Hello! This is the Wakas of If I Have Nothing. Thank you for sticking with Rhett and Syden through ups and downs. Thank you for making it this far. I hope to see you all in the last installment. Maraming salamat mga mahal ko!
Wakas
Nobody is perfect. No one has everything. Sa bawat taong akala mo ay nasa kanila na ang lahat, hindi mo malalamang may pagkukulang sa kanila. Hindi lahat ng taong mapera, masaya. May mga taong masaya pero sa likod ng sayang iyon, may kalungkutan.
We all feel the nothingness of life in different ways. Minsan sa trabaho, minsan sa mga pangarap, minsan sa simpleng pagbuhay na lang sa sarili. May mga pagkakataong nararamdaman nating kulang tayo o walang-wala tayo.
Nang magkaisip ako at nalamang ibinilin ako sa ampunan, wala akong maramdaman kundi pagkukulang at pagkalungkot. Inisip kong baka hindi dapat ako nabuhay kasi iniwan lang naman ako sa ampunan. Walang pakialam ang aking mga magulang sa akin dahil iyon ang ginawa nila. Pinaubaya nila ako sa ibang tao.
When I first had my friend, Juniper, I was happy. Finally, I have someone whom I can share the sorrow with but I still longed for the embrace of a family. Nangarap ako. Naghintay na sana may makaampon sa akin uoang tanggapin ako at mahalin.
God was so kind to me that he fulfilled my wish. Dumating sina Mommy at Daddy upang ampunin ako. I've lived a luxuripus life with them together with my brother Boaz.
Pero hindi ko inakalang sa pamumuhay kong iyon sa kanila...sa pananatili ko doon, kailangan kong isakripisyo ang iba ko pang pangarap sa buhay. I sacrificed my freedom of choosing who to love. I also let go of my dream of having a family of my own with the man I would love until the end.
Lumabo ang mga pangarap na iyon nang dahil sa kasunduang naging dahilan kung bakit hanggang sa paglaki ko, natatamasa ko pa rin ang karangyaan ng buhay.
Nobody wish for a misfortune. Lahat nangangarap na magkaroon ng lahat. Isa na ako doon dahil iniisip kong kulang na kulang ako.
My life went through ups and downs. I've had my fair share of happiness and sadness—of wins and losses. Ngunit ano nga ba ang buhay kung puro kasiyahan lang lahat? Ano nga ba ang buhay kung puro pagkalugmok lang?
God created balance. If there is light, there is darkness. If there is pain, there is love. Every thing has its own equivalents. Hindi pwedeng walang magtitimbang sa isa. If there is none, it's not life at all.
Noong akala kong hindi na matutupad ang mga pinangarap ko, tumigil na ako sa paniniwala. It's been written in our fates. Parang kahit anong gawin mo, wala na rin namang mangyayari kasi nakasulat na.
But then I realized, we create our own fate. We maneuver the vehicle of life. Ang Diyos ang nagbibigay ng direksyon pero nasa atin ang desisyon kung ano bang direksyon ang tatahakin.
I chose to move forward. I chose to live. Kahit hindi sigurado, humakbang ako patungo sa isang direksyon na alam kong makakapagpabago ng buhay ko.
"Lola," I called her when I stepped foot outside of our house. Nagtipon-tipon ang mga kamag-anak namin dahil sa aking pagbabalik. A lot of them gave me a congratulatory gift for graduating in Stanford as well as in medschool. Hindi ko talagang inaasahang maghahanda sila ng ganito sa aking pagbabalik.
Lola Ansela slightly shifted. Ang kaniyang ulo ay bahagya akong nilingon. After eight years of being out of the country, this is the first time that I'd be seeing her again. I roamed my eyes around her aging face Her wrinkles were visible and her eyes were drooping. Kahit ang paglalakad ay humihina na rin.
"Bakit po kayo nandito sa labas? Everyone's having fun inside." ngumiti ako sa kaniya at tumabi.
I was glad she didn't give me a snide remark for disturbing her silence. Nang dumating ako kanina ay wala akong salitang narinig mula sa kaniya. Sanay naman na akong hindi niya ako binabati pero ito ang unang pagkakataon na hindi ako nakarinig ng insulto mula sa kaniya.
"Alam niyo po," I trailed, glancing at her. Nakababa ang kaniyang tingin sa kaniyang mga paa na parang may magandang tanawin doon.
