I'm hungover and sad when I wake up. I'm still in the back with Mike, sleeping on top of him. His head is against mine, he's snoring quietly so I know he's asleep still.
I know it wasnt fair of me to blow up at him last night. I just needed somewhere to put all my anger and he was the easiest target. He only deserved about 5% of what I gave him.
I also feel bad for Dan. I should've been more considerate towards him. I also shouldnt have been with him while knowing I wanted Mike too. Maybe I made a bit of a mess of everything. I'm surprised that Mike and Dan were so nice to me considering how I treated both of them. I was kinda playing them both for the past two months.
Even my best friend is mad at me because of all this. Im sure Jaime isnt too happy about it either, I couldve screwed this whole tour up.
I suck. I should just leave. Everyones mad at me already and Im not too happy with Mike still.
Im upset because I want him, but I know I shouldn't want him. He doesnt want me. Its a huge mistake in general.
I go to get up off of Mike but as soon as I move he wraps his arms tight around me and pulls me down.
"Dont go." he mumbles. "I missed this."
"Me too." I say softly, not sure if I truly mean it or not.
He turns his head and gives me a kiss on the forehead. "I mean it, I missed you so much. I wanna be with you."
Just then Vic and Tony come in the back, already in party mode. Mike and I sit up and join in on the festivities.
Awhile later the guys go to the venue for their show but I stay behind. Considering theres only a week left of the tour and we're back in our home city, I decide to leave. While the guys are doing their set I pack my things up and leave. I send Jaime a text to let him know and tell him that I loved the tour and that we'll catch up when he's home.
I take one last look around the bus and walk off, heading back to where I shouldve been in the first place. Home.
Ive been home for two days now and honestly it feels super weird. It feels weird waking up in the same state I fell asleep in. It feels weird being alone. But it feels nice too. I don't feel any pressure to be a certain way, I don't feel like I need to drink all the time. I just feel way more relaxed.
Jaime called me when he was done his set on the day I left. He was worried but he understood. We made plans for next Thursday, four days after he gets back.
Mike's called me five times but I haven't answered yet. Im trying to leave all that drama behind. I know it wouldnt work between us so why even bother trying? I dont wanna put myself through the pain of trying something that will inevitably fail. Mike is great, but hes not great for me. I need calm and simple. I need something who actively wants me and just me. I'm sure I'll get it someday, it just wont be from Mike.