We progressed along nicely with dinners out, watching movies on the couch. The petting got heavier and the cuddling got a lot steamier. I slept at her house more often than I slept at mine, and even put some toiletries in her bathroom, which she did not object to. She had a wicked grin on her face when she asked, "Are you sure you trust me with your stuff?"
We've talked a fair amount about Millie and the girls, which was a necessary conversation. After ten days, I had to leave to go back to London to see the girls. Dulcie is dancing in a show at her preschool and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Dakota advises me, "Be sure and take her flowers for after the show."
"I was planning to."
"But not a big bouquet, something appropriate for her size like a posy or a nosegay – little girls love those."
I can't help but grin at her enthusiasm, "Speaking from experience?"
She nodded excitedly, "Oh yes. Daddy always brought me flowers after every performance. And be sure to pick one with the right meaning."
I frown at that, "Meaning?"
She bops her head again, "All flowers symbolize something. Whenever Daddy gave me flowers, Mama would explain what they meant. For example, daisies represent innocence, purity, and hope."
"DONE! Daisies for Dulcie for life!"
She chuckles, "You could also go with white rosebuds, they signify girlhood and innocence. Asters are also a good choice because they mean love and daintiness."
I filed away this significant piece of information about Dakota. Flowers have special meaning to her that most of us mere mortal men have no clue about. I will take extra care in the flowers I give from now on.
***
This time with Jamie has been divine. True to his word, he has been diligent in his attentions, but has not pressured me for sex. We are, as he says, learning our way around each other. And from the experience, I would have to say that his hands and his mouth definitely know their way around a woman's body. There is not an inch of me that he hasn't touched, kissed and licked. Who knew the back of your arms could be an erogenous zone?!? Not me! Until the night he had me on my belly and licked and kissed his way from my shoulder to my elbow.
I have done my share of exploring his magnificence as well. He is not at all body shy, and I mean really, why would he be? While all of this has been extremely enjoyable and is moving me closer and closer to readiness, it's also unleashed some of my insecurities. The night before he leaves, I finally muster up the confidence to ask, "Jamie, how many 'companions' have you had since your divorce?" I gulp, not quite believing I asked that question.
He takes a sip of his wine, crosses his arms on the table and meets my eyes. "Six." Damn, that is way more than I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting was his counter move, "And you?"
I meet his eyes with equal strength, "Two."
He takes another sip. "Chris and ???"
I take a sip too, "I'm not asking you for the names of your harem, so you don't get to either." I am peeved and I can't help it, "So let me get this straight. You finally get divorced, and your first order of business was to go out and get laid by SIX different women?!?! You didn't think to, oh I don't know, maybe reach out to me?"
He doesn't even hesitate. "No. I didn't. For all I knew, you were in a committed relationship and I was a hot mess. I needed to be a stronger man before I faced you again."
I snort, "I'm sure they gave you a good workout, Champ."
He leans forward to speak more earnestly toward me, "Dakota, how is this even relevant? We weren't together. I was a mess. You were in a relationship. What does it matter now?" He reaches out to take my hand, "What matters is that the minute I read the script for Undeniable I knew it was yours. I took it as an omen that this was my way back to you. I have not been with or seen anyone sexually or socially from that moment. I was, and I am, dedicated to winning you."
The tears start to fall as I shake my head and run my hands through my hair. "Six women, Jamie. SIX! And I'm sure they were all gorgeous and stunning. You can't imagine how that makes me feel!"
He snorts, "You think not?" His voice gets louder as he points at me for emphasis – "I had to watch DAILY clips of you with Scott – touching, cuddling, kissing, being intimate. How the fuck do you think that made ME feel?"
I throw my hands up and shout in frustration, "That was ACTING, Jamie! It wasn't real!"
He stomps around, running his hands through his hair in a frustrated manner. "No! That was some serious chemistry. You felt something."
I scream at him, "So what?!?! You and I had chemistry too and we both know nothing happened."
He smiles sadly, "And yet here we are now."
The wind passes right out of my sails and I sigh, "Oh Jamie – you can NOT possibly think for a hot second that Scott is an issue for us?!? Please tell me you know that."
He shrugs, "Who's to say that five years from now you won't be divorcing my ass to be with him?"
I surge at him and grab his face with two hands, "I SAY! Me, Jamie! I SAY! Yes, Scott is insanely attractive and I do care for him, but baby, he's not even in your ballpark. You are the stuff all my dreams are made of and what I feel for him is not remotely similar to what I feel for you. Believe me, love – I waited this long for you. I'm not giving you up for anything or anyone."
He settles, but still snorts like a bull. "I trust you. And honestly, I trust him. But I still don't like it. It's always going to be a touchy spot for me."
