Part 4 - A FALTERING HEART
-xoOox-
I feel like I'm slowly losing u. :(
Why wud u say that? U know how much I care about u, right? I love u.
I love u, too. I love u so much. :(
-xoOox-
It was too early in the morning and P'Mild was already being too touchy with P'Mew. I don't like it. I know it didn't make any sense. I know I had no right to feel like this, but I feel what I feel, and when you combine it with morning grumpiness, well, let's just say that my sleep-deprived resting bitch-face just became more pronounced.
P'Mew was in the middle of a human-puppy pile with P'Mild, P'Run, P'Kok, Mawin and Kaownah. They were all joking around noisily and teasing each other on the floor in the middle of the room. P'Mew was lying on P'Mild's lap while reading his copy of the script while P'Mild was lazily playing with P'Mew's hair. They looked too damn cozy for my liking.
As agreed, I sought P'Mew out as soon as I arrived, and when I spotted him, I immediately marched up to their human-puppy pile. I nudged P'Mew with my foot to get his attention, and he looked surprised for a second before sitting up.
"Sawadee khrub," I mumbled, made wai to everyone, and in response, they all suddenly quieted down and gave wai in return in a strange cacophony of sawadee khrubs.
With a smile on his face, P'Mew reached for my hand. "Why such a huge scowl on your face, Nong?"
In response, I just grunted and mumbled something unintelligible before sinking down next to P'Mew. And as expected, he pulled me close and locked me in his embrace as soon as I sat down. Ah, this feels nice.
"Oooiiii." I heard everybody jeer and tease, but I was in no frame of mind to respond to them so I ignored them, and simply closed my eyes.
"P'Mew, it's too early for you two to do this naaa." I heard Kaownah laughingly complain.
"Phiiiii, make them shut up," I whined, deliberately making a small and smug mischievous smile on my lips while curling even smaller into P'Mew's hug.
"You all heard him, so please just shut up," P'Mew raised his voice a decibel higher and jokingly addressed everyone.
"OOOOIIIII!!!" They jeered and teased even louder.
"Phi, practice your fan-service elsewhere! You make us feel single too much!" It was P'Kok who spoke with a beaming grin on his face.
"Fan-service? There aren't even any fans here." P'Mew replied, amusement obvious in his voice. "We just do what we feel like doing, right, Nong?" He squeezed me even tighter as he spoke.
"Shai," I smiled and nodded.
"Alai wa? That isn't fan-service at all." P'Mild chuckled as he responded. "It's SELF-SERVICE!" Then he raised a hand to P'Run for a high-five.
Self-service. I like this word better than fan-service.
P'Mew is naturally affectionate and clingy, especially to people he's close with like P'Mild. That's one of the things I noticed about him once the workshops began in earnest. That, and he felt like sunshine, the kind that's warm and welcoming but not too bright and assaulting to the senses. So I'm not surprised why our other co-stars were drawn to him like moths to a flame.
The one good thing about our previous conversation about skinship and consent is that we've somehow figured out our dynamics. We spent almost every minute during workshops closely entwined with each other. Even when we're not rehearsing a scene, we're still within each other's personal space. It got to the point that not having P'Mew closely touching me made me feel empty. This was why I felt hollow and thoroughly beat at the end of every workshop.
It was such a quick downhill fall, I realized. I went from flinching to P'Mew's unrehearsed touches to feeling like I'm missing a limb when we don't have any physical contact. All in a span of a few weeks.
Am I turning into a straight uncooked spaghetti? No, no, of course not, that can't be it. I'm just probably feeling residues of Type's feelings for Tharn, right?
-xoOox-
"I can smile at whatever I want," P'Mew recited his lines with ease. His eyes, wait, no, Tharn's eyes crinkled with mischief and on his face was a playful expression.
I was lying on the blanket placed on the floor, and P'Mew was draped all over me as we practiced our lines, and rehearsed how we were going to portray specific scenes. It still amazes me to see P'Mew up-close and in action like this. His eyes have a language all on their own, and it was like I was given a front-row seat to witness them speak in varying tones and degrees.
