Junhoe's POV
I looked at the guy who was eating in front of me, smiling as he was talking with the blonde sitting next to him.
Jinhwan hyung is going to turn 20 next week, I know him since he was 16 and he just...
It's like with every year that passes he only becomes more beautiful.
He really is beautiful. And I hate myself for thinking that.
When I first met him, he didn't hesitate to take the big brother role although he barely knew me.
I didn't understand why he did that, but I soon found myself admiring him for how strong he acted.
I wanted to become strong so I could protect him.
I've been training with Youngbae and Donghyuk, he started teaching us how to use a gun too to defend ourselves better.
I've managed to become stronger.
But every time I looked at Jinhwan in the past few years, I couldn't help but think of him as anything else but my brother.
And I really hated myself for that.
He doesn't deserve this disrespect. The way I find myself thinking about him or dreaming about him...
I'm really shameless.
I shouldn't be thinking those things. It isn't right. He's my older brother. Why can't I understand that?
"June?" Jinhwan asked in wonder as I got up. "Where are you going?"
It took a lot from me to ignore his question and walk away. That's all I've been doing lately.
He must be feeling hurt.
"June." I heard his voice and felt his hand on my shoulder to make me stop walking.
"Something wrong? You're not feeling well?" He asked me in worry.
"I'm fine." I made him let go of me. "Don't mind me."
"June!" Jinhwan insisted. "Just talk with me."
"I said I'm fine, hyung!"
Jinhwan looked at me a bit surprised. I never raised my voice at him like that before.
"June... why do you hate me? You know hyung loves you so much..."
"Don't say that!" I argued.
Love me? Why would he care about me in the first place?
He shouldn't be worrying about me. I don't deserve his worry right now. I don't think I ever deserved it.
"Why shouldn't I? You're my younger brother. I was there to help you recover, I took care of your wounds, took care of you when you were sick and calmed you down when you had nightmares."
Younger brother...
Right. I'm his younger brother. That's all I'd ever be to him.
And that's exactly why I need to distance myself from him.
Because I can't stand it.
I can't stand him being so nice to me while I don't think about him the same way he thinks about me. I shouldn't be thinking about it at all.
Ignoring him is my best option.
"June..." Jinhwan said softly, holding my hands. "You used to tell me everything that bothered you... tell me what's wrong and hyung will take care of it."
I took my hand back, shaking my head. "It's not something you can fix. Just leave me."
Spending hours training is the best distraction I have now. It won't help me feel any better. I'll still have those disgusting thoughts about him.
I just don't want him to know.
"I won't leave you! You're making me worried about you! You're so off lately and the fact you're ignoring me like I'm nothing to you... Am I such a horrible brother? When you arrived I tried so hard to be the best brother figure to you... Tell me what I'm doing wrong June."
"You're doing nothing wrong. Please mind your own business, hyung. You don't need to look after me like a little kid." I said and walked away.
He really can be stubborn.
I looked down at him as I reached upstairs, seeing Yunhyeong walking to him. Jinhwan covered his face with his hands as Yunhyeong was hugging him.
I'd be lying if I said I don't feel bad about this. It hurts me to see him so down because of me.
But it feels like I don't have any other choice.
I sighed deeply and walked to my room, dropping myself on my bed. I reached a hand to the whiskey bottle I hid underneath the bed and opened it.
I don't know if Seungri and Youngbae ever notice I take bottles from them, but if they do, they never say anything
I took one long sip from it, staring at nothing. I feel so shitty with myself. I definitely don't deserve Jinhwan.
Not as my brother and not as anything else.
I took another sip and another, trying to make my mind go blank. I don't want to think about him.
I don't deserve to think about him.
-
"June...?" I heard the familiar sweet voice from underneath my blanket.
I think I drank a bit too much... my head was dizzy and I felt hot.
Having more than half the bottle was a mistake.
"June?" I heard the voice again, feeling a hand gently rubbing my arm over the blanket. "Are you okay? Are you asleep?"
