Chapter Nineteen: Autumn
I stared at the smooth, cold plastic of the table in front of me. My life had been reduced to what my senses told me, no thoughts left. The incessant ticking of a clock on the wall, marking the passing of my life. The steam rising gently from my coffee cup, caressing the air with its warm, ghostly touch. The greasy smell of bacon sizzling and spitting in a pan.
My phone buzzed, the small vibration in my pocket skipping down my leg. Glancing down, I saw that Faye had texted me to say she was here, and was wondering where we should meet. Answering with a quick reply, I snapped my mobile shut in one fluid movement.
A young woman came in, rushed, hurried movements jerking through her body ungracefully. Her long brown hair swished around her in a flurry of chestnut and with a sudden relieved smile, she relaxed. A hand came up to wave, her blue eyes filled with excitement. I saw a movement in the corner of my eye, and turned to see a man moving, getting up to embrace her and kiss her cheek. It wasn't Faye.
My heart plunged to somewhere in my abdomen. I thought that this bubbly girl had been the person I had come to meet. Of course, it wasn't. I closed my eyes against the rushing memories that had surged forward like the inevitable tide of the sea. I wondered sometimes if it would be better not to know, not realise what I had lost. It was like I was the only person left on earth, lonely and alone and waiting to die, reminiscing over the slowly dwindling lives of people I had once half-known.
I had no claim, really. No right to harbour grief like I was a quiet bay amongst the stormiest of seas. I could feel myself withering under the pressure of sorrow, sorrow that I shouldn't own. Jason would've flitted in and out of my life like a bird amongst trees, only catching pitiful glimpses before he darted out of sight. I wondered if I could ever have followed that bird. It didn't matter. Eventually I would, I supposed. It was only a matter of steadfast, reliable, time before I would see Jason again.
For a brief second, I thought about cutting that time short, taking that particular 'gift' back to the shop. I would only be speeding things up, racing through my experience at light speed. What would the blade feel like against my wrist? A blessed release or a sudden realisation that I was facing the great unknown of an abyss?
I snapped out of it, just like that. It wouldn't be some rose-tinted journey to a romanticised version of life, even better than what I had hoped. I would never do that. I refused.
A yearlong reverie lifted like the parting of clouds. I had time, I had a chance. Jason didn't. I had a job to do, to live life for him. His sister though, she couldn't. Always living in his shadow, always striving for light, and always trapped by the rubble of his secrets. What a mess he had made of it all. What a stupid, brilliant man.
The mighty Jason, I smiled. Reduced like all the rest of us to a pile of dust and hope. He wasn't anywhere near perfect, merely flawed. What did it matter? He was allowed to be. We were all allowed to be.
A girl walked in, her emerald eyes sparkling and dancing, graceful movements making her glide across the floor. Her short, blonde hair blew in the slight draft, a few light, feathery strands ruffled. She looked at me. I smiled. I knew that this was undoubtedly Faye. A small smile played on her lips as she ambled over to my table.
"Autumn?" she breathed. Her hand came up to her face, her fingertips fiddling with a short flick in her hair.
"Yep," I said. "The one and only."