HEY! *throws angst at you like flower petals from the flower girl at the wedding*
alright, it's friday, and I'VE GOT NEWS:::::: read it at the end I won't bother you up here.
anyway, happy friday
-rabid
STEPH
Rocket is the only thing keeping me sane. I'm all the way dead getting onto the plane for San José. It's one of those days where all I can manage to do is keep my head down and breathe.
Gage switches seats with Rocket so he can sit next to me, but Rocket spends the whole flight completely asleep next to me.
Nico is the one that asks if I'm feeling alright on the way off the plane. The reason I'm especially feeling not okay is because August posted on instagram for the first time in about three months. It had become some stupid goal of mine to end up on her instagram, but instead of being some cute post with me in it, it's a picture of her and Gabby at a coffee shop with the caption 'no need for that boy here' which hurt. A lot. I'll admit it hurt more than I wanted it to.
"Steph that wasn't an answer." She holds me in the back of the pack, her hand on my stomach to keep me from moving forward. I tried to nod and pass off her question but Nico can see through bullshit.
"I know." I keep my voice down, unable to bring it above a mumble.
"It's the girl, isn't it." She crosses her arms and I stare at the rest of the group walking away. "Come on, Steph, you gotta talk sometime."
I don't talk, instead I hand her the phone, showing her the post.
"Ah, yeah, ouch."
"It's just," I pinch the bridge of my nose. "I had some stupid idea to be in her next post, just a goal in my head. I wanted that, but when the next post is that, it, it's fucking stupid. I should shut up."
"No, no," She's scrolling through the comments. "You were right to want on the page, because half these comments are from guys asking around."
"Don't remind me."
"Right," she hands me back my phone. "I don't want to step too far, but, how's Jills handling this?"
"She hates me," I let out a long breath. "She hasn't talked to me since it happened."
"Right."
"I haven't even talked to her enough to ask her to bring her girlfriend over for dinner yet. She barely lives in the apartment."
"Girlfriend?"
I drag my hands over my face. "Yeah, she's got a girlfriend."
"Cool, I mean," Nico shrugs. "So she's not even home?"
"Maybe a night a week, she's been sleeping at Helen's."
"So she's pissed."
"Yeah." I mumble. "And when she does talk, she just gives me hell for it all over again."
"Wow, alright." Nico mumbles. "So you're in a shitty situation with all the girls in your life."
"Yeah, you're the only one still civil."
"I don't think I count, Steph." She laughs. "Just, tell me if you need a break or need anything at all, I know it hurts."
I nod. "I want what you and Fen have."
"What do you mean?"
"You're always comfortable around each other and fooling around, and you're all over his instagram and he's all over yours and everyone knows about you two, you're just stable."
"I don't think you'd like a relationship like Fen and I have, Steph. I think you'd hate it."
"Why?"
"Fen and I treat each other like we're brothers." She turns a little pink around the ears. "I mean, wrestling but competitively, scrimmaging but no boundaries whatsoever. We make fun of each other and play sometimes merciless pranks on each other. I think you need something with a lot more cushion than that. I doubt you'd like it if August roasted you for everything you did."
"What do you mean?"
"I think you're a little sensitive to like what Fen and I have, in the least offensive way possible."
"Alright, but," I rub my hand over my eyes. "You're stable, you tell each other everything, you're still together."
"Trust me, Steph," She pulls my hand off my eyes. "We have rough patches too, just like any relationship. You and August will turn out just fine."
"How can you be sure?"
"I'm not sure, but you can at least hope." She must have just seen the permanent red stains on the edges of my eyes and that they're welling up again now. "Oh, Steph,"
"It's not a big deal, I'm fine." I blink a couple times.
