★ not edited ★
WARNING: mentions of underage drinking
"PLEASE LOOK AT me..." Gerard said quietly, but Frank didn't budge. He kept his gaze strictly on the door opposite them as he felt Gerard's hands on his shoulders and soon chest.
"Please, Frank, please..." Gerard's voice cracked again, and this time Frank could feel his hands turn shaky as his hands tugged on Frank's shirt tightly. Though it wasn't really a tug to show he wanted Frank's shirt off, it was more like he wanted to have some kind of hold on Frank- like he needed to be sure Frank wouldn't leave.
"Why?" Frank finally spoke, his eyes staying glued to the pastel pale door as he heard Gerard sniffle again. His own tears had stopped a little over a few minutes ago and now it was only Gerard who was still trembling in sadness.
"I, I didn't... c'mon, you know I-"
"You what?" Frank asked, chancing a short almost missable glance towards Gerard.
Gerard bunched his shirt up more almost as if that was the only hold on Frank he had, be it both physically and from his heart. "I didn't mean what I said, you matter so much, okay?Please I don't know why I s-"
"How'd I know you're not saying that?" Frank's head turned to face Gerard's tear-kissed face. "How'd I know you're not just... saying that because you're scared I'm going to actually kill myself?"
"Frank...-"
"No, no you only said you wanted to give us a shot after I got hurt- before you didn't want anything to do with me." Frank said with furrowed eyebrows, now watching Gerard's expression closely.
"I, I don't know what kind of answer you want from me, Frank." Gerard mumbled, his eyes trailing across Frank's stiff face.
Frank looked down at Gerard's fingers that were wrung around the material of his black shirt, "You wouldn't have gone on a date with me if I hadn't gotten shot, would you?"
Gerard's eyes glossed again, a small crystal bead escaping from his right eye.
"Of course I w-would have," Gerard choked out but Frank's eyes had already turned cold.
"You really want me to fuckin' believe that?" Frank asked, unconvinced as his blank stare clashed with Gerard tearful one. Though behind his blank stare Frank felt like his heart was being set alight with gasoline and a faint spark.
Gerard nodded frantically as he moved closer to Frank his head nuzzling in Frank's neck as he continued to nod. A soft noise escaped his lips, a silenced sob almost. The sound had torn through Gerard as he held onto Frank tightly. "Please, please d-don't leave me, Frankie."
Frank didn't know if Gerard meant that he didn't want had never seen Gerard to leave him as in; break up with him, which would technically be impossible, or if Gerard meant he didn't want Frank to quite literally leave him. Like leave him and this world behind.
Regardless, it was weird for Gerard not to be the coy and comforting one, and Frank didn't like this version of Gerard. Well, he liked all parts of Gerard but not the ones that caused him pain.
"I'm s-so stupid, I just, I needed time and I know you think I only-" Gerard choked on another noise, Franks arms limp by his side as Gerard latched onto him tightly. "I only said I l-liked you because you almost- but I like you so much, okay? I-"
Frank couldn't keep listening to Gerard's weak voice, it was making his own chest burn. He wasn't at all convinced Gerard truly did like him as much as he said he did, but he hated how torn up Gerard seemed. He didn't want that, not at all. So instead he just slowly wrapped his arms around his shaking form.
"I'm not going to leave you," Frank said quietly, his voice muffled as he placed his lips against the top of Gerard's head. He kissed it softly, just like Gerard did for him. Though it only seemed to make Gerard shake that much more.
"I'm sorry," Gerard repeated, his body trembling against Frank's who held him tighter.
"It's okay." Frank answered quietly. "I'm... sorry too. I had no right to invalidate your um, your past."
Gerard slowly pulled back from Frank's neck and wiped his face. He kept one hand still around Frank as Frank watched him carefully.
"Thanks." Gerard mumbled quietly, and Frank nodded in response.
"Don't have to thank me." He mumbled, and he shakily unwrapped one of his hands to brush away Gerard's stark black hair that had been smothered across his face. It was now damp and clumped together from his tears... but Frank still loved the feeling of it.
And soon Gerard's arms were back around him and his head was in the crook of Frank's neck, making his ears heat up slightly.
"I'm sorry." Gerard mumbled again after a few silent moments.
Frank just kissed his head again.
✩ ✩
Gerard didn't end up going to work at all.
Frank didn't know if it was because of him or if maybe Gerard was too hurt by Frank's words to be able to focus, but at some point during all of his pondering they had moved to be cuddling on Gerard's bed.
And... Frank had never been the biggest fan of cuddling like they were. It wasn't like when Gerard had fallen asleep on him because their bodies were more intertwined than the headphones Wentz used. But even though Frank thought he would hate the closeness and the fact that Gerard could hear his heartbeat, he... actually kind of liked it.
Or, he assumed by how relaxed he was now feeling.
And just as the first bite of cold wind from Gerard's open window creeped up under his shirt, Gerard's hand moved around his middle, warm and soft. In seconds Gerard's body was moulded to his own, sharing his body heat as easily as he had let Frank become infatuated by him.
