Coming out of the shower and into the pair of pajamas I brought to Natalie's, I lay on her bed with her and Penelope. I lay in between them while Natalie cradles my head in her hands against her chest and Penelope hugs me from behind while I cry in their arms.
"I still think your talk will go over well, Livy. I think he's as much into you as you are with him." Natalie pats my damp hair down.
After they made me eat tacos from Jack in the Box and made me down a whole bunch of water, I've sobered up and taken a shower. In the shower, everything that happened came crashing down. Remembering Cam so happy with Zoey hurts. Makes my heart feel like it's being ripped from my chest. I knew it'd hurt, but I didn't expect it to hurt so much that I can't control myself in front of my friends.
Penelope rubs her hand on my arm, "It's time to finally tell him the truth, Livy. You can't keep hurting yourself."
I nod and I'm grateful the only light in the room is coming from the silent TV that Natalie has on. Because I feel exhausted. I manage to swallow the lump in my throat and close my eyes.
Tomorrow I'll talk to him.
*
Instead of going home, I tell Natalie to drop me off at Cams. The lump in my throat is back and I try to keep it at bay. I don't want to cry in front of him.
"Call me if this turns for the worse and you need a ride home. I'm going to stop at the diner and have a coffee just in case."
Nodding, I smile at her. She really is a great friend, "Thanks, Nat."
Getting out of the car, I take a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. I have to wait about a minute before a sleepy Nash opens the door and his eyes widen.
"Okay, either Lorenzo is gonna beat my ass for sleeping in or he's gonna beat the shit out of Cam for making you cry." He scans my face worriedly.
This is the most concerned I've ever seen Nash.
I frown while squaring my shoulders, "I haven't been crying, and what would make you think Cam made me cry."
"Bullshit." He crosses his arms against his chest, "I can tell you've been crying, and come on. I live with Cam. He can be an asshole sometimes."
Shaking my head to tell him he wasn't being an asshole is left unsaid because Cam opens the door wider, revealing himself already dressed for the day.
"Come here." He takes my hand pulling me inside the house and into his arms.
My heart jumps at the proximity and I instinctively wrap my arms around his lean waist. I breathe him in knowing this might be one of the last times I get to do this.
"I'm gonna change and head to Lorenzo's." Nash says behind me and I can already hear the steps he's taking back into his room, "He's gonna give me a hard time." He groans.
Cam pulls away slightly to meet my eyes. He searches them for a moment before he takes a deep breath and takes my hand, leading me to his room.
"I was gonna go talk to you." He walks me to his bed, sitting me on the edge and he takes a seat on his desk chair. "I'm kinda pissed, Livy."
He's pissed, but he's calling me Livy. That just pulls my heart closer to him. He's not being nasty and mean as usual when he's mad at me.
Before I get to respond and ask why he continues, "You told me you don't do kisses unless they were special. You kissed Thomas before, was he special?" I'm about to shake my head when he stuns me, "So when we kissed at the homecoming dance, that wasn't special? Or all the other times we kissed? None of it is special to you?"
He looks hurt, meeting my eyes desperately. I take a deep breath before shaking my head and clear my throat willing for the lump to go away.
I close my eyes before I open them again, "He was my first kiss." I see him sit up straighter so I quickly add, "He stole that from me. It's why I wanted to avoid him in the first place." I look down at my knotted hands and pick at my thumbnail nervously, "Our moments were different because they were special to me, but they were fake. None of it was real."
I look up when he abruptly stands, glaring at me, "What? So next you're going to tell me you lost your virginity to him too?"
My eyes widen at his hurtful words. I can feel my eyes well up again so I stand to get away from him, but he quickly grabs my arm. My first reaction for him to let me go is to slap him and the loud sound makes me cover my mouth with my hands.
I gasp, shaking my head, "I'm so sorry, Cam. I didn't mean to—"
"No. Stop. I deserved that." Cam meets my eyes again and he seems calmer now as he pulls my hands down from my mouth, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." He searches my eyes tenderly before shaking his head, "I know damn well you're a virgin even though you've never said it out loud."
The tears build in my eyes again and my bottom lip quivers. I don't think I'll be able to stop my tears anymore and I know this is the moment where I have to put a stop to this.
"Cam." I whisper and take a step back, causing him to let go of my hands, "We need to stop this. We can't keep doing this anymore."
Searching my eyes with his blue ones my heart beats rapidly, he whispers, "Can't keep doing what, Livy?"
I shake my head and I'm stuck in his gaze, "We can't keep being in this fake relationship." He opens his mouth to respond, but I cut him off, "I'm done pretending. You clearly want to be with Zoey and I think I should walk away from this."
He frowns while still meeting my gaze, "Is this about Zoey or Thomas?"
Frowning too now, "It's about us, Cam. But I can't have you stepping in when someone like Thomas comes into my life because you're still going back to Zoey. I don't want to ruin something that can potentially become something... for me."
There's a moment of silence and I can see the heat wave in his eyes. I prepare myself for him to start being nasty and mean.
"You're fucking kidding me, right?" He's pissed again and my stomach twist.
I take a step closer and stop. I'm trying to end this and it doesn't seem like he wants to make this any easier.
"I want a real relationship, Cam. I want to feel special and loved." My bottom lip quivers again and I look down in time when the tear slips out of my eye.