"Nong, your line next." I didn't even realize I spaced out until P'Mew nudged me in the stomach and gave it a soft squeeze.
"Oh, um," I coughed up a little to hide the awkwardness before turning to my script. "You're such a jerk," my delivery was bland and I knew it, so I forced myself to pay closer attention to the task at hand.
"Nong Gulf, I need a little more anger on that line," P'Tee briefly interrupted but motioned us to continue. I only nodded.
"Want some?" P'Mew lifted his hands to portray holding a plastic bag of food. The action momentarily drew my eyes to his distinctly veiny hands, but I forced myself to focus.
"Don't lure me with food. You can't fool me. If you put something weird in it, I might get sick. I won't fall for your trick." I delivered what I hoped was a look of pure annoyance, but to be fair, it's pretty hard to be annoyed with P'Mew when he's always being too affectionate and caring.
"If I'm going to lure you, I won't do it with food."
The scene entailed Tharn to pick up a water bottle and drink from it, while Type looked at Tharn with pure fascination and veiled lust. For our rehearsal, P'Mew also picked-up a water bottle and slowly drank from it as I watched. His neck and throat were exposed as he leaned his head back, and his throat bobbed slowly as he drank. I involuntarily gulped as I watched him perform the whole thing with quiet allure. P'Mew sure did know what to do to perfectly execute Tharn's seductive vibe.
I had to receive a soft nudge on my tummy again before I remembered that I was supposed to say the next line. "You're all talk!" I blurted out, quick to return the expression of annoyance on my face.
"Talking," P'Mew paused to look at me with a teasing smile. "...isn't the only thing I'm good at." And then he smirked.
P'Mew. Smirked. My brain suddenly short-circuited.
"And cut!" P'Tee bellowed. "I think we're good with this scene. That was really good acting, Nong Mew. And Nong Gulf, you really nailed the thirsty expression." P'Tee gave a smile and a thumbs up. "One minor thing though, once we take this scene, Nong Gulf, I want your eyes to slowly move up from Mew's face down to his neck and back up again. Very slowly, okay?"
I only nodded. I couldn't even preen and enjoy P'Tee's praises for nailing Type's thirsty-for-Tharn expression because I knew I did very little acting on that one. That wasn't Type thirsting for Tharn at all. That was me admiring P'Mew.
"The next scene is the NC bathroom scene where Tharn gave Type a blowjob," P'Tee announced.
Oooohhhh, boy.
-xoOox-
The trouble with hearts is that although they may have what can be considered as constant love, unfortunately, they also falter. And where hearts falter, pain usually follows next.
Poom and I have been arguing lately. I don't understand what's been bothering her. No matter how much assurance I give, it just didn't seem to be enough. I'm not a good talker, okay? When I open my mouth, I either spout something completely random, or spew verbal diarrhea and make a fool of myself. So more often than not, I choose to stay quiet.
"I'm losing you, I just know it," Poom's round eyes were directed at me, and it was obvious that she was doing her best to fight the urge to cry.
I just got off from class and decided to visit her in her condo since it has been more than a week since we last saw each other. She had been complaining that we haven't been seeing each other enough, so I thought it might do us some good if I came to see her. I even brought her favorite food to cheer her up, but when I asked her to eat it together with me, she surprised me by asking to talk. So here we were, sitting stiffly facing each other, a small table between us.
"Poom, I don't know where this is coming from." Exasperation was coming off of me in waves. "Have I ever done anything to give you that impression?"
Maybe it was the combined exhaustion from juggling the workshops, studying for my bachelor's degree, scheduling other gigs on the side, and taking supplementary acting classes, but at that moment, I just wanted some peace.
A tear fell from her eyes and she hastily wiped it away. "We promised each other that we'd be honest!" She insisted, her beautiful features marred by more tears.