"No, it is, this is my team, my boys, I gotta make sure all of you are okay," she looks around, "go back to your room at the hotel, take a shower, and if you're up for it, and only if you're up to it, come to media, I really want you to skip it, but if you want to, you can come." she's chewing her lip, studying me in the way she does to everyone, picking out every weakness she can fix and then exactly how to do it. Normally it's only for hockey, but this conversation has proven to me that she can do emotions too. "I'm making Rocket and Yeti stay on you at all times, you can't mope on a roadie, that's for when we're home. We need to keep you busy, it's going to suck but the less time you have to breathe the less time you have to think."
I snort. "That directly contradicts the shower statement."
"No it doesn't," she crosses her arms, "difference between moping and taking care of yourself. You're ragged at best and you need a break from peak-season. After that we're giving you constant fire things to do until you have time to take care of yourself again."
"Thanks." I mumble, "kinda."
AUGUST
I'm watching hockey. I hate myself for it, but I'm watching hockey. It's not the best decision I've ever made and it's surely not the worst, but it's somewhere in the bad.
August is at Zak's tonight, like 6/7 days of the week. She's mostly moved in over there, but somehow the thought of having to live alone is weird to me. I'm not sure I like it. I definitely didn't notice that I was going to have to live alone when I was with Steph, I spent about a night a week sleeping over at their house, cuddled up with him, peacefully ignoring all the weird red flags in his life.
It really should've been straight up obvious he wasn't who he said he was. The people that showed up to his birthday that were all clearly not engineers, the fact that none of them were really canadian and all of them were too athletic for their own good. The business trips and staying until midnight at the 'office' some days. It really should've made sense that no normal business has hours like that.
The fact that he didn't have any social media, according to him, yet knew about everything Jilly posted, the fact that I knew there was an instagram, twitter, you name it, on his phone. The fact that he never ate anything unhealthy, scratch a few marshmallows here and there but nothing else. He lives off grilled chicken, cereal and noodles with minimal toppings. I knew that was weird, but I thought it was just a preference thing.
"So, Stephan, how has the season been so far in Regina, are you and Stojanovič settling in well with the new team?"
"Yeah, generally it's been really awesome out here. I mean, cold and windy all the time in Regina but that's alright. The team has been fantastic, it's definitely more of a family out here than in Boston. All the guys are wicked nice and everyone's super close, it's a huge difference from some of the teams I've been on."
"So, there's been a rumor rolling around of you getting traded, want to shed some light?"
My heart closes up at this, my chest gets tight. I can't afford to lose Steph, even if he's already gone.
He just laughs. "Yeah, Montreal made me an offer earlier in the year but the staff and I here decided to turn it down, just because they know about my personal connections here. I don't think I'll be leaving Regina for another four years, at least not without some serious personal resistance. I've got to stay in the city for Jilly and for her and the rest of her time in high school."
"Do you think you would like it in Montreal, if situations were different?"
Steph shrugs it off. "Yeah, I mean, I can't speak french but the city is beautiful."
The interviewer laughs and then points a couple questions to Nico and Fen before letting them go to get ready for the game.
I watch a commercial break, and then there's a side show talking about how the Wolves have been doing this season. It goes for about a half hour, and then it cuts back to the screen of the players walking down the stadium's hallway near the locker rooms. Steph is standing next to Rocket, chatting lightly, not paying attention to the cameras trained on him. He looks good, put together. Far from what I am right now, his old hoodie and a pair of sweatpants.
It's nice to burrow my face down in his sweatshirt, hugging it close to me, pretending like he's still an engineer, like this hoodie isn't a hockey hoodie, like he isn't out giving interviews and getting dressed up and being completely fine with everything even though my heart is shredded to bits. He's fine, I'm not.
They make it out to warm ups, the first half the Wolves always do without helmets, it's weird to watch him out there being natural with his surroundings, completely natural. Like he belongs, and he does. He belongs out there with the pros, not me, not a city planner barely making rent.
He belongs with the famous people, with the trophy wives and with the partying. That's where he's supposed to be.
But, no matter how many times I repeat it to myself, I can't bring myself to believe it because I know he isn't like that, he isn't one for trophy wives and he doesn't drink. He's just Steph.
