Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship.
Romans 12:1 AMP
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Taji
I needed a minute. Normal people would need a minute to collect themselves after such an incident. I, however, felt like my head was about to explode. My ears were ringing as I felt as if steam was forcing it's way out.
No, no, no.
Not this again.
Please God no.
I bent over the sink to splash some water on my face to try and cool myself down. The sound of someone flushing startled me. I snapped my head back towards whoever it was.
Mark?
What's he doing here?
"Taji... are you okay?" He asked as he walked towards the sink. He seemed a bit shaky but I was sure it was all because of the dark stare I was shooting his way. He dried his hands and walked up to me. He placed his hand on my shoulder and I just snapped.
I pushed his hand away and shoved him, hard. Next thing I knew, Mark was on the ground. The look in his eyes, something one can't quite forget. He seemed like he wanted to push back, but he clearly understood what was going on. I turned around and dug my hands into my hair as I tried to control my breathing.
I messed up.
What was I thinking.
I always find a way to mess everything up.
Oh God why did I throw away my meds.
What will I tell her that was?
She'll leave.
Everyone does.
Everyone does.
Everyone does.
"Taji... I know you want to be alone right now. But what are you talking about?" Mark asked cautiously.
Did I say all that out loud?
"P... please... keep... k... keep... Raziya... occupied. She's... sh... she's on the b... balcony. Please. She can't see me like th... like this. Please. Please," I struggled to say.
"Okay, you'll be fine bro. Just breathe okay?" And with that, he left.
I looked into the mirror and everything was blurry. It was a mixture of the usual adrenaline rush plus a mountain of regret hanging from my neck. My head felt heavy as my brain couldn't process what exactly I wanted to focus on. My breathing was heavy as I frantically searched for something to punch. There was nothing at all.
Get a hold of yourself.
You'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
I tried saying it over and over till my mind complied, but it just didn't work. I leaned on the wall and slid to the ground. I let my hair go as I dug deeper into it, shaking as I tried my best to calm down. I felt like a maniac. Overreacting to something I could have just handled with a simple conversation. My mind was drifting to it's dark place and I didn't want to end up there. Suddenly, in the midst of all this madness, the still small voice I kept hearing was there.
Be still and know that I am God.
(Psalms 46:10)
My breathing slowed down as I felt my mind clear up. My body stopped shaking and a certain sense of calmness filled the atmosphere. I felt alive again. I looked up and smiled as my breathing got back to it's normal state.
Thank you God.
I sat there a little longer and prayed. I apologized to God for allowing my feelings to override my sanity and asked Him for guidance to move on from there. I honestly wanted to kiss her breathless, but something about it felt off. Her blank stare as I pulled myself from her was more than enough to send the message. It was too soon and I didn't really know how to do this in this new life I chose. With Sasha, we'd do all kinds of things. But with Raz, everything felt so pure and authentic. I didn't want to lose all that so my hormones needed to chill.
I then got up to wash my face again. I looked at my disheveled state and gave myself a half smile. I didn't quite understand why God just showed up right on time for such a lost cause, but I just loved Him then more than ever before. I felt a heart warming conviction that as long as I relied on Him for my strength, I'll fully recover from this darkness that has eaten up way too many good years. I'd said before that He was my sanity, and I meant it, now more than ever.
I might not be in control of how my mind keeps fluctuating, but one thing I was a hundred percent sure of was the fact that I wanted Raziya in my life. It was all so strange. Not so long ago I didn't trust anyone but Tanya. But I just felt like I could trust her. I, however, still wasn't ready to tell her about everything. There was still the fear that she'd freak out and leave me, just like everyone else did. Even so, I still felt like she was worth the shot. If she'd eventually make me go fully psychotic, I'd be glad to spend the rest of my life in the psychiatric centre.
I finger-combed my hair then tied it up and slapped myself a bit to shake off any residual psychological weight. I then took in a deep breath and let it out loudly as I walked back. The silence between those high walls was kinda eerie and I felt utterly stupid for leaving a girl all alone to tend to my issues.
The sound of laughter met my ears as I approached the door to the balcony. She was okay and that's all I wanted to know.
"Sorry I took too long," I said as I walked in on their conversation.
"It's okay. I'm assuming the chicken wings weren't being kind to you?" She said as she laughed.
If only you knew.
"Yeah," I lied as I joined in their laughter. Mark narrowed his eyes at me and I ignored his stance as I walked over to her.
