"I figured I'd find you here." Nicolas' voice appeared behind me, his arms wrapping around my waist not long after. "What are you doing up so early?"
I leaned my head back into his shoulder and sighed. Everything feels suffocating lately. "I just wanted some fresh air."
His arms around me tightened a little and he kissed the skin on my neck. "How's Vee?" I asked.
"Resting. She's been taking a lot of alone time. I don't want to bother her, but I can't help but feel worried. What she went through... traumatic isn't enough to cover it." My chest pained at the agony in his voice. The desperation.
"Give her a little time," I looked to his face. He was staring ahead, enjoying the view of the territory from the rooftop. "She needs to understand herself and process everything by herself for a little while. She trusts you more than anyone. She'll come to you when she's ready. She's a strong girl."
He didn't say anything back, simply stared ahead of him. I did the same, letting my mind think nothing for as long as I could.
"I heard you're our new Capo." At his words I shrugged him off, feeling annoyed. He said it like he knew it'd tick me off.
"Apparently. I don't want to talk about that right now."
He grabbed my hand, frowning at the distance I put between us. "I think you'll do fine. Why are you worrying so much about it?"
I glared at him. "I said I don't want to talk about it, Nicolas."
His face shifted into slight annoyance. "What do you want to talk about then?"
"Nothing. I wanted to talk about nothing. Exactly why I came here alone."
His mouth fell open slightly, incredulity coming over his features. "I'm sorry," he remarked sarcastically. "I'll hesitate to make conversation with you next time. Anything else bothering you?"
"You're being childish."
"And you're being standoffish."
"Is this what you came here for, Nicolas? To pick a fight? If it is, I'll take a rain check."
He took a step back and shook his head, pure disbelief in his face. "Actually, I came here to spend some time with you. Maybe sit down and catch up. I wanted to seek the comfort of my girlfriend after all this time."
"Girlfriend?" I asked, maybe a little too mockingly. "You and I never said anything about that. I said try. Never said we were going anywhere deep."
"I thought we couldn't take it slow, Anastasia. What? You can apply that whenever you want something and take it away whenever it comes to me?"
I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "If you feel so victimized, what the fuck are you doing here?"
"Why do you always do this?" He asked, angered.
"Do what?" I suddenly felt defensive.
"Whenever you're scared of feel weak, you push people away and hurt them to make yourself feel stronger. To put yourself at a higher place. I wanted to help you, not attack you. Why do you always have to push me away?"
I didn't answer him, letting the anger expel itself in heavy breaths rather than words.
"You push and push and push until we're so far apart that we become desensitized to the fucked up ways you and I deal with all this bullshit! What do you gain from hurting me? From hurting yourself? Do you even want to do this? Do you even want to try anymore!"
I felt frustrated at him. At myself. At this stupid life that has pushed and pulled us at its will. "What do you want from me!" I shouted at him, everything that had been building inside of me erupting. "What the fuck do you want me to say? To do? What can convince you that I'm trying my best!"
"You're not!" He shouted back. "It feels lile you don't give a fuck anymore! Like you could care less if this worked out or not!"
"I'm trying!" I sobbed. Anger and desperation had always been a recipe for disaster where I was involved. "Don't you see it? Am I not enough for you?"
"What about me?" His eyes were sharp and angry. "Do I not even deserve your company anymore? Was it so bad that I wanted to spend time with you?"
Before I could open my mouth to respond, he held up a hand and shook his head. "Maybe we shouldn't try anymore." His words shattered my heart. "We're in over our heads and there's too much going on. Maybe this stupid relationship isn't worth it anymore."
Stupid? "No, th-that's not what... No."
He shook his head, making his decision final, leaving me alone in rooftop again. I couldn't hear the sounds of his retreating footsteps or if he hesitated and wanted to come back. Almost as if he was never here. He just walked out, leaving me to gasp for air at the pressure forming in my chest.
**
"Hello, Sienna." I greeted our cook in Italian. She had just finished making breakfast for everyone, cleaning up the counters. "What's for breakfast?"
She smiled up at me, her dimples popping out adorably. "Hello, Miss. I made omelette's for Miss Veronica. They're her favorite. How are you today?"
"I'm okay. It smells wonderful in here."
She thanked me, going over to the sink to wash the rag. "Can I ask you a question that may be overstepping my boundaries, Miss?"
I tensed at the words. I had no idea what she was going to ask, making it even more nerve wracking. "You can. I can't guarantee an answer, however."
"I heard you crying in your room a few hours ago. I usually wake up early to get all the ingredients ready for the meals, so as I passed by I heard you. May I ask why? It's not very often I heard you crying, Miss. I was worried."
I blew out a breath, feeling a few muscles relax at her words and a few others tighten even more. "Life has been a bitch to me, lately. I guess it finally caught up to me. Nothing to be worried about."
"Ah," she said. As she finished wiping the counter one last time, she turned around and faced me fully. "You're usually a very... composed person. Not in the sense of crazy, but more of kept together and with a specific persona. It's rare for me to see you show anything aside from that. Do you feel better now? Crying is always good. It doesn't mean weakness, you know. Crying is very good. A person who accepts their tears is a person who accepts the hardships of life and is ready to move on."
I smiled at her, wishing her words could somehow resonate with me. They didn't. "Thank you. I do feel a little better. I didn't expect this wise side of you, Sienna."
She laughed, shrugging her shoulders. "Being the head of a household will do that to you. I had a grandmother to take care of, two little siblings to raise and a bunch of dreams I had to give up on. Life is a bitch to everyone in a different way, but it manages to hurt each one just as bad, no?"