"tama kayo noon." Lumingon siya sa akin. Ngumiti naman ako nang bahagya at tumingala sa langit. "Sampid nga po ako sa pamilya ninyo. Mas lalong makapal ang mukha ko dahil gusto kong manatili. I know you think I stayed because of money pero gusto ko lang pong sabihin na nanatili po ako dahil sa pamilya. This is an honest answer, Lola. Hindi ko po kayo pinipilit na maniwala sa akin pero gusto ko lang pong maintindihan niyo ang side ko."
"You're supposed to be hating me," aniya, "—for all the things, I have said. Kung pinagpatuloy ko ang pagpapalayas sa iyo, hindi mo mararating ang lugar kung nasaan ka ngayon. You could have been also genuinely happy with the life you choose."
"Namili din naman po ako. Pinili ko pong magsakripisyo at hindi ko naman pinagsisisihan iyon. Maraming salamat po kasi kung hindi po dahil sa inyo, hindi naman po ako magiging matatag. Hindi ko po alam kung ano ang ipagmamalaki para sa sarili. Thank you for pushing me too far, Lola. Kung siguro hindi po ako nakipaglaban, hindi po ako magiging masaya. Yes, I wasn't genuinely happy with the agreement, pero mas lalong naging malungkot po ako kasi hindi ko po matatamasa ang pamilyang gusto kong buoin."
"Then, are you happy now?"
Tumango ako."Yes, I am."
"Kahit na pinagkasundo lang kayo?"
Tumango ulit ako. "It wasn't an easy road to take."
"I'm sorry." she suddenly blurted. Napatingin ako kay Lola Ansela at nakatitig na siya ngayon sa akin. Her eyes were clouded with sincerity. Ngumiti ako. Hindi ko inaasahang iyon ang maririnig ko sa kaniya.
"I'm sorry that I never accepted you in the family. I had a bad experience with people like you— mga batang inabandona at inampon lamang ng pamilya. My parents were generous people and they accepted one in the house. We treated her as a family but when she grew up, she ran away stealing money from us. I've witnessed how my parents invested everything to her. Iyong panahon na para sa akin, naibaling sa kaniya. Ang mga gusto kong bagay, naibibigay sa kaniya. I was left with nothing but a little ounce of attention from them. I hated her and my parents hated me too for not accepting her."
"Ganoon po ba ang tingin niyo sa akin noon? Natatakot kayong...maaagawan ko si Kuya Boaz sa lahat ng bagay?"
"Yes, there's no point in lying here, Syden. Natakot ako na baka mangyari din kina Lyco at Agatha ang nangyari sa mga magulang ko noon. Alam na alam ko ang galaw ng mga katulad niyong inabandona kaya hindi kita tanggap sa pamilyang ito. Through the years, you have proven yourself innocent. You didn't bring us any harm and I stull couldn't believe it. Hindi ko matanggap na magiging iba ka sa kanila. You have proven me wrong that's why I couldn't face you after everything."
"Lola," lumambot ang aking puso. This is the moment that I have been waiting for. The moment where I could see acceptance in her eyes. The moment where she will open her arms widely in order to embrace me.
"P-patawad sa lahat. I'm sorry if I couldn't accept you before. I'm sorry if I made your life a living hell. I am sorry for the things that I have said. Seeing your success now, carrying the family name, you don't know how proud I am for having such a successful granddaughter like you."
Naluha ako. I heard her sniffed so loud that I wanted to cry more. My chin trembled and I gasped as tears flowed down her aging cheeks.
"I'm sorry. My reason for hating you was petty. I'd understand if you couldn't forgive me. What I did was unforgivable. Kaya tanggap ko kung hindi mo ako mapapatawad."
"L-lola, I don't hate you. Even though I don't know the reason why you couldn't accept me before, I grew up loving you. I grew up believing that someday you'll see my worth. You'll see how genuine my love is for our family. H-hindi po ako galit sa inyo..." Tumulo ang luha sa aking mga mata. She gasped as she took a step towards me and gently wiped my tears.
My heart warmed at the gesture. Noon, tuwing umiiyak ako dahil napapagalitan niya, ako mismo ang nagpupunas sa aking sariling mga luha. Right now, she was standing here in front of me, the pad of her thumb was caressing my skin.
