Author's Note:
Yes, this is back!
And with another update!
Canon spoilers through GA-S2-E3
bobbiejelly
CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:
SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.
MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.
Sutures.
bobbiejelly
Love The Way You Lie
Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.
-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey
MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.
CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.
*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*
Chapter 18: GONE
Your first crisis is that you've made up your mind.
You're going to leave Seattle. You're going to ask to divorce him and if he says no, you're going to leave him anyway.
You know you'll have to leave all the career progress you made here but it's small pennies compared to what you could be making if you didn't have to watch for him over your shoulder.
You think you could be a better person if you didn't have to hide your damn cuts all the time.
The first cut is the deepest. You laugh at the irony. The millionth one is always the deepest because it cuts through the scar tissue whole.
You're walking to the Chief's office.
You're going to tell Richard.
You're going to break the news.
Richard is walking together with you.
You take a deep breath and say you're going to leave the next morning.
Richard does not want you to go.
You both go into his office.
Richard asks about the premature baby.
You stiffen your lip as you say that you're letting her go.
You're not talking about the preemie here. You're talking about someone you wish you could call your 'baby,'. You're talking about Derek's lusty intern you're falling in love with...
"He calls me Satan, Richard...He wins. I'm leaving in the morning," you add.
It's not a very convincing argument because he laughed at that joke and you know he knows you don't actually care.
You care that he's a reincarnation of everything evil and that if he rose somehow to heaven that you would want to run past him to hell because it might be healthier than an eternal afterlife with him in it.
George knocks on the door, something concerning Ellis.
You realize again that he has a puppy crush on Meredith because he seems very concerned about Meredith's mother.
So are you but so is George and it pisses you off even though you're leaving.
Richard motions for him to come in and you see something shift in Webber's expression at the mention of Meredith's mother but you have no idea why and you're not going to ask, anyway.
You overhear George tell Richard that Ellis has a mass on her liver and your heart breaks for Meredith because her mother might have cancer and you're going to flee to New York and it's all so fucked up you can't stand it.
Years later you'll realize this was fucked up for reasons beyond your control as well.
The chief asks George to leave and you sit there with him for a moment and you're wondering if he's going to say something to you about why he's staring off to space but he doesn't.
Richard asks you not to let him drink in the next ten minutes and you're shocked because why would he drink at work but then again you wonder if Derek does, sometimes.
You don't.
You would never.
You don't need any other reason to fire your stupid ass.
Richard decides he can't handle his office anymore and you're walking with him and George is still hanging around outside his office so he walks along with you.
Richard tells George they need to do a biopsy before saying it's cancer.
You George run off to tell Meredith the news with the paper.
You can see Meredith whisper something to George who goes into Ellis' room and then he comes out of it again and comes back to join you all the while and you watch as Meredith leans up against the counter and you wish you could kiss it all better.
You don't think your kisses would be good enough to make anything better but you'd try for her.
You see Doctor Stevens running up from the first floor hallway and you think she's looking for the chief but she isn't.
Izzie sees you both and says she needs YOU.
Izzie is reluctant to say why she is needed in front of Richard and you realize she must have something incriminating to say. Something even more incriminating, apparently, than mothers with Alzheimer's and apparently, cancer, because all of that already happened today to her friend.
Your friend.
Sort of.
You'd like to be more than just Meredith's friend but you'd settle for just a friend at this point.
Izzie Stevens says that Cristina Yang collapsed.
George is concerned.
You wonder why the hell YOU are needed.
Izzie does not say anything at all.
Oh.
You understand at the same time that Richard does even though George seems to only get it six seconds later, and yet, he's the one to finally say it.
George says, "Cristina's pregnant!?" Izzie tells him to shut up and asks you to come with her.
You do.
You follow her.
You follow Izzie and you find Izzie pretty nice as a person and you're worried because you have not talked to Cristina yet really but you know she's Meredith's best friend and you'll never live it down if you lose her.
As you leave the staircase you tell Richard that this does not change anything, that you're still leaving in the morning. Richard rubs his hand on his head. George says, "This is a very bad day."
The walk down the hallway is endless and Izzie doesn't talk and you don't talk.
Bailey's there and you and her and Izzie are trying to help the now you know is pregnant, Cristina.
Yang goes in and out of consciousness. Bailey asks if there's someone they can call. You see that a tube in Cristina's uterus burst and she is bleeding out.
You take a deep breath and you do this because this is what you are made for.
As you are operating on Cristina, Izzie asks if Cristina's going to be okay.