I nodded, feeling those words hit the core of my soul. "Aren't we all just jumping through hoops of fire until we trip and burn alive?"
"Or until we get stuck in one... and still burn alive."
We both laughed. Sienna had become someone I grew comfortable pestering. She always found the time while she worked to talk to me about herself. She was very open about her life and her failed opportunities. She gave me a chance to forget about my own miseries for a while, focusing on hers.
"Tasia?" I turned towards Elijah's voice. "Can I speak to you for a moment?"
I nodded, turning back to Sienna. "See you later. Food looks great."
She smiled. "Grazie."
I walked up to Elijah, who led me towards the back of the villa, sitting in the small swing set that had come with the property. He patted the space next to him. I sat down, folding my hands at my sides. "How are you?"
"I'm doing good, how are you?"
I shrugged. "I'm alive. How's your girlfriend?"
He gave me a confused look. "Girlfriend?"
I had never actually met her. Elijah wasn't one to mix his personal and work life, nor was I one to ask. I just really wanted to buy time from his inevitable philosophical sermon he will gift me with. "Yeah. Andrea? How's she?"
"Andrea is not..." He burst out laughing, shaking his head at me. I pouted at him, confused beyond confusion-ness. "Andrea is a man, Anastasia. How did you not know that?"
My mouth hung open at the new information, my cheeks beginning to heat up. Well then. "I never actually met him. I'm sorry, Elijah. I didn't mean to assume you were... I'm such a moron."
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him. "Don't worry about it, kid. And he's fine. Love's the place very much, actually. He comes from a humble home, so this took him some getting used to."
I smiled at him. "You should tell him to have dinner with us at some point. I'm sure you don't want to involve him in all of this, but it would be great to meet the partner of someone so important to me."
He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I'm important to you, now? You shouldn't make these intense declarations without a warning, kid. I have a boyfriend, you know."
The heat went down to my neck and I rolled my eyes at him. "Does your boyfriend know how incredibly annoying you are? Because you are."
His smile was mischievous, "ah, but I'm still important to you, right?"
I groaned, pushing him. "Did you call me over to torture me? What do you want from me?"
"Oh!" He exclaims, as if remembering what he called me for. "Well, with everything going on lately, I feel like you and I haven't spoke in a long time. So, how are you?"
I tensed at his question, which was ridiculous because what was there to become tense about? He was just asking about me, so why am I getting defensive?
"Relax," he leaned back into the seat and sighed. "I'm asking because I want to know how you are, not to take a deep dive into your mental state."
Oddly enough, his words undid the knots in my shoulders. "Uh, I'm... I'm good."
"Good?" Elijah parroted, looking at me intently. "You know what's funny? I asked Nicolas the same thing like an hour ago and he said the exact same thing. I didn't really believe him, though. Wanna know why?"
I simply shrugged.
"Well for one, I've known Nick since he was a little rascal. The boy was angry about something, yet he said he was good. Any idea why?"
"We had an argument. He left angry after that. I don't know if anything bothered him after."
"Hmm, no wonder. He always seems to be sensitive when the topic is you. But that's not what I wanted to ask you."
I huffed, "then what?"
He smacked a hand on my back and rubbed it, being purposefully annoying. "I heard you're becoming the new boss woman."
"Elijah," I groaned. "I don't want to talk about that right now, okay?"
He chuckled, "sucks to be you, then." I glared at him and he winked at me. "Anyhow, the preparations for the ceremony have been started. No one really counted on you not wanting this, considering how eager you've always been to get involved."
I turned him. "Ceremony?"
"Yup. You didn't know?"
I shook my head.
"Well, it's no big deal so don't get scared. It'll take no more than an hour or two. It's very similar to when your father introduced you to his affiliates. This time, though, you have to speak to them and get to know them. Your father will speak on your taking over and blah blah. Really, a third graders ballet recital is harder than this."
I scoffed, "thank you, Elijah. My worries have been erased. How do you do it?"
He rolled his eyes at me. "Your father came to me before he made his decision, you know."
I swallowed hard, focusing my gaze on the grass.
"He wasn't sure if you were ready to take over, not because you were incapable, but if you personally wanted to or thought you could handle it. He came to me and asked me what I thought about it."
"What'd you say?" I forced myself to ask.
"I told him you're ready. I told him no one ever wants to actually take over the business. He didn't and you don't. It's a heavy burden to carry, but it was heavier for him because he had to do it alone. You'll have him, you'll have me. I told him that you're more capable than you think you are. You belittle yourself, but you have garnered interest and respect in a lot of people in this business. I told him that you'd get angry and you'd hate it at first, but you'd come around."
"How are you so sure?"
Elijah smile, looking up at the ceiling. "Because you're still warm at heart. You understand and you sympathize. Whether you want to do it or not, you know you have to. I told him that you'd realize you were strong enough. That you could balance life and work better than will ever be able to."
"Do you actually believe that?" I asked him, tightening my grip on the edge of the seat.
"Of course I do." His tone indicated that it was obvious. "I've seen you grow from the darkest depths. I won't bullshit you and say you'll be the absolute best. You'll screw up like everyone does. However, you have a special ability that not many in this business have. You accept your mistakes and work them out, not avoid them. Lorenzo avoided the problem of Mussolini and it escalated. You had to deal with it. You will fall, but the success lies in you dusting yourself and continuing to run. I know you can."
Elijah stood up, patting the top of my head before walking off. He didn't say another world or spared me another glance as he went back inside the house. Only walked out and went inside, leaving me to make sense of my emotions.
***
I promise I know the difference between your and you're and their, they're and there AND were, where and we're. Sometimes I'm just a little slower than usual and sometimes I rush too much.
Happy Saturday!