I must be dreaming. Sinubukan kong pumikit at kalimutan ang kamay na humahawak sa akin pero lalong tumatagal ay mas lalo kong nararamdaman ang kakaibang tibok ng puso ko.
Iminulat ko ang aking mga mata. She was still there in front of me. Ang mga luha ay bakas pa rin sa kaniyang pisngi.
"Papagalitan ako ni Agatha kapag nakita ka niyang umiiyak," her voice was in between panic and laughing. Mahina akong tumawa at pinunasan din ang kaniyang luha.
"You grew up beautifully and with a precious loving heart. I wish I could have a heart like you. A heart that is warm and accepting." she smiled and held ny hand. Bumaba ang tingin ko dito. This is my first time holding her hand dahil noon kahit sa pagmamano sa kaniya, parang papel lang ang hawak ko. Parang hindi ko maramdamang nahawakan ko ang kaniyang nga kamay.
And now, I was holding it with the feeling of acceptance.
Nag-iiyakan kaming dalawa. No one seemed to get over the fact that we are talking peacefully and crying together. Kahit si Mommy ay nagulat nang madatnan kami ni Lola Ansela and then she was smiling widely.
"Finally, seeing you two makes my heart really warm right now." Si Mommy at niyakap kaming dalawa ni Lola. It was the longest hug we ever had until I saw my husband watching.
Ngumiti ako kay Rhett, may bakas pa rin ng luha sa mata. Even though he wasn't smiling, his soft eyes, staring back at me was enough to tell me that he was also happy for me.
That night, we enjoyed my welcoming party. Dumating din sina Juni at Marriam kasama ni Darwin. Iyon ang itinuring kong isa sa pinakamasayang araw sa buhay ko. It was like a blessing from Him. Iyong kung kailan hindi ko inaasahan, siya namang pagdating ng kaniyang biyaya. Truly, God works in mysterious ways—ways that are surprising and beyond what we expected.
I also started reviewing for PLE. I wasn't really aiming for a top position in the exams, gusto ko lang makapasa kaya pinagbutihan ko na lang ang pagrereview. I only have less than three months to do that and it was a bit of hassle to even catch up with Rhett. Rhett was also patient about me, lalo na kapag nagrereview ako. We have different careers pero minsan tinitigil niya ang kaniyang ginagawa para matulungan ako sa pagrereview. Even when he's tired from sketching or even from their rehearsals, he would always make time for me.
The examination month was a little tensive. Parang lahat ng kasama ko sa examination room ay nagi-aim ng mataas na position sa exams. I relaxed myself and just think that I should finish this battle. Ang importante sa akin ay makapasa.
"You'll do good okay? Trust yourself. I trust in you, doktora." Ngumiti ako sa sinabi ni Rhett. He doesn't always say things like this, pero minsan magugulat na lang ako na iyong mga sinasabi niya sa akin, tumatagos.
I was thankful to have a husband like him. Kaya sana pagkatapos nito, makabawi din ako sa kaniya. I would also love to make up for all the years that we've lost and the moments that we missed because we were far apart.
"Saan tayo pupunta?" I asked him when he let me enter his car. Naupo naman ako roon, kunot pa rin ang noo dahil mag-gagabi na. We were supposed to eat dinner pero pinigilan niya ako at sinabihang magbihis dahil kakain kami sa labas.
I gazed at him. Nakahawak ang isa niyang kamay sa pinto at ang isa naman ay sa bubong ng sasakyan. He crouched down a little and smirked at me. "You'll see."
Nangungunot lang ang noo ko. Dapat kasi talaga magce-celebrate na kami. Because five days after I took the exam, I passed the PLE. I am a licensed doctor now. I have an MD to my name, finally.
Gusto kong kulitin si Rhett tungkol sa pupuntahan namin pero alam kong mananahimik lang naman siya. Rhett's not always good with secrets but then I think, I shouldn't spoil what he planned for us. Kahit siya iyong nang-ispoil sa gagawin sana namin.
Nangunot ang noo ko nang tumigil kami sa chapel. It was the familiar chapel of the orphanage. Medyo maliwanag pa naman sa labas kaya nasisigurado kong ang simbahan nga sa orphanage ang binisita namin.
With an unsure smile on my face, I gazed at him. "Why are we here?"
