*A FEW MONTHS LATER*
Vanessa pulled her hair up into a bun and pinned it to her head, making sure there were no stray pieces of hair in her mirror. She fixed her black dress and decided against wearing mascara, knowing she was going to be crying today.
"Amy, Charlie!" She called and the twins came running into her room. They stopped in front of her and she looked them over. Amelia was wearing a black dress with a purple collar and Charlie was wearing the cutest black suit with a little purple flower in it.
"You both look amazing. Okay, go downstairs and get your shoes on." She ordered and they both ran away and presumably downstairs to put their shoes on. Vanessa tied the purple ribbon in her hair and sighed, leaning on her vanity.
She heard a cry from the nursery and walked out of her room and into the room where her youngest daughter was crying in her crib.
"Oh, honey, it's okay. Grandma is coming soon." She cooed as she picked up the baby and bounced her in her arms lightly. Her crying stated to quieten down until she finally stopped and Vanessa placed her back in her crib gently.
"Mommy!" She heard Charlie call and she walked down the stairs, looking for her son.
"What's up?" She asked him and he pointed outside the living room window. Vanessa felt herself stiffen as she remembered the day Mark had been stabbed but she forced herself to move - the same way she had been for the past couple of months.
She looked out of the window and saw her mother pulling into the driveway. She smiled as both Charlie and Amelia waited at the door for her. They both totally adored their grandmother as she always had an interesting story to tell them about the war.
When the door opened they bombarded Evelyn, clinging onto her legs as she chuckled and placed both of her hands on their backs, supporting them.
"Mom." Vanessa breathed, reaching over the kids and hugging her tightly.
"I'm sorry." Her mother whispered in her ear and Vanessa nodded as she pulled away and sent the kids to go someplace else.
"How's the little one?" She asked and Vanessa smiled as she led her mother upstairs and into the nursery. Evelyn scooped up the baby and spoke to it softly, swinging her gently in her arms.
"You go, we'll be okay here." She assured Vanessa and Vanessa nodded, waving goodbye and kissing her daughter on the head before walking downstairs and gathering her other two children into the car.
"Mommy?" Amelia asked and Vanessa lifted her head up slowly, keeping her eyes on the road but still showing that she was listening.
"Where's daddy?" Vanessa felt a pang in her heart and her eyes were beginning to become clouded with her tears.
"He's, uh, just on a little holiday." She swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked back her tears, she would not be crying in front of her children.
---
Vanessa held each of her children's hands as they walked up to the church and was greeted by Meredith and Derek.
"Hey, little guy."Meredith greeted Charlie while Derek fussed over Amelia.
"Vanessa." She turned and smiled at Jackson as he walked up behind her. Her smiled grew slightly as she noted his purple tie and she pulled him in for a hug as she saw the tears forming in his eyes.
"Everything's gonna turn out okay, everything is going to turn out fine." She soothed him, rubbing his back as he sniffed and pulled away.
"I'm sorry, about Mark." He looked down at the floor and Vanessa looked over at her children who were playing with the adults, completely unaware of the situation.
"They keep asking where he is," She acknowledged and Jackson felt his heart break for her, "I mean, what am I supposed to say." Her voice broke slightly and she breathed in a shaky breath as Jackson placed a hand on her arm.
"Take your own advice - everything will turn out okay." He smiled at her before walking away to speak to someone else. Vanessa dabbed at her eye with the knuckle on her thumb before walking back over to her children.
She didn't want them here - they were still too young - but the order was clear: I want my whole family here and I want purple. It surprised her that there even was an order - she certainly didn't have one for her funeral.
"Come on, you little troublemakers," She grabbed their hands and thanked everyone for looking after them as they all made their way outside for the service to start.
"We all stand here today in honour of..."
***
Vanessa closed the twins' bedroom door and checked on her baby one last time before walking to her own bedroom and closing the door behind her. She leaned her head on the door and closed her eyes.
She took a deep breath in and pushed off of the door to get herself changed from the uncomfortable black dress to her much more pleasant pyjamas. When she had finished, she turned her bedroom light off and flopped down onto her bed.
She still only slept on her side even though Mark's side hadn't been occupied in a few months - she couldn't bring herself to lie in the place where he once did. It took everything in her not to sell the whole house - the memories were too much for her but her kids loved it here and it was so close to the hospital that she just couldn't bring herself to do it.
Most nights she cried, alone in her bed and without anyone to console her and tonight wasn't any different as she felt the tears start to rise. They fell down her cheeks and she couldn't be bothered to wipe them away, the exhaustion keeping her arms pinned to her sides.
Until she heard the front door open and she wiped her face quickly with the palms of her hands before bunching the covers up in her arms and pretending to be asleep. It wasn't uncommon for someone to check on her every night since the incident.