I took a deep breath to calm my emotions, and did my best to steady my voice as I speak. "Whatever it is that's upsetting you, I assure you, Poom, it's nothing. You can even check my phone, all my social media accounts. You have nothing to worry about." I was hoping she'd listen to reason and I even offered my phone for her to freely check. I know for sure she'd find nothing.
"That's the thing. I can tell I'm losing you, but you don't even know it yourself. You're faltering, Kana," She cried. "You've changed so much in such a short time, and you don't even notice."
"Then tell me. Please tell me," I took her hand in mine and pleaded. "Things have been really busy for me lately, Poom. I know you understand what I mean because you're getting busy with school and work, too." I was counting on the fact that she was also a model and an aspiring actress to understand what I was going through.
For a moment, her eyes softened, but her tears continued to fall. "You've gone complacent on me," She said, her tone soft but accusatory. "We used to talk everyday. When you get excited over something, I used to be the first one to know. You used to text, or call me at random times just to let me know what you've been doing, and it didn't matter if it was too late."
"Poom, I--" I wasn't able to finish what I was trying to say because she interrupted me.
"I'm not stupid, Kana." She used my childhood nickname. "You disappear on me for days on end now, and all you ever send me are very clipped messages, nothing more. Don't give me the excuse that you've been busy lately. You and I both know that's bullshit. People give priority to what's important to them, and I've been bumped out of your priorities, Kana."
"I--" I frowned and closed my mouth. "I'm so sorry."
I can't think of anything else to say. Alright, I admit I may have neglected her these past few weeks, but apart from that, I haven't done anything wrong. It's also true that things have been a bit too hectic lately, and what little free time I had was spent on sleeping, so I haven't had time to be there for her. Still though, undeniable guilt gnawed at me as if I committed a mortal sin even though I didn't.
"It's him isn't it? You're faltering because of him, aren't you?" Poom asked, her face breaking in sorrow.
"Who?" My ears perked. I instantly knew she was referring to P'Mew.
"Don't be stupid, Kana. I've seen videos of the two of you, and I've seen how you two act around each other." Poom smiled bitterly through the tears.
"Poom, there's nothing going on between me and P'Mew, you have to believe me," I leaned forward and held her hand tighter in mine. As the words came out of my mouth, I couldn't help but briefly wonder if I was trying to convince her, or myself. Maybe both.
"That's one of the things I've always loved about you, you know. Most of the time you're straightforward and simple-minded." Poom paused and sniffled. "But you're also kind of dense. Sometimes, being dense makes you adorable, but right now, it's infuriating."
"I don't know what I can say to you to convince you that there's nothing going on between me and P'Mew. It's just work, Poom, so please stop this. I love you, you know that." Desperation laced my voice.
"I wish I could believe you, Kana," Poom said wistfully. "But I know you too well, and sometimes, I even know you better than you know yourself."
With her trembling free hand, Poom slowly undid my fingers one by one from holding her other hand as she spoke, and broke all physical contact between the two of us. The action was slow and deliberate, and I felt my heart painstakingly breaking.
"Believe me, Kana, I tried. I really tried not to let it affect me. I tried to convince myself that what you have with him is all for work, but I'm at my wit's end. I wouldn't do this if I wasn't. You know that I love you so much, which is why I want you to think things through."
Before we parted that day, I hugged Poom tightly, letting all the weariness and desperation pour through our close contact, but she didn't return my hug. She just seemed sad and defeated. Poom has been my anchor for the last three years or so, and I didn't want to lose her. I wouldn't be the person that I am now without her, but I also know that Poom is stubborn and determined. Once she had an idea in her head, it would be really hard to convince her otherwise.
Faltering. That's the word that Poom used. Was I really faltering because of P'Mew? Honestly, I don't know. My feelings are all too confusing and conflicting. I don't know if I was feeling them because I am actually feeling them, or because I'm feeling Type's residual emotions.
Little did I know that in the next few months, I will learn that the trouble with hearts is that although they may have what can be considered as constant love, unfortunately, they also falter. And where hearts falter, pain usually follows next.
To be continued...