Kabanata 21
Confusing
Sobrang tahimik sa loob ng kotse at sikip na sikip kami sa likod. Nagpapatunog si Jewel ng kung anong kanta na hindi ko naiintindihan while Lorenzo kept stealing glances from the mirror.
Nasa gilid ng bintana si Johnson, tapos ako, tapos si Jairus at nasa kabilang bintana naman si Jeric.
"Miss Priya, may boyfriend ka?" I almost choked when Jairus asked that. Napatingin sa akin lahat ng tao sa sasakyan.
"Of course she would have a boyfriend. She's a bit pretty naman," Jewel said na mukhang minamaliit pa ang ganda ko.
Excuse me, wala s'yang laban sa mukhang 'to.
"Sorry po, Miss Priya," he apologized.
"It's okay." Then the car went silent again. Nakakahiya na ako pa ang huling umimik. It's giving me anxiety.
Pakinig na pakinig ko ang kaba ko na hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling. Malayo layo pa naman ang byahe at dumidilim na. I adjusted on my sit causing the three J's to move. Siniksik nila ang sarili nila sa gilid kaya naman nahiya ako.
"Okay lang. Ipod kayo," I said shyly.
I puffed my breath then my phone rang afterwards. When I saw who the caller is, I immediately felt my blood boiling. Kinalma ko ang sarili ko.
"Hi Priya..." he started. "Katatapos lang ng shoot namin. Kakaunin na kita."
Huminga ako ng malalim. Ramdam kong pinapakinggan nila ako kahit pa hindi sila nakatingin sa akin. Kaya naman ngumiti ako kahit inis na inis na ako sa kaloob-looban ko.
"Priya..." Dim called out again, weighing my anger.
"Pumunta ka sa condo ko. Bukas." I will give this man one hell of a beating. Ipaparamdam ko sa'yo kung paano magalit ang isang Priyanka.
Nag-ubuhan naman ang tatlong lalaking katabi ko na mukhang binigyan pa ng malisya ang pagbabanta ko.
"Mahal ko pa ang buhay ko, Priya naman 'wag ka namang gan–" I ended the call with a fake smile plastered on my face. Sumilip ulit si Lorenzo sa akin.
Naunang bumaba sina Jairus at Johnson na magkalapit lang ang tirahan kaya naman luwag na kami ni Jeric sa likod.
"Ihatid nalang muna natin sila," I heard Jewel talking.
"Mauunang daanan ang inyo," maikling sabi ni Lorenzo sa kanya. I even saw Jewel rolling her eyes but she didn't said a word.
Iimik pa sana ako ng 'para' dahil lampas na sa condo ko pero mukhang walang pakialam si Lorenzo na patuloy pa rin nagdadrive. What is he up to? I slumped back on my seat and stared at the night lights.
The streets are kind of peaceful, even with the light traffic. I took a photo of my view from the car's window and added it to my story with the caption,
peace, will i ever find you?
Ibinaba naman ni Lorenzo si Jewel. Her place is not that far from my condo unit.
"Bye, engineer. Thanks for the ride," she said with twinkle on her eyes, obviously flirting.
"Sure," the oblivious Lorenzo replied. I mentally punched them in my head. Ang sarap pag-untugin.
If we were quiet earlier, lalo na ngayon. Nawala na ang music dahil bumaba na si Jewel. The only thig I could hear now are the sounds of the crickets.
Sunod n'yang ibinaba si Jeric na hindi lang din kalayuan kayna Jewel.
"Thank you po, engineer. Bye po, Miss Priya," he shyly said. Hindi umalis si Jeric sa kalsada at binantayan ang pag-alis namin.
Si Lorenzo naman ay bumaling sa akin mula sa unahan. I gave him a questioning look.
"Lipat ka," he gestured me to change seats. Napakurap-kurap naman ako.
I went out of the car at umupo sa tabi n'ya, nakita ko pa si Jeric na taka akong tiningnan. I gave him an embarrassed smile.
"Nilampasan mo ang bahay ko," I told him when I put my seatbelts on.
"I know," he nonchalantly said.
He did not seemed to mind. He took a u turn before driving again. Kunwari nalang akong nagtitingin ng kung ano sa cellphone ko, only to be distracted from this awkward situation.
"Eyes on the road, Lorenzo," hindi na ako nakapag-pigil. Maya't maya kasi s'yang lumilingon sa akin. His left arm is placed on the side of his window and he's only driving with one hand.
I saw him playing his tongue on the side of his cheeks forcing himself to not let out a smile. Is he enjoying my embarrassment?
This is pure torture!
He parked somewhere, hindi ko alam kung saan. Bumaba s'ya at umikot then he opened the car door for me.
"Hindi ako taga-rito," I tried looking stiff.
"Dinner?" he asked while holding the door of his car. I sighed then walked out. Inilagay pa n'ya ang kamay sa may ulo ko, making sure na hindi ako mauuntog pagbaba ng sasakyan.
We walked side by side to a restaurant. Nauna akong pumasok kaya ako ang pumili ng lamesa. I chose the table with four chairs. Ayaw ko kasi ng masikip and another reason is I want space for my things and I don't want to be in a small place with him.
We both silently ordered. And I would look everywhere except in front of me, still avoiding any contact with him.
"How have you been?" he asked out of the silence. I cleared my throat before answering.
"Good." he only nodded. He doesn't seem to be bothered with the atmosphere and I envy him. Hindi ko alam kung tatagal ba ako dito sa harap n'ya.
