Everybody's at war
with different things
I'm at war with
my own heart sometimes.
--
Horrible.
Arrantly, Horrible.
Was how Chimdi felt as she watched her classmates scramble out of the almost empty classroom.
She watched as the class gradually became empty, and she sat down, getting ready to sort out her tangled web of a brain.
Two days.
Two days of feeling every shade of horrible and restless. She didn't mean them.
All the harsh words she threw at TJ, all the venom laced words. But she couldn't fathom why she suddenly got pissed.
The feelings were all beyond her.
The rage too. It just came, like a bright trail in a tunnel so dark. It served as an escape route, and she took it.
Anything to rid her of the myriads of emotion.
Anything to get her away from him.
Nonetheless, she found herself longing for his presence. The terrible two days had made her wish to take back her words. For he heeded to her words and avoided her.
She felt like, even the smallest amount of happiness had been sucked out of her, for restlessness made her mind its new abode.
Quietly but quickly, she packed her learning materials into her backpack. Her blazer suddenly suffocating her, she pulled it off and stuffed it inside her backpack.
Letting out a sigh, she dumped herself on the hard surface of a nearby desk, wincing lightly at the slightly painful contact the desk made with her butt.
'What to do now...' She mused, pondering on her next action. Her heart said a thing, and her mind did another.
She thought of TJ, he didn't seem that happy after lectures were over. And again, guilt gnawed at her heart.
Could it be that I'm...
'Bitch please', her subconscious mind threw back. 'You ain't that Important'.
Chimdi deliberated on ditching lunch, she'd lost appetite after hearing TJ's heart breaking speech. Though she'd read every page of the voluminous novel, he'd given a new meaning to the book.
Just who is this boy?
She so wanted to find out herself.
Whether it was sheer benevolence, curiosity or just utter guilt, she found herself making up her mind to go search for TJ.
Hoisting off the desk, she flung her backpack on her shoulder, a quick glance at her black shoes confirmed that they were still dust free.
The harmattan was on it's one week vacation. For the past few days, the dust-bearing land wind had taken a break. But they knew otherwise to enjoy while it lasted.
She made her way to the front, avoiding clustered chairs which were put in that position, courtesy of her rough, hungry classmates.
"Hey, are you coming or what?" She stopped, heart in stomach, as she stared at her tired looking best friend.
"You scared me!" She almost screamed.
"I am well aware."
She glared at him. "Aren't you meant to be inside the dining right now?"
"Would have been. That was after discovering that you weren't at the dining." He propped on one of the steel desks.
"I'm not hungry."
He gave her a crazy look. "You are ditching Jellof rice Dee, that's new." He reached forward to feel her temperature. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah." She rolled her eyes, slapping his hand away. "I'm just not in the mood."
He opened his mouth to utter something, but thought otherwise.
"The table is empty shaa. You, Elo and TJ are absent. I don't know what your problems are," he stood up, straightening his uniform. "fix it, I'm getting bored." He finished, leaving Chimdi inside the empty classroom.
"I'm eating your meat!" He called out seconds later.
Chimdi let out another sigh for the umpteenth time, such a large number for just a day.
She strode out of the classroom, her legs leading her. If Jiki hadn't mentioned that TJ was absent, she wouldn't have given even an atom of thought to where he might be.
She made her way to the only place she was sure to find him, except his hostel.
The mango tree.
Our place. Her subconscious snorted.
Heart beating in erratic thuds, thoughts racing a thousand miles per second, she let her feet lead the way.
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"Hey." TJ turned to look up to the voice addressing him with sheer delicacy. He didn't need a soothsayer to let him know the bearer of the voice.
The same voice that willed him to stay away from her, the same voice he'd wished to hear for the past two days.
He took his eyes of his cell phone. Putting on a straight face, he gave her a nod.
"Hey." Just a word, a spell breaking three letter word. He wanted to talk to her for hours, inquire why she suddenly decided to do away with him.
Man what is wrong with you?
He rubbed his face, ridding his face of it's gloomy state, before facing her. He took in her skinny frame, which reminded him of a transparent ruler.