///
It had only been a few days and Vanessa was curled up in a ball in her bed. The twins were crying and the baby was crying but she couldn't find the strength in her bones to get up and help them. Instead she added their cries to the endless amounts of things constantly running through her head.
She had no idea that the twins had gotten into the bathroom and no idea that they had somehow climbed into the bath and turned the scolding hot water on and no idea that they had no way of getting out, no idea whatsoever.
Their cries all sounded the same to her as she continued to lay in her bed, the tears falling freely from her eyes. She didn't even hear the door opening or the quick footsteps coming up the stairs.
As if a switch was flicked the twins stopped crying and the baby seemed to be calmed down but Vanessa still couldn't move, it was as if she were glued to her bed, forever doomed to continue to drown in her tears.
A few minutes passed and her bedroom door opened, hitting the wall behind it and making Vanessa flinch slightly.
"What the hell?" Alex's voice sounded through her room and she felt the bed dip as he sat on it.
"Did you not hear them crying? V, they were burning themselves in the bath."
Vanessa only cried more, silent tears continuing to stream down her face as she accepted the fact that she was not only a single mother but a terrible mother.
Alex pulled her up and held her in his arms as she cried into him, finally letting out some of the pain that had been pent up in her. She just clung onto him and he stroked her hair, comforting her as much as he could. He understood her pain and he knew that there was no way he could have been consoled when it happened to him but he was trying his best.
And so was she.
///
"Everything good in here?" April asked through the door and Vanessa groaned. Almost everyone had a key to her house now - in case of emergencies that never happened any more.
"Everything's fine, April. You can go."
Vanessa was getting tired of everyone checking on her every night - she was fine now, she had healed most of her wound and she needed space and time to heal the rest. But that idea seemed to go to waste as April opened her bedroom door and peeked her head through.
"I'm sorry, you know, for everything that has happened to you in the past couple of months." She smiled slightly and Vanessa turned to face her.
"Thank you, April." She croaked, her voice becoming thick as tears formed in her eyes.
"Oh! Oh, I-I-" April rushed into her room but Vanessa held a hand out, stopping her from walking any further.
"Just call someone else, no offence April but I don't know you well enough to cry to you." Vanessa ordered, trying to hold the tears back.
"O-okay, who do you want me to call?"
"You know what, surprise me." Vanessa said sarcastically and April nodded before running out of the room, dialling on her phone. Vanessa's head fell back down onto the bed as she rested her hands on her stomach, remembering how Mark always knew what to do and say whenever she was upset.
"Okay," April walked back into her room, "They'll be here any minute."
"They?"
""I don't know, that's what Meredith said." April shrugged and Vanessa nodded, closing her eyes as April sat down on the edge of her bed and patted her leg comfortingly.
"I know you don't like me very much," She started and Vanessa breathed in deeply, "But I've always really liked you - especially at work - and it's not the same without you." She said before walking out and probably waiting downstairs for whoever was coming to come.
---
Turns out April didn't get the memo that everyone was hanging out at Meredith's house and so a whole house of people turned up to comfort Vanessa which was as helpful as a runner having a broken leg.
Everyone - Meredith, Derek, Alex, Cristina and Jackson - climbed onto her bed and Meredith pulled Vanessa's head into her lap as everyone else just laid down wherever. It was cramped but also kind of endearing as Vanessa looked at everyone surrounding her.
"I just..." She started and everyone turned their head to look at her, even Cristina looked sad, "He's gone. He's actually gone."
And then did the tears fall. Vanessa cried the most she had ever done since this whole thing started, completely overwhelmed by the sadness but also the joy in her life. She had three children and so many wonderful members of family but she was raising her children alone and she felt like such a burden to everyone else.
"If it's any consolation," Alex began as he dug his hand in his pocket, "We brought you these." He threw a packet of skittles on her stomach and she laughed at them before placing them on her bedside table. Skittles were her favourite candy and she would eat them all the time if she could.
"You'll get over him, eventually." Cristina offered and Vanessa moved her eyes to look at her.
"I don't want too. I love him - I always will."
"V, he left." Jackson pointed out.
"I know." She mumbled quietly, fiddling with her fingers and Meredith ran her hands soothingly through her hair.
"Doesn't mean she's going to get over him just like that." Meredith defended her and Vanessa sighed, looking at Derek.
"You really don't know where he is?" She asked, hoping he would just tell her he knew.
"I really don't know where he is." He confirmed and he was telling the truth. If he knew he would tell her, without hesitation.
"He left." She breathed, looking up at the ceiling. Everyone exchanged glances, broken at the sight of Vanessa like this.
"Yeah." Cristina whispered.
"He left." Alex grabbed her hand in his.
********************************************************
sorry :(
Thanks for reading :)