Until our orders arrived. We ate in silence, drunk in silence, went out of the restaurant in silence. Everything was dead air na halos hindi ko na maramdaman ang sarili ko. Para akong nakalutang hanggang sa makarating sa kotse n'ya.
"Thanks for the uhh...'" I trailed off because my voice cracked. Dahil siguro sa tagal na hindi nagsasalita. "Thanks for the food."
Parang robot naman s'yang tumango. "You'll be there again tomorrow, right?" he asked.
"No. Hindi pa naman ako kailangan doon." I was planning to stay inside my condo for a whole day, kahit pa hindi naman weekend. Being with Lorenzo for consecutive days is draining my soul. Kailangan kong mag-recharge.
He drove to my place again. Alam n'ya pala kung saan ako nakatira, nagtaka naman ako. But I am more confused with his actions earlier. Hinatid n'ya si Jewal at Jeric na mas malayo sa akin, he turned back to a restaurant to silently eat with me then bring me home after.
Lorenzo should be one of the synonyms of the word confusing.
"Thank you," it was the only thing I said. I hurriedly unbuckled my seatbelt and went out of his car. Hihinga pa sana ako ng maluwag nang makita kong bumaba rin s'ya.
"Ihahatid na kita," pinanlakihan ko s'ya ng mata.
"Hindi na. Kaya ko naman," I panicked, trying to push him away but he didn't seem to understand my pleadings.
"Ihahatid na kita," pag-uulit n'ya.
Wala na akong nagawa. Nasa building na ako mismo at sa totoo lang, hindi na n'ya ako kailangang ihatid. Ang natitira nalang na gagawin ko ay sumakay sa elevator, buksan ang condo ko at nakauwi na ako! But he doesn't seem to get any of that.
Pinindot ko ang button papunta sa unit ko. It's on the top floor again because I renovated it. Iyon ang pinili ko para hindi magalaw o madamay ang nasa taas o baba ko.
I typed the pass code before entering my place. The last day I was with Papa and Kael.
"Come in," nakakahiya naman kung hindi ko papapasukin.
I changed to my slippers and I also gave him one. He was busy surveying my entire place na halos wala namang pinagkaiba sa office ko. Everything, of course, are mostly glass and I have bigger blinds here compared to my office.
The inside is spacious which makes it gloomy. May mga pagkakataon na nakikidayo pa ako kayna Ade at Dim because I never wanted to be alone. Nakakalungkot kapag ang laki ng tirahan mo pero ikaw lang mag-isa ang nakatira.
Gusto ko pa sanang dito nalang patirahin si Lala at Yñigo pero ayaw naman nila. Nabalitaan ko noong nawala sina Papa na pumanaw din si Lola Grasya, ang Lola ni Yñigo. He was Kael's best friend. Iniwan pala s'ya ng mga magulang n'ya. Imagine being left alone at a very young age.
Laking pasasalamat ko noong magkita kami. I visited an orphanage before at kasama ko noon si Lala. They hosted an event and I was one of the speakers. Pagkatapos ng program ay mayroon daw batang nagwawala at hinahanap ko. Gusto raw akong makita.
It was Yñigo.
He hugged me so tight when he saw me. I remembered how my brother and him used to play. Kaya kinupkop namin s'ya ni Lala. He's in high school now. I can't help but wonder, high school na rin sana si Kael ngayon.
Pinaupo ko na muna si Lorenzo sa sofa bago binigyan ng tubig. I don't do groceries that much dahil parati naman akong nasa office.
Hindi ko napansin na kasunod ko pala s'ya sa kusina. He might've noticed how empty my kitchen is. Kahit ilang taon na akong nakatira dito, mukha pa ring bagong gawa lang dahil halos lahat ng bagay ay hindi pa gamit. Some are still even in plastics and boxes.
"I'll just change," I said before going in my room. I slipped in my pajamas, mamaya nalang ako maliligo pagka-alis n'ya.
Pagkalabas ko naman ay nakatingin s'ya sa kung saan. The view from my place is really jaw-dropping so I couldn't blame him.
"Are you okay here?" he asked when he noticed my presence behind him.
"I lived like this for years, Lorenzo. Of course I should be okay," I answered habang lumalapit sa kanya.
We stared at the infinity in front of us. Both eyes in wonder, one feeling tender and another feeling underwater.
The stars are unusually shining so bright in the mystical night and I'm completely enchanted. I don't know if the person beside has something to do with the lights but the evening appeared magical.
We stayed like that for seconds. Seconds turned into minutes until he decided to go home.
"I'm sorry for everything. Good night, Priya," pagpapaalam n'ya makalipas ang ilang minuto. I couldn't smile at him.
I only nodded. The moment I closed the door, my heart opened, letting all emotions sink in me.
Ang bigat.
Hindi ko alam kung anong gusto kong mangyari. Simula noong nagpakita ulit si Lorenzo, sobrang gulo na ng isip ko. Hindi ko maiwasang isipin na baka may motibo ang paglapit n'ya sa akin pero iniisip ko nalang na trabaho.
Parang galit na galit sa'kin ang mundo. As if I'm the most horrible human being and it's punishing me for it.
The reason why I lowkey never wanted to be happy in the first place because sadness has it's way to follow me around. And I know that in the end, I only have myself.
Just when I thought I was done dealing with confusion. I saw Lorenzo's Instagram story. It was our view from earlier, through my huge glass window, with small words written on it but it was enough for me to read.
I want to be your peace.