She looked so fragile, with eyes, the dullest shade of brown. They looked like they'd been drained of light. Yet, he knew she was far from fragile and weak. He just knew, that behind the lifeless eyes lied a fire, that can't be husked out.
He watched her clear her throat, before taking a seat beside him.
Why is she here?
"You told me to stay away, yet here you are-"
"I'm sorry." She blurted out, face in palm.
She couldn't bring herself to look him in the face.
"For what?"
"I shouted at you."
He raised a brow. "You did a lot more than shouting Chimdi."
She was silent. He wasn't making it easy for her.
Slowly, she looked up, facing him. His ever expressive face gave nothing away.
What have I done.
"I said things TJ..."
"Not just things,"
"Fine! I said mean things to you, and I'm sorry okay!!" She let it all out. "I just wasn't myself, you were being so nice and caring even though I was a total bitch to you and then the-"
She searched for words to fit in, but there was none to do justice to what she felt.
"I don't know, I wasn't myself. All I could think of was getting angry," She lowered her voice, searching his face, the walls were breaking. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey come here." He didn't wait for her to oblige before enveloping her in a hug.
She smelt of citric and honey, the scent caressed his nostrils, soothing him. She felt like home.
Man, you are a total goner.
"I'm sorry too. I made you uncomfortable." He murmured, basking in her warmth before he felt her shaking.
Pulling back, he saw her letting loose her tear ducts.
Alarmed, he blinked in confusion. "Did I do anything to upset you?"
She smiled, sniffing in between sobs. "No you didn't."
"Then why are you crying?"
"I don't know... They just came rolling down." She gave him another smile before wiping off the salty liquids.
TJ though not satisfied with her response let it slide. He wasn't going to push this time around.
It was TJ's turn to clear his throat.
The awkward silence loomed over them again. Chimdi's mind spinning it's wheel, she couldn't restrain herself from walking into her mind's guilt trap, she couldn't help but ask.
"Back in class," She began, carefully choosing her words while eying him carefully. "Uhm... you were angry. Do you mind if I asked what happened?"
Seriously Gentry, you really want to play shrink now?
He shifted uncomfortably, and she immediately regretted her words. Perhaps, it was personal.
"It hurts." He said after what seemed like gazillion hours.
Chimdi who was shocked that he was actually speaking up, straightened up.
She turned to face him, looking him in the eye. She didn't know what possessed her, but she loved the new found braveness, she took his hands in hers and he stilled for a second before relaxing.
She let out a breath, straightened her spine.
"What hurts exactly?"
"Everything. Milo didn't deserve such fate. Nah, not at all."
Chimdi hung to every word he uttered, silently drowning in confusion.
"This world can be a total fuck up," Indeliberately, he laced his fingers with hers, simply because it felt right. "It's a never ending routine, whenever something good happens, it's all overshadowed by bad. God, we were so happy. Me, Milo and his Mum. Meg was next thing to a Mother to me." He stopped, again causing Chimdi's head to swim in confusion.
She was so lost, the names alone made her a total lost being.
She desperately wanted to find out who said Milo and Meg were. What happened to them, she was so lost.
"What happened to them?" She whispered, urging him to spill more and acting like a total shrink.
"Him. I lost Milo."
They both sucked in a breath.
Chimdi gave his hands a friendly squeeze when she felt him go rigid for a second.
"See, he was no different from Bigger." TJ resumed.
Please don't tell me he's a murderer. She pleaded silently.
"We were 16, actually Milo just turned 16, we went test driving. Meg just gifted him a red Chevy Corvette." He stared at her, unsure. He felt like he was dumping so much on her.
"Never mind, You're prolly getting bored, I must be wasting your time." But his heart thought otherwise. Pleading silently for her to listen, to let him be free of the burdening secret.
She played with their laced fingers, forcing him to direct his attention on them. "I'd never get bored of listening to you," She cleared her throat, sitting upright. "I meant, I'm not bored and you are not wasting my time. I asked for it, remember?"
