ZEN
Alas-otso na ng gabi. I'm already done changing in my pajamas. Nakaupo ako sa kama ko habang nagbabasa ng isang libro pero natigilan ako sa ingay na nagmumula sa labas ng bintana ko.
"Lola..." Someone is whispering outside my window. Wala sa sariling napatakip sa mukha ko ang librong hawak ko. Rozend is calling outside my window and he's trying so hard to call in a controlled quiet voice to avoid catching anyone's attention except mine.
"Lola?" Someone tapped outside my window. "Zen? Paris? Paris Zen?" pangungulit niya. I hate to admit it but he has a beautiful deep voice. "Stargazing? Nakalimutan mo ba?" He lightly taps on my window.
Bakit kasi hindi na lang siya nagtext? Isinara ko ang librong hawak ko at ibinaba sa kama. Wala sa sariling tumayo ako at binuksan ang bintana ko. Muntik na akong mapatalon sa gulat dahil tumambad agad ang gwapong mukha niya sa harap ko. Lumapad ang ngiti niya nang makita ako. Napansin ko ang hindi masyadong malalim na biloy sa kanyang kanang pisngi. No one would notice it unless you pay attention on his face. He's insufferable. Nakatungtong siya sa bubong ng bahay namin. Tumawid siya mula silid niya, dumaan sa punong mangga hanggang sa bintana ng silid ko.
He's doing what Elaine did when she was still alive. It's kind of nostalgic.
Iwinagayway ni Rozend ang kamay niya sa harap ng mukha ko dahil bahagya akong natulala sa kanya. Naiinis na hinampas ko ang kamay niya. He grimaced in pain but I know he's just acting. Hindi naman malakas ang paghampas ko sa kamay niya.
"You said we'll trace the constellations," he said with a pout.
"Bakit? Na-satisfy ba ako sa prose na ginawa mo tungkol sa universe?" nakaangat ang kilay na tanong ko. I'm actually satisfied. I just want to tease him a little.
He looks at me with puppy eyes and a cute pout, as if he's pleading to just let it go. Siniringan ko siya. Why is he acting so cute? Nakakainis.
"Oo na! Lalabas na ako!" Agad nagbago ang ekspresiyon ng mukha niya. He's grinning with excitement. Tinulungan niya akong umakyat palabas sa bintana. Hinawakan ko ang sanga ng punong mangga habang tumatawid papunta sa sangang maaari naming upuan. Nang makaupo ako sa sanga ng puno, tumabi siya sa 'kin.
I let out a small smile when I look up in the starry night sky. It's been a while since I went out of my room for stargazing. The sky is clear and since there's no light pollution in our town, I can clearly see the bright stars.
When I turned to Rozend, I noticed that his caramel eyes are as bright as the stars too. May naalala akong itanong kaya ako na ang unang nagbukas ng usapan.
"Bakit pala kayo lumipat sa lugar na 'to? Binili na ba ninyo ang bahay nina Elaine?" tanong ko.
His bright eyes suddenly become distant. I'm not sure why but my question maybe triggered a sad memory in him. Pero panandalian lang 'yon dahil muli siyang ngumiti at nang-aasar na tumingin sa 'kin.
"Uy... Interesado si Lola," pang-aasar niya.
I rolled my eyes at him. Medyo nag-aalala ako na baka nalungkot siya sa tanong ko pero hindi naman pala.
"Huwag na nga. I-trace mo na yang constellation na 'yan para makatulog na ako," inis na saad ko at bumaling na ang tingin sa kalangitan.
I just feel guilty that I don't know anything about him while he knows the reason why I became like this today.
"We're renting the house," he suddenly said in a serious tone. "Kakilala ni Papa ang mga magulang ni Elaine. And we're looking for a peaceful place to live in... where no one knows us. Away from the smoke and pollution because it's not good for me."
Kumunot ang noo ko nang sulyapan ko siya. "Why? Maselan ka ba? Allergic? Or are you sick?"
"Do I look sick?" nakangising tanong niya sa 'kin.
Pinagmasdan ko siyang mabuti. His skin is a bit tan. He's not pale at all. He has bright eyes and thick eyelashes that should have been donated to me and his smiles are always wide and contagious. His lips are quite red and plump. His jaws look strong and well-defined. He doesn't look like a sick person. And he's so energetic to be sick.
"You are sick. Sick for arts," I joked.
He grinned at me. "And I also know that there will be an Art workshop here so I ask my parents to move here. I want to do what my heart desires," kibit-balikat na dagdag pa niya.
"Are you staying here for good?" kunot-noong tanong ko.
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Who knows? Life is not always the way we plan it to be. Shit happens."
Napangiti ako sa sinabi niya. "But what are your plans?"
"Hmmm. Let's see. If it is my call, I want to stay here, take a painting course and just paint and paint and paint. I will live without regrets," nakangiting sagot niya. "Maybe we should go back to that hill and paint the sunset. Or go to an adventure and visit places to feed our love for art."
His love for art is infectious but I won't show it. "Ah, gross. You only talk about art," I said while rolling my eyes. But it bugs me that there's a possibility that he won't stay in this town for good. There's something in my head that whispers I shouldn't get too comfortable with him or I will be left alone again.
Ngumisi lang siya sa 'kin. "Alright. Back to the stars," he pointed out to one of the stars. That single and only star which is so close to the crescent moon. "Sabi nila kapag may nakikita kang ganyan, may nakikipagtanan daw. A lover eloping somewhere to hide and live away from the people they know."
