped.
This had everything to do with the fact that Senn wanted pull Joyce away from Elio by her hair, because he wanted to be the one who was laying in his arms while their friends didn't give a shit about them.
He wanted to scream at Elio, but he didn't know what to say. Not in front of the others, not without telling them his biggest secret. He wanted to rip out Joyce's hair for kissing Elio behind his back without explaining to her why he felt so bothered by them hooking up.
"It's fine, Lucas. I'm just surprised." He decided to lie, not willing to get into this discussion. He knew his friends well enough to know they wouldn't drop the subject until Senn had voiced exactly what was bothering him, and he wasn't willing to pretend he was hurt over Joyce, rather than Elio.
Maybe they'd accept the excuse that he hated how much had changed while he wasn't there to witness it.
Maybe.
Because everything had changed, and Senn felt incapable of catching up with them. As if their lives took place miles apart from his and they only every so often met up to talk about insignificant things. Because in other aspects of their lives there no longer seemed to be a connection.
But Avan and Lucas knew him well enough to know when he was lying, or not telling the full truth. They probably wouldn't stop nagging until Senn admitted it was Elio kissing Joyce that bothered him, not Joyce kissing Elio.
Why did it have to be Elio Lake, of all people?
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Love, June