And so he let it all out, everything. He told her how Milo Ortega, his only real friend left earth's surface, how the crazy white police officer had been hitting on Meg that night and how Milo had stood up for his Mum when the officer started harassing her.
Everything had happened in a flash, him a nervous wreck at the backseat, praying for divine intervention. While the police officer and Milo were on each other's throat. He could still remember the object of his one week nightmare, the officer's riffle being aimed at Milo and Milo's wide, scared eyes. Somewhere between testing of manpower and Meg's shrill cries, a gunshot had gone off.
Relieved but scared to death that Milo wasn't the one lying cold and lifeless on the deserted tarred road, they'd made for the blazing red vehicle before a retreating figure caught Milo's attention. Drowning in fear, heart a thudding mess and hands moving on their own volition, a second gunshot had gone off again, the retreating figure too, dropped dead on earth's cold surface.
He told her how restless Milo had been the following week, a lot was left unsaid, bottled up even. Milo was slowly losing his sanity. He'd stuck to drowning on Molly, before drowning in his own pool of blood at their school's basket ball court.
Chimdi stared, wide eyed, trying to process all that has been dumped on her. She'd known pain her whole life, but not one as excruciable as Milo's.
She tried to make a mental picture of Milo, peace deprived and haunted. She shuddered at the mere thought of one going through pain, thrice as hers.
"Did- did he take his own life?" She stuttered, bringing the brooding boy out of reverie.
TJ nodded, not once sparing her a glance. "Yeah, just few days before thanksgiving."
His mind traveled back to the horrible scene. "The Mutherfucker left a note but couldn't talk to me. We could have been stronger together, instead he took the fool's way out. "He let out a humourless laugh, using his free hand to wipe his face. "I can't imagine how much he had going on in his mind. I must have been a horrible friend."
Chimdi tugged at his hand, clasping her free hand with his. "No you weren't-"
"I was. You don't get it. A good friend would have forced words out of him, a good friend wou-"
"You were a good friend and more. You stood by him even after witnessing that nerve wrecking scene. If nothing, Milo wanted you to be free of any more burden-"
TJ scoffed. "By taking his own life?"
"Shhhh. By keeping to himself. Sometimes, we keep things from our loved ones, not because we don't trust them, but because we want to rid them of being burdened." She said more to herself. "And because we want to be strong for them. Look TJ, Milo cared a lot for you, he didn't want you sharing his burden, he wanted you to be happy. And, I think he still wants you to be happy. Why not be happy, if not for anything, but for him?"
Marveled at her own words of wisdom and totally embarrassed. She made to pull out her hands but had a rethink as he held her hands captive his.
She felt like a tiny fly under his scrutinizing gaze and suddenly became conscious.
TJ took in the gem of a girl, one who seemed tiny to the world but was a whole world to him.
What? Did you just call her your world. You're so pathetic. His subconscious mocked.
He let out a low chuckle at his own crazy but totally honest thought.
"Why are you laughing?" Chimdi's small voice asked, finally looking him in the eyes.
He shook his head, smiling at her as she graced his view with her beautiful yet innocent face. Lifeless eyes that housed so much life. She was such an enigma which he so longed to solve.
Damn, I like her!
Of course, you fool.
"You're doing it again." She whined, her eyes, still searching his.
"What?"
"You were laughing, now you're smiling again. Should I be scared?" She joked, wiggling her brows. Causing him to crack up.
"Do it again." He prodded her, not getting enough of her face and funny side.
"Nope."
"Aww, come on." He gave her a pout, earning an eye roll from her.
"My answer still stands." She made to release her hands again, the spell seemed to have broken and she felt like hiding under a rock. But he still held her hands, wanting her to stay.
"Hey come on, I need to get back to the hostel." She groaned, trying to release her hands.
"Why, you really want to get away from me so bad?" He wasn't ready to let her off his presence, not even for a second.
She rolled her eyes, tired of struggling with him. "No dear," Her tone dripped with sarcasm. "As much as I'd love to spend my whole life with you, I have other pressing matters to attend to."