Frank didn't think he could ever let someone else close to him like this, but Gerard was different. Frank had never known a person that had the guts to apologise to someone who had so blatantly disrespected his past struggles. There was a purity to him, Frank supposed, naivety perhaps, but Gerard was quite literally the only flower in the meadow for Frank's eyes.
But even so, Frank couldn't find it in himself to look Gerard in the eye after he had spoken to him like that. He was... embarrassed sure, but he was so fucking mad at himself for reacting the way he had.
Gerard had done so much for him, he was fucking staying with him for a week just to make sure he ate and wasn't lonely— and he couldn't even be a decent fucking boyfriend in return. Well, unofficial boyfriend.
He felt like dog shit- sure Gerard's words had hurt him, but he had provoked it. In the past Frank wouldn't have felt a smidgen of regret, but now, after everything he had put himself through and those around him— even the things his fucking mother put him through... Frank wouldn't allow himself to.
Frank's thoughts were interrupted by small dings coming from Gerard's phone. It was probably some of his coworkers, but Gerard didn't look like he cared at all as his head stayed promptly nuzzled into his chest.
And then Frank did it. The one thing he really knew he shouldn't have— especially after he understood that he needed to change and become more empathetic.
"Why?"
That was Frank's question. Why would Gerard ever become an alcoholic out of all things? What had driven him to do that?
Sure Frank was miserable and had tried to kill himself out of impulse, but he never turned to any harmful substances.
"Why what?" Gerard asked quietly, his voice muffled by Frank's shirt. He sounded half asleep if Frank were being honest, and the vibrations of his voice were actually tickling him beyond his means.
Frank moved his hand that had been weaved through Gerard's arms, and instead used it to touch Gerard's hair again. Out of habit he supposed, but also because he didn't want Gerard to think there was any maliciousness in his words.
"Why did you... become a heavy drinker?" Frank was trying his best to sugarcoat at least some of what he was asking, but there really wasn't a way to.
Gerard's breathing stilled for a moment, and he practically fell limp before he cleared his throat quietly.
"Um, why'd you want to know?"
Frank let out a soft breath, "I just, 'm sorry I'm... curious."
Gerard was quiet for a moment.
Finally he sighed, shifting slightly to be holding Frank closer before he finally spoke.
"I, damn okay," Gerard muttered, "Well, when I still went to Art school, my uh, long-term boyfriend at the time kind of.. cheated on me, I guess? And I didn't know how to really deal with what I was feeling, y'know. I didn't have too many friends and I couldn't turn to Mikey because I thought he'd just get mad at me for getting so upset over some guy... but, he wasn't just some guy to me. I mean obviously I was still really young but he really felt like a soulmate to me, and I opened up to him about things I can't even... think about now."
Frank kept running his hand through Gerard's hair, listening intently. Though it was hard to because he really wanted to know who the fuck would ever cheat on Gerard. He had... everything. Or at least to Frank he did. He had everything anyone could want so Frank had no idea why someone would drive him to such a dangerous addiction.
"And um, I-I kind of got really addicted to partying... I know it's stupid but it was sort of just killing two birds with one stone, y'know? I'd get super fucking drunk and then I'd also sleep around since I thought that was the only way to really get over myself," Gerard cleared his throat, and Frank could feel him wringing his fingers in Frank's shirt again. "S'actually why I hated that we... y'know, just fucked so early on because it made me feel like I was back in that place again. Like I was still failing Art school and I didn't have anyone, and... I was just a whore I guess."
"I don't know, it's really stupid." Gerard whispered, burying his face deep into Frank's chest. "It's a stupid reason to be so dependant on alcohol but I was young and I didn't know what I was doing... And during my third year it got really bad that I couldn't even drink soda or even juice without spiking it. Or I couldn't eat a meal without drinking something."
Frank stayed quiet for a moment, though it seemed like it was a moment too long because Gerard let out a soft sigh.
"You think I'm a complete dumbass now, don't you?" Gerard asked quietly, making Frank's eyebrows furrow.
"No, no of course I don't think you're a dumbass, Gerard."
Gerard didn't answer, making Frank's chest hallow. Did Gerard really not believe him?
He frowned as he tilted Gerard's head up then with his free hand, his shaky fingers under Gerard's chin.
"You're not a dumbass," Frank said sternly, though his voice remained soft. "I go to work and deal with a lot of fucking idiots and you aren't anything like them, Gerard. I can promise you that."
Gerard bit his lip as he looked down at Frank's shirt again. "You really promise?"
Frank smiled softly as he nodded, "I promise."
They were quiet again before Frank went back to brushing his fingers through Gerard's hair.
"You wanna know something?" Frank asked gently, making Gerard nod with a confused smile.
Frank blushed lightly as Gerard watched him expectantly, "You um, you make me want to be... okay again."
Gerard smiled wider at that and leaned up to kiss Frank softly, making Frank almost want to smile wildly to himself too.
"You will be okay, Frankie," Gerard murmured, Frank practically still feeling Gerard's lips brush against his own. "I promise."
Frank kissed him again.
//—//
again i don't wanna be one of those people but thanks so much for the support on my new fic (: i love all of you!