MAVIS
Kissing Naylan was just... something. On another plane of existence? Indescribable? I wasn't sure if it was because he was my mate or if he was just a good kisser. It didn't matter though. What mattered was that my chest felt like it was going to burn up, and my knees and hands felt wobbly whenever our tongues met. Maybe that was why we'd started opting to make out on the ground—presses up against the dewy grass that smelled like rainwater from the previous day.
"I need to breathe, Mavis," he said when I pulled away for a bit. I smiled down at him, chuckling as I watched him roll his eyes. His chest was rising and falling fast, and his lips were parted as he took in as much air as he could into his mouth.
He closed his eyes for a bit, frowning a little before opening them up again. "Get off me," he sighed, pushing me until I rolled on to his side and stared up at the sky. My chest was rising and falling—my breathing was still uneven, but I was sure things would return to normal in a couple of minutes.
The birds were chirping as they flew overhead. My expression was blank for the most part, but I felt my stomach squeeze up and the end of my lips twisted in a frown when I felt Naylan's thoughts. As expected, the bonding effect had increased with physical contact, and now a lot of the guesses I used to have about Naylan's emotions were less guesswork and more tactful now.
He was worried, and so could feel it, and it made me feel terrible. It's been over a month since he promised that he would tell me when he figured things out, but he still hadn't and I was starting to wonder what was so important that he had lodged in his mind for two fortnights.
"You're still thinking too much," I said, not being able to keep my thoughts to myself.
Naylan blinked, turning his head so that our eyes met. "Sorry," he whispered, not even trying to hide the fact that he was zoning off. "I'm just thinking about—"
"A lot of stuff," I said, finishing his sentence for him. He stared at me, closing his mouth before nodding with a sigh.
"Yeah..." he trailed, acknowledging the excuse he had been using for at least a month now. "Sorry."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I didn't reply. Instead, I looked up at the sky again and watched the clouds slowly move by. It was evening now, and Naylan and I had been out on our walk since morning. We met up so often that I was starting to wonder if everyone knew about us and weren't saying anything. His pack members must have been curious at his frequent disappearances, and it was hard for me to keep using the excuse of hunting with my family when we all knew that the number of animals out and about had dwindled.
"Naylan."
"Hmm?" He stared at me with keen interest, his eyes following the movements of my hands when I raised them to block the retreating sunlight from my face.
"Do you want to tell your pack about me?" I asked, looking at him from the corner of my eyes. "It's getting a bit hard to lie about taking walks, isn't it?" I asked, watching him lick his lips before looking away from me.
"What do you want?" he asked instead, making me frown.
I sighed, dropping my hands. "I don't know," I answered honestly. "It's getting hard to explain where I am all the time."
"You're the one who wanted things like this, so you're still leading the decisions. Whenever you're ready," he said, and I nodded my head. A frown was still on my face, however. I was a bit annoyed at being given the responsibility of deciding where our relationship went, but it made sense. I was the one always drawing and erasing boundaries when I felt like it.
"Can I ask you something?" I mumbled under my breath, sitting up.
Naylan looked up at me. "Yeah, sure."
"Have you always wanted a mate?" I asked, looking closely as he sucked in his cheeks and sat up too. "I was wondering about that because I was dead set on not having one because it meant having to leave my family..." I trailed when he delayed his response. "I don't want to leave my family," I said firmly, watching as he adjusted his sitting position.
"I've always wanted a mate," Naylan replied, looking down at the grass as he picked at the shoelace of his trainers. "I just never thought I would meet my mate considering how far I—my whole family is—from home," he said, letting out a sigh.
"Ah," I let out, recalling that Naylan's mother was an immigrant, and he himself had ventured so far away from the province he was brought up in. Distance could split people up. It happened to my parents.
A frown played on my face, as inside my mouth became sour as I remembered my father. All I know was that he left. I didn't know what he looked like, or what his voice sounded like. Sometimes as a kid I would sit up in bed and try to think of him—wolves had a strong connection to their family, but I mostly felt nothing. I never knew him, so my wolf had nothing to hold on to in order to reach out to him.
"But you left home," I said, noticing that we were both quiet. "If you really wanted a mate, and assumed moving would make it possible that you would never meet them, why did you leave home?" I asked, looking up at Naylan.
He folded his hand on his knees, smiling a bit. "I'm a hopeless romantic, not an idiot," he said, letting out a sigh. "I saw the way my father treated my mother, and I saw how wonderful Adyen's father was to her. None of them were her mates. Sure, I loved the idea that you could possibly meet the person designed for you, but I knew from my mother's relationships that it was possible to be with someone who wasn't your mate that loved you fully," Naylan explained. "So, I decided that following my calling as an alpha was my top priority. It wouldn't make sense to mope and hope for a person I wasn't even sure would be a good fit at the end of the day. Mates are only suggestions, right?" he said, looking over at me with a weak smile.
"They are," I agreed with him.
"Yeah," he said, looking away. "Mate bonds just make things easy. They're like the human equivalent to a dating app, you both know you're into each other so you go for it." He was starting to ramble now. "But you know, I could work a dating app, it doesn't sound that complex," he joked, but flinched, feeling my stomach squeeze up as my breathing got ragged.
I frowned a little. "So if you hadn't met me...?"
"I might have found someone else, or I might have just been on my own," Naylan explained, shrugging his shoulders. His reply made me frown. I couldn't help it. The fact that was something he has considered and is probably still considering due to my lack of decisiveness angered my wolf—angered me.
I swallowed back the build-up of spit in my throat. "Oh." Was the only word I could muster.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, frowning a little.
I shook my head. "Nothing's wrong," I insisted, squeezing you my hands as I blinked back a few times. Naylan didn't seem too emotionally invested in being with me. That should have been good news, but it just wasn't. I didn't like that. I didn't like it at all.
As my heart raced and my mind pondered, I tried to figure out if it was a genuine reaction or if it was just my wolf freaking out. I turned to say something, but Naylan had already gotten up and was adjusting the straps of his backpack.
"I should be going. It's getting late, and there's a pack meeting soon," he muttered, turning around and making his way towards the path that led back to his pack's clearings.
When he was out of sight, I groaned, taking in a deep breath before running my fingers through my hair. My fidgeting and sour mood must have made him uncomfortable, and I was a bit embarrassed by my outburst of emotion. I might have not yelled or talked in a way that made a fool of myself, but I was sure all my agitation had been obvious on my face.
"Fuck," I groaned, looking up at the now darkening sky as I wondered what all my frustration was about.
I had wanted Naylan to be easy to put away when I felt he would encroach into my life too much, but here I was, upset that I had what I wanted.
"Do I want him to like me...?" I asked out loud, frowning a little.
Do I already like him? I wondered, feeling a shiver run up my spine as I tried to contextualize my reaction to his comments.