I keep stroking his face. "I understand. Just like the Double D twins are a sore spot for me. But sweetie, we have press and premieres for this movie coming up. You know what that means. They will be determined to make us look like more than we are. How do we navigate that to avoid future meltdowns?"
He ponders that for a moment, "He needs to keep his hands off your ass." He pauses a moment and then continues, "And no kissing on the lips."
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull his face down to mine, "That is entirely manageable." I give him a kiss, "And you'll be there too? We can act like the couple we are?" I am nodding my head, cueing him with the correct answer.
He finally gives me a small smile and nods, "I'll be there. We'll have to be separate at times, but when I'm with you, we can be the couple we are. And I WILL be touching your ass and kissing your lips."
I giggle as I kiss him. And he's back! There's my Jamie.
***
When it was time for me to leave, she dropped me off at the airport with a teary goodbye. I give her a sweet kiss, "I'll be back in four days, love. No time at all." She snots on my shoulder and clings to me tighter.
She mumbles into my neck, "Don't forget about me."
I laugh heartily at that and lift her chin to meet her eyes, "Fat chance of that, sweetheart. You're in my every thought whether I'm with you or not." I kiss her again, "I'll call as often as I can given time zone differences."
She nods and sniffs again, "Be safe. Come back to me soon."
My heart flipped. Come back to ME. I can dine on that. "I will, love. I'll be back to you as soon as I can." I give her another kiss goodbye and nuzzle her nose, "I love you, sweetheart." Her eyes are still closed, but she smiles and holds me tighter. I've told her a few times that I love her, but she's never returned the sentiment. I know in my gut that she does, and that's enough. She's still hesitant, but I can wait her out.
***
I had the sweetest surprise this morning. I wasn't sure at first it was going to be sweet, but it turned out beautifully. I was sitting on my patio reading over a script when I got a FaceTime alert. It was a number I didn't recognize, but I sure as hell knew the face.
"Hi Amelia. I'm surprised to hear from you." More like surprised, a little irritated, and scared at what she might have to tell me.
She smiled big, "Cheers Dakota! I have someone here who would love to chat with you if you have a few minutes?"
Oh dear God, please don't let it be Jamie telling me they have reconciled yet again. Instead, a sweet little blonde angel took the phone. "Koko?"
My heart melted, "Dulcie! Oh baby girl, look at you! So big! And your hair is so long and lovely. And you are so beautiful!" I can't help my tears as noting the changes in her reminds me of just how long it's been since I saw her last.
She giggles at me and seems shy about what to say. I hear Amelia prompt her, "Tell her thank you."
She nods, "Thank you for the flowers!" She holds up a beautiful little nosegay of white daisies.
"Oh honey, those are so pretty! But Daddy gets all the credit. He wanted you to know how proud of you he is."
She twirls one big fat curl absently, "He said your Daddy used to give you flowers too."
I nod at her with a smile, "He sure did. In fact, he still does. Daddies love to spoil their baby girls."
She giggles, "Koko, you aren't a baby!"
I giggle back at her, "Trust me, honey, when it comes to your Daddy, you will always be his baby girl – no matter how old you are."
She sniffs at her flowers and looks very matter of fact as she recites, "He told me these flowers mean hope, innocence, and purity." She nods her head and looks back to Amelia for confirmation. Then she looks back to me and continues, "But he won't tell me what purity means."
I chuckle and I hear Amelia do the same. "Baby, it's just another way of saying he thinks you are a very, very good girl. Your heart is pure. You have kind thoughts, you treat people nicely, you are sweet to your Mum and help her with your sisters."
I see Amelia over her shoulder mouth the words 'thank you'.
Then Dulcie gives a click of her tongue and a sigh that I wouldn't expect to see until she's about thirteen. "Well he could have told me that."
"Sometimes Daddies have a hard time telling you how they feel. So they try to show you instead."
She considers that a minute, "I guess so. Koko, are you coming to visit?"
How to respond. We have talked about this yet with Amelia, so I tread lightly. "Well, I'm going back to Belfast in a few weeks. Maybe if things work out, I can see you then."
She brightens at that, "Are you going to see my PopPop?" She gives me her girlie giggle again, "He said you call him JimJim. That is so funny!"
Wow, JimJim and Dulcie talked about me? Hope Amelia is okay with all that. Right then she leans over Dulcie's shoulder so she is in the screen too. "Dulcie, it's time to let Dakota go now. Daddy will be here in a few minutes to collect you and Elva."
She doesn't even hesitate, just blows me a big fat kiss and hollers, "Bye Koko!" Then Amelia smiles at me as well, "Thank you for that. And for the flower idea. It meant a lot to Dulcie. And to Jamie, as well. It was a very sweet moment. I'll send you some photos."