"What the hell are you doing?" I snap my head up to Gabby, arms crossed in the door.
"I thought you were staying at Zak's." I grumble, wiping off my eyes again.
"I'm not, not with you over here moping about some boy you used to date," that hurt, "come on, August, what are you doing?"
"Watching hockey." I point at the screen. "Look, he's up there."
"I know he is, but it's not good for you to be watching him, okay? He's not part of your life anymore and the quicker you can drop him the better."
"I don't want to drop him."
"I know you don't, but for god's sake you're not helping yourself by watching his game." She reaches behind the T.V and shuts it off. I let out a groan, disappointed that she's stopping me from making sure he doesn't get injured.
Gabby holds out her hand. "Phone."
"No."
"Hand it to me, August." I slap it into her hand and she opens it up, scrolling through a couple things. "Your recent searches on instagram are giving you away again."
"I miss him."
"I know, okay?" she hands it back to me. "I miss the kid too. I liked him a lot, but you have to understand that if he's able to lie to you that flawlessly, that unnaturally easily, to keep all of that hidden? He's bound to lie about other things too. He'll be able to keep anything from you, and you know that those pro boys don't stay honorable to one person. You know they party and you know they sleep around whenever they feel like it. The world bends to them because they are who they are and I don't want to see you involved."
My throat closes back up again at that thought and I feel myself well up. "Do you think he did that?"
"Did what?" Gabby sits next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
"That," I lean into her hug, "sleep around." I can barely get it out.
"No, well, maybe. It's Steph, I know he's completely harmless, but it's so ingrained in that culture, the way that group of people works, I wouldn't be surprised if he did."
I push my head into her collar, trying not to think about it at all. "You really think he did?"
"Maybe."
"No, no, Steph wouldn't do that, no, he can't," I choke, "I don't believe that."
Gabby is rubbing my back. "You gotta understand that he's spent the better half of his life completely submerged in these people, he's going to pick up a few habits here and there. Face it, Aug, Steph's famous. Really famous. He's big shit front to back and with that comes a whole lot of different slips."
I choke up again. "I hate thinking of him like that."
"I know, okay, it's just, he's not an engineer anymore, you're going to have to be okay with that fact for the rest of your life, you made the mistake once but I hope you don't do it again. The faster you get over this kid the faster you can find an actual relationship with maybe an actual engineer or someone of the-"
I cut her off, throwing a pillow across the room. "I want Steph! I hate myself for it but I want Steph. That's who I like! It's him, Gabby! He's my Zak. He's the one I want to be with!"
She hugs me again. "Okay, I know it feels like that right now, but there's a thousand fish in the-"
I get mad again. "But that's my fish!" I push Gabby away. "I want him here, Gabby, I want a hug, he always smells good, I just want a hug, he's soft, squishy. I want him."
"Keep talking, it's going to help."
"I don't want it to help!" I holler, "god I just want him here, okay? He'd know exactly what to do and what to say and he'd hug me and wrap me up in his arms and probably take a nap like he always does. I don't want to feel better! I just want Steph."
"You love him, don't you."
I open my mouth to respond.
"Did you ever tell him?"
"Yes."
"God, Aug, did he say it back?" I choke up.
The answer is yes, I just can't bring myself to respond.
***
NEWS
IN BETWEEN THIS BOOK AND THE NEXT (Of which, I will drop the title later so gimme a follow ;) ) I'M DOING A MINI-SERIES NAMED 'ASSORTED OTHER WOLVES STORIES'
THIS WILL HAVE IT'S OWN SEPARATE BOOK ON MY ACCOUNT, AND WILL BE A LITTLE COMPILATION OF ANYONE YOU GUYS WANT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'VE WRITTEN MOST OF THE REST OF THE STAFF//CHARACTERS TOO.
DROP A NAME AND I'LL ADD IT TO THE MINI-SERIES.
HOWEVER WE'RE STARTING WITH GREENBEAN.
LOVE YOU GUYS