I suddenly didn't feel his touch.
"What's that...?" I heard him asking softly, hearing the bed creaks.
"Whiskey...? June!"
"Shut up..." I complained, feeling my head pounding by the sudden loud noise. "If not you... I wouldn't be drinking in the first place..."
Jinhwan pulled the blanket away, looking at me upset. "I can't believe you're drinking. You're only 17! And clearly this came from dad's cabinet. They'll be furious, June!"
I groaned at that. "Shut up! You don't have any right to yell at me! Stop trying to play my 'older brother' role! I can take care of myself!"
"I'm not playing, I am your older brother!"
"I don't want you to be!"
Jinhwan looked at me with a hurt expression before giving me an annoyed look.
"Stop talking. You're clearly not in a clear state of mind. I won't tell dad that you took his stuff. I don't know why you did it, but don't do it again."
"You simply don't want to hear the damn truth. I don't want you to be my fucking brother! Everything could so much easier if you weren't...!"
"Koo Junhoe, you listen to-!"
I grabbed his arm, pulling him to lie down as I stood on top of him, looking at him.
"You're so beautiful hyung..." I said quietly as I gently stroked his cheek.
His skin was so soft...
"June... Stop. This isn't funny..." Jinhwan tried to make me let go of him.
So I held his arms tightly against the bed.
Funny...?
I wish this was some kind of joke. But this guy has no idea what he's doing to me...
It's not fair.
"You asked if I hate hyung... I don't hate you. I love you, hyung. I don't want to be your little brother anymore."
Jinhwan looked at me surprised. "What...? June, wait. You're drunk... Let go."
I leaned my head closer to his. "I'm drunk because I tried to forget about you. You're all I think about, hyung."
"June..." Jinhwan tried to get free from my hold, but I didn't let him.
He's unfair. He's been being unfair to me for over the last two years.
Always being so kind to me. Always caring about me. Always looking so beautiful...
But why would he care what I think? Why would he care if I'm uncomfortable?
For him... I'm nothing but his brother.
I shouldn't be thinking about it, but at the same time I can't help it.
"You never kissed someone, right hyung? I want to be Jay hyung's first kiss..."
"No, June, wai-"
He's talking too much.
I hate it. I hate hearing his voice because I like it too much. I hate seeing him because I find him too good looking.
I hate his kindness because he's doing it as my older brother.
Nothing more.
So without thinking, I leaned closer and kissed him softly, holding his hands a bit tighter.
He tastes so sweet... better than my dreams.
"Please hyung..." I mumbled against his lips. "I want you to be mine so much... I don't want you to see me as your little brother... please let me love you..." I said desperately.
"Stop," Jinhwan said softly. "Please... I don't want to have this conversation like this, June. You're starting to hurt me, so please let go..."
I felt how I'm starting to sob, letting go of him as I sat down on my bed. Why must it feel so painful?
To love someone who can't be yours.
Jinhwan sat down as well, rubbing his wrist before reaching a hand to wipe away my tears.
I moved away from him. "Just leave."
"I can't leave you when you're like this. You can't do something like this and then push me. How is that fair?"
"You have no right telling me what's fair or not! Do you think loving you is fair? Knowing you don't see me this way, is it fair?! To see all those guys over you knowing I can't do something is fair?!"
"June, please stop!"
"Why should I?! You're so cruel, hyung. You only care about your feelings... Leave."
"I don't only care about my feelings!"
"Well, you clearly don't care about mine! You said it so many times, that you're my brother. And each time hurts like a knife. Haven't you done enough? Didn't you hurt me enough?"
"June-"
"I told you to leave." I said coldly, looking away from him. "So just go."
"I'm not leaving-!"
I grabbed his arm tightly, making him look directly at me. "You only keep hurting me more this way."
Before he got the chance to say something, I got up, pulling him with me towards the door.
I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to talk with him.
I don't want to see him.
I pushed him out of the door and locked it, groaning in frustration. I need another drink. Or a really long nap.
Whatever makes me forget him faster.