"Oh." He begrudgingly let go of her hand.
You are in, too deep.
She stood up, avoiding his face and hoisted her backpack on her shoulder.
"Can I get a hug?" TJ couldn't recognize his own voice, he felt like disappearing from earth's surface.
Now she'll prolly think you're coo coo.
"Umm... sure." Her words were like balm to his chopped off ego.
And without thinking twice, he pulled her down to his level, and took her in his arms, breathing in her intoxicating and soothing scent. He could never get tired of hugging her, the feeling of being taken home. The feeling of pure solace.
Chimdi felt her body go stiff before relaxing, as she felt the heat of his body. Being at such close proximity with him was becoming a normalcy. She couldn't help but notice his scent, he smelt of a clean male scent and fresh air, not sweaty, just like a breath of fresh air.
She found herself inching closer, craving the heat of his body, everything felt right.
They were locked in each other's arm, transported to another place for what felt like an eternity, oblivious to time, before the shrill sound of TJ's cell phone jolted them back to the wake of reality.
They reluctantly broke apart, with Chimdi flushing in embarrassment .
She watched him take the call, rooted at a spot, before he ended the call.
What now? Should we go back to tangling limbs?
She cleared her throat, mentally shaking some sense into herself.
"I have to go." He gave her small smile, obviously not ready to leave her.
She nodded, getting on her feet too, again the awkward silence loomed.
"I'll chat you up, hope you don't mind?"
"Yeah." She saw him lower his face, staring intently at her. She swallowed.
Get your shit together Gentry!
He pressed his lips on her temple, offered her a toothy smile, before skipping off happily.
Her mind was a mess as she made her way to her hostel, a smile gracing her face.
What was that for? She thought, referring the his previous gesture.
The gesture alone got her heart beating in an off tune rhythm and doing strange things to her.
"Dee?" She heard someone call her, which made her stop on her tracks, she knew the voice anywhere.
"Hey! So you still remember my name after acting like we all tried to push you down a cliff?" She charged at him, hitting his chest while he let her, laughing at her weak attempt.
"I'm sorry. Those days weren't my best." Elo said, grabbing her skinny hands while she glared at him.
She scoffed. "So today is now better. After you ditched us during recess?"
"I had things to do."
She didn't reply, instead she switched to full mama bear mode, accessing his frame.
"Are you okay?" Concern was laced in her voice. The boy's eyes were drained of light.
"Yeah yeah, Dee stop worrying. I'm okay," He gave her his signature cute smile. "Hope my birthday present is ready. I don't want to hear tales."
She hit him again. "You shouldn't be inquiring about your birthday present El."
"Jesus fine, I have to go now." He checked his cell phone. "Jiki and TJ are waiting for me."
He pulled her into a hug, his signature black Orchid scent filled her nostrils, she had missed him so much. "Be good for daddy... no fighting..." He teased and she pushed him off, hitting his head.
"Daddy kill you there." She watched him pat his locks, still laughing before blowing her a kiss which she playfully kicked off.
"See you later birthday boy!" She called out, sending him a wave.
And again, with a new swag to her stride, she continued to journey back to her hostel.
She sent a cheerful wave to one of her male classmate before bumping into the least of people in her friendlist.
"Wow Gentry, you disappoint me, I was expecting you to share a hug with Kelvin too, since that's your specialty now." Abike snarled, referring to the boy Chimdi just waved at.
"Excuse you?"
"You heard right. Isn't it high time you learnt that everything mustn't always go your way?" The fatter girl continued.
"Look Abike, I'm tired right now. Trust me, I'm not ready to entertain your tantrums, try another person." She made to continue her walk, but the fatter girl couldn't have it.
"I'm not done," Abike said, blocking her way. "If I were you, I would heed to my advice and stay clear."
Chimdi stared at the girl like she had a few missing brain screws.
Abike, after passing her message made to walk out, but felt a tap on her shoulder.
"Since you're done, I'll do the walking out." Chimdi flashed her a smile before walking out. Leaving the girl as pissed as a newt.
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