Muli, hindi niya na naman ako pinansin. He opened the car door for me. Naglakad kami sa tapat ng simbahan. Suddenly, the bell at the top chimed indicating that it was already six pm. Pero ang ikinagulat ko ay biglang bumukas ang pinto ng simbahan.
I gasped as the whole church lightened up. Bumungad sa aking harapan ang pulang carpet na daan patungong altar. And then, there were flowers and decorations that looked like a wedding.
May lumabas mula sa gilid ng simabahan. Lumipad ang aking palad sa aking nakaawang na bibig nang makita ang pamilya ko at pamilya ni Rhett. They were all dressed up like they were in a wedding.
Lumingon ako kay Rhett. Hindi ko inaasahang nakaluhod na siya sa aking gilid. My mouth parted even more and I couldn't breathe. Parang kinapusan ako ng hangin lalo na nang matitigan ko ang inilalahad niya sa akin.
It was a kind of engagement ring. May maliit na bato sa gitna at ang disenyo ay mukhang bulaklak. It actually looked like an intricate Amaryllis flower design.
"R-rhett, wha--how--" tumawa ako at nanginig ang labi. I didn't know what to say actually. Nalingunan ko ang aming pamilya. Hindi lang iyon, nandoon din ang aking mga kaibigan pati na ang kaniya.
Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa kaniya. Namumuo na ang luha sa aking mga mata lalo na nang tumaas ang sulok ng kaniyang labi.
"We've been through so much, flower. I promised myself that once you come back, I'll give you the wedding that you deserve. I know, it's not perfect. But I've always think that the perfect wedding for you is something that would remind you of completeness and love. That's why I called for our family and friends. I want them to witness how I'll make another promise to you but this time, we're with Him. My promise is with Him. So, baby," huminga siya nang malalim.
"—will you accept this ring and marry me again?"
Nagsiunahang pumatak ang aking mga luha. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin sa kaniya. I could hear my brother shouting, telling me to say yes. Kahit na sina Juni. Napatawa ako bago dahan-dahang tumango.
"Ano ka ba naman? We're married now, of course, I'll say yes to you again. Kahit ilang beses mo pa akong tanungin, oo ang sagot ko, Rhett."
Pinahid ko ang aking mga luha. He chuckled lowly, his eyes bloodshot. Tumayo siya at kinuha ang aking mga kamay na nakapirmi sa aking gilid. I was still wiping my tears.
Dahan-dahan niyang ipinasok ang singsing sa aking daliri. I gasped as the expensive band wrapped around my finger. Pinakatitigan ko iyon bago ko siya tiningala.
His eyes met mine. Kasabay ng pagdagundong ng aking dibdib ay ang pagtunog ng kampana ng simbahan. He held my hand and we face the altar.
Kumunot ang noo ko at muli siyang nilingon. Nakatingin na siya sa akin at mukhang kanina pa inaasahan ang magiging reaksyon ko.
"I-it's our wedding?!" taranta kong tanong. He just chuckled and kissed the back of my hand.
Tiningnan ko ang aking suot at kinumpara iyon sa mga kaibigan ko. I was wearing a dress, alright pero hindi bagay iyon sa isang ikakasal na katulad ko!
"This is crazy!" I muttered, half laughing. Tiningnan ko ang mga kaibigan ko at nakitang nakangisi sila. Even the band mates of Rhett were smiling at us. Nakita ko pa ang pagsaludo ni Crithos sa amin.
"Come on, let's get married." Inakay na ako ni Rhett kahit gulong-gulo pa rin ako. As soon as I realized we were walking towards the altar, I can't help but just smile.
This was too much in a day. Pakiramdam ko ay sasabog ang aking dibdib sa sobrang saya.
Nang tumigil kami sa harap ng altar at kaharap ng pari, agad kong tiningala ang simbahan. I inhaled a huge breath.
God, I never wished for so much more but you have given me the best gifts in life. Wala na akong maihihiling pang higit sa binigay niyo.
Humarap sa akin si Rhett. His solemn eyes bore into mine. Halo-halo ang emosyong nakita ko sa kaniyang mga mata. I know in those mixed emotions, there is love.