You ask her how attached she was to the pregnancy.
Izzie doesn't know because Cristina is a private person.
You empathize with this because you flashback to your own carrying of Mark's baby and how you fled your damn life and hid out at a hospital under 'Jane Doe,' until you ran out of cash.
Bailey is standing watch over Cristina. You say to Bailey that she must have another surgery to get to. Bailey says, "No, I'm fine right here" and strokes Cristina's head.
You respect Miranda Bailey so much more as a person from then on.
Bailey sees Meredith putting on a surgical mask in the scrub room.
You see her, too, and you want nothing more than to rush towards her but you can't because you're holding Cristina's organs in your hands.
Bailey goes and meets Meredith at the door. Bailey asks if Meredith needs something.
Meredith says she's going in.
Bailey says she's not going in.
Meredith says she's going in because she's Cristina's friend.
Bailey says, "Exactly. She's lying on the operating table, naked, exposed. She's sedated but she's probably scared out of her mind. And right now she's not a doctor, she's not your friend, she is a patient and she deserves to have all the privacy I can give her. You're not going in there."
Meredith says, "We went jogging this morning. I made her go jogging. There's no way that could've [trails off]?"
Bailey says, "No, no. It started out this way. Nothing caused it to happen."
Meredith says she has to let her in.
Bailey says, "You can try but I'd have to take you down. Hey, I may be short but you're pretty tiny. I could do it."
Meredith replies, "Right now, just at this moment, I hate you." Bailey says, "Yeah, well, I can take it."
You all look inside at Cristina.
You want Meredith to stay there even though you know Bailey asked her not to be for Cristina and you get that but you're greedy for Meredith's attention because you crave her calming presence more than anything.
You wonder where Meredith went to and if you'll catch up to her, later, or not.
You want to say goodbye before you go.
So you do.
You want to tell her everything before you leave.
You want her to know.
You find Meredith sitting by herself in an empty O.R. Gallery and you ask her if you can sit and she says that you can.
"Hey, Doctor Montgomery," Meredith says with a sad smile and you greet her with "Hey, Doctor Meredith," and she smiles at you for real.
You hold her gaze until she drops it again and you ask how she's doing.
Meredith says it's hard with Cristina because they are best friends and they have since the first day working here.
You nod and you tell her about Naomi and how you two met in medical school, lived together, you tell her about her husband Sam and about their daughter, Maya, who is your god baby.
Meredith says it's really beautiful that you got to be around for your best friend's delivery.
You don't tell her why you missed the rest of her pregnancy.
You want to tell her more but you want to know how much she knows, now, already.
You ask Meredith what happened that night at the trailer.
Meredith says she already told you.
You insist.
Meredith tells you.
You don't know what even to say...
You want to cry but you don't.
Meredith wants to hold you and you know you shouldn't let her but you do.
You let her take you into her arms because you know you're leaving and this might be the only time you let her have you like this so you let her.
You sink into her warm embrace and Meredith soothes over your skin with her hands.
And then Meredith's hand goes to rub soothing circles around your shoulder.
And then it moves down to rub soothing circles around your hip.
And then it lands on your stomach and you gasp and recoil because her fingernail grazed one of your sutures by accident and you think that you're bleeding again.
Meredith looks you right in the eye and asks you what happened.
You want to tell her.
You don't want to tell her.
You hate Derek.
You love Derek.
You want to be honest.
You love the way he lies.
You're so fucking confused you're sitting there still in Meredith Grey's arms as she's waiting for her best friend on the planet to come out of surgery and she's comforting you and you want to cry but you don't.
Meredith asks if she can see what happened to you.
You close your eyes and consider this.
You'll be gone in the morning, anyway.
You pull up your scrub top and you stare into her blue eyes and you watch them water to tears at your scars.
Meredith gives you a soft eye look that you know she usually reserves for patients and you usually would mind that you're being looked at like that but you don't.
A part of you loves that she's taking care of you now in the way that she can.
Meredith just being here, holding you, not judging you for your past and your present and future, it's the best gift she can give you and you think you could live your life remembering this.
You don't talk for a long time. Neither does Meredith. You notice she examines every one of your scars and you examine every one of her features and you just stay like that for a while.
You say you're leaving.
Meredith asks you for how long.
You say you don't know but it might be forever.
Meredith says that she'll miss you.
You cling to her shoulder and Meredith brings herself closer and you stay like this until you can feel her tears running down your own body and you see she's shaking from bawling so hard.
You tell her that she's enough and that she always will be.
Meredith tells it to you back.