Mahina akong tumawa at tiningnan ko siya na parang nababaliw na siya. "Hindi 'yon totoo 'no! Seriously, Rozend? You believed those things?"
Ngumisi siya. "But it's a rare sight. And if it is real, I want to wish them the best. I hope they're happy now. And this is the first time you laugh so these things are worth believing for."
Namula ang mukha ko. Naiinis na nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya.
"So, what's your favorite constellation? Let me find it. They say there are 88 constellations visible in the sky. But it depends on the season so say something that is visible this summer," he urged without saying any comments about my flushed face.
"My constellation. It's Libra," sagot ko.
"Are you born in October?" tanong niya.
Tumango ako. "Uhm. October 16."
"Alright. Let me find the scales," he said. He scanned the starry sky. He lifted his left hand, his fingers pointing and tracing the stars. And since this is my constellation I can easily find it. I'm so familiar with it that I can recognize it in just one glance.
I stare at the blackness of the sky decorated by blinking stars. And I wonder what's happening out there in space. Did an asteroid pass by and dim its light? Or did a star suddenly die and turn into a black hole? Or did a meteor collide on that star and now it's fighting for its life, fighting for survival?
And I suddenly think that maybe the stars never had it easy too. They're struggling to live too, fighting the unknowns and unpredictability of the universe on its own. Fighting alone in the deep chasm of space. With no one to help and save them.
Maybe the stars are lonely creatures too despite their beauty and light.
I suddenly remember the mysterious blankness in Rozend's eyes earlier. What if he's like the stars? Glowing but sad. He brings joy to others but not happy inside.
"Alright! There it is!" he said with excitement. Natigilan ako sa iniisip ko. I didn't notice that I'm sinking too deep in my thoughts but gladly his voice pulled me back to reality. I pay attention to his fingers. He traced a triangle with two lines downward that represent Libra's scales.
He found my favorite constellation.
"Huwag mong sabihin na alam mo lahat ang itsura ng mga constellation?" nakaangat ang kilay na tanong ko sa kanya.
Ngumisi siya. "Kind of. I have nothing to do back then so I collected books about outer space."
"Wow. You have a lot of free time," pang-aasar ko.
Matipid siyang ngumiti. "Yeah. You can say that. Anyway, find my favorite constellation too."
I rolled my eyes. "Aba! At pahihirapan mo pa ako?"
Muling nagningning ang mga mata niya. At naalala ko ang mga bituin sa mga mata niya. Mahina siyang tumawa dahil sa sinabi ko.
"Rozend, what if the stars are ethereal eyes in disguise and they're watching over us?" I suddenly blurted out. Namula ang mukha ko dahil sa sinabi ko. I'm saying something weird without even thinking.
"Zen, don't say something creepy. You're ruining the beautiful sky's reputation!" giit niya pero malakas siyang tumawa dahil sa kabaliwan ko. He even hugged his body as if he's acting scared. "I can't imagine a billion eyes looking at me at once. Unless I'm a secret celebrity? I'm that handsome?"
"Bwisit!" Inirapan ko siya dahil hindi niya sineryoso ang tanong ko. "Bwisit ka talaga."
Muli siyang tumawa. "If they're ethereal eyes, then maybe those stars are the bright eyes of the dead. And they're watching over us, guiding us to wherever we are going. Maybe they're cheering for us in this life as well."
"Then maybe Elaine's eyes are one of those stars," I said with a hopeful gaze up the sky.'
"Yeah. Maybe she's now forming your favorite constellation for you to smile," he agreed. "And if I die, I'll form your favorite constellation too up in that dark sky."
Masamang tingin ang ipinukol ko sa kanya. "Don't say that."
Mapang-asar na tumingin siya sa 'kin. "Why? You can no longer live without me?"
Siniringan ko siya ng mga mata. "Conceited."
He smiled at me. "Zen, even the stars have time limits." I hate it when he's telling me that everything in this world is just temporary.
"Ano na ang favorite constellation mo?" inis na tanong ko sa kanya para maiba ang usapan.
"Hmmm... Let's see. I like to say something you can't easily find," he grinned.
"Aba balak mo talaga akong pahirapan?" Nakataas ang kilay na tanong ko.
"I just want you to look longer at the sky," he said with a soft smile.
"Then the constellation should be Cancer, right? It consists of faint stars and that's why it's harder to find," saad ko.
"Yeah. But I don't like Cancer. For me, it's the saddest one," he said. He looked up at the sky and I can't figure out what he's thinking.
Tumingala ako sa langit. "And I can't see that this summer."
"Right. Then let's look for Hercules," he said. "Kung sino'ng unang makakita, pwede siyang humiling ng kahit ano. How about that?"
"Bakit may kasamang dare?" Salubong ang kilay ko habang nakatingin sa kanya.
"Para masaya at may thrill. Don't worry. No monkey business," he said with a teasing grin.
"What's your constellation first?" Tanong ko pero tumingala na ako sa langit at pasimple ko ng hinahanap ang constellation ni Hercules para maunahan ko siya.
"Aquarius," he answered with a soft chuckle.
"Birthday?" I continue to scan the sky and trace the stars in my mind.
"February 18. You're cheating."
"I'm not. This is not cheating. This is stargazing." I didn't even turn my head to him. Nakataas na ang kamay ko at nakaturo na sa mga bituin upang masiguradong tama ang hinahanap ko.
Narinig ko na naman ang mahinang pagtawa niya at hindi na nagkomento. He quickly scanned the night sky and raced against me to find Hercules.
***
Author's Note:
Thanks to these gorgeous cover photos!
_evasivex
Marianne:
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