A/N - I am Sorry I haven't been online in a while. The news of Sushant's 'suicide' has really gotten into my head. I am not saying I have been his biggest of fans or that he was into Quantum physics but I know his 50 dreams. Every time he posted that he fulfilled his particular dream with the number, I felt it cute. Days before his death, I have told my sister about this and we smiled because it's so 'normal' thing to do, contrasting to the celebrity stuff people try all the time. I have known him for more than 10 years as Manav and then as the one who mastered portraying MSD on screen. Death affects me a lot. Because it's almost always so sudden and I find it difficult to wrap my head around it. It happened when I heard about Rishi Kapoor or Irfan Khan. It's the same with anyone else. But there's something different about Sushant's news. I don't know if it's due to depression, suicide, or as people claiming it as a murder, but it has hit all of us hard.
Maybe because we have been there, at least most of us. I have been there. Sometimes it feels so normal, an easy way to escape all the cruelties of life. Especially, when you are trying to figure yourself out. Lost and scared, when you are stuck up in career and every person you have ever trusted betrays you, disappears from your life, or just send some other negative thought towards you. You literally feel the air sucking out of your lungs. You find breathing difficult and that's when you understand why suicide could be an option. Why so many people choose that decision instead of a million times we hear that suicide is really not an option. Because other's pain might be easy to look at but the one undergoing is the one suffering and no one knows it better than them.
But you know what? Even when there is hardly any hope left, trust me, there is always at least one person who would love you, accept you, or try to understand your pain. They might pop up so suddenly and you keep on wondering where the hell were they all your life. You feel happy and proud of yourself for surviving an internal battle just to spend a happy moment with them. It mightn't be a romantic affair. Maybe it's your father, your mother, sibling, or a best friend who is just silently waiting for you to come to them. So hold on. Just hold on because one drastic step and you might break someone forever.
There have been 'talk it out' all over the social media nowadays. People asking to reach out but it's difficult. Sometimes, we just feel like it's their duty to check up on us yet when they do we couldn't find the courage or words to explain what we are going through inside to them. What then? How to talk it out when we aren't ready to spill our deepest, most painful secrets?
Write them out. Take out a paper, write them out. If you want, give it to the person you want to talk to. Otherwise, burn it. Shred-it into so tiny pieces that if people try to put it back, they shouldn't succeed in framing at least a word and throw it in the dustbin away from prying eyes. It helps a lot actually. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make any sense, just write it out. If not a diary entry, try writing a letter to an unknown friend believing they would receive the letter and help you out or, try writing it in a third person. Like you are that someone who is trying to understand yourself.
Life is long and short at the same time. We have so many things to do in just an odd 60 years and yet some days feel like a few years making it longer than we could possibly bear on. It might not be today or tomorrow but someday you would look back at this time and would be so proud of yourself to survive the unfairness and the cruelty of life. Until then all the love and power to you. Remember, the stars are always shining upon you even when there are clouds hindering them from reaching out for you. Today it might be raining and tomorrow the same sky might bless you with a rainbow. So just hold on. :)
Note - I might update sometime later. Sorry for being unable to do it earlier. It was totally unplanned. :(