You try to believe it because it's Meredith saying it to you.
You can tell she's trying hard to believe it, too.
You don't, and neither does she, but you're neither of you denying it either, at least, not this time.
Meredith doesn't ask you why you're leaving and you don't tell her.
You wonder if she's long since guessed but you don't talk about it and neither does she.
Meredith just looks at your scars and asks you if you want her to help stitch you up again.
You look up at her and you realize that no person on the planet has ever asked you that before.
You say yes because you want to and you realize that at the very least you could call this a 'teachable moment,' should anyone see you together in an exam room.
Meredith takes the sterilized instruments and she asks you if you want lidocaine.
You haven't used painkillers for simple sutures on yourself since before you can remember.
You say "no," because you don't and Meredith doesn't ask why and you like that about her.
Meredith doesn't question your choices or tell you what to do or not do with your body.
Unlike everyone else, it seems. Especially your husband, Derek.
Meredith asks if you're ready and you say that you are.
You are, as much as you can be. It's better than doing it yourself anyway.
You grit your teeth as Meredith ticks in the needle and expertly weaves it around the sutures you've already laid there.
It hurts but not as much as Meredith expects it to because she looks at you as if you'll scream but you don't and she just keeps going anyway.
You praise her on her technique.
She praises you, on yours.
You think she means that you didn't yell and Meredith tells you it's not that.
Meredith praises you on your suturing technique of your stomach.
You say "thank you."
You swear, then, because you realize you'd just admitted that you'd done them yourself.
You always have, but you didn't quite expect to confess that part to Meredith Grey quite yet.
You enjoy her caring for you more than you should and you know that it's morbid as heck that you're the battered wife being stitched up by the mistress.
Her tender hands are winding in and out and you close your eyes and you wish she didn't have to be here for you.
Meredith says that she really doesn't mind.
You tell her that you mind that she's in the middle of this.
Meredith reminds you you're leaving.
But you're here now, you remind her.
Meredith sighs at you. You sigh at her.
You just sigh together and you're not really angry at each other, anyway.
You wonder the fuck is wrong with you both but you're here and it doesn't feel wrong it feels alright and you're not sure why you're both so messed up like this.
Meredith asks if you're tired because she says that she is.
You say that you are.
You both know it means more than just being sleepy.
It's about being weary from being wary.
You're tired of having to wonder what torture to expect next.
You just want the pain to stop even though you have a penchant for Derek Shepherd-shaped-self-harm.
You both do.
You ask her if she'll stay with him if you leave.
You imagine in another universe hating her for wanting him and for Derek picking her over you.
You fantasize about that because surely this would be better than fighting over who gets to leave him unscathed.
Meredith wants it to be you, you can tell, and your guilt doesn't reach absolution when she says again that it's okay for you to escape it all.
"I don't want you to end up like me," you finally say to her.
It's your parting words if you have any to spare.
You don't have endless time before you have to go back to Derek to consult on that preemie before you go and you know she has to get back to Cristina.
But for now you let the words sink in and she lets the words sink in and she asks you how to stitch up her own sutures.
Your heart breaks for Meredith all over again and you tell her you don't ever want to have to tell her that.
Meredith asks you because she knows that you know how and she considers you an expert at the topic.
You tell her you don't want her to ever have to do that.
Meredith says that she won't always have Cristina to help her.
You sigh when you realize she's thought that part through and maybe even talked about it already with her best friend.
You didn't, but then again things were different, or were they?
You can't process that now.
You're just focused on Meredith Grey now.
The person you think you're really falling in love with now who calls you 'Doctor Montgomery,' and who you call 'Doctor Meredith'.
She's right here in front of you and she's not giving up.
Meredith Grey wants to know this from you before you're gone.
Meredith asks you again how you give yourself sutures.
But you know she's just asking you how she could give herself her own.
You hope she never needs to know the answer to the question she asked you.
***** END OF CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Author's Note:
Yes, there is still the mystery of what the hell happened to Meredith at the trailer.
Oh, and yeah this is the cliffhanger I'm giving you. Yep. That's right.
That's up for interpretation here.
Thanks for your patience with the wait, and with all the canon stuff with the extras thrown in, to get to the MerAdd part at the end.
Let me know what you think!
And your predictions!
THANKS!
bobbiejelly
Dedications, June 13, 2020, Chapter 18:
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.
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Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.
Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:
The Entertainment
RED is the new BLACK.
Cookies & Quickies Bubble All Too Easy
Prom?
... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery) Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The Dark
Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!
bobbiejelly