"Ready to go? I don't want your mother to skin me alive," I said reaching out for her hand. She blushed a bit as she reached out slid her hand into mine.
"Wait up!" Mark said as he followed us. We walked hand in hand with Raziya as Mark continued the story he was telling her. When we got to the parking lot, I finally remembered to ask.
"Why are you here by the way?"
He let out an exasperated sigh then began explaining why.
"I didn't feel like narrating this story again. Anyway, I was on a date with Lily..."
"Okaaayyy..." I interrupted as I wagged my eyebrows at him.
"Let me finish," he said back a bit too harshly. I raised my hands in surrender and let him speak.
"Everything was going so well, till it wasn't anymore. Long story short. She told me something about her ex. I don't think I should disclose the story. Apparently your girlfriend here also doesn't know it. She said she'll tell you guys when she's ready to do so. Anyway, it took a toll on me and I needed to breathe. So I saw this place on my way home and decided I'll walk around. Raz already told me why you guys are here,"
"I'm really sorry about whatever happened. I hope you got the clarity you needed." I said as I placed my hand on his shoulder. He shrugged his shoulders and sighed. He then smiled at us before bidding us good bye. I gave him a hug and whispered an apology for what happened earlier on. He assured me that it was all good then hugged Raz and left.
"You wanna drive home?" I asked Raz. I loved seeing how childishly excited my car made her. I also partly needed more time to clear my head. I didn't want to crash into anything on the way and literally kill my hopes of love.
Love.
Still feels strange to call it that.
She nodded vigorously with a grin as she snatched my keys. I chuckled and went over to the passenger side. We played her usual playlist from where it'd stopped all the way.
We pulled up to her gate as the song ended. She turned the car off then leaned back on the seat and let out a sigh. I told myself that she was just physically exhausted but something just told me that she was emotionally exhausted, by me.
"I had so much fun tonight." I said to draw her attention to me. She turned her head to me and blushed a bit as she said," Me too." I reached for her hand and held on to it tightly. I sighed then said, "I know I crossed the line today. I am genuinely really really sorry. Please believe me. I don't know how exactly to explain what happened. I didn't think it through and I really hope that this won't change anything between us."
Who am I kidding, of course everything will be different.
Please don't leave.
Please.
She rested her other hand on mine and looked straight into my eyes and said,"It's okay Taji. Everyone makes mistakes. We live, we learn, we move on. Don't stress about it. Let's just not talk about it again, okay?" She said with a smile. A genuine smile that made her eyes smile too.
I smiled back and nodded my head. I felt a slight sting as she referred to it as a mistake but I brushed it off. I let go of her hands and stepped out of the car. I rushed to the other side before she got out and opened the door for her. She got out avoiding eye contact. I found it really cute whenever she did that. It assured me that I was at least doing something right.
"You're coming in right?" She asked as we approached the sage green gate. Yes, it still cracks me up. I was surprisingly not phased at all by the thought of being around her parents. What bothered me was the thought of her wanting to meet mine.
"Taji!" Her mum called out as we walked in. She welcomed me with a warm hug as she asked if I brought back her daughter in one piece. Her father also hugged me. This is supposed to be something normal for most people, but the thought of a fatherly father was the farthest thing from reality to me. I kinda cringed but hugged him back regardless. The problem was, she noticed. Raziya glared at me for a second then smiled it away.
They tried to beg me to stay for tea but I respectfully declined. It really was getting late and I had to be up early the next day for church. Raziya walked me out.
"You free next Saturday?" I asked.
"I could be," she said grinning at me.
"Where would you like to go?"
"We'll plan in the course of the week. No abandoned balconies if it'll only be just the two of us though," she said with a nervous chuckle. I laughed then pulled her into a hug. We stood in each other's embrace for quite a while. I don't know about her, but my heart felt peaceful, consumed by the smell of strawberries and my cologne on her.
She pulled away, avoiding eye contact. It just made me smile each time. "Drive safe." She said as she stepped back.
"I will. See you tomorrow Strawberry."
She came up to my window when I got in.
"Thank you for everything. Letting me drive your car, dinner, the gallery. You have no idea how much fun I had."
"Don't mention it, I'm just glad you didn't crash," I joked.
"I'm not a bad driver," she said laughing.
"Keep telling yourself that Strawberry,"
"Get lost," she said shooing me away.
All I could think of as I drove was the dreadful day when I'd explain everything to her.