"Is that what you want?" I can only nod and I feel him get closer. Looking up at him, he closes me in his space, so much his lips are so close to mine. "We'll break up, on one condition, Livy."
"W-what?" I breathe as I look deeply into his eyes. It might be the last time I get to look at them this close.
"Tell me you don't have any feelings for me." He brushes his hand on my arm softly.
I lean back just a little to search his eyes. He really wants me to answer this?
Shaking my head, my voice comes out lower than I intended, "Please don't make me answer this."
"Why?" His eyes heat into an intense blue.
I swallow the lump in my throat for the millionth time today, "It's not fair. It's cruel."
I try taking a step back, but he just wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me close. He cups my cheek with his other hand and meets my eyes. My heart accelerates being in his arms again.
"It's not cruel if you don't have feelings for me, Livy. Just tell me and I'll let you go."
He licks his bottom lip making my eyes travel down to his lips before I meet his intense blue eyes again, "I can't." I whisper.
Before I get to protest, he leans down, placing his soft lips on mine. I melt in his arms and lips, pressing me closer to him. He nips at my bottom lip, demanding me to open my mouth for him to deepen the kiss. My body and heart oblige to his demand, and my tongue darts out, meeting his. My heart jumps rapidly at the feel of it. He sucks on my bottom lip before licking it softly. I feel his tongue on mine again and in the distance, I hear the front door shut, most likely Nash finally leaving the house. It's enough to cause me to pull away.
Placing my hand on his chest, I feel his heart pacing at the same speed as mine. He's breathing as heavily as I am.
"This is cruel." I meet my eyes with his again.
Shaking his head, he pulls me by the waist, closer to him. He's about to lean down and try to kiss me again.
"Stop." I push on his chest enough for him to lean back, "You can't do this to me. I do have feelings for you, but you don't feel the same about me. I would want you to feel for me how you do about Zoey. Sometimes I feel like you do, but then—"
He groans, "Livy. I'll never be able to feel for you what I feel about Zoey because I only feel for you. I stopped pretending a long fucking time ago." I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out and he pulls me in close again, rubbing his thumb softly on my bottom lip. "You're not fucking breaking up with me."
"But—"
He shakes his head, "You're mine, Livy. I thought I had made that clear when we were in Santa Cruz and I told you we couldn't be friends anymore. You can tell Thomas to back off or I will."
"I was never really yours Cam." It comes out more of a question. More for the fact that it's taking me a moment to grasp that he has real feelings for me and he wants this to be a real relationship.
I feel my hands start to shake from the excitement that my heart is starting to feel and how fast it's accelerating.
He nods and looks down at my lips again, "You were and you still are. No more pretending." He meets my eyes more seriously now.
"No more pretending?" I manage to squeak out.
"No." He shakes his head before planting his forehead against mine, "I love you, Livy. I will fucking go crazy if you allow Thomas near you again."
I want to say he's already gone crazy on Thomas a few times, but instead, I shake my head.
"Cam," I whisper. "You can't love me?"
It feels wrong even saying it because this past week I've known I've been in love with him too.
"Why not?" He brushes a tear away with his thumb when he cups my face.
"Because you just made up your mind that you want to be with me." I don't even understand why I'm trying to deny his love when that's what I told him I wanted in a relationship.
He shakes his head, "No. I've known what I've wanted for a long time now. The night in Santa Cruz when I told you, you're my best friend was just when I started to realize, I was starting to fall for you."
My heart beats rapidly and I look down at my shaky hands. Cam takes both my hands in his and kisses the knuckles on both hands.
Testing him, I raise my chin, "If this is really happening then I don't want you around Zoey again."
"Done." His wide smile surprises me. I thought I'd have to do some convincing.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I bury my face in his neck. I thought today was going to be the last day I'd breathe him in and have him this close. He wraps his arms around my waist, pressing me against him, he groans. Knowing this is actually real and that he loves me has my heart nearly jumping out of my chest.
The lump in my throat is back with a vengeance. A sob escapes me when the tears are free-falling now.
He's been taking us serious since the night in Santa Cruz. I feel foolish for ever doubting him. I wouldn't have ever met his mom if he weren't serious with me. I noticed the change since that day and I still thought he was just doing everything for fun.
"Don't cry, Cookie." He pulls away, kissing my forehead.
I frown while trying to compose myself, "I've been driving myself crazy. I thought I was the only one who felt this way."
He smiles softly while meeting my eyes, "Our moments were very real and they were special to me too."
My heart does a little happy dance when his lips meet mine. Wrapping my arms around his neck, he bends down a little and picks me up. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I pull away slightly and meet his eyes while he walks us back to his bed.
"I love you, Cam," I whisper and he stops walking. "Will you make love to me?"
I think I've scared him when he gulps, but then a slow smile spreads, "Say it again." He goes to kiss my neck, but instead of feeling his lips, I feel his tongue on my neck which makes my center pulse with want.
"I love you." I breathe before he plops me down in the middle of his bed.
His smile is wide enough to make me smile with him.
He turns to the door, "I'm going to shut this."
He turns towards me after locking his door shut, thank god for Nash leaving to go see my dad.
I bite down on my lip trying to contain the wide smile I really want to unleash. I didn't think we'd end up together once I broke things off with him.
My heart and hands shake at the thought of finally having him to myself. This time I go in this feeling optimistic and with real feelings. There won't be any regrets.