"Baby, you don't know how beautiful you are today. With that simple dress, you fit in every places you'll go. Kahit saan, babagay ka. I am sorry for making you feel that you're nothing and that you don't belong to any places. I aas wrong. I was blinded by a childhood hatred. I didn't see how precious and innocent you are. I realized I was wrong before when I saw you cry—when I saw how genuine you are and how you fought for everything. You proved me wrong and you stood up for yourself—to prove to everyone that you deserve everything. I love you. Those three words aren't enough to be the proofs of how much I love you. I've waited for so long. Tiniis ko ang lahat. I've waited for you to grow up. And I guess, the long wait is all worth it. Nandito ka sa harap ko ngayon. And in front of Him, I promise to cherish every moment that I have with you. I promise to take care of you and love you with all that I have. I promise to be there with through ups and downs and to every rollercoaster rides of our lives. I promise to keep you warm at night, to be your sweater against the cold, to be the handkerchief for your tears and to be the pain reliver to all your pain. I promise to be there because baby, you're worthy of everything. You are my everything. I am not good with words, but I hope you know how much I love you."
Ngumiti ako sa kaniya. "I know, now, Rhett."
"Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for giving me a chance again to be here with you. I love you, Syden Amaryllis, with all my heart."
Napaluha ako. Hindi inaasahan ang marahang pagdampi na naman ng kaniyang labi sa aking noo. His vow wasn't the longest one, I know, pero alam ko namang kahit hirap siya sa paghahanap ng salita, hindi siya nabigong ipaalam sa akin kung gaano niya pinahahalagahan ang presensya ko sa buhay niya. And it's enough for me to love him more.
"Rhett, I am not prepared for this one, as you can see. Pero alam ko, lahat ng lalabas sa bibig ko ngayon, lahat iyon totoo. I never really imagined that I'd be married to you. I hate you before for belittling me, lalong-lalo na sa pagkatao ko. You never accepted me because I was a stranger to you. And then, something happened that pulled us towards each other. We got married through an arrangement. But before that, we became something else. We've gotten close and we've known each other for a bit. Nanligaw ka ng isang araw tapos sinagot kita," I chuckled. A lone tear escaped my eyes. "That was silly of me and then parang nagalit ka pa noon. I just laughed at you. And when we got married, I was so angry because I thought you didn't want to marry me. Iyon pala, may rason ka kung bakit and I was a silly child to jump into conclusions."
Kumunot nang bahagya ang aking noo at hinabol ang aking hininga. I smiled at him, "R-rhett, we've been through so many things and we fought it together. Nagkalayo tayo ng ilang taon. Tiniis nating hindi mahawakan at mayakap ang isa't isa. Tiniis natin ang lahat. And thank you, for being there. Na kahit mukhang susuko na ako, ikaw itong lumaban para sa atin. I know you may doubt your words pero hindi mo alam, ang mga salita mo ang nagpanatili sa aking matatag sa lahat ng hamon. You're a great husband kahit na nagsimula tayong magkaaway. Thank you for everything. And I promise now, in front of Him, that I will forever accept your flaws, all your coldness. I promise to be a good wife to you, aalagaan kita hanggang sa pagtanda natin. I may not be able to provide you everything but I promise to be a loving wife to you. I promise to cherish every moment I have with you. For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for nothing or for everything. Mamahalin at tatanggapin kita. Mananatili ako sa huli...."
"—Mahal na mahal kita, Rhett," I uttered after I was finished with my vow.
Hinalikan niya ulit ako sa noo at pinagtama ang aming mga ilong.
"I love you too, flower. Thank you. You don't know how much I've waited for this to happen." he huskily whispered.
Humiwalay siya sa akin at hinarap ang pari. Nakangiti naming hinarap iyon habang hinihintay ang opisyal na pag-aanunsyo sa amin.
I stared at my hand. I have three rings on my finger now. The wedding band from our past wedding, our engagement ring just earlier and now, our wedding ring.
Mangha pa rin akong napatitig dito bago ako tumingala sa pari.
The priest smiled and said, "By the power vested upon me. I now pronounce you as husband and wife. You may now kiss your bride."
Humarap kaming dalawa sa isa't isa. Hand in hand, we pulled each other close. Ngumiti ako sa kaniya habang nanatili ang kaniyang mga mata sa akin. His eyes filled with love and hope. I reached for his jaw and caressed his face. I stared at him lovingly.
Unti-unti ay dumampi ang aking mga labi sa kaniya.
And in front of our families, our friends and the Lord, we sealed our promise with a kiss.
—конец—