I smile back to her, "I'm glad she enjoyed them. And thanks, I'd love to see some pix of the event."
She went on, "Jamie said you'll be coming back to Belfast with him and would like to have the girls come stay for a bit to visit with you and PopPop. We'll make sure to work something out."
I heave a sigh of relief and give her a sincere smile, "Thank you, Amelia, I'd really enjoy that."
"Of course, and Dakota, please call me Millie. My mother is the only one who calls me Amelia."
We share a laugh and hang up. Nice surprise indeed.
The euphoria was short-lived. About three hours later, Jamie called and his voice was not as warm as usual. After initial greetings, he said "So, Dulcie said you girls talked."
I bounce in my seat, "We did! And it was SO great! Oh Jamie, I can't believe how big she's gotten."
"Do you think that maybe you should have given me a heads up?"
Pause...is he kidding me? "What? That your wife FaceTimed me with your daughter right there? All I did was answer the phone. I didn't initiate anything without your knowledge."
He corrects me, "Ex-wife."
"Fine, ex-wife. Why are you being so pissy about this?"
He sighs heavily, "I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated. You are perfectly fine getting deeper into some areas of my life, but then hold yourself back in others."
I think about that for a moment and I feel the steam start to rise. "Is this because I haven't fucked you yet? Is that what I'm hearing from the man who said he wouldn't rush me?"
His steam rises too, "Dammit Dakota. I don't want you to fuck me, I want to make love WITH you. There's a difference. And honestly love, I've been celibate for months and no amount of jacking off can ease the ache you feel for the woman you love."
I take a big swig of wine. Mind made up. "Fine. Come home and make sweet love to me and then I will fuck your brains out and we'll never have this discussion again. Agree?"
He snickers and I hang up on him before he can say anything, then I turn my phone off. I can't deal with any more of him right now. What a stupid ass. I storm and sputter a little. Maybe I'm a little frustrated too. I feel like sex is constantly on both of our minds, even the not having sex. I hate the pressure. It's not that I don't love him, and it's definitely not like I can't wait to have him, but I am secretly concerned that it's not going to live up to the hype in his brain. He is way more experienced than I am, and probably more adventurous. What if I'm a letdown? What would that mean for our relationship? I'm no idiot. I know Chris had his flings. I let them slide because our relationship wasn't serious. But it would kill me if Jamie had to have some side action to keep up with his sexual appetite.
I sleep fitfully and wake to find a text from him. On the plane. Can't wait to see you. No fucking required!
Man up, Dornan. We're doing this.
Not like this, we aren't.
Like what?
Angry sex.
Sex is sex. Take it or leave it.
I'll leave it and wait until it's loving sex. We deserve that.
But I've heard angry sex is great and I want it to be good for you.
Honey, it's you. When it happens, it will be good. Off the charts good. Yes, I am horny as all hell, but I've waited for you and will keep waiting for you.
I chew my lip a little and text him my truth. I don't want to be a disappointment after all of your 'companions'. It's intimidating.
Oh baby, we are ending this conversation right now until I can look you in the eye and hold you close. Let me just say that you have never been nor could you ever be a disappointment to me in ANY way.
You don't know that. I've never had a single boyfriend that was completely faithful to me. I'm clearly lacking something in that area.
We are not doing this via text. Trust me, love – there is absolutely nothing lacking. Remember that I love you. I am and will be faithful to you – even if we never had sex. Now put your phone down.
***
Damn, her insecurities run deep. I'm definitely understanding her hesitation a lot better. I need to get a grip on it and keep putting in the work to prove to her that she can trust me with her body and her heart. I thought we were making such good progress. She's definitely a little shy in bed, but she is a naturally sensual creature – she's passionate and responsive. She has let me explore her body to my heart's content, although I had to progress very gradually. It took her a while to let me go down on her, but when we finally crossed that bridge, she howled like a banshee when she orgasmed. It was the sexiest damn thing I've ever seen and it made me shoot off in my briefs. We've done a little dry humping, which usually ends up with both of us coming – pretty strongly, actually. By the time we get around to actual intercourse, I expect the top of my head to blow off.
But now I know I can't tell her that or it will just make her more fearful that somehow she won't deliver on my expectations. I scoff to myself, silly damn woman. I need to figure out how to take the focus off of sex and remind her that I'm trying to win her heart, not her pussy. Make no mistake, I will end up with both, but I want her jumping in with both feet, not simply tripping into the pool.
I connect to the in-flight WiFi and start hunting down flower meanings. I smile when I find what I'm looking for, then I place an online order at the florist near her home. I will absolutely show up tonight because I don't want to give her any more time to fret, and